Chapter 4 Chapter Four
During my first summer vacation at university, I traveled alone to Hokuriku on a whim. I met a woman who was also traveling alone and was eight years older than me on the electric train. situation.
She was in charge of foreign exchange work in a bank in Tokyo. After a batch of vacations, she took a few books and traveled alone. "Walking with other people is just mentally exhausting," she said.She made people feel very good, and for some reason she became interested in me, a taciturn eighteen-year-old student who looked like a bean sprout.However, when she sat across from me and chatted with me, she seemed very relaxed and natural, and laughed from time to time.I was also able to say a lot with ease, which is rare for me.It happened that both of them got off at Kanazawa Station again.She asked me if I had a place to stay, and I said no (I hadn't booked a hotel room yet).She said she had booked a room at the hotel and might as well share it, "Never mind, we pay the same for two people." I apologized to her for the awkward intercourse I had at first due to my nervousness.
"Look, you don't have to apologize," she said. "It's polite." She got out of the shower, wrapped in a terry bathrobe, got two cold beers from the refrigerator, and handed me one.
Halfway through the beer, she suddenly remembered and asked me, "Do you want to drive?"
"It's on." I replied.
"How is it going?"
"Just got a driver's license, so not so good, average."
She smiled slightly and said, "Me too. I think I drive pretty well, but the people around me don't admit it. So, it's just average. But there are people around you who drive very well, right?"
"there is."
"On the contrary, there are also people who drive poorly."
I nod.She took another sip of beer quietly and pondered for a moment.
"To a certain extent, it is probably innate, and it is not unreasonable to call it a talent. There are dexterous people, and there are clumsy people... At the same time, there are people who are cautious and not so careful. People. Right?" I nodded again.
"So, if you think about it a little bit: Suppose you're traveling with someone on a long drive. You're a pair, and you take turns driving from time to time. So in this case, which one do you choose as a partner—a car that drives well but not so much? People who are careful and people who don't drive very well but are careful."
"Choose the latter," I replied.
"Me too," she said, "this kind of thing is about the same as that. Whether you are good at it or not, clever or stupid, it doesn't matter, that's what I think. Be careful—that's what I think." It is the most important thing. Sink your heart and carefully listen to all kinds of movements."
"Listen?" I asked.
She smiled and didn't answer.After a while, the second copulation began.This time it went very well.Heart to heart communication.I seem to understand more or less what it means to listen carefully.It is also the first time I have witnessed how women react when intercourse is really smooth.
The next day we had breakfast together, and we went our separate ways.She goes on her trip and I go on mine.When we parted, she told me that she was planning to marry a colleague in the unit two months later. "An excellent person." She smiled happily, "We have been together for five years, and we have finally reached the stage of marriage. Therefore, it is unlikely that we will travel alone for a while. This time may be the last."
I was young and thought that such an affair would happen once in a while in my life.The realization that this was not the case was later.
A long time ago, I mentioned this incident to Sumire by the way during a conversation, but I can't remember exactly how it caused it, or when it came to the way of expressing sexual desire, I don't know.In short, when faced with questions, I will basically give straightforward answers, such is my personality.
"What's the point of the story?" Sumire asked at the time.
"The point is to be careful, I suppose," I said, "not to set things to death one way or the other at first, but to listen honestly as the case may be, and keep your heart and your head open often."
Sumire let out a "huh", seeming to be regurgitating my insignificant sexual adventure anecdote in her head, and maybe thinking about how to subtly write it into her novel. "Anyway, your experience is rich enough." "There is nothing rich in experience." I protested mildly. "I just ran into it by chance."
She bit her nails lightly and thought for a long time. "But how can this be done carefully? When it comes to an emergency, even if you want to be careful and listen carefully, you can't do it immediately, can you? Can you be more specific, with an example?"
"Calm down first. For example—count something."
"What else?"
"Oh—let's think about the cucumbers in the refrigerator on a summer afternoon. Just an example, of course."
"Maybe," Sumire said after a pause, "you always think about the cucumbers in the refrigerator on summer afternoons and having sex with women."
"Not always."
"Occasionally."
"Occasionally." I admit.
Sumire frowned and shook her head a few times. "You are so weird that you can't see it on the surface."
"Everyone has something strange," I said.
"During the time Min was holding hands and staring at that restaurant, my head kept thinking about cucumbers. My heart wanted to sink my breath and listen," Sumire told me.
"cucumber?"
"You told me about the chilled cucumbers in the fridge on a summer afternoon, don't you remember?"
"Then, I said it before." I remembered, "Then, is it useful?"
"some."
"That's good." I said.
Sumire back to business.
"Min's apartment is just a short walk from the restaurant. Not big, but beautiful. Sunny balcony, potted houseplants, Italian leather sofas, great stereo, matching prints, parking "Jaguar" in the field. She lives here alone. The house she lives with her husband is somewhere in Setagaya, and she goes back on the weekends. She eats and lives alone in an apartment room. Guess where she shows me What's going on?"
"Mark Bowland's most beloved snakeskin sandals in a glass display case - an indispensable and precious relic in the history of rock music development. Not a single scale has peeled off. The parts that are not soiled are signed by me. Followers saw God I'm a fan." Sumire frowned and sighed, "If a car was invented that runs on the fuel of silly jokes, you'd probably be able to go a long way."
"However, such things as intellectual exhaustion do exist in the world." I said modestly.
"OK, regardless of that, now think about it carefully: what did I see there? You guessed it, I will pay the bill here."
I coughed dryly and said, "I showed you the luxury suit you're wearing now, and let you wear it to work."
"Medium." Sumire said, "She has a friend who is about the same size as me. He is very rich and has a lot of clothes. The world is also really inexplicable. There are clothes that can't fit in a closet, and socks like me. They don’t match right and left. But forget it, this. In short, she went to that friend’s house to beg for a bunch of 'excess' clothes for me. If you look closely, you can see that they are somewhat outdated, but generally you can’t tell, right? "
No matter how you look at it, I said.
Sumire smiled with satisfaction: "The size fits like a mystery. Dresses, shirts, skirts, everything is just right. It's just that the waist size needs to be tightened a little, but it's not a problem if you put on a belt. Shoes, they happen to be the same as Min's. I bought a few pairs of shoes she didn’t want, high-heeled ones, low-heeled ones, summer sandals…all with Italian names on them. I also asked for a handbag and some cosmetics. "
"Like it," I said.
In this way, Sumire went to Min's office three times a week.Wearing a dress, high heels and even light makeup, she took the commuter train from Kichijoji to Harajuku Station.I can't believe that she managed to catch the tram in the morning.In addition to the office in Akasaka's company, Min also opened her own small office in Jingumae.There was only Min's desk and the desk of his assistant (that is, Sumire), and only filing cabinets, fax machines, telephones, and laptops.A room with an almost perfunctory kitchenette and shower. There are CD players, small stereos, and a dozen CDs of western classical music.The room is located on the third floor, the window faces east and you can see the park outside.The first floor is the Nordic imported furniture exhibition hall.The location is a little bit off the main street, so the noise from the street can hardly pass through.
As soon as she arrived at the office, Sumire changed the water for the flowers, made coffee with the coffee machine, then listened to the message on the voice recorder, and confirmed Yi Meier on the laptop.If Yimeier comes in, she will print it out and put it on Min's desk.Most of them are from foreign companies and agents, almost either in English or French.The mail is opened as soon as it is found, and the obviously useless ones are thrown away.There are several phone calls a day, and there are also calls from foreign countries.Sumire asked the other party's name and phone number, and if there was anything to ask, she would record it and transfer it to Min's cell phone.
Min usually came to the office between 1:00 p.m.Letters that need to be answered are dictated and typed on the word processor, or sent directly to Yi Meier, or sent by fax.Most of them are simple transactional letters.There were also times when Sumire made reservations for beauty parlors, restaurants, and squash courts for her.After roughly finishing these matters, Min and Sumire chatted for a while, and then went somewhere else.
Sumire stayed alone in the office, and there were times when she didn't talk to anyone for hours, but she didn't feel lonely or bored at all.She reviewed Italian, which she had taught twice a week, memorized irregular verb conjugations and corrected her pronunciation with a tape recorder.Open up the information on the hard drive, and put into his head the main work that Min is about to do.Min's business is roughly as she said at the wedding banquet.She signed an exclusive agency contract with foreign (mainly France) small wine manufacturers, imported wine, and wholesaled it to restaurants and specialty stores in Tokyo.Sometimes also involved in the recruitment of Western classical music performers.Of course, it is a professional big agency who is responsible for the complicated actual operation, and what she does is planning and arrangement at the initial stage.What Min is best at is finding a young and talented performer who is not very popular and inviting him to Japan.
Sumire didn't know how profitable Min's "personal business" was.First, the financial software is kept separately, and second, some things in the software cannot be opened without a password.No matter what, as long as she could talk to Min, Sumire couldn't hold back her excitement, and her chest kept jumping.She thought to herself: This is the chair that Min sits on, that is the ballpoint pen that Min uses, and that is the cup that Min drinks coffee from.Min confessed, no matter how young she was, she would do her best.From time to time Min invited her to have dinner with her.Due to the needs of the wine business, Min had to visit famous restaurants on a regular basis to input all kinds of information into her head.Min always orders white-fleshed fish (occasionally chicken, half left), and no sweets.The wine list was carefully researched, and Bordeaux was finally selected, but I only drank one glass. "You can drink whatever you want!" Min said.But no matter how much Jin can drink, she can't drink much by herself.Therefore, more than half of the expensive Bordeaux wine is always left, but Min doesn't care much.
"It's not too wasteful for two people to ask for a bottle of Bordeaux? I can't drink half of it." Sumire said to Min once.
"Don't be afraid, then." Min smiled, "the more wine is left, the more people in the store can taste it: from the sommelier, the head waiter to the person pouring water at the bottom. In this way, everyone can drink wine. Remember the taste of the wine. Therefore, it is not a waste to order high-end wine.” Min looked at the Médoc brewed in 1968 for a while, tasting it carefully from multiple angles, as if thinking about the style of the article.
"It's like this in everything—in the final analysis, the most useful thing is to use your own cheeks and pockets to learn, rather than ready-made knowledge from books." Jin picked up the wine glass, and took a sip of wine carefully with Xuemin's appearance, sent deep in the throat.The refreshing aftertaste lingers in the mouth for a few seconds before disappearing as quickly as morning dew on summer leaves.In this way, the tongue is ready to taste the next bite of food.Every time I ate and talked with Min, Sumire gained something.In the face of the fact that there were so many things she didn't understand, Sumire couldn't help but feel astonished, and it was only astonishment.
"Before. I never once thought about becoming someone other than myself." Once, also because of drinking a little more wine than before, Sumire resolutely said to Min, "But now I really want to Be like you."
Min held her breath momentarily.Then, as if changing his mind, he took the wine glass and brought it to his lips.Due to the effect of the light, her eyes seemed to be dyed the deep grape color of wine for a moment, and the usual delicate expression escaped from her face.
"I'm afraid you don't know me yet," Min put the glass back on the table, and said in a calm tone, "the me here is not the real me. Fourteen years ago, I became half of the real me. If I How wonderful it was to see you when I was still the original me! But now, it’s useless to think about it.” Sumire was so surprised that she was stunned for a moment, so that she missed the opportunity to ask what she should have asked at that time—— What happened to her four years ago?Why became "half"? What happened to "half"?As a result, these enigmatic words deepened Sumire's longing for Min.What a strange woman!Through intermittent daily conversations, Sumire was able to grasp a few things about Min.Min's husband is Japanese, five years older. He studied abroad in the Economics Department of Seoul National University for two years and speaks fluent Korean.Generous and extremely capable, he is actually at the helm of Keimin's company.Although there are many people in the company, there is no one who speaks ill of him.
Min played the piano well at an early age.As a teenager, he won best performance awards at several competitions for young musicians.Later, he entered the music university to accept the guidance of famous teachers, and was recommended to study abroad in the music academy in France.From late romantics such as Schumann and Mendelssohn to Frank, Ravel, Prokofiev and many more, she is at the center of the show's performances.
Sensitive timbre and impeccable technique are her magic weapon for success.When I was a student, I held several music recitals, and the response was good.The future as a pianist spread out brightly before her eyes.However, it was also because her father's condition worsened during the study abroad period that she closed the piano cover and returned home.I haven't touched the keyboard since then.
"Why did you give up the piano so easily?" Sumire asked apprehensively, "It's okay not to say it if you don't want to. But how to say it, I find it a bit confusing. After all, you sacrificed a lot to become a pianist before that." Well, isn’t it?” Min said in a calm voice, “I don’t sacrifice a lot for the piano, it’s everything, everything in my growth process. The piano requires me to give all my flesh and blood as a sacrifice, and I have never sacrificed for it. Didn't say no, not even once." "Since this is the case, don't you think it's a pity to give up the piano? It's already one step away."
Min stared steadily into Sumire's eyes, as if she wanted the other party to answer, her gaze was very penetrating.At the bottom of a pair of pupils, like an abyss in a torrent, there are several silent waves rolling over, and it will take some time for them to recover.
"I'm sorry for asking too many questions." Sumire apologized.
"Where. It's just that I can't express it well."
The subject was never brought up again between the two.
Min banned smoking in the office and didn't like others smoking in front of her, so Sumire decided to quit smoking shortly after she started working, but the progress was not smooth, after all, she used to smoke two packs of Marlboros a day.A month later, she lost her mental balance like an animal with its long tail cut off (although it is hard to say that this was an aptitude that gave her character traits).Of course, she would call in the middle of the night now and then.
"All I think about is smoke. I don't sleep well, and I have nightmares when I sleep. I also suffer from constipation. I can't read books, and I can't write a line of articles."
"This situation will happen to everyone when quitting smoking, more or less, for a while." I said.
"It's easy to say what other people say." Sumire continued, "First of all, you have never smoked since you were born, haven't you?"
"If it's not easy for others, this world is extremely cold and dangerous." Sumire was silent for a long time on the other end of the phone, the heavy silence brought by the undead on the Eastern Front.
"Hello," I greeted.
Sumire then said: "But to be honest, I'm afraid it's not entirely because I quit smoking. Of course that's one of the reasons, but it's not all. Or quitting smoking seems to be an excuse—"I can't write It’s because of smoking cessation, there’s no other way.”
"That's why you're extra annoyed?" "I guess." Sumire admitted frankly, which was rare. "And it's not just that I can't write, the most uncomfortable thing is that I can't be as confident as before in the act of writing. Looking back at what I wrote a while ago, I feel that it is meaningless, and I don't even understand it. I don’t know what to say, I’m so dry. It feels like seeing a stinky sock that I just took off and fell on the floor from a distance. Thinking of how much time and energy I spent writing this kind of stuff, I don’t even bother to say anything .”
"At that time, just call at three o'clock in the middle of the night to symbolically wake up someone who has fallen into a peaceful and symbolic dreamland!"
"I said, have you ever felt lost: whether what you're doing is right or not?"
"It's rare when you're not confused." I said.
"real?"
"Really." Sumire tapped her front teeth with her nails.It was one of her bad habits when she was thinking. "To be honest, I didn't have that kind of confusion at all before this. It's not that I have confidence in myself or that I have talent or something, it's not like that. I'm not stupid enough to go to that point. I know that I am anticlimactic and do my own way. .But there has never been confusion. Although there are some errors, I still believe that I am moving in the right direction."
"So far so lucky," I said, "simple and simple, like rain at the time of transplanting rice seedlings."
"perhaps."
"But not recently."
"Yes, not recently. From time to time, I feel that I have been doing the wrong things in the past, and I am terribly afraid. In the middle of the night, I dreamed vividly. When I woke up suddenly, I couldn't figure out whether it was reality for a long time— —Is there such a thing? It is such a feeling. I said, you understand?"
"I think I understand," I said.
"It's possible that I won't be able to write novels anymore, I've been thinking a lot these days. I'm just one of those swarms of stupid girls everywhere, too self-aware to chase impossible dreams. I I'm afraid it's time to close the piano cover and walk off the stage before it's too late."
"Close the piano lid?"
"simile."
I switched the receiver from my left hand to my right. "I'm sure of it, and I'll believe it if you don't: you're going to write a brilliant novel one day. You'll see it in what you've written."
"You really think so?"
"I think so from the bottom of my heart, I don't lie to you." I said, "I don't lie about this kind of thing. In the past, there were many parts in your writing that were radiant and impressive. For example, after reading your description By the seaside in May, you can hear the wind, smell the tide, and feel the warmth of the sun in your arms. For example, after reading your description of the small room covered in the smell of cigarettes, breathing It really becomes unsmooth, and the eyes start to hurt. Not everyone can write this kind of living article. There is a natural flow in your article, just like the article itself is breathing and moving. It’s just for now There is no need to close the piano lid if it is not seamlessly connected."
Sumire was silent for fifteen to twenty seconds. "Not consolation, not just encouragement?"
"It's not consolation, it's not encouragement, it's the obvious and powerful truth."
"Like the Vltava?"
"Like the Vltava."
"thanks."
"You're welcome," I said. "You are so kind sometimes, just like meeting a newborn puppy during Christmas and summer vacation." I faltered and said a nonsensical sentence——Shou I always do that when people compliment me.
"Occasionally, I mutter to myself," Sumire said, "that you're going to marry some real woman soon, and forget about me completely. Then I won't be able to make phone calls in the middle of the night as I like. right?"
"If you have something to say, call it in broad daylight."
"Not during the day. You still don't understand anything!"
"You don't understand anything. Most people in the world work in the sun and sleep with lights off in the middle of the night," I protested.But the protest sounded like the idyll of whispering to yourself in the middle of a pumpkin patch.
"It's been reported in the newspaper recently," Sumire ignored my words at all, "for women who like homosexuality, the shape of a bone in the ear is decisively different from that of ordinary women when they are born. The bone is very small, and the name is hard to remember. Yes. That is to say, homosexuality is not an acquired tendency, but a genetic nature. It was discovered by an American doctor. It is difficult to judge why he conducted this research, but anyway, since then I have started to worry about it. Think about that bone in your ear that is causing trouble, think about the shape of my bone." I didn't know what to say, so I kept silent.There was a long silence like that when the vast pan was poured with new oil.I opened my mouth and said, "You can't be wrong that what you feel in Min is sexual desire?" Wind chimes made of shells. And there is a desire to be hugged tightly by her, to give everything to her. If this is not sexual desire, what is flowing in my veins is tomato juice."
I said "no".Unable to answer.
"Thinking about it this way, it's not difficult to get answers to many questions before—why I'm not interested in having sex with boys, why I don't feel anything, why I always feel that I am different from others..."
"Can I have a comment?" I asked.
"of course can."
"In my experience, explaining everything too smoothly—whether it is reason or theory—has its pitfalls. Someone once said that if a book can explain it, it is better not to explain it. I What I’m trying to say is: it’s best not to jump to conclusions too quickly.”
"Remember it." Jin said and hung up the phone, rather abruptly.
I picture Sumire putting the receiver back on the phone and walking out of the phone booth in my mind.The clock's hour hand pointed at three-thirty.I went to the kitchen to drink a glass of water, went back to bed and closed my eyes.But sleep never came.Opening the curtains, the white moon floated quietly in the night sky like a sensible orphan.It seems that I can't sleep anymore.I made a new espresso, moved my chair to the window, ate a few crackers with cheese, and read a book as I waited for dawn.
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