Chapter 14 Chapter Fourteen

On Sunday afternoon, the phone rang.The second Sunday after the start of the new term in September.I was making a delayed lunch, but I turned off the gas one by one and picked up the receiver quickly.Because I guess it might be the call from Min about Sumire's news.The ringing of the bell always seems to have a sense of urgency, at least that's how I feel.Unexpectedly, it was the "girlfriend" calling. "It's very important," she said, omitting the greetings--which was rare--"could you come right away?" From the tone of her voice, it seemed that something bad happened. Maybe her husband found out about our relationship.I took a deep breath quietly.If the school finds out about the sleeping of the mother of a classmate, needless to say, I will be in a rather embarrassing situation.In the worst case scenario, he might be dismissed, but there is no way to do that, as it was clear from the beginning.

"Where are you going?" I asked. "Supermarket," she said. I rushed to Tachikawa by train, and it was already half past two when I arrived at the supermarket near the train station.In the afternoon, it was as hot as summer, but I followed her instructions and wore a white shirt and tie, and a thin gray suit.She said that looking like a teacher can make a good impression on the other party, "because you sometimes look like a student". At the door, I asked a clerk who was arranging the sales cards where the security room was. The other party said that the security room was not here, but on the third floor of another building across the road.It turned out to be an inconspicuous three-story building with no elevators inside.The concrete walls are cracked and cracked, as if to say don't mind, the whole thing will be demolished anyway.I climbed the worn narrow stairs, knocked softly on the door with the sign of the security room, and a man's gruff voice let me in.Pushing open the door, she and her son were inside.The two faced each other across the table from a middle-aged man in a security uniform.No one else.

Even if the room is not spacious, it is by no means cramped.Three desks lined up by the window, and a tin filing cabinet stood on the opposite side.On the wall next to him was a duty watch, and three security guard hats were placed on the iron frame.There appeared to be a lounge opposite the frosted-glass door at the top.There is no decoration in the room, no flowers, no paintings, no calendars, only the round clock on the wall is particularly eye-catching.The room was surprisingly empty, like a corner of an ancient world abandoned by time for some reason.Cigarettes, books, and human sweat exude an inconceivable smell that seems to have been fused together for many years.

The security guards on duty are stocky, about fifty-five or six years old, with thick arms, a big head, and gray hair that is dense and stiff. They use cheap hairspray to force them to submit.The ashtray in front of him was full of "Seven Stars" wreckage.As soon as I walked in, he immediately took off his black-rimmed glasses, wiped them with a cloth, and put them back on.It seems that this is his habitual action when meeting strangers.Taking off the glasses, the pair of eyes are as cold as stones picked up from the moon. After wearing the glasses back, the coldness is no longer so cold, but replaced by stagnant pool-like stickiness.Generally speaking, it is not a sight aimed at comforting others.

The room was stuffy and hot. Although the window was open, the wind couldn't come in at all. The only thing that came in was the noise from the road.The hoarse airbrake of a truck stopped at a red light recalls the high-pitched vocals of a late Ben Webster.Everyone sweated a lot.I walked up to the table and exchanged simple greetings and handed out my business card.The security guard took it silently, bit his lip and stared at it for a long time, then put the business card on the table and raised his face to look at mine. "You're a pretty young teacher," he said. "How long have you been working?"

I made a thoughtful look: "The third year." He said "no" and said nothing.But that silence itself is a complex eloquence.He held the business card in his hand again, and stared at my name as if reconfirming something. "My surname is Nakamura, and I am the security director." He reported his surname, but did not give him his business card. "There are extra chairs over there, please pick one up. I'm sorry it's so hot. The air conditioner is out of order. They don't come to repair it on Sundays, and the electric fan is not obedient. It's just waiting to die. I'm afraid it's hot enough , please just take off your suit. I don’t think the matter will end so quickly, I’m already hot just looking at it.”

I moved a chair and took off my shirt as he said.The shirt was sticking to his body with sweat. "However, I always feel that the work of the teacher is indeed enviable." As he spoke, the corner of the security guard's mouth glistened with a smile, but the eyeballs inside the glasses were probing my bottom like a deep-sea carnivore looking for a specific object. .The tone is admittedly polite, but only on the surface.Especially when it comes to the word "teacher", it is obviously contemptuous. "Over a month of summer vacation, I don't have to go to work on Sunday, and I don't have to be on duty at night, and there are people giving gifts. It's so wonderful! Now it seems that I am also working hard at school to get a teacher. But in the end, it is probably destined , I became a supermarket security guard. My brain is not working well. I also told my children: grow up to be a teacher! After all, teachers are the easiest."

My "girlfriend" is wearing a simple blue half-sleeved dress, her hair is neatly pulled up on the top of her head, she wears small earrings, high-heeled white sandals on her feet, a white handbag and small cream-colored hands on her knees. Pa.It was the first time I saw her when I came back from Greece.She didn't say a word, and took turns looking at me and the security guard with her eyes swollen from crying. It was not difficult to see from her expression that she had received a lot of training. I looked at her and then at her son.His real name is Shinichi Nimura, and everyone in his class calls him "Carrot".Slender-faced, thin, with swirls of matted hair, he really looked like a carrot.That's what I usually call him.People are very honest and don't say unnecessary words.His grades are considered good, he does not forget to do his homework, he is on duty to clean the classroom without slipping, and he does not cause trouble.However, I rarely raised my hand to answer questions in class, and I was not in the limelight, not annoying, and not very popular.The mother was quite dissatisfied with this, but from the teacher's point of view, it was a pretty good child.

"I heard about the situation from the student's mother, on the phone." The security guard asked me. "I heard about it," I said. "Pickpocketing." "Exactly," said the security guard, picked up the cardboard box under his feet, put it on the table, and pushed it to my side.There were eight staplers still wrapped in plastic in the box.I took one in my hand and looked at it: the price was eight hundred and fifty yuan. "Eight of the staplers," I said, "all of them?" "Yes, all of them." I put the stapler back in the paper tray. "The price is 6,800 yuan in total, right?"

"Yes, six thousand eight hundred yuan. You must think so: of course it's not just pickpocketing, it's a crime. But why make such a fuss, there are only eight staplers at most, let alone a schoolboy. That's it. Think about it?" I said nothing. "It's okay, even if you think so. After all, there are worse crimes in the world than pickpocketing eight staplers. Before working as a security guard here, I was also a front-line police officer for a long time , the situation is clear." The security guard looked me straight in the eyes and said.I also met his gaze head-on without giving him the impression of being challenging.

"If it's the first time, the store won't be making a fuss because of this level of pickpocketing. We also rely on customers to eat, and we all want to stop things in moderation and not make things big. Originally, bring him to this room, Just a little scaring and scaring will be enough; when it is bad, at most, contact the family and remind, without notifying the school. Try to calm down such things as much as possible, this is the basic policy of our store to deal with child pickpocketing. "The problem is that this kid is not pickpocketing for the first time today. It has happened before, as far as I know, three times. Pay attention, it's three times! And whether it's the first time or the second time, this kid refuses to say his name." And the school I was in. I handled it both times, so I remember it very clearly. No matter what I said or asked, I just kept silent. In the words of the police, it is the so-called silence. No apology, no remorse, very contradictory I told him that I wouldn’t be afraid to take him to the police if I didn’t tell my surname, but he still kept silent. But this time, I forced him to show the monthly bus ticket, so I figured out the name.” He paused , waiting for the details of the matter to seep into my brain.He was still looking into my eyes, and I didn't look away. "Another point is that the content of the stolen things is not good, and it is not lovable. At first, it was fifteen mechanical pencils, and the amount was 9,750 yuan. The second time was eight compasses, and the amount was 8,000 yuan. That is to say, they always concentrate on stealing the same kind of things. Not for their own use, or purely for pranks, or to sell to schoolmates.” I pictured Carrot selling staplers to the class during lunch break.Things can't be that simple. "It's hard to understand," I said, "why would you pickpocket so brazenly in a store? If you do it several times in a row, of course you will be recognized, and you will be vigilant. When you are caught, you will be punished severely. If you want to succeed." Wouldn't it be human to change a store?" "It's useless to ask me about that kind of thing. In fact, it may be done in other stores. If it is not the case, I have a soft spot for our store, or I don't know my appearance. After all, I am just a store. There is a security guard here, who can’t consider complicated situations one by one, and didn’t get that salary. If you want to know more, just ask me how it is? It’s the same today, I’ve been here for three hours, and I just refuse to open my mouth and say nothing .At first glance, it looks quite honest, but in fact it is very good. That's why I thank the teacher. I'm really sorry for interrupting my good rest time. "...However, I noticed just now that your tan is quite impressive. It's not directly related to this matter - where did you go during the summer vacation?" "I didn't go anywhere special," I said. He still looked at my face seriously, like I was an important part of the problem. I picked up the stapler again and took a closer look.The very common little stapler that is stocked in any home and office—a cheap office item of perfection.The security guard held the "Seven Stars" in his mouth, lit the top with a big lighter, and turned his face to blow out smoke. I turned to the child and asked gently, "Why the stapler?" Carrot, who had been looking at the floor, quietly raised his face to look at me, but said nothing.Only then did I realize that his expression was completely different from usual, his expression disappeared strangely, his eyes were out of focus, and his vision lacked a sense of depth. "Couldn't it be threatened by someone?" Carrot still didn't answer, and couldn't even judge whether he understood what I meant.I had to give up.I'm afraid I'll get nothing if I ask here now.He had closed the door and sealed the windows. "Then, what should I do, teacher?" the security guard asked me, "My job is to patrol the store, use surveillance cameras to monitor, and find that current pickpockets are brought to this room. I will take this salary. As for what to do next? How to do it is another problem. Especially if the target is a child, it is even more troublesome. What do you think, teacher? Teachers know this better? Or simply take the matter to the police? But it saves trouble, and there is no need to punch the cotton pile like this, and waste half a day in vain." To be honest, I'm having other thoughts in my head at the moment.The shady security room of the supermarket does not allow me not to think of the policeman on the small Greek island, and then I have to think of Sumire and her disappearance. So it took me a while to figure out what the security guard wanted to say to me. "I also told his father that you have to educate the child well, and tell him that pickpocketing is a crime, and I won't cause you any more trouble." She said in a tone that lacked ups and downs. "So I don't want to make the city stormy—I've heard it many times just now." The security director said impatiently.He knocked the ashes off the ashtray, then turned to me and said, "However, in my opinion, doing the same thing three times is too much anyway. It is necessary to stop somewhere. Teacher, what's your opinion on this?" I take a deep breath and bring my thoughts back to reality: eight staplers, a Sunday afternoon in September. I said, "It's hard to say anything until you talk to the kid. The kid has never been a troublemaker before, and he's not stupid. As for why he pickpocketed so senselessly, it's too early to tell. Take the time to talk to him." .In the process of talking, I think I can definitely find the cause or clues. I am very sorry to cause you trouble." "I said, I don't understand," the other party narrowed his eyes behind the glasses, "This kid—Nimura Shinichi—is a student you teach, right? That means we meet in the classroom every day? Is that so?" "yes." "It's fourth grade, I've been in your class for a year and four months, isn't it good?" "Not bad. Taught from the third grade." "How many students are there in the class?" "Thirty-five." "Then, it's quite predictable. But, I didn't expect the child to make a mistake at all, and I didn't even notice the signs, did I?" "yes." "But wait, this kid has pickedpocketed three times in half a year! And he always does it alone. It's not because someone forced him to do it, it's not out of need, it's not a whim, and it's not for money——I heard his mother say pocket money More than enough money. So it's an intentional crime, stealing for the sake of stealing. That is, there's clearly something 'problem' with the kid. Right? And there's always something about this stuff, right?" "From a teacher's point of view, habitual pickpocketing, especially in the case of children, often comes from subtle mental distortions rather than criminality. Of course, if I observe more carefully, some cases may be I can see it, and I reflect on this point. The problem is that this kind of distortion is very difficult to speculate on the surface, or it cannot be solved immediately by raising the behavior itself as a behavior and giving corresponding punishment. It is not uncommon for children to send some kind of information in the form of pickpocketing. Even if it is not efficient, it can only be solved slowly through interviews.” The security guard pinched out his cigarette, opened his mouth halfway, and stared at my face for a long time as if observing some rare animal.His fingers on the table are very thick, like ten fat living creatures with black hair, I am a little breathless. "What you just said is what people hear when they go to university in pedagogy or something?" "Not necessarily. Because it is common sense in psychology, it can be found in any book." "It's in every book." He repeated my words expressionlessly, and then picked up a towel to wipe the sweat on his thick neck. "What is this subtle mental distortion, this? I said, teacher, as a policeman, I have been dealing with people who are not subtle distortions from morning to night. People like this in the world lie on their backs and hold a broom I can’t even scan it. If I spend a long time listening to these people’s words carefully and carefully thinking about what information is in the words, even if I have a dozen brains, I’m afraid it won’t be enough.” With a sigh, he put the box containing the staplers back under the table. "Everyone's words are reasonable and reasonable: children's hearts are pure, corporal punishment is not allowed, people are equal, and people cannot be judged by points, and they need to be discussed and resolved slowly. This is not a problem. The problem is how much the world will change because of this. Okay? Don’t think about it, it’s better to say that it’s getting worse. I said, I’m afraid people are not all equal, right? I’ve never heard of this. Let me tell you, there are 110 million people in this small Japan Crowded together, if everyone were equal, it would be hell! "Pretty words are easy to say. Close your eyes and pretend not to see it, and just push the question back. Let the children sing the song of fireflies and graduate in a calm manner, and everything will be fine. Pickpocketing is the child's spiritual information, and nothing else has anything to do with me, of course. Have a good time. Who's going to wipe the ass? Us! You think we're naturally happy for this? You look like you're saying six thousand eight hundred dollars at most, but you think about it from the perspective of the stolen one. Work here There are more than one hundred people, and everyone is like a black-eyed chicken because of the price difference of one or two yuan. If there is a one hundred yuan in the cash statistics of the cash register that does not match the account, you have to work overtime to find out. How much does the aunt at the cash register make an hour? Why can't this be told to the students?" I am silent, she is silent, and the child is silent.The security director also seemed to be tired after all, curled up in silence.The phone in the other room rang briefly, and someone picked it up. "So, what should we do?" I said, "Hang him upside down from the ceiling with a rope until he says sorry - is that okay?" "It's not bad at all. But you also know that if you do that, you and I will lose our jobs." "In that case, you can only take the time to talk to him patiently. This is my final opinion." Someone from another department broke into the room without knocking, and said, "Nakamura-kun, borrow the warehouse key." "Nakamura-kun" searched the drawer for a long time, but couldn't find the key. "No." He said, "It's strange, it's been here all the time." The other party said that things are important, and the key will be used soon anyway.Judging from the tone of the two, the key was no joke, it should be there.Several drawers of the desk were turned upside down, but they were still not found. The three of us were silent for a while.From time to time, she glanced at me with some words in her eyes.Carrot was still staring at the floor expressionlessly.I was thinking wildly.It was hot as hell. The person begging for the key had no choice but to give up and walked out muttering. "It's ok." Nakamura Security Director turned around and said in a flat, business-like tone, "Thanks for your hard work, this is the end of the job. The rest is completely entrusted to the teacher and mother. But there is one thing: if the same thing happens again Once, remember, that's when it's going to be troublesome. Understandable? I don't want to be troublesome, but work is work." She nods.I nod too.Carrots fell on deaf ears.I leaned over and stood up.The two also stood up feebly. "The last sentence," the security guard sat up and looked up at me, "I don't think it's polite to say so, and I'm sorry——I think you seem to have something on your mind when I meet you. You are young, tall, handsome, and tanned. Beautiful, well-organized, well-spoken, and my father and brother must like it. But—it’s hard to say—something puzzled me from the first glance, and I couldn’t figure it out. It’s not that I personally agree What do you have, so don't be angry. It's just a feeling, and I wonder what's wrong with me." "As a person, I have a little question, don't you mind?" "Please, it doesn't matter." "If everyone was equal, where would you be?" Nakamura Security Chief sighed heavily into his lungs, shook his head, and slowly took the time to exhale as if forcing something on someone. "No idea. But don't worry, at least it won't be in the same position as you." She parked the red Toyota "Sai Lijia" in the supermarket parking lot.I called her to a place away from the child, told her to go back alone first, have a talk with the child alone, and then send him home.She nodded and wanted to say something, but she didn't say it in the end. She got into the car alone, took out the sunglasses from her handbag, and started the engine. After she left, I led the carrots into a brightly lit trattoria in front of me.Breathing a sigh of relief in the air-conditioned environment, I ordered iced tea for myself and ice cream for my child.I unbuttoned my collar, ripped off my tie and put it in my pocket.Carrot was still in silence, his expression and eyes were no different from those in the security room of the supermarket, and he still seemed to have not broken free from the long-term trance.Small hands with slender fingers were placed neatly on his knees, and he turned his face to look at the floor.I drank iced tea and the carrots didn't touch the ice cream at all.The ice cream melted quickly in the dish, but the carrots didn't seem to notice.We sit opposite each other.Like a couple with a bad relationship, they are silent for a long time.The waitress looked nervous every time she came to our table on business. "There are many things." I finally said.I didn't want to start saying anything, it just came out of my heart.Carrot slowly raised his head and turned to me, but still said nothing.I closed my eyes and sighed, and remained silent for a long time. "I didn't tell anyone about it. I went to Greece for a while during the summer vacation." I said, "Where did you know about Greece? I watched the video in social class. In southern Europe, the Mediterranean Sea. There are many islands and olives. 5 BC Around 2000, the ancient civilization was very developed. Democracy emerged in Athens, and Socrates died of poison. I went there, a very beautiful place. But not for fun. My friend disappeared on a small island in Greece. I went to find it. .Unfortunately not found. Disappeared quietly, like smoke." Carrot's lips were slightly parted, looking at my face.Although the expression is still stiff, the eyes seem to have light returning.He obviously listened to me. "I like that friend, I like it very much, it is more precious than anyone else, so I flew to the Greek island to look for it. But it was useless, and I couldn't find it. In this way, after that friend is gone, I have no more friends No, none." I'm not talking to carrots, just to myself, just thinking out loud to myself. "Do you know what I want to do most now? I want to go to a place as high as the pyramid. The higher the better, the wider the surroundings, the better. Standing on the top, look around the world, see what kind of scenery is there, what is there in the end I lost it from there. I want to see it with my own eyes. No, no, I don’t understand. Maybe I don’t want to see it, I don’t want to see anything.” The waitress came, removed the dish of ice cream that had already melted from the carrot, and put the bill in front of me. "I have lived alone since I was a child. It seems that there are parents and sisters in the family, but no one likes to come, and I can't communicate with anyone in the family. So I wonder if I brought it here, or from some distant relative for some reason. A child who was adopted, or adopted from an orphanage. Thinking about it now, it is even impossible. Because no matter how you look at it, the parents are not the type of people who adopt orphans. All in all, it is difficult to think that you are related to your family. In contrast, outsiders who think they are all irrelevant feel better. "I imagine a small town in the distance, and there is a family in the small town, and that family has my real family. The house is small and simple, but it is very comfortable. There, I can naturally connect with everyone, I can speak out my thoughts and feelings without reservation. In the evening, the sound of my mother cooking comes from the kitchen, and the smell of warm and delicious food floats in. That is where I should be. I always picture it in my mind That place, let yourself be part of it.” "In reality, my family has a dog. I like this dog very much. Although it is a mongrel, but its head is very good. No matter what, I teach it once and never forget it. Take it out for a walk every day, and go to bed together. In the park, sitting on a bench and talking about this and that. It was the happiest time for me as a child. Unexpectedly, Caigou was hit and killed by a truck in the fifth grade of elementary school. After that, I never raised a dog again, the family said Dogs are noisy, dirty and troublesome. "After the dog died, I started reading books alone in the room. I felt that the world in the book was much more vivid and interesting than the world around me. There were scenery in the book that I had never seen before. Books and music became my The most precious friend. There are also a few good friends in school, but I haven’t met anyone who can talk to me. We meet every day to chat a few words and play football together. When encountering difficulties, I don’t accept anyone’s consultation. I think alone. I come to a conclusion and act alone. But I don’t feel very lonely, I take it for granted, and I think that people can only live alone in the final analysis.” "However, I met that friend after I went to college, and my thinking began to be somewhat different after that. I also realized that I always think about things alone for a long time. Being alone can be very lonely at times. "Alone. It's like standing at the mouth of a big river on a rainy evening and watching the river flow into the sea for a long time. Have you ever stood at the mouth of a big river on a rainy evening and watched the river flow into the sea?" Carrot didn't answer. "I have." Carrot opened his eyes completely and looked at my face. "I don't quite understand why it's so lonely to watch a lot of rivers mix with a lot of sea water, but it's true. You should watch it once." After that, I picked up my coat and the bill, stood up slowly, and put my hand on Carrot's shoulder, and he stood up too.We walk out of the store. It takes thirty minutes to walk from there to his house.During the time we walked side by side, neither Carrot nor I spoke. There is a small river near his house, and there is a concrete bridge over the river.The river doesn't mean much, it's hard to call it a river, that is, the drainage ditches are slightly enlarged. This area was probably used as agricultural water when it was still fertile and flat.Now the water is cloudy, there is a slight smell of washing powder, and it is not even clear whether it is flowing.Summer weeds grew in the riverbed, and discarded manga magazines were just there.Carrot stopped in the middle of the bridge, leaned out from the railing and looked down.I stood next to him and looked down as well.For a long time we remained motionless like this.Probably not happy to go home.The mood is understandable. Carrot reached into his trouser pocket, took out a key, and handed it to me.A common key with a big red plastic tag that says "Warehouse 3".It looks like it's the key to the warehouse that Nakamura's security chief was looking for.It is estimated that the carrot was found out of the drawer when it was left alone in the room for some reason, and quickly put it in the pocket.It seems that there is still a mysterious realm in this child's heart that I can't imagine.Incredible kid. I took it and held it in the palm of my hand, feeling that the key seemed to be heavy and filled with many interpersonal entanglements.In the dazzling light of the sun.It looks very shabby, dirty, and wretched.I hesitated for a moment, and resolutely threw the key into the river.A little water splashed up.Although the river is not deep, but because of the turbidity, I don't know where the key went.Carrot and I stood side by side on the bridge, overlooking the river for a long time.After dealing with the keys, I feel more or less relaxed. "It will be inconvenient to return it at this time." I said to myself, "Besides, there must be another key somewhere, after all, it is an important warehouse." I stretched out my hand, and the carrot was gently grasped.The feeling of his tiny hands is in the palm of my hand.It was a long, long time ago where—where? ——The feeling that has been experienced.I just held my little hand and walked towards his house. When we arrived at his house, she was waiting for us, already changed into a white tank top and pleated skirt, her eyes were red and swollen.After returning home, I probably cried alone all the time.Her husband runs a real estate company in Tokyo. He either works or plays golf on Sundays, and is rarely at home.She sent the carrots to her room on the second floor, and instead of letting me into the living room, she led me to the kitchen table.Probably because it's easy to talk here, I think.Large avocado green refrigerator, Irish kitchen cabinets, large glass windows facing east. "The complexion seems to be a little more normal than before." She whispered to me, "I don't know how to see the child for the first time in the security guard's room. This is the first time I have seen such eyes, it seems like I have gone to school." It's like another world." "Don't worry, it will recover naturally after a while. So don't say anything for now, just let it go, I think." "Then what did you two do after that?" "Speak." I said. "What are you talking about?" "I didn't say anything decent. Or if it's just me saying it casually, it doesn't matter." "Would you like some cold drink?" I shake my head. "There were times when I really didn't know what to say to the kid, and it just seemed to get stronger," she said. "There is no need to force it. Children have their own world, and when they want to talk, they will take the initiative to ask you to talk." "But the kid said almost nothing." We took care not to allow physical contact, sat across the dining table facing each other, and said something lukewarm, the way teachers usually talk to children whose mothers have problems.As she spoke, she fiddled with her fingers nervously on the table, sometimes gathering, stretching, and clenching.I can't help thinking of what that finger has done for me on the bed. "I won't report this matter to the school anymore. I'll have a good talk with him, and solve any problems, so you don't have to think too seriously. That kid is smart and sensible. As long as there is a certain amount of time, everything will be fine." Everyone gets what they want. This situation is transitional, and the key is for you to calm down." In order to let my meaning seep into the other person's mind, I spoke slowly and gently, and repeated the same words again.It seemed that she was somewhat relieved. She said she would drive me back to the national dormitory. "Could it be that the child felt something?" she asked me while waiting for the signal light.Of course it refers to the matter between me and her. I shake my head. "How did you see that?" "Just now when I was alone at home waiting for you to come back, I suddenly felt that way. There is no basis for it, it's just a feeling. Firstly, the child is naturally sensitive, and secondly, I'm afraid that I may be aware that my husband and I are not very harmonious." I am silent.She didn't say anything more. She parked the car in a parking lot two streets away from my dormitory and pulled the hand brake.Turn the key to turn off the engine.After the sound of the engine died down, so did the sound of the air conditioner, and an uncomfortable silence fell in the car.I knew she wanted me to hug her right away, and my mouth went dry thinking of her smooth body under her shirt. "I think we'd better not see each other again." I said through gritted teeth. She didn't say anything about it, and kept her hands on the steering wheel, staring at the oil pressure gauge intently, and the expression disappeared from her face. "I've thought about it for a long time," I said, "but I still can't be part of the problem, even for many people. It's impossible to be part of the problem and part of the solution." "A lot of people?" "Especially for your son." "And also for you?" "That's true, of course." "What about me? Am I included among many people?" I wanted to say "include", but failed to export smoothly.She took off her dark green sunglasses, then tried to put them back on. "Tell you, I didn't want to say it lightly-it was quite painful for me not to see you." "Of course it's painful for me. It would be nice if it lasted forever. But it's not the right thing to do." She took a big breath and let it out. "What is the right thing? Can you tell me? To be honest, I don't quite understand what is the right thing, and what is the wrong example. What is the right thing?" I can't answer that well either. She looks like she's about to cry, or yell, but she stops there and just keeps her hands on the steering wheel.The back of the hand is a little red. "When I was young, many people took the initiative to talk to me, telling me all kinds of things, pleasant, beautiful, mysterious. But after a certain time point, no one talked to me anymore , not a single one. Husband, children, friends...all, it seems that there is nothing to talk about in the world. Sometimes I feel that my body is transparent and I can see the other side." She took her hands off the steering wheel and held them up in front of her eyes. "But it's useless to tell you this, you certainly don't understand." I started searching, but couldn't find words. "Thank you for today's facts." She said as if changing her mind.At this time, her voice had almost returned to her usual composure. "Today's matter, I'm afraid I can't handle it alone, because I feel very uncomfortable. Fortunately, you came here, thank you very much. I think you will definitely become a very good teacher, and you are almost the same now." I wondered if there was any sarcasm in her words, and it must have been. "It's not even close yet," I said. She smiled slightly.Our conversation ends here. I opened the passenger seat door and got out of the car.On a summer Sunday afternoon, the sky was visibly dimmed.I felt a little tight in my chest, and when I touched the ground, the soles of my feet felt amazing.Honda started the engine, and she withdrew from the confines of my personal life, forever and ever, presumably.She put down the car window and waved gently, and I raised my hand too. Back at the dormitory, I put my sweat-stained shirt and underwear into the washing machine, took a shower, washed my hair, went to the kitchen to finish the unfinished lunch, and ate alone.Then I retreated into the sofa and wanted to continue reading the book I had already read at the beginning, but I couldn't read the five pages, so I had to give up, closed the book and thought for a while, and then wanted to throw down the warehouse key of Dirty Water River, and wanted to hold on to the steering wheel of the Honda The hands of the "girlfriend" on the table.The day passed anyway, and what was left were unsorted thoughts.After so long in the shower, the smell of smoke still lingers on me, and I have a living feeling on my hands, as if trying to tear apart a living object. Am I doing something right? I can't think I'm doing the right thing, I'm just doing what needs to be done to me.There's a big difference here. "A lot of people?" she asked me. "Am I included in many people?" To be honest, what I thought about at that time was not many people, only Sumire.It wasn't them or us that existed there, only Sumire who wasn't there.