Chapter 25 Chapter Twenty-Five

Now, in the short time left, on the night after they left, McLeod came to my room and talked for a few hours.Like a man with a mortal disease, he is steeped in the fear of death, which he must continue to unearth.He would come to my room in the middle of the night and pour out floods of crimes he had committed, and he must have swore when I couldn't hear him.The night air is stagnant in the attic, insects are frantically bumping against the wall, looking for the window they flew in, those place names I have never heard of and the names of people who are almost indistinguishable form a storm of scandal and defense Haunted in the back of my mind.He tortured himself, digging deeper and deeper into motives and traps, until he found a chain of reasons for what he did that was more terrifying than he had ever imagined.When he finally satisfies himself rather than me, exposing the last sore pectin, he ends the dissection and moves on to another.Finally, I could switch from the torment of such confusion to the original perception.He stopped me just before I was about to succeed, and he started arguing for desires that were almost impossible to support at the time.Still, he admits to all the treachery...he's made the effort, he's tried...he's even...so, the whole of one night and most of the other I've been listening He said, I don't know what to say.While he talked nonstop, half against himself and half against me, combined with accusation and defense, moralists and criminals were brought into the dock to argue with each other, even I, the judge, could not He will be acquitted of charges brought against him to guillotine himself.

"Of course, you're aware of that," he continued, "but the whole time I was looking at you, you had a look on your face, a look of disbelief. You can't accept McLeod with this body and this face You still can't quite accept the fact that you've done these wrong things and I can feel you've been waiting for me to deny it. There's a magic word for you that I just have to say and write .I can show you some dates and facts when Leroy puts it in his humor to prove that I'm not that balkan gentleman but what good is that? Because you see the fact that Lero Leroy and I have a deep bond you would even say me and Leroy resonate with each other you and that girl are there and who knows what she's going to rave about and then he has something that can't be ignored Ability to work--whether it was an insight of the organization or a coincidence, I must say, from their point of view, there was no one who could have been more suitable, because I can assure you that throughout the process , all my claims, fabricated, imaginary stories have happened off the coast of the Mediterranean Sea, there is no legal fact or anything like that in the world, because this one crime would be another if it wasn't for me, you must Noticing his evilness and cleverness, I'm sure it's unconscious because his instincts are perfect. He knows how I'd react if I listed specific incidents, I've covered it up for myself for so many years, ah, I know myself well Doing something, but there are still people and things that linger in the memory, everything seems to come alive, naturally, it always ends with silence and speechlessness in the end. If you continue to talk, you are undoubtedly slapping yourself slap. Both parts of my brain stayed awake the whole time, it's true, and there's so much respect for his aesthetic performance, so you can see that whatever torture I'm suffering pretends to be moved, even right here I also find basic happiness when I'm not being tortured, I'm just trying to endure the torture in pain, which is my means of revenge for cruelty."

He stopped talking, but the silence was only superficial, as he smoked continuously and continued to walk up and down until the last cigarette slowly shortened in his mouth, leaving a trail of ash behind him.The words he said undoubtedly continued in his head, bumping, murmuring, simmering, until the pot began to gurgle, and the force of the silent monologue on his lips was transformed into the silent words he had already spoken. Because there is no need to speak up anymore. "However, I ask myself if your trust in me is not all a fraud, and does it mean that I have changed over the years to give the impression of integrity and recognition of my ability to think theoretically, because You have become a part of my thinking. It may be that my potential as a revolutionary has not completely disappeared. As long as I get rid of the countless crimes I have committed, I still have hope. Instead of moving with a half-limping foot? But, no!"—he beat one hand hard with the other—"that's plausible, I believe scraping from the last rotting bone Meat, if you find the ends of the earth, you will also find me, and even use all your pitiful misery to support my belief."

He went on and on, talking about every last night in bed.His thoughts are confused, his emotions are anxious, and he is fascinated. Everything in the dark is full of meaning, until a chair walks into his childhood.Gina Wei was lying beside him.This warm and relaxed body in deep sleep has transformed into all the women he knows, but there is no beauty.Whatever joy he had had was gone now.He penetrated deeply and violently, sweating profusely, but didn't enjoy it until his wife's flesh swelled and quivered, like a carnivore finally eating its prey and he reaping his crop. "He said I was the only one going back to the theory, he said in a serious tone because he'd seen the data and that was enough for him and that was the key he needed. But you know What does it mean to go back to theory? It's the only achievement in my life, yes." He said, "If you think about it, you have to reconstruct the imagination, don't forget that you are studying the land on the other side of the ocean. , in the end you will understand the uninterrupted cruel historical mission and the imperfect people you will replace. Can tell you that you watch with melancholic and sweet satisfaction that people around you are working on something special and painful because it's a test for you and you don't have a choice. It's hard, So we make it tougher, burn liquids and syrups, make yourself more ruthless, because reality has to be like that, and everything has to be." He paused in the middle of the house, mouth pouted looked at me expectantly.If he had a glass of water in his hand, he drank it in one gulp. "It's just the beginning, because before long you'll find out that everything is going to give up your heart's joy for you, and you'll be burning, burning for the next generation, so you can only drive yourself to do it all. You lame Thief of legs," he shouted into my deadpan face, "why do we stay in a reactionary situation for so long and provide aid to the counterrevolution? You don't have a life, so you don't know the meaning of denying the life you already have What does it mean. If you've been wrong, mark it now, if you've been wrong, what does ten million graves matter? So you take responsibility, take all responsibility, you understand? All your Behavior only ensures you go further in your political position, or what I call a fallback. If you're wrong, it's just a nightmare, because you'll see it turn out from the inside out. In the end , the only exemption is to do more of the same so you can convert to religion and climb the ladder of salvation from your sins. Of all the action, if you dare lie awake and stay awake, you will awaken All the old tools of surplus value, capital accumulation and class oppression, or you dare to bite a tooth in the meat that is given to you, there is no private ownership...so...so, I exist, therefore I am me, so there must be Socialism, except you hear the most outlandish things, I put it on a piece of paper again, a perfectly ridiculous comment, 'The historical role of the Soviet government was to destroy the rational content of Marxism,' except the lower Society started to arise inside of me, how do I call out those who run away? Running away is not like death, being able to escape exploitation, because there is another exploitation waiting for them. Alas, none of this comes back to Leroy can use paper Theories pointed out by those numbers, their heads stuffed with stinking factology and commissioned tools and your classifications, what else can they do but do all the instructions on a rotting ship? They say Helmsman himself, so to them it was just another foul-smelling bark. The ancient system of exploitation was being worked on in new ways, and a great deal of the ancient system of exploitation was placating them with a standard of living full of lies, and they How can one forget that it exists at the cost of misery and countless shells in other parts of the world?"

His abuse can only last so long before he returns to himself. "Yet...yet what did I do myself? Did I fade out of sight, with a glaring gap, did I have to play this comedy down to the last unpleasant detail? Ah, I was forced to work for others, and they allowed I'm staying here in return for my services and it's nothing more than a scam. For a while at the beginning of the month you might say I'm eager because I want to reverse things I've done but only manage to doubt them, Because at that time I was dominated by hatred, I hated the party and hated the years I wasted. In such a situation, you can imagine how much effort it took to see myself for a second time and prepare for a theoretical retreat. But no matter How, by making it almost impossible for a human being to continue to live, by transplanting that little object into my body, so that I am now hunted by two people instead of one, so that I have to believe that any return becomes impossible I was married when I reached the peak of isolation, I was dead, my bones were petrified, and I had never been with her in the daytime, so I must ask her to get me out, so, must adopt That admirable line I took from bureaucrat to ideologue. However, I am isolated and haughty because I hate Leroy for making me a blot on paper, which is different from what I have endured The other stuff I find unbearable is different. I tell myself he has a cop mind, all he understands is murder, and what's up with the surrender he approves of? If I'd thought about it before, these were Now the source of my torment. Every time I open my mouth it is sullen, hysterical, or elated, depending on the circumstances. I will give up all that is vile, counter-revolutionary, depraved, vile, and unreasonable Oppose, step by step to fulfill the promise. As a revolutionist I betrayed myself, I committed a crime, and the rest is just waiting for the trial. The outcome of the trial can only conclude that Leroy is right, and I am just Just a cipher on paper. Justice is justice, and only fools think it's a good thing."

"Because I tell you"—and now that his engine was running unchecked, he seized me by the arm and turned me hard into his eyes—"I hadn't had time to lament that I Bad luck, when I think of the other guy with the ax mark under his gray hair, your friend Miss Mathieson who will never survive that moment, that wasn't me personally, oh, I don't have clotted blood on my hands, I'm just a cog in that organization responsible for passports. I can already feel that something is going to happen, but you see I haven't done anything - just been doing the whole operation A tiny fraction. I was still working on it at the peak of the crisis because that was the time the treaty was signed and I no longer believed in the eternal and objective minute of my life.” He was already muttering, “ I've noticed the details, but I still don't know what it does, I just know that he's in Mexico, and I'm reading his books behind a fortified door in the darkness of mysteries."

"I know," he exclaimed suddenly, "I know, it's a crime, I don't believe it anymore, so I go forward, and you see I murdered him. Why did I do it? Out of fear, I could kill him Is it due to extenuating circumstances? I can argue that it was out of fear of attacking anyone and that I was a coward - a word so harsh that I would probably be pardoned for a drop of mercy. No, not at all , because I wasn't scared at all then. I'm going to die like salt over many years, my system is full of it, and I expect it myself. No, I let him die because I hate He, I hate him for his theoretical ideas about a depraved workers state, he is still closer to the truth than I am, my life is a lie and his ideas are unacceptable because he has revived our tumors And the knack of continuing to breed. I spent a lot of work to regain the guilt, only he was there, only he was, you understand? I hate him, I want him dead, as if that would prove him wrong. After all these are satisfied, I want to quit and prepare to explode."

The pursuit is always one after another. If he hurts himself, it will be my turn next. "When I've been through all of this, what I've done and the years I've spent in that room across the way, you can see what's tormenting me. I've been tormented by a lot of things, One of the biggest hurdles is that I'm against doing this little theoretical work myself because I'm lonely and how many times I think differently over time. Because that's another part of the con, if you choose To start, you end up with a full office, not so easy to say quit. If you want to gain the bourgeois self-esteem that applies to your office, I want to tell you, this respect is deep enough that now It afflicts me that I am bound hand and foot to write a book, and the prosecution I face is a child, the youngest of them all, which may be promising, but they need more dignity than I do. You See, all the little things get mixed in, and you see how I complain, and if I'm being honest, there's a word or two I could say about you. What part you have in it, you have no clue and I put You as the penitent godfathers burn their black robes at the stake, and my own misery. If I were to seek the clergy, you might suggest that the cardinal's means in such matters are sufficient to satisfy my Asked, even a priest in a white and yellow cassock. But what have I got? A poor friar with such a drab spirit as yourself, you won't understand, a castrated man, a man from a lowly monastery with a sack on his robe. Poor little monk full of patches, nothing left for you, so you're just surviving on leftovers from other people's tables."

Surely he could be anyone by now, sword bearer, warrior, or doctor.As soon as he opens my wound it must be plastered. "The sign of your irreparable corruption is," he cried out, "that I turned against you when you became the first friendship to offer me in so many years that I didn't quite fit. On the bridge, how excited I was when I heard your very precise talk about making me realize that this is the socialist culture of the younger generation, that if my time is over there will be another, a new generation Will be filled with new passions, and I'm suffering for it pretending to be someone else. But I can't tell you that night, I can't say it before I don't know how much Leroy knows, if I stand next to you You complain because you raised my expectations, and now I realize your abilities are worthless, like everyone else, you will be desperately waiting for rescue in the flood. If I find it unbearable, it is the source to my own desire. After all, what is it that makes me scurry across the halls to please you with my voice. And when I do, the answer is simple, and I ask..." He paused here Come down, and then stand there looking at me blankly.

"Rowett," he said, "why shouldn't I save myself?" Longing for no answer, I haven't answered yet and he continued: "The more I think about it, the more I admire Leroy's skills. I think he is a perfect policeman, because there is not enough evidence here. To put a man in jail, you have to go to his stomach first. Like normal people have anxiety, I resist his intentions, but I can't escape. I am tortured by this thought. It is a very simple thought. .Why, why am I resisting? For what purpose? If you pay attention, I am left speechless by serious contradictions. If it is possible, all the past is taken into account, go like a man To do my duty, to create a work that satisfies my moral taste, to contribute wisdom to future revolutionary theory, and to resist it. But I did not do it, I am a dead man. But if I throw in the towel again, at most I become Just one of hundreds of succumbed little bugs. And then, oh, then I worked my ass out and got on with my greed. It was hard to figure out what I could get for my pain, or that getting out was better than dying Okay. So, you see, to live is to die, and I die and I rise again. I prefer the second, and still have a corner for myself, he always let me follow his steps, I confess with blood, I want to tell He, you don't know how relieved I was when I told him I had that little thing, because it gave me a further acknowledgment that it belonged to him, and I had to tell you until I faced Hollingsworth's greed At the time, I was exhausted and had no political weapons for me. But I wondered if I really didn't, if I really wanted to fight him to the end. For what?"

He paused for breath, then continued. "You see, there are certain things that I keep broaching because I got married for many reasons, few of which were good. Now that I can feel the greatest love from my wife, I look forward to receiving I stayed in the corner in the years that came down. But the reality surprised me. I was like a young man suffering from love. I used a whole mountain of hints in exchange for two happy words between us. She Had to love me, because if she loved, she could get what she wanted, and she and I would disappear again. You see, Lovett, the question, "—he grabbed my wrist—" It’s that I can’t get closer to Gina Wei’s thoughts, I feel like everything is glued to me, I’m completely drifting, I can’t distinguish up and down, and I can’t distinguish left and right, but at the same time I’m eager to know the truth of the matter, and this only Will make more of all the pieces I have, I want you to come to me, tomorrow or the day after, don't be too long, you just listen to me talk to her, I want to draw conclusions from you Let's see if there is still hope." "How can I judge..." I began to protest. "Well, come or not?" Then he put his hand in the air and announced, "I can't give up, I can't give up again. No, don't argue," he said numbly, "You have to come, because you may be the last viewers, it's time to end. What will I do?" Instead of walking back and forth, he sat in a chair for more than an hour for the first time.There he was staring at me, trying to make sure once more that I could help him.If so, there is no hope of easing, but walking down the alley of despair.