Chapter 3 Chapter One

In the spring of exactly twenty-five years from now, I met the Katase couple.It was a clear but windy and chilly day. The cherry blossoms in full bloom were trembling by the wind, and they fell one after another, dyeing the grass-covered courtyard a light pink.Sometimes there would be a sudden gust of wind, and at this moment, the women would cry out in surprise and grab the corners of their skirts with their hands.The long tables on the lawn are covered with ironed flat tables, and the attendants tied with bows must always be careful not to let the petals fall into the dishes. Among the well-dressed crowd, I was the only one in mid-length jeans and a fuzzy dark blue sweater.Very incongruous in that situation.Katase Shintaro said to me, "Thank you for your visit, please enjoy it", I put the dishes on the plate according to his words, and started to taste.But they are all dishes that I have never seen before. I am a little ignorant of food, and I can't tell whether it is delicious or not.

The Katase couple stood under the cherry tree, talking and laughing happily with an old gentleman holding white wine in his hand.Shintaro Katase was wearing a rather elegant British pinstripe suit with a neckerchief tucked into his chest.His wife, Hinako, was wearing a flimsy evening dress that looked like a Middle Eastern woman. As if looking for someone, Shintaro Katase looked around, saw me standing by the long table, and smiled kindly.Then he murmured something to Hinako, Hinako turned her head to look at me, and nodded with a ambiguous smile. A gust of wind blew, and the falling petals fell on the smiling faces of the two of them like rain.In an instant, they were chatting with the old gentleman again.Katase Shintaro smiled, and Hinako laughed too, and the petals danced in their smiling faces.

Only one thing is incredible.I don't know why, but on the day I met them, my memory has no color, no sound, no smell, and no brilliance.It's like a musty old 8mm film, only blurry images are released one by one.In that image there is no nostalgia, no sadness, no regret, nothing.Like an intercepted fragment of a huge tide, the scenery can only be seen in a very short moment. In March 1970, I was running around looking for a good part-time job.The boyfriend who was living with him at the time was arrested during the fight to prevent Sato from visiting the United States in November of the previous year.The support from his parents was also cut off, so I had to take care of him.

Boyfriend's name is Toshio Tang Mu.Tang Mu is my senior who was two years older than me in the same university, and is an active member of the New Left trend group.Because I have repeated grades for two consecutive years, so I am the same year as me. When we started dating, Karaki rented houses in Kouenji and I rented houses in Nakano.Tang Muzuo's public high school was originally used as a company dormitory, so it was a room with six tatami mats in the past, at the end of the dark corridor facing north.I've been to his room several times, and there isn't even a tap in the room.In the room covered with quilts, it was flooded with a lot of books and messy things, and there was no place to walk.Even if you just want to make a cup of instant coffee, you have to connect the wire of the thermos bottle to the plug of the light bulb hanging from the ceiling, and then you have to hold the thermos bottle with your hands until the water boils.

Not long after, Tang Mu found various reasons to come to my place to spend the night.Although my room is only about two square meters, it is comfortable to live in because it faces the southeast; I use an electric heating table in winter, and open the window to let the wind blow in summer.I bought the refrigerator from a friend, although it was second-hand, but it was quite cheap.Although there are cockroaches, there are no mice. Compared with Tang Mu's room, it can be said to be a paradise. Gradually, Tang Mu regarded my house as a place for their activities, and there were always people at home whenever he went back.Sometimes there are even men who have never met before sleeping wrapped in a blanket. When they ask who it is, they just say a random name without saying hello or apologizing, and continue to fall asleep.Later, he protested to Tang Mu, Tang Mu apologized and said that it would never be like this again, this is my room with Bumiko, and he promised not to let other people come in.But within a week, another group of people I didn't know came to my place in turn.

I was also sent by them to buy Coke, and occasionally I had to help them print leaflets.I met Toshio Tang Mu when the university was blocked and he didn't know when he would resume teaching.The students lost their place of activity, and driven by inexplicable excitement, they began to gather in front of the gate to hold discussions and assemblies.I am also in the great wheel of this era.Tang Mu, who was busy distributing leaflets, sat beside me. "Do you have any cigarettes?" When asked, I took out Seven Star cigarettes from my purse.When he was about to use a match to light the fire for him, Tang Mu said that he didn't have to be so polite, and took the match to light the fire by himself.I handed over the cigarette, and he threw the match over. He acted very rudely, a very straightforward man.

The rally went on until it got dark.In the disturbed atmosphere, several armored vehicles of the mobile team were parked side by side in front of the main entrance. The students chanted slogans for officers, soldiers and military police to go back, and anti-war singing came and went. Tang Mu disappeared for a while in the blocked darkness, but he came back not long after and asked me if I would like to go out with him. "Where are you going with me?" He patted the back pocket of his jeans lightly and said, "I borrowed some money, where can I go and chat slowly?" "What? Go outside at this time?"

He laughed out loud. "We won't go to jail for striking classes" is tantamount to saying nothing. That night, we drank late at the dirty izakaya inside the station.That shop was one of those places where when sake was called, the old owner would pull out a dirty glass and fill it up with cheap sake. He didn't drink much, he was more interested in snacks, and he babbled obsessively about the revolution and why it got the school blocked.I can understand some places, but some places I can't understand at all.When I said that I, too, had participated in an anti-war demonstration, he started bragging about his heroism when he got caught in tear gas during the demonstration.

I asked several times, and he answered with enthusiasm and patience.During this period, he also praised me with the same enthusiasm, and he really couldn't believe that in such a pedantic school, there would be such kind words from an attractive girl like me. I also thought, this is the so-called protest mixed with romance.But not unpleasant.It wasn't just Tang Mu, college students of that era often used their mouths to curry favor with girls in the same way in front of girls.Originally, there was not much difference between the student movement and fishing for girls. After leaving the store, Tang Mu suddenly pulled me into the shadow of the telephone pole in the back alley where there were no pedestrians.He said it was incredible, I seem to like you.Not only did I not feel unhappy, but I was intoxicated.

After a while, he started calling me "Buzi".The two of them would go to the bathroom with their toiletries, and there were times when he went into the pharmacy to buy condoms, and I hid in a distant place, watching and waiting for him with a blank heart.Except that Tang Mu and his gang often came and went in and out of my residence, at that time, we were like a couple of lovers who were very ordinary in that era and in that town. Although Tang Mu thinks that any behavior with family warmth is meaningless and doesn't like it, but he is ignorant of the food I cook with my own hands.As soon as I started doing the laundry at the kitchen counter, he would hang the laundry by the window with a marriage in his mouth, and gossip about the family being the root of all evil.As soon as I pointed out his contradiction, he smiled embarrassedly like a child.I like that kind of taun wood very much.

So when Tang Mu was arrested, I was quite frightened.It was November 16, 1969. He went out to participate in a large-scale protest against Sato's visit to the United States and never returned. A male student who often followed Tang Mu in and out of my residence told me that he had an accident.I was tempted to see him when I heard he was injured, but was discouraged.The reason is that the arrested Tang Mu is using the right of silence. If a woman comes forward at this time, things will become difficult. I was told that he would be released after being locked up for four days and three nights at most, but I didn't expect that it was not bad at all.Tang Mu was released four days later. At first, I didn't know where to hide, but it didn't take long before I returned to my side. After the landlord of the apartment Tang Mu rented knew that he was an active member of the left, he asked him to move out immediately.Tang Mu said it was an unreasonable request and ignored it, but he found it more and more difficult to live in, so he moved some minimal supplies from the apartment and put them in my place.Before we knew it, we were living together. When he was arrested, his left foot was severely beaten by the mobile team. Because he didn't treat it properly, he walked with a limp.Maybe there was a crack in the bone and he had to be hospitalized, but he had a bad relationship with his parents when he entered school, and he didn't apply for a health insurance card, so I had to pick up slender wooden boards in the open space near the school to fix his feet.He was originally a man who didn't even frown when encountering ordinary difficulties, but he probably experienced a terrible night in the detention center!He changed, saying that he wanted to stay away from struggle activities for a while and think about it, and he didn't talk much.I haven't taken good care of my body for a long time, and it seems that my body has been damaged.Seeing him like that, I gradually feel ashamed that I can't do anything. At that time, among those who knew me, some thought that I was a member of the group that Tang Mu belonged to, but this was not the case.At best, I am nothing more than a lover of radicals, and to me the concept of revolution is nothing more than a game of words.Thinking about it now, whether it is a demonstration or a blockade or a rally, it seems like a celebration, just for a taste of anti-daily life. Therefore, I had no way to arm myself with theory, nor did I want to do so, nor did I have the courage to take the lead in dedicating myself to the ranks of demonstrations and being exposed to the artillery fire of the mobile team.But despite this, I like to be in the seemingly endless celebration, wandering in the celebration, and savoring the taste of the temple fair indiscriminately. For this reason, the existence of Tang wood is necessary.And Tang Mu needs me right now... Thinking about it this way, I was overwhelmed by a feeling of sadness and fullness for no reason. The living allowance I received from my parents in Sendai was not much, and it was not enough for the two of us. Besides, I helped Tang Mu and his buddies for a period of time, and I even used the tuition sent by my parents. Quickly find another way to fill it. Gotta make some money.And it is imminent. From the very beginning, I will follow up with whatever work I have.Selling canned food in the supermarket and children's toys in the park, these short-term jobs have really done a lot.But they all work for three days or a week, and they really can't make much money. Tang Mu was in a bad mood more and more often.I was also upset and irritable because of too many trivial things.In order to survive, there are too many things that have to be done.Perhaps because we are facing each other's ugly reality, we often fight over small things. Some people laughed at us as an old married couple.But we are just living together naturally due to the situation, of course there is no way to produce stability and love between husband and wife.What's more, we are all too young, but we just don't know what to do.The gap between reality and the ideal we fantasize in our heads makes us uncomfortable and interdependent.That's all. In early April 1970, I heard that an associate professor was secretly looking for students for odd jobs.The person who provided this information was a staff member of the student council at the same university as me. The employee's name was Harumi Itada, and I was from Sendai, and happened to be my high school senior.Harumi Itada came to greet me when I went to the student union to order books when I was a freshman. I knew from the chat that I was from my hometown, and the two have become very close ever since. Although Chunmei is not obese, she is a size bigger than me no matter how you look at it.The hair that falls along the thick neck evokes the association of "lion's head".I think she's about five years older than me.Her father, who ran a company in Sendai, was very generous. It seemed that they expected her to stay with her parents after she graduated from a Catholic women's short-term college in the countryside, doing an internship and waiting to be married.But her dream is to live alone in Tokyo, so she ran out of the house after a big fight with her parents, and went out alone to find a job to support herself.To me, she is the kind of woman who can be independent and have a lot of life. That day, Harumi Itada stopped me when I happened to pass in front of the student council.I chatted with her. When I said I wanted to find a better-paying job, "That's right." Chunmei clapped her hands together, "My younger brother is a student of S University. I heard that his teacher is looking for an excellent student to help. He Just came to me on the way home from the school dormitory yesterday, and heard him mention it. How about it, do you want to try it?" S University was one of the few universities without campus protests at that time. The students were all children from wealthy families, and the campus atmosphere was very friendly.Many students drive cars bought by their parents, and there are also many students who play tennis with girls every day and date, so it has a good reputation outside. "What kind of work is it?" I asked. "I don't know either. It's an associate professor in the Faculty of Arts, so maybe it's translation work? I think it must be." "If that's the case, your brother can do it too!" "My younger brother is busy working everywhere." Chunmei said, with a mischievous smile on her face. "First, my younger brother can't do it because the professor wants to find a girl. What's the reason? The teacher might have bad intentions. If that's the case, it might be better not to recommend it to you." "No." I said with a smile.The question is how much the salary has to do with the character of the employer.To some people, am I not one of those people who have low moral character and lead a ridiculous life? "Shall I inquire carefully?" Chunmei said so, and I simply nodded and said I'm sorry for the trouble.Having said that, I didn't have high expectations at all, because it's just an assistant's job, and the other party won't pay too much salary after all. But a few days later, when I walked around to the student union again, Chunmei grabbed me and shouted that there was good news. "I asked my brother to ask me about what I said last time. Guess what happened? I heard that I only need to work two days a week. Four or five hours a day, 7,500 yuan a month. My brother Listen, I changed my mind immediately, and even said that I want to follow up." The monthly rent for the apartment I lived in was 1600.In those days, no matter how good a part-time job was, the hourly wage was only fifteen or twenty yuan.Two days a week, and only four or five hours of work, you can get 7,500 yuan, which really seems like a fantasy.At that time, 7,500 was equivalent to a month's salary of a newly appointed teacher. "Haven't you decided who will do it yet?" "If the word spreads, there must be a bunch of people scrambling to get it. The one who arrives early wins. Hurry up and apply for it." I nod right away.But I was dubious at that time, because I felt that the associate professor had to seek help from students for his personal work, and there was no reason to seek help from students outside the school. In the early morning four days later, Harumi Itada called my landlord's house, and the landlord asked me to come out and answer the phone. "It seems to be a deal!" Chunmei said excitedly, "Anyway, let's meet first. There seems to be a banquet at the M Club in Sanda starting at eleven o'clock today. I don't know what kind of banquet it is, but anyway, the professor will go That’s it. He said that if possible, please find him there, and we will talk about the details there.” "Today? Just wait for Luo?" "Yes! Just today, don't you have time?" "No, it's not..." "As I thought, because the salary is so good, many girls are applying. You are ranked first, and you should be the most promising. Anyway, go and see first." "But why is it so easy to decide? And he's not a student of his own school, he hasn't seen me, right?" Chunmei laughed. "Anyway, I want my brother to assure him that the students in our school must be excellent. That's probably why." "I really have nothing to do with you. I don't know where I heard the lie." "What are you talking about, how can you not play tricks at this time." "It wouldn't be a hard job, would it? I wouldn't be able to handle it." "Don't worry." Chunmei said, "It must be a job that anyone can do. It's just a bluff to say that you can't handle it if you are not excellent. If it weren't for this, how could you make a decision so quickly without looking at the resume, right? Get ready to go right away!" "Okay." I responded.After confirming the address of the M club where the banquet was held, I hung up the phone. After hanging up the receiver, I suddenly realized that I hadn't asked the professor's name, and hurriedly called the student union to find Chunmei. Oh, really, Harumi smiled and said, "Yes, yes, it's called Katase. Katase Shintaro. Do you remember?" After humming, "Shintaro Katase." I muttered to myself. For fear of being impolite if I couldn't pronounce the name of my soon-to-be employer, I tried my best to recite his name.Thinking of myself at that time now, I just think it's funny enough.I never dreamed that the name Katase Shintaro and his wife's name Hinako would have such a profound impact on my life.Who would have thought that getting that name would change my life? The M Club in Sanda was the mansion of the big chaebol before the war. After the war, it became a high-end social place.Having said that, I haven't been there or seen pictures. What kind of building is it?Is it like a restaurant?Or the venue of a Japanese-style hotel?Totally clueless. Going back to the residence, I mentioned this to Tang Mu, "M Club?" He replied disdainfully, "It sounds like a place where rich people come and go. Why did the professor go to that place? What kind of banquet did he attend?" "have no idea." "It's just to explain the job content to the part-time students. Why do you have to go to such a luxurious and luxurious place? Is that person related to the royal family? Is it the one that blooms under the cherry tree?" A garden party? It's so ridiculous, I can't stand it." "Don't be angry. It's none of my business." "I'm not mad, I'm just freaked out that you're going to a club to get a job." "I can't help it! Bantian asked me to go there, and I'm also very troubled." "It's nothing to worry about. You asked her to find a job, so it doesn't matter if it's a garden party or anywhere, as long as you go to Luo." "If you're not happy, I don't have to go." "Don't be kidding." He put on a mocking smile, "I won't interfere in your affairs, you decide your own problems." "But if I work, our life will be more comfortable. It can't be said that it has nothing to do with you." "I don't remember asking you to find a job." Tang Mu replied coldly, "It's about work and money, you are the one who is making trouble, not me." At that time, we had to go to the bathhouse only twice a week, and when our hair was uncomfortably dirty, we had to use the apartment's faucet to freshen up.The meager salary I earn from odd jobs must be spent on buying books, cigarettes, and watching movies right away, and I won’t get the pocket money sent by my parents before the end of the month, so life always becomes a problem once the 20th is over. .I once had the experience of sprinkling seaweed on rice for three consecutive days to survive. The thought of "It's all because of Tang Mu that he lived such a tight life" began to sprout in his heart.He never once talked to me or told me what he thought about living off my pocket money and the salary I earned. Although I understand that his legs are not showing signs of recovery and his body is weak, but just using the self-righteous word like gay to think that everything can be forgiven makes me feel uncomfortable.He is not my comrade, but my burden. I don't care about raising the man I like, as long as I still need Tang Mu, I'm happy to provide him with warm blankets and food.But it's a different story when your wounded pride is awakened and you're told, "I don't remember telling you to get a job."No matter how you think about it, his way of speaking is really unjustifiable. "If you don't think it's necessary to work, that's okay." I said unhappy, "I just don't go." "Don't you understand what I'm saying? You can't say it. I didn't stop you. I just said, that's your problem." "Anyway, I have to go first. I have already talked to someone. After I go, I will find a reason to push it away, and then go to Bantian to apologize. So you are satisfied." Tang Mu's eyes rolled over: "This is not like what you can say." "That's right." I said coldly, "I feel the same way. Like a housewife in a feudal family, she always depends on your face. Although it is not necessary at all. If you think you can do something, as long as you say it If you complain, give up immediately. What am I? Is it your mother who is at your beck and call, or is it just a roommate? If it is a roommate, I think I am too dedicated." I also feel that I have said too much, but It's too late. Tang Mu didn't say a word, then suddenly stood up from the electric heating table, and took off the faded light blue shirt hanging on the beam. "If you think I'm an eyesore, just say it clearly. I'll leave right away." "What are you doing? I don't mean that." "I know what you want to say. You are wrong. I am indeed just a diner in this house. I am a useless guy who eats soft food after spending all the money sent by your family and escaping reality with boring struggles." Tang Mu's face was livid, but his tone was calm.As soon as I stood up, Tang Mu dragged his legs over to stop me. "Enough," he said, his voice low and lonely, "You have done nothing wrong, the problem is with me." "So don't run away." "I didn't escape." "Don't I want to leave? Where? If you have any questions, just tell me here." He glanced over: "I want to think about it, I hope you understand." I felt the air around me condense.I murmured "You're just thinking" and realized the gravity of what I was about to say.I remember feeling dizzy for a moment, "I think first, then draw conclusions, then take action, and then fall into thinking again. Keep repeating like this, and you are already in a bottomless pit from which you cannot extricate yourself." The expression on his face didn't change at all.He walked out of the room without saying a word.I just knelt on the bed and watched his back disappear outside the door.When he was going down the stairs, he heard rough and irregular footsteps. There is a small factory across from my apartment.I hurried to the window and peeked down, and saw the hunchbacked Taun, fading away on the road in front of the factory.It was a warm day, but for some reason the figure in the light blue sweatshirt looked cold.In the warm sun, only there seemed to be freezing. I got into the electric heating table and couldn't move for a while.Repeatedly recalling the conversation with Tang Mu in his mind, chewing on what he said, feeling strong regret.I was thinking desperately, what should I do next?But no matter how you think about it, there is no answer. The agreed eleven o'clock is coming soon, and I can't miss the appointment with Itada Miko who is running for me.I put on a blue sweater over my jeans, and went out with my usual clothes, without combing my hair or putting on lipstick. Tears flowed involuntarily in the tram to Santuan.I am very afraid of losing Tang Mu.I thought, I'm all alone again.I wake up in that room alone, go to class alone, and listen to speeches every day in a crowd of students in a daze, or get asked questions about what I think about the Vietnam War, or be persuaded to participate in a protest against rising tuition fees school demonstrations.I can't figure out what I'm thinking, but I'm caught in the vortex of the students' topics without knowing it, and I live in ignorance. That era is like a picture of disorder, swallowed by the air of that era, and what I think about is how to dispel loneliness tonight.Just thinking about these beautiful things.But even so, I am ashamed to speak to others, and I have no way to actively make friends. It is so directionless and purposeless that I can't even think of a way to fill my loneliness.Thinking of this kind of day coming again, I feel extremely lonely and want to cry out. This can be said to be something later.One day I told Shintaro what happened before I went to the club, and Shintaro said, "It's really like something Kobu would do," with a mischievous smile on his face. "Xiao Bu, even if the other party is a prisoner, he will take care of him honestly and according to his own feelings. In a way, he has no moral values. But in other words, the man you love is very happy, and the man you hate Men are very pitiful. Once the relationship cools down, you will become very ruthless." I didn't expect that I, who was described like this, would become a criminal one day.I calmly accept Shintaro's analysis.As Shintaro said, I was originally a person who completely ignored the moral norms of the world, and I just faced myself honestly.A cruel, childlike little girl. As if to prove the point, the moment I met Shintaro Katase for the first time at the club, I left Karaki behind.When you are about to step into the world that you have never touched, most people will probably feel fear and cling to the original world.When I first met Katase and started working for him, for a while I secretly looked down on the world of Shintaro and Hinako.Although he laughed at them, he didn't really despise their behavior from the bottom of his heart.In fact, more than that, I felt that I was going to be sucked into their world whether I wanted to or not.I also remember the horrible feeling of not knowing if I could get out once I got in. Because of this, I can only keep a certain distance from them and continue to laugh at them behind their backs. Am I caught in the net of their unconsciousness?Or was it that I was fascinated by the world they lived in from the beginning, and because of meeting them, I was finally able to liberate my suppressed self? Which one is true, even now I still don't have an answer.