Chapter 4 Chapter Four

Bit by bit, our marriage trapped me in it.At first, not going to work seemed like heaven.I have all the time to keep my apartment immaculate, vacuum the rugs to keep the polyester fluff in neat streaks, keep every square inch of the kitchen sparkling clean, spend hours poring over recipes to hone my culinary skills, Arrange Nick's socks by color in a row of drawers. Then I put on my makeup and changed before Nick got home from get off work.Ever since he said one night that he wished I wasn't the kind of woman who would let her mess around as soon as she caught her husband, I started dressing myself up.

If Nick had always been a jerk, I wouldn't be so obedient.What kept me with him were those intermittent moments when the two of us cuddled in front of the TV watching the evening news, or impromptu slow dancing to our favorite songs after dinner.He can be warm and funny, or affectionate.And, no one else needed me so much in my life.I was his audience, his reflection, his comfort; he would never be complete without me.He discovered my most terrible weakness: I was the kind of person who desperately wanted to be needed and valued. A large part of our relationship went well, and what didn't go well was a constant sense of imbalance.I never knew how the men in my life, like my father and my brothers, would react.However, Nick's reaction to the same behavior was almost always different.How can I say that what I do will attract praise or cause dissatisfaction.This made me very anxious, always watching the wind and grass to judge how to behave.

Everything I mentioned about my family and my childhood, Nick remembered, but he colored the story in a completely different color.He told me that no one had ever really loved me but him.He told me what I really thought and who I was with such authority that I began to question my own perceptions.Especially when he repeats the standard warnings I've heard since I was a kid..."You gotta get over this." , and now add Nick. His tantrums flared up without warning, maybe I mistook the sandwich he wanted for lunch, maybe I forgot to help with errands.Because I don't have a car, I have to walk or ride a bicycle to the grocery store more than 400 meters away, and I don't always have time to finish all the things I need to do.After Nick hit me the first time, he didn't hit me again.Instead, he destroys the things I value, ripping off my delicate gold necklace and smashing my crystal vase.It scares me more than anything else, Nick's voice is so loud, something inside me is too broken to be put back together.

I can't help lying, afraid that some little thing I say or do will upset Nick and make him lose his temper.I started sucking up to him, convincing Nick that he was smarter than everyone else put together, that his boss, the bank guy, anyone in his family or mine had lost all of his brains to him.I'd say he's right even though he's clearly not.Even so, he was still not satisfied. Our sex life went from bad to worse, or so I thought, and I'm pretty sure Nick never noticed.But he gradually stopped doing those caresses that he knew I liked, and the sex became a quick layup.Even if I knew how to interpret my needs, it wouldn't make a difference.He's not interested in exploring other possibilities for sex other than mindless thrusting.

I try to be as accommodating as I can and try to get the sex over as quickly as possible.Nick likes the backside position, and doesn't give me any stimulation, just selfishly sprinting directly and repeatedly.He praised me as a woman who doesn't value foreplay.In fact, I think it's okay to have no foreplay, it just prolongs bedtime, messy, uncomfortable and unromantic movements, don't mind. It seems that I am not very sexual.Nick's physique is in good shape, and he spends most of his lunch break in the gym exercising, but I don't see it.As I was leaving the house, I saw other women staring at my husband and giving me envious looks.

I got a call from Lipper one night, and I knew right away from her voice that something was wrong. "Haifen, I have bad news for you. It's Kaiqian..." She continued, and I felt the weight of shock and despair weigh down on me. I tried to understand, but she seemed to be speaking in a foreign language.Kaiqian had a headache for about two days, fell unconscious in the room, and Dad heard a bang at the other end of the corridor.She was out of breath when paramedics arrived.There is an aneurysm in the brain, the people in the hospital said. "I'm sorry," Lipper said, choked up.I heard her blowing her nose. "She's such a nice person. I know how much you love each other."

I sat down on the sofa, raised my head, and let the hot tears slide down my cheeks. "When is the funeral?" I asked out of my voice. "Two days. Are you coming? Do you want to stay with me and Gage?" "Okay. Thank you. I...How is Dad?" No matter how stiff the relationship between father and daughter is, I still feel pity for my father.Losing Kaiqian would be hard for him, it must be the hardest thing he has ever faced. "As you can imagine, that's it." Lipper blew her nose again.She lowered her voice and quietly added: "I haven't seen him cry before."

"Me neither." I heard the sound before the key was turned.Nick is home.I breathed a sigh of relief, longing for him to hug me and comfort me. "How is Jialing?" I asked, knowing that Lipo's little sister is also very close to Kaiqian. "Thank you for asking so sweetly about her...she's really upset, but she'll be fine. It's going to be hard for her to understand how everything can change so quickly." "It's not easy to be an adult." I pressed my tear-wet eyes with my sleeve. "I don't know whether to drive or fly down. I'll talk to Nick and think it over before calling you."

"Okay, Hafen. Goodbye." Nick went into the apartment and put down his briefcase. "What's the matter?" He came in and saw me, frowning and asked. "My Aunt Kaiqian passed away," I said, wanting to cry again. Nick came to sit with me on the sofa and put his arm around me.I snuggle on his shoulder. After a few minutes of reassurance, Nick got up and walked to the kitchen.He took a bottle of beer from the fridge. "What a pity, baby. I know you're upset, but it's a good thing you can't go to the funeral." I blinked in surprise. "I can go. If I can't afford the plane ticket, I can—"

"We only have one car." He changed his tone. "Am I going to sit in my apartment all weekend when you go to Houston?" "Why don't you come with me?" "Just knew you forgot. We've got a date this weekend, Marie." He looked at me sternly, and I stared at him blankly. "The company's annual lobster dinner party is held at the boss's house. I have only been in the company for a year, so I have to go." I keep my eyes open. "I...I...you want me to go to the lobster dinner instead of my aunt's funeral?" "There's no choice. God, Mary, are you telling me to give up any chance of a promotion? I'm going to the lobster dinner, and damn it, I'm not going alone. I need my wife there, I need you to give Make a good impression on everyone."

"No," it's better to say that I can't figure it out than to say that I am angry.I can't believe my feelings for Kaiqian are so unimportant to him. "I need to be with my family. People will understand if you say-" "I'm your family!" Nick dropped the beer, and the full jug hit the edge of the sink, foaming. "Who the hell is paying your bills, Marie? Who's giving you a roof? Me. None of your fucking family's helping out. I'm the breadwinner. How can I say you? Do." "I'm not your slave," I yelled back. "I have the right to go to Kaiqian's funeral, and I'm going to—" "Try it." He snorted, and angrily walked up to me in three big strides. "Try it, Mary. You have no money and no way, how do you get there?" He grabbed my arms and pushed me hard, and I staggered back to the wall. "God knows how idiots like you get out of college," he said. "They don't care if you go, Mary. Use your stupid head to think about it." I emailed Lipper and told her I couldn't make it to the funeral.I didn't explain why, and she didn't write back.Now that the rest of the family didn't call, I knew how they felt about my absence.But whatever they think, it's not as bad as I think about myself. I went with Nick to the lobster dinner.I kept smiling throughout the party and everyone called me Mary.I wore a long-sleeved top to hide the bruises on my arms.On the day of Aunt Kaiqian's funeral, I did not shed a single tear. But when I got the little package from the postman on Monday, I cried.As soon as I opened it, I found Kaiqian's bracelet, and every little lucky charm jingled briskly. "Dear Heifen," Lipper wrote in the note, "I know this is meant to be yours." We had only been married for a year and a half, and Nick was very determined to get me pregnant.I had some suspicions that he might kill me if he knew I was still secretly taking the pill, so I stashed the pills in a leather bag, tucked away in the back corner of the dressing room. Nick sent me to the doctor, who was sure the problem must be with me—it couldn't possibly be him.I cried for an hour in the doctor's office, telling him I was anxious and miserable for no reason, and when I got home I was prescribed an antidepressant. "You can't take that shit," Nick said, crumpling up the prescription and throwing it in the trash. "That could be harmful to the baby." The baby is still missing.I'm guilty of thinking about the pill I secretly swallow every morning, a secret act that's been my final vest in my body's autonomy.It wasn't easy to take my meds on weekends because Nick was watching me like a hawk.I had to rush into the locker room while he was in the shower, pour out a pill and swallow it dry.If he gets caught... I don't know what he'll do. "What did the doctor say about the pregnancy?" Nick asked, eyeing me carefully. "He said it might take a year." I didn't tell the doctor a word about the pregnancy, just asked for another birth control pill prescription. "Did he say which days are the best? The days when you are most likely to conceive?" "Before ovulation." "Let's look at the calendar. How many days until your next ovulation?" "Ten days, I guess." Before we got to the calendar, I always put a cross on the first day of my period, and Nick didn't seem to mind my reluctance.I had to endure assault, pregnancy, and forced labor just because he had decided. "I don't want to get pregnant," I heard myself say darkly. "You'll be happy when you're pregnant." "I still don't want to. I'm not ready." Nick slammed the calendar on the cabinet with such force it sounded like a gunshot. "You'll never be ready. Unless I give you a push, you'll never be. For God's sake, Mary, can you grow up a bit and be a woman?" I start to tremble.Blood rushes to my face, adrenaline rushes into my overworked heart. "I'm a woman. I don't have to prove it by having kids." "You're a spoiled bitch. A parasite. That's why your family doesn't give a shit about you." My own temper exploded. "And you're a selfish bastard!" He slapped me so hard that my face was thrown to the side, and I cried out in pain, with a high-pitched whine ringing in my ears.I swallowed and covered my cheek. "You said you would never do it again," I said hoarsely. Nick was breathing heavily, his eyes widening wildly. "It's your fault for driving me crazy. Damn it, I'm going to fix you." He grabbed me by one arm and my hair with the other, and dragged me into the living room.He shouted obscene words and pushed me face down on an ottoman. "No," I cried, muffled by the upholstery. "No." But he ripped off my jeans and bottoms and shoved them into my dry cunt, and it hurt, the pain of being pushed hard turned into a ferocious fire, and I knew he had torn something inside me.He sprinted faster and harder, only to relax a little as I stopped crying and fell silent, my hot, salty tears rolling onto the seat cushion.I was trying to get past the pain, telling myself it would be over soon, just bear it, bear it, he'd be done in a minute. With one final bruising lunge, Nick shudders on top of me, and I shudder at the thought of the fluid swimming inside me.I don't want his kids at all.I also don't want sex at all. I gasped in relief as he pulled away, heat running down my thighs.I heard Nick zip up and fasten his pants. "Your period is here," he said gruffly. We both know that menstruation is too early now, and that's not the cause of the bleeding.Without saying a word, I just got up from the ottoman and pulled my clothes back into place. Nick spoke again, sounding more normal. "I'll make dinner while you clean up. What's for dinner?" "Reheat the noodles." "How long is it hot?" "Twelve minutes." I am in pain from my waist to my knees.I've never been this rough with Nick before.This is rape, said a little voice in my head, but I immediately told myself that if I could relax a little bit and be less dry, it wouldn't hurt so much.But I don't want it, the voice insisted. I stood up, wincing from the throbbing pain in my wound, and staggered to the bathroom. "Just a heads up, don't overact it," I heard Nick say. Silently, I continued to the bathroom, closed the door, turned on the switch, turned on the hot water to the highest temperature I could bear, took off my clothes and stepped under the shower head.I stood in the jet of water for what seemed like an eternity until my body was prickly, clean, and aching.I was in a fog of confusion, wondering how my life had come to this point.If I don't get pregnant, Nick won't let it go, and then he'll try to have another baby, try to please him and never win, there's absolutely no end to the game. It's not just about sitting down and talking about your feelings with the other person. That method will only work if the other person values ​​your feelings.Even when Nick seemed willing to listen, he was just gathering points to use against me later.He doesn't care about other people's pain, whether emotional or physical.But I used to think he loved me.Did he change so dramatically after marriage, or am I irrevocably wrong? I turned off the hot water, covered my sore body with a towel, walked to the mirror, and wiped a circle on the foggy mirror with my hand.My face was contorted, and the outer corner of one eye was swollen. The bathroom door rattled. "You've been in there for too long, come out to eat." "I'm not hungry." "Open the damn door and stop being angry." I unlocked and opened the door and stood facing him, this angry man looking like he was going to tear me apart.I was afraid of him, but more painful than that was my total failure.I try so hard to follow his rules, but he keeps changing them. "I won't apologize this time," he said. "You asked for it. You knew better than to talk to me like that." "If we had kids," I told him, "you'd beat them too." Another wave of anger stained his face red. "Shut up." "You will," I insisted. "Anytime they do something you don't like, you beat them up. That's one of the reasons I don't want to have your kids." Nick didn't respond, and it scared me.The room was so quiet that even the dripping of the shower head made me cringe.He looked at me without blinking, his hazel eyes straight and shining like nails.tick.tick.tick.Goosebumps appeared on my naked body, and the towel wrapped around me was soaked and cold. "Where is it?" he asked abruptly, pushing me away into the bathroom.He started rummaging through the bathroom drawers, slapping everything from powder compacts to hair clips to brushes onto the damp tile floor. "Where's what?" I asked, my heart beating into overdrive, my ribs throbbing with frenzy.I didn't expect to be so calm when fear was eating away at my gut like battery acid. "I have no idea what you're talking about." He threw an empty drinking glass on the floor, smashed it, and went on emptying drawers like a madman. "You know exactly what I'm asking." If he finds the pill, he'll kill me.The desperation of resignation emerges from the bottom of the fear, strange and disgusting, and my pulse is still.I'm dizzy and feel so cold. "I'm going to get dressed," I said calmly, ignoring him smashing things up, tearing them out, throwing them away, and destroying them. The lotion and powder splashed all over the floor, forming puddles of pastels. I went to the chest of drawers and pulled out jeans, underwear and a T-shirt, although it was time to change into pajamas.I guess my subconscious had anticipated not being able to sleep that night.I got dressed and Nick rushed into the bedroom and pushed me aside.He pulled out each drawer, straightened it up and down, and my clothes fell in piles. "Nick, stop it." "Tell me where!" "If you're going to find an excuse to hit me again," I said, "do it." I didn't sound like I was fighting back, or even scared.I'm so tired, the kind of exhaustion that drains all of my thoughts and emotions. But Nick was determined to find evidence of my betrayal, to teach me to the point where I would never dare again.He finished rummaging through the drawers, went into the dressing room, and started throwing off my shoes and tearing open my purse.I didn't try to run or hide, I just stood there, numb with premonitions awaiting execution. He came out of the locker room with the pill in his hand, looking ugly as hell.I vaguely understand that he, like me, can no longer control his behavior.There was a monster inside him waiting to eat, and he wouldn't stop until the beast was full. He grabbed me and threw me against the wall, a white noise filling my head as the back of my head hit the solid wall.Nick hit harder this time than before, and this time with the fingers close together, I think my jaw is broken.I only understood a few words, what kind of pill, since I want to take it so much, just take all the damn medicine, he tore the medicine out of the package and stuffed it into my mouth, I want to spit it out , he tried to close my jaw.His fist hit me in the stomach and I bent over in pain before he dragged me through the first-floor apartment to the front door. I fell to the ground, landing hard on the edge of the front steps.He stepped on my ribs, and the pain ran through my whole body. "You stay here till dawn," he growled. "Think about what you've done." The door slammed shut. I lay out on the sidewalk, sheltered from the darkness, and the sun-baked asphalt was smoking like a griddle.Texas in October is as hot as bed heat.The cicadas poured down, and the air was filled with the sound of their eardrums vibrating.It was a long time before I sat up, spit out a mouthful of salty liquid, and assessed the injury.Pain in the head, ribs, between the legs and the back of the head.My mouth was bleeding and there was a burning pain in my jaw. I was more afraid than Nick opening the door and dragging me back. I try to ignore the throbbing pain in my head and think about my options.Purse, money, driver's license, mobile phone, car keys, nothing.No shoes either.I looked down at my bare feet and couldn't help laughing, though it hurt my swollen mouth.Shit, things are not good.It occurred to me that I might really have to wait out all night, like a cat Nick threw out.When daylight came, he would let me in, and I would crawl back inside in humility and defeat. I wanted to curl up and cry, but I found myself staggering to my feet, struggling to keep my balance. You go to hell, I thought, glancing at the closed door.I can still walk. If I could turn to anyone at that moment, it would be Todd, my best friend.I need his understanding and comfort.But in this situation, there is only one person who can really help me.Gage.Everyone from McAllen to El Paso either owed him a favor or wanted to give him a favor.He solves problems quickly and efficiently without showing off.Moreover, the person I can trust the most in the world is him. Barefoot, I walked to the grocery store 400 meters away.As the night darkened, a full orange moon rose in the sky.The moon swayed before my eyes like stage decorations on hooks for a high school play.Hunter's Moon.The lights of the passing cars criss-crossed and I felt stupid and scared.Soon though, the physical and mental pain built up to the point where I no longer felt stupid. I had to concentrate to step out step by step.I'm afraid I'm going to pass out.I keep my head down, don't stop anyone on the side of the road, don't ask, don't ask strangers, don't want the police.They might send me back to my husband.Nick was so powerful in my eyes, I thought he might have a way to justify everything and take me back to the apartment and probably kill me. My jaw hurt the most.I tried to align the upper and lower rows of teeth to see if there was any split or crooked, but even the slightest movement made the mouth sore.By the time I got to the grocery store, I was already seriously considering whether to trade my wedding ring for Tylenol painkillers.But I can't walk into a brightly lit store at the hour when people are coming and going.I knew it was going to attract attention this way, and that was the last thing I wanted to see. I found a payphone outside, pressed every button with all my might, and made a collect call.I remember Gage's cell phone number by heart.Please, answer the phone, I thought, wondering what I would do if he wouldn't answer.I beg you to answer.please…… Then, I heard his voice, the operator asked if he would take the call. "Gage?" I held the receiver with both hands, as if grasping for a chance. "Yes, it's me. What's the matter?" It was such a difficult thing to explain back, that for a moment I was speechless. "I need you to pick me up," I murmured reluctantly. His voice became very calm and soft, as if speaking to a young child. "What's the matter, dear? Are you all right?" "not good." There was a brief moment of electrified silence, and then he asked eagerly, "Where are you, Hafen?" At that moment I was speechless.Hearing his name, hearing that familiar call, a sense of relief melted the numbness in his heart.I swallowed hard, feeling hot tears pour down, stinging the scarred skin of my face. "Grocery store," I finally managed to say, choked up. "In Dallas?" "right." "Halfen, are you alone?" I heard him ask. "Uh-huh." "Can you take a taxi to the airport?" "No." I said, sniffling. "I do not have money." "Where are you?" Gage asked again patiently. I told him the name of the grocery store and the street it was on. "Okay. I want you to wait near the front exit...is there a place to sit? "There's a bench." "Good girl. Haven, go sit on that bench and stay still. I'll get someone over there as soon as possible. Don't run around, understand? Sit there and wait." "Gage," I whispered, "don't call Nick, okay?" I heard his quavering gasp, but his voice was steady when he spoke. "Don't worry, sweetheart. He won't come near you again." As I waited on the bench, I knew that curious eyes kept coming.My face was bruised, one eye was so swollen it could barely open, and my jaw was sore.A kid asked his mother what happened to me and she hissed him to stop staring at me.I'm grateful that no one leans in, people instinctively avoid obvious trouble like mine. I didn't realize how much time had passed, it could have been only a few minutes or an hour.But finally a man came up to the bench, a young black man in khakis and a traditional shirt.He squatted down in front of me, and I met a pair of worried brown eyes in a trance.He smiled, as if to reassure me. "Miss Cui?" His voice was soft and warm, like reed chestnut syrup. "I'm Mooli, your brother's friend. He called and said you need someone to pick you up." He looked at me and added slowly, "But I'm wondering if you need to go to the emergency room first. " I shook my head in horror. "No. Don't. I don't want to go. Don't take me there—" "Okay," he reassured. "Okay, no problem. I'll take you to the airport. Let me help you to my car." I won't move. "Promise I won't go to the emergency room." "I promise you. I promise never to go." I still don't move. "No way to fly," I murmured.It became really difficult to speak. "No ID." "That's a private jet, Miss Cui." His eyes were very kind, with pity. "You don't need an ID or a plane ticket. Come on, let's—" He stopped abruptly when he saw my skinned and bleeding feet. "Jesus," he whispered. "Not going to the hospital," I murmured. Oli didn't ask, and sat down beside me.I watched him take off his shoes and socks, put on his bare feet, and carefully handed me his socks. "My shoes will fall off when you wear them," he said, "but let me carry you into the car, please?" I shake my head.I'm pretty sure can't stand being hugged by anyone, for whatever reason, no matter how briefly. "It's okay," Ole said quietly. "Then take your time." He got up and patiently waited for me to stand up from the bench with difficulty, his hands half hanging in the air, as if he had to stop himself from reaching out to help me. "The car is over there, a white Cadillac." We walked slowly to the pearly car, and Ole opened the door for me to climb in. "Would lowering the back of the chair make you more comfortable?" he asked. I closed my eyes, too tired to answer.Oli leaned over and pressed the button, allowing the back of the chair to recline slowly. He walked to the other side of the car, sat in and started the car.The Cadillac slicked and we pulled out of the parking lot and onto the main road.I heard the sound of turning on the phone and dialing. "Gage," Ole said after a moment. "Yes, I found her. On the way to Dallas Fort Worth Airport. But, I have to tell you something...he beat her badly. She was in a trance." After a long pause, Xie Lijing Jing replied: "I know, man." More words were spoken on the other end of the phone. "Yeah, I think she'll make it through this part of the journey, but when she gets off the plane... umm. I thought so too, sure. I'll let you know when she takes off. You're welcome." There’s no more comfortable car than a Cadillac “It’s like having a mattress on the wheels, but every slight jolt causes a new wave of pain to run through my body. I try to hold back the pain, but it’s a burning pain in my jaw. Frequent panting. Between the loud throbbing in my ears, I heard Oli talking. "Feel nauseous, Miss Cui?" I moaned softly in denial.I don't throw up - that hurts too much. He carefully placed a plastic trash can on my lap. "in case." I closed my eyes silently, and Oli cautiously drove through the traffic.The dull red light of passing vehicles penetrated my eyes.My inability to think clearly worries me slightly... I can't seem to figure out what to do next.Trying to catch coherent thoughts is like looking for a needle in a haystack.I feel like everything is out of control. "You know what?" I heard Ole say, "my sister was beaten all over her body by her husband. It happened all the time, for no reason, for no reason. I didn't know at the time, or I would have killed her That jerk. She ended up leaving him and living with my mom with the two kids until she got her life back. There was a therapist and all that. My sister told me what helped her the most was when someone told her , that's not her fault. She needs to hear that from time to time. So, I want to be the first person to say that to you...that's not your fault." I didn't move or speak, but tears were seeping from under my closed eyelids. "It's not your fault," Ollie repeated firmly, and drove the rest of the way quietly. I took a nap and woke up a few minutes later, the car had stopped and Ole was opening the door.The rumble of a jet taking off pierces the padded stillness of the Cadillac, the smell of fuel and machinery and the humid Texas air wafting around.I blinked and sat up slowly, realizing that I was already on the asphalt runway at the airport. "Let me help you get out of the car," Ou Li gestured to help me.I shook my head away from his outstretched hand.I put an arm around the ribs where Nick kicked me, and struggled out of the car alone.As soon as my feet hit the ground, I started to feel dizzy, and a gray fog clouded my eyes.I swayed, and Oli grabbed my free hand to steady me. "Miss Cui," he continued to hold my arm tightly even though I tried to shake him off. "Miss Choi, please listen to me. I just want to assist you on the plane. You have to let me help. If you fall on the boarding ladder, you must go to the hospital. And I have to go with you, Otherwise your brother will break my leg." I nodded to accept his support, even though instinct screamed for me to shake him off.The last thing I want is another man's touch, whether he's obviously trustworthy or friendly.On the other hand, I'd love to get on a plane.I want to get out of Dallas, out of Nick. "Okay, let's go," Ole murmured, helping me shuffle to the plane.It was a Learjet 31A light jet, capable of carrying up to six passengers, with a 120 cm high interwing sail and delta wings at the tail, it looked like a bird ready to go. "It's not far," Ole said, "and then you can sit down again, and Gage will pick you up at the airport over there." Ole talked to himself as we climbed the airstairs at a painfully slow pace Talking on and on, as if to draw my attention away from my throbbing jaw and ribs. "It's a nice plane. It belongs to a software company based in Dallas. I know the pilot well. He's good and will get you there safely." "Who is the boss of this company?" I murmured, wondering if it might be someone I've met before. "Me." Ou Li smiled, carefully helped me to sit on the front seat, and helped me to fasten the seat belt.He went to the small bar and wrapped some ice cubes in a cloth and handed them to me. "Put it on your face. Rest now. I'll speak to the driver and you'll be on your way." "Thanks," I whisper, grabbing a makeshift ice pack and applying it to my jaw.I sank deep into the chair and sat down, gently moving the ice pack to the swollen side of my face. The flight was uncomfortable, but fortunately it didn't take long to land at Herbie Airport, southeast of Houston.I was slow to realize that the plane had stopped on the runway, and my fingers fumbled for the buckle of the seat belt.After the escalator connected to the plane, the co-pilot came out of the cockpit and opened the entrance door.In a few seconds, my brother got on the plane. Patch's eyes were an unusual light gray, not like fog or ice, but like lightning.His dark eyebrows stood out against his pale, worried face.The moment he saw me, he froze for a millisecond, swallowed hard and stepped forward. "Haifen," his voice was hoarse.He lowered his body and squatted down, put his hands on the armrests on both sides of the seat, and looked at me from head to toe.I managed to buckle up and lunge forward into his familiar breath.He circled me carefully, not hugging me tightly like usual, I knew he was trying to avoid hurting me.I could feel him trembling from the apparent stillness. With a surge of relief, I rest the side of my cheek that doesn't hurt on his shoulder. "Gage," I whisper. "I love you the most." He cleared his throat before he could speak. "I love you too, little girl." "Don't take me to River Oaks." He understood immediately. "No, dear. You went back to my house. I didn't tell Dad about your return." He helped me off the plane and into his car, a sleek silver Maybach. "Don't sleep yet," he said sternly as soon as I closed my eyes and leaned back on the headrest. "I am so tired." "The back of your head is swollen and you may have a concussion, which means you can't sleep." "I slept on the plane," I said. "Look, it's all right. Just let me—" "Nothing!" Gage's savage tone made me cringe. "You—" He stopped suddenly, and my reaction made him soften his tone. "Damn, I'm sorry. Don't be afraid. I won't yell at you. It's just... hard... to stay calm and see him treat you like this." He took a long, trembling breath. "Don't fall asleep until you get to the hospital. You'll be there in a few minutes." "Don't go to the hospital," I tried to shake off my drowsy drowsiness. "They're going to want to know what's going on." The hospital will notify the police, and they might charge Nick with assault, and I wasn't prepared for that much. "I'll handle it," Gage said. He will also deal with it.His financial power is sufficient to influence every customary procedure.Bribery to buy off, exchange benefits.When the right moment comes, everyone will look away precisely.In Houston, the Choi family name can make a house open or close the door, if that suits the Choi family more. "I want to find a place to rest." I tried to sound firm, but my voice was muffled and sad, and my head was throbbing so badly that I couldn't continue arguing. "Your jaw may be split," Gage said quietly. “天晓得他还对你造成多少伤害。”他重重叹气。 “可不可以告诉我，到底出了什么事？” I shake my head.有时候，千言万语也难以回答一个简单的问题。我不太确定事情究竟是怎么发生的，或原因出在哪里，造成如此伤害的究竟是尼克、是我，还是我们两个都有份？我纳闷要是他出来一看、发现空无一人，会不会知道我离开了。或者，他在床上睡得正甜？ 扒奇在开往休斯敦医学中心剩余的路程上很沉默，那是世上最大的医学园区，包括许多不同的医院和学术研究机构。其中至少有几处建物的新侧房或设备是我的家人捐赠的。 “这是第一次吗？”在急诊室停车场停下时，盖奇问道。 "no." 他咕哝了几句粗话。“假使我有想到那混蛋会出手打你，就绝不会让你跟他走。” “当时你拦不住我的，”我沙哑地说。“我决心要跟着他。太傻。” “别那么说。”盖奇看着我，眼里充满痛苦的怒火。“你不傻。你把感情赌在某个人身上，而他却摇身变成……狗屎，没有字眼可以形容。一头怪兽。”他的语气很严厉。“一个活死人。等我逮到他——” “求求你。”我今晚已经受够愤怒的言语和暴力了。“我不晓得尼克是否明白他把我伤得有多重。” “一个小瘀伤就足以断定我会杀了他。”他把我当成小孩似的抬起来，抱着下车。 “我可以走路，”我抗议。 “我不会让你只穿袜子走过停车场。该死，海芬，别跟我吵这个。”他抱着我走进急诊室的候诊区，那里已有十几个病人在那里等待，他轻轻把我放在接待柜台旁边。 “我是崔盖奇，”哥哥递了张名片给玻璃隔板后的女人。“立刻派个人来看看我妹妹。” 我看到她眼睛倏忽睁大，然后朝柜台左侧的门点个头。“门口见，崔先生。直接进来。” “不，”我对哥哥耳语。“我不想插队，我跟其它人一起等。” “你没得选择。”门一开，我发现自己被半推半拉着进入浅米色的走廊。哥哥的粗鲁使我全身泛起一波怒气。我才不管他是出于好意。 “这不公平，”护士过来时，我激动地说。“我不要。我不比这里的其它人来得重要——” “在我眼中，你最重要。” 我为候诊室的人感到气愤，大家都在排队而我却直接通关。享有特权的千金小姐令我感到丢脸。“外头有几个小孩，”我推推盖奇绷紧的手臂。“他们跟我一样需要看医生。” “海芬，”盖奇低沈的声音毫不动摇，“你比候诊室里的每个人更凄惨。闭嘴乖乖躺好，听护士的指示。” 肾上腺素让我鼓起一点力气，我抽身想离开他，但撞上墙壁。痛楚来得太猛、太快，从各个伤处一齐窜出。我开始流口水、眼神飘移，感觉胆汁翻涌。“我要吐了，”我耳语。 快得像魔术似的，一个肾形的塑料碗在转眼间出现，我低头对着它呻吟。因为没吃晚餐，吐不出多少东西。我痛苦地呕吐，几阵干呕后结束。 “我想她有脑震荡，”我听见盖奇告诉护士。“她后脑肿起来，话说不清楚，现在又呕吐。” “我们会妥善照顾她的，崔先生。”护士领着我坐上轮椅。从那一刻起，我只得投降做检查。我拍了Ｘ光片，做核磁共振扫描，检查骨折和血肿，接着接受消毒、上绷带和吃药。每个步骤之间都等了好久，做完已过了大半夜。 结果我中排肋骨骨折，但下颚只是瘀伤，没裂开。我有轻微的脑震荡，不过还不必住院，我服用的维可汀止痛药足以让大象飘飘欲仙。 我也对盖奇感到很气恼，但太筋疲力竭了，出院后就没再多说什么。往盖奇位于缅因街一八○○号公寓的那十五分钟，我睡着了。那栋以玻璃和钢筋打造的住商混合建筑属崔家所有，上面几个楼层为价值数百万美元的公寓，底下则是商用空间。建物顶端有座切割玻璃搭成的金字塔，这显眼的特色使缅因街一八○○号赢得本市半象征性的地位。 我去过缅因街一八○○号楼下的餐厅，但从未真正去过盖奇的家。他极为注重隐私。 我们搭乘快速电梯到十八楼。我们还没走到走廊尽头，公寓的门就开了。莉珀穿了件毛茸茸的蜜桃色睡袍，头发扎成马尾，站在那里等。 我好希望她不在，嫂嫂如此漂亮、完美，永远做正确的选择，深受我们全家每个人的喜爱。我现在这副模样，最最不想给她看到。我感到很丢脸，自觉像个怪物似的，蹒跚顺着廊道向她走去。 莉珀迎接我们两个入内，然后把门关上，公寓内是超现代极简主义，没多少家具。我看见她踮起脚尖亲吻盖奇，然后转向我。 “希望你不介意——”我才开口就说不出话来，因为她一把抱住我。她是如此柔软，闻起来像身体香粉和牙膏，她的颈窝暖烘烘的、很温柔。我试着想抽身，但她不放手。自从母亲过世后，我已经好长一段时间没被任何成年女性抱这么久了。这正是我需要的。 “我好高兴你来了，”她低语。我感觉自己放松下来，明白莉珀不会批判我，一点谴责也无，只有和善。 她拉着我的手走到客房，帮我换上睡衣，为我盖好被子，好像我跟嘉玲一样年纪。这房间看起来很清爽，以浅蓝色和灰色装饰。“想睡多久就尽量睡，”莉珀低语后关上门。 我头昏眼花地躺着，瑟缩的肌肉卸下紧张，像穗饰般散开。公寓内某处响起婴儿的哭声，很快就平息了。我听到嘉玲在问她的紫色运动鞋放哪儿。她一定是准备要去学校了。一阵碗盘清脆的相碰声……早餐准备好了。听起来如此舒服，是家庭的声响。 我感激地飘入睡梦中，心中有部分但愿永远不要醒来。 在遭受有计划的虐待之后，人的判断力会耗损到几乎什么决定都无法做。小决定跟重大决定一样困难。连选择早餐要吃哪种谷片，似乎都充满危险。你害怕做错会招来责备和惩罚，怕得宁可让别人来担起这个责任。 离开尼克并未使我感到释怀。无论有没有跟他在一起，我都埋在自觉不中用的感觉中。他怪我害他虐妻，而他的认定像病毒传遍我全身。或许是我自找的。或许是我活该。 苞尼克同住的另一项副作用是，现实变得恍如水母般飘忽不定。我质疑自己，也质疑对每件事的反应。我不再知道何者才是真实了。我无法判断我对任何事的任何感觉是否妥当。 我睡了将近二十四小时，中间莉珀偶尔进来探看，最后我终于下床，去浴室用镜子检视脸庞。有一只眼睛瘀黑，但没那么肿了。下颚有一侧仍然鼓成奇怪的形状，看起来像出车祸。但肚子饿了，我想这可能是好迹象。而且确实觉得比较像个人，而非路上被撞死的动物了。 我拖着脚步、既无力又疼痛地走进主要客厅，看见盖奇坐在玻璃桌前。 通常打扮无懈可击的他，那一刻却穿着旧Ｔ恤和宽松的运动长裤，眼睛下面挂着黑眼圈。 “哇，”我走过去坐在他身旁，“你看起来很糟。” 我想装幽默，但他没有微笑，只是关切地注视我。 莉珀抱着一个婴儿进来。“小宝宝来喽，”她开心地说。我的侄子麦修才一岁，是个胖嘟嘟的可爱小孩，笑起来黏呼呼的，有大大的灰眸和浓密的黑发。 “你给宝宝梳庞克头？”莉珀在我旁边坐下时，我问道，她把麦修抱在腿上。 她咧嘴一笑，用鼻子磨蹭他的头。“没有，只是两侧有点掉发，但头顶没有。听人家说终究会长回来。” “我喜欢这发型，看得出家族里的印地安渊源。”我想抱他，但觉得就算有弹性束带里在腰间支撑，断裂的肋骨也承受不起，所以只安于逗弄他的小脚，他呵呵地笑着、叫着。 莉珀衡量地看着我。“你该再服药了。你认为吃得下一些吐司和鸡蛋垫垫胃吗？” “可以，麻烦你了。”我注视她将麦修安放在一张高椅子上，然后在桌面洒上一些圈圈麦片。婴儿伸起拳头将它把过来放进嘴里。 “咖啡？”莉珀问。“热茶？” 我通常偏爱咖啡，但它对胃可能太刺激了些。“喝茶不错。” 扒奇喝完他的咖啡，把杯子放下，伸过来握住我的手。 "All right?" he asked. 他一触碰，我全身就泛起一阵受威胁的恶心感觉，忍不住把手抽走。生平不曾对女人动过粗的哥哥望着我，嘴巴错愕地张开。 “对不起，”看到他的反应令我觉得很窘迫。 他扯开视线，似乎心中充满强烈的拉扯，我看见他脸色转红。“该说对不起的不是你，”他咕哝。 莉珀端来我的茶和医生开的药之后，盖奇清清喉咙，生硬地说：“海芬，你昨晚是怎么离开尼克的？怎会落到没钱包也没穿鞋的地步？” “呃，他……有点……把我扔出门外。我想他以为我会在门前等他开门让我回去。” 我看见莉珀为他倒咖啡时短暂地顿了一顿。她那么震惊，使我感到诧异。 扒奇伸手去拿玻璃水杯，差点打翻。他刻意喝下几大口水。“他打你，还把你扔出门外，”他重复。不像问句，更像是他企图相信这句陈述。我点头表示正确，伸手将一个麦片圈挪到麦修构得到的范围。 “不晓得尼克看到我不见了会怎么做，”我听见自己说道。“他恐怕会去报失踪。我猜应该打电话给他。虽然我宁愿不要告诉他我在哪里。” “我过几分钟会打电话去给律师团里的一位律师，”盖奇说。“我会找出下一步要怎么做。”他继续以慎重的语气谈论我们可能需要替我的伤势拍照存证，如何尽快办好离婚，如何使我出面次数降到最低，以回避跟尼克对质或谈话的机会—— “离婚？”我傻傻地问，莉珀在我面前摆好餐盘。“我不知道准备好没有。” “你觉得你这没准备好？你有没有看看镜子，海芬？你还要遭多少毒打才会准备好？” 我看着他，如此魁梧、果决、意志坚强，我心中的每个部分都产生抗拒。 “盖奇，我才刚到这里。不能饶了我，就让我解脱一下吗？拜托你？” “你唯一能解脱的方法，就是离婚，离开这个狗——”盖奇顿了顿，看向正专心听话的婴儿。 "Bitch." 我知道哥哥努力要保护我，他是为我着想。但他的保护欲感觉有如以大欺小，而且让我想起爸爸。“我知道，”我说。“我只是想把事情思考过，再跟律师谈。” “上帝助我，海芬，如果你当真考虑回去他身边——” “我不会。我只是厌倦什么时间做什么事都得受人指挥。一直都是！我觉得我好像脱轨的火车。我不要你帮我决定下一步怎么走。” “很好。那你自己做决定。要快，不然我替你决定。” 我还没来得及回答，莉珀就介入了。“盖奇，”她低语，纤细的手指搭上他绷紧的二头肌轻轻抚摸。他的注意力立刻转移。他看着她，脸上的线条柔和下来，然后深吸一口气。我从未见过任何人对我权威感十足的兄长有这般影响力，令我印象深刻。“这是个过程，”她和声说道。“我知道我们很想让海芬跳过中间的部分，直达终点……但我想唯一能让她走出去的方式，就是经历这个过程，一步一步来。” 他眉头紧皱，但没有争论。他们私下交换眼神。显然稍后等我不在场时，会有更多讨论。 他转回来看我。“海芬，”他静静地说，“要是你有个朋友告诉你，她丈夫把她扔在外面门阶上过一夜，你会怎么说？你会如何劝她？” “我……我会叫她立刻离开他，”我承认。“但我的情况不一样。” “怎么说？”他是真的不懂。 “我不知道，”我无助地回答。 扒奇双手抹抹脸，站起来从桌边离开。“我要换衣服去办公室一下。我一通电话也不会打。”他刻意顿了顿才又说：“暂时不打。”他走向高脚椅，抱起麦修并且举高，让宝宝开心地尖叫。盖奇把扭动的小宝宝放低，亲吻他的脖子后抱在怀里。“嘿，小伙伴，我不在时，乖乖听妈咪的话做乖小孩。等一下我回来，我们就可以一起玩些男子汉的游戏。” 扒奇把宝宝放回椅子后，低头亲亲妻子，一手滑过去托住她的颈背。这不只是随意一吻，而是更长、更用力地吻着，直到她伸手抚摩他的脸。他抽身，目光持续望着她，两人之间似乎一切尽在不言中。 莉珀等到盖奇去淋浴后，才轻声告诉我：“他带你回家后，非常难过。他很爱你。想到有人伤害你，让他气疯了。他费尽力气才克制住没去达拉斯……没去做一些对你并非最有利的事。” 我脸色刷白。“如果他去找尼克——” “不不，他不会的。只要能达到他想要的结果，盖奇非常能够自制。相信我，他会采取任何必要的行动来帮助你，无论事情多么困难。” “对不起把你拖下水，”我说。“我知道这是你或盖奇都不想要的麻烦事。” “我们是你的家人啊。”她靠过来，用另一个深长舒服的拥抱揽住我。“我们曾想出办法来的。别担心盖奇，我不会让他欺负你的。他只是要你安全……但他一定得学着让你自行主导这件事要如何处理。” 我心中涌起一波对她的感激和爱意。要是我心底还有一丝残存的怨恨或嫉妒，此时此刻也消失无踪。 一旦开口，我就停不下来，把一切都跟莉珀说了，包括尼克控制家务的方式，我该如何烫衬衫，还有他改叫我“玛莉”。最后一项令她瞪大眼睛低声说：“噢，海芬。听起来像是他要把你抹除干净。” 我们铺开一大条有谷仓图案的百衲被，麦修在手缝的动物之间爬了一阵子后，在一群绵羊上面沈入梦乡。莉珀打开一瓶冰镇的白葡萄酒。“你的处方笺指示说，酒精可能会增强药物的作用，”她警告。 “那更好，”我伸出玻璃杯。“尽量倒。” 苞个睡着的小婴儿懒洋洋地躺在百衲被上，我试着在莉珀为我放置的数迭枕头之间找到舒服的位置。“我不懂的是，”我告诉她，心中仍在沈思尼克和我的关系，“他好的时候，你会觉得一切都有起色了。你知道该避免哪些地雷。但接着，出现新的地雷区。无论你有多抱歉、多努力尝试，你所说或做的每件事都会使情势越加紧张，然后就炸开来。” “而且一次比一次惨，”她平静笃定的陈述引起我的注意。 “对，完全就是那样。你跟那样的男人约会过吗？” “我母亲有过。”她绿色的眸子看向远方。“那男的叫路易，是『变身医生』那种类型的人。他起初很迷人和善，领着妈妈一步步陷入关系，到情况可怕到该抽身时，她的自尊心已经破碎。那时我太年轻，不明白她为何任由他那样糟蹋。” 她的目光飘向酣睡中的麦修，他又软又沈的小身体像袋面粉。“我觉得你一定得想清楚心理谘商是否能帮尼克改变他的行为，要想清楚你的离开够不够使他想洗心革面。” 我啜口酒，想了一会儿。尼克施虐的作为是可以像剥橘子皮一样剥除的吗？或者那是无法根除的？ “我觉得尼克的行为跟控制欲有关，”终于，我说道。“我看不出他会有承认错误或需要做任何改变的一天。错的永远都是我。”我把喝完的酒杯放到一旁，揉揉前额。“我一直在想……他有没有爱过我？难道我只是个他可以指使操纵的人吗？因为假使他从没关心过我，我还爱上他，这岂不是更白痴吗？” “也许他是在能力范围之内尽量关心你吧，”莉珀说。 我不带半点笑意地笑了。“我真走运。”我发现我们谈起和尼克的关系时，彷佛是过去式了。“要是认识他久一点，”我说下去，“把约会的时期拉长，或许我能看穿那层假象。是我不好，太快一头栽进婚姻。” “不，不是你的错，”莉珀坚持。“有时候爱的仿冒品看起来真的太逼真。” 这让我想起很久以前她在她婚礼当晚说过的话。久得像上辈子的事了。“像你跟康翰迪那段一样？” 她点点头，沈思起来。“是的，尽避我不愿把翰迪归在尼克那一类。他绝对不会伤害女人。事实上，翰迪的问题正好相反……他总是想要救人……我忘了那个词怎么说的……” “白马骑士情结。” “对。但一旦把人救出来，翰迪就想离开了。” “他毁掉盖奇那笔生意时，可称不上是白马骑士，”我忍不住指出。 莉珀的笑容转为懊悔。“你说得对。但我想翰迪认为那是撂倒盖奇，不是针对我。”她摇头表示不认同。“你和尼克之间……他来追求你并不是你的错。我读过，会虐妻的人会选择容易操纵的女性当对象——他们像有雷达似的。例如，就算整座巨蛋体育场都塞满了人，把一个惯于施暴的男人和一个脆弱的女人放进体育场内，他们还是找得到对方。” “噢，很好。”我很愤慨。“我成了活靶。” “你不是活靶，你只是……太相信别人，又很重感情。任何正常的男人都会很欣赏这种特质。但我想尼克那种人可能把别人的爱视为弱点，乘机利用。” 无论我想不想听，那句话都说中了。真相摆在眼前，我无法跳过去，也无法遁逃或绕道……明明白白地杵在那里，挡住任何可能回到尼克身边的通道。 不管我多么爱他或如何为他付出，尼克都不会改变。我越努力讨好他，他就越瞧不起我。 “我不能回去，”我缓缓地说，“对不对？” 莉珀简单地摇摇头。 “我可以想象要是去办离婚，爸爸会怎么说，”我嗫嚅。“他会大肆宣传『我早说过了』。” “不会的，”莉珀诚挚地说。“真的。我不只一次跟桥祺谈过他待你的方式，他很抱歉当时那么不顾情面。” 我才不相信。“爸爸天生就很冷硬。” 莉珀耸耸肩。“无论桥祺怎么说或怎么想，现在都不重要了。重点在于你想要什么。” 我正想告诉她那需要很久才想得清楚，但我在暖呼呼的小宝宝身旁躺下来偎着他，有些事情变得再清晰不过。我不想再被打或被吼了，我想要人家用我的名字叫我，我想要拥有自己的身体，我渴望只要是人类都有权利拥有的每一件事，包括爱。 在内心深处，我知道爱不是一方掌握全部的权利，而另一方完全仰赖。真正的爱侣不可能有地位高低之别。 我用鼻子蹭蹭麦修的头颅。世上没有比干净的小宝宝更好闻的味道了。熟睡的他是多么纯真、充满信赖。尼克会如何对付这样一个无助的小生命呢？ “我想跟律师谈谈，”我困倦地说。“因为我不想做巨蛋体育场的那个女人。” 莉珀拉了一条薄毯轻轻盖在我们两个身上。“好，”她轻声说。“由你主导，海芬。”