Chapter 20 Chapter Nineteen

Bertha's health was getting better and better, and the indifference with which she had looked at the world of the previous weeks had vanished; it had come about from extreme heart failure, the same benevolent indifference to all worldly sympathy, only the latter had opened the way into the unknown. last journey.Physical enfeeblement leads to an equal degree of mental enfeeblement, which frees all worldly bondage.If a person does not understand this, the sight of death is unbearable.Like a traveler who, when he has to leave the double gates of his hotel, his usual favorite wine loses its flavor, and his bread chews like wax in his mouth.Like a flashy oddity, Bertha lost her interest in life for a while, and her soul was dying.Her spirit was like a burning candle in a lantern, swaying in the wind, the flame looming, the lantern became dispensable, but the wind of death soon stopped, and the candlelight shone again, dispelling the darkness.

With the recovery of physical strength, the passion of the past returned to her.Love was like a conqueror coming back, and Bertha knew she was still with life.In times of solitude she had longed for Edward's affection; now that he was all she had, she opened her arms to him with great fervor.She blamed herself severely for her indifference in the past, thinking that Edward might be sad because of this, she couldn't hold back her tears.She felt ashamed that her faith in love had been destroyed forever.But something has changed in her. The once blind love for her husband now has a new feeling. She poured out infinite tenderness for the dead child, plus the expectation that cannot be fulfilled temporarily, and cannot be satisfied until death, all are now transferred. On to Edward.Her heart was like a house, empty inside, and the flame of love burned wantonly inside.

Bertha felt a little uneasy at the thought of Miss Glover, but shrugged her shoulders and forgot.The good lady maintained her obstinacy, and never came near Ley's again, nor was there any news of her for three days. Bertha said to herself, "What does it matter? As long as Eddie loves me, all else matters." But her bedroom was now like a corner of a prison, and she felt that she could no longer bear its dreadful monotony.Her bed was a torture tool, and she felt that if she continued to lie here, it would be absolutely impossible to recover.She begged Dr. Ramsay to allow her to rise, but was invariably refused; and such refusal was supported by Edward, who also regarded it as common sense.Her only victory was the dismissal of the nurse—for whom Bertha suddenly felt a violent dislike.For no apparent reason, Bertha felt ill at the sight of the poor woman, who was so fond of chattering about her parents without restraint.Since she must remain in bed, Bertha preferred utter solitude.This shift in thinking almost made her cynical.

The day seemed endless, and Bertha leaned back on her pillow and could see only the sky.It was a metallic blue now, with harsh white clouds drifting heavily across the field of vision.After a while, the sky turned gray and the room darkened with it; all she could see was furniture and wallpaper, and it didn't help her nausea.Every detail is like the traces left by the potter on the clay, imprinted indelibly on her heart. Finally, she decided to get up no matter what.It was the first weekend after her quarrel with Miss Glover, and Edward was not going out, and was bound to spend most of his time in the bedroom, but she knew he didn't like to sit there.The cramped space, the smell of medicines and perfumes give him headaches.It would be a surprise if she suddenly appeared in the living room.Instead of telling him she was getting up, she slipped quietly downstairs.She got up and got out of bed, but just as her feet hit the ground she had to hold on to the chair to get her footing.Her legs were weak, she could barely support her body, and her head was dizzy.But after a while she regained her strength, and began to dress, with slow and difficult movements; her weakness was so painful that she had to sit down.Her hair was unkempt and unmanageable, and she feared she would be forced to give up and go back to bed.But thinking of Edward's surprised expression, she persisted.He had said how happy it would be to have her company downstairs.Finally, she was dressed and walked to the door, holding on to anything she could get her hands on, and moving slowly.What a joy it was to be on her feet again, out of her grave-like bed, and feel herself back to life again!

She walked to the landing and walked down the stairs, clinging to the handrail.She only takes one step at a time, like a child, she finds it funny.But the laughter soon turned to moaning.Exhausted by the few steps, she slumped on the stairs, feeling impossible to go down.Later, Edward in her mind inspired her again.She struggled to stand up, moved tenaciously, and finally moved downstairs.Now, standing outside the living room, she heard Edward whistling inside.She walked forward quietly, trying not to make any noise, then turned the doorknob softly, and the door opened suddenly. "Eddie!"

He turned around and exclaimed, "Oh, why did you get down?" He ran over to support her, but his face didn't have the ecstasy she expected. "I wanted to surprise you. Aren't you happy to see me?" "Happy, of course. But you shouldn't come out without Dr. Ramsay's permission. I didn't expect you to be up today." He helped her to the sofa and made her lie down. "I thought you'd be very happy." "Of course I am very happy!" He put a pillow on her and covered her with a blanket. "You don't know how hard it took me to get down. At first I thought I couldn't dress well anyway, and then I almost rolled down the stairs. I was too weak. But I know, you must feel lonely here alone , and you hate sitting in the bedroom."

He looked at his watch and replied softly: "You shouldn't take this risk, you may have to stay in bed for a while. You can only lie here for half an hour, and then I will carry you upstairs." Bertha smiled, not intending to accept such an arrangement.It was so comfortable lying on the sofa with Edward by my side.She takes his hand. "I just couldn't stay in the bedroom any longer. The rain was beating on the windows all the time and it was suffocating." It is early autumn now, and the rain has been continuous, and it seems that there will be no days to stop.There was an air of melancholy in the air, as if Nature sensed the approaching decline.

"I was about to go upstairs to accompany you after smoking." Bertha, exhausted with strength, made no answer, but pressed Edward's hand to express her affection.As long as she is with him, she feels very fulfilled and happy.Soon Edward held out his hand again to check the time. "Your half hour is almost up, and I will take you back to your room in five minutes." Bertha took his remark for humor, and answered mischievously, "Oh, no. I shall stay till supper-time." "Oh, don't do it. It won't do you any good. Come on, baby, go back to bed."

"Okay, let's take a step back from each other, and I'll go up after tea." "No, you must go back now." "Why, as if you were trying to get rid of me." "I'm going out for a while." "Oh, no, you don't have to go out. You're just trying to trick me into going upstairs, you little cunning!" "Come on, I'll carry you up now, be obedient." "I don't want it, I don't want it, I don't want it!" "Then I must leave you here alone, Bertha. I didn't know you were going to get up today, so I made an appointment."

"Oh, this is the first time I've gotten up, and you can't leave me. What date? You can send a message to cancel it." "I'm very sorry, but I'm afraid I can't cancel the appointment. The truth is, after church I met the two Miss Hancocks who said I had to walk to Canbury this afternoon, and I saw it was wet, so I volunteered Said to drive them there. I promised to pick them up at three o'clock." "You're kidding." Her eyes suddenly lost their luster and she felt out of breath.Edward looked at her uneasily. "I didn't know you were going to get up, otherwise I wouldn't arrange to go out."

Bertha suppressed her anger and said, "Oh, that's all right, just write a note saying you can't go there." Edward replied solemnly: "I'm afraid it can't be done. I made a promise and I can't break it." She exploded: "Oh? This is outrageous. You can't be so cruel and leave me alone at a time like this. I've suffered so much, shouldn't you care about me? For weeks, I've been Wandering at death's door, and finally when I finally got a little better and came downstairs to surprise you, you made an appointment with the Miss Hancocks to go to Turcanbury!" Edward was not accustomed to indulge his wife's wild words, but condescended to persuade him at this time: "Well, Bertha, be reasonable. You understand, it's not my fault. I said I'm sorry, isn't it enough? I alone Be back in an hour. You stay here, and we'll spend the evening together." "Why did you lie to me?" Edward said, with unaffected satisfaction, "I don't, I don't have this bad habit." "You pretended to carry me upstairs for my health, isn't that a lie?" "It's really for your health." "You're lying again. You just want to get rid of me so you can go to Miss Hancock without me." "You know me, I wouldn't think like that." "Then why do you have to wait until you can't escape? Why didn't you mention it before?" Edward shrugged helplessly: "Because I know how sensitive you are." "Then you still propose to send them." "I made that suggestion almost without thinking. They complained about the bad weather and I blurted out 'I can drive you there if you want' and they jumped for joy." "As long as things have nothing to do with your wife, you are always so kind." "Well, honey, I can't argue with you anymore, I'm going to be late." "Are you really going?" Bertha could not believe that Edward was so persistent. "Honey, I have to go, it's my duty." "You're most responsible to me. Oh, Eddie, don't go. You don't understand what all this means to me." "I must go, but not because I want to. I'll be back in an hour." He bent down and kissed her, and she threw her arms around his neck, tears streaming down her face. "Oh, please don't go—if you really love me, if you've always loved me. Don't you see that? You're destroying my love for you." "Oh, don't be stupid, be good." He let go of her hands and walked away.But Bertha got up suddenly from the sofa, ran after him and grabbed his arm, begging him to stay. "Look how unlucky I am, and now you're the only one in the world. For God's sake, stay, Eddie. It means more to me than you can imagine." She fell limply to the floor, but still didn't let go.She knelt before him. "Get up and get on the couch, it's not good for you." He carried her to the sofa, and hurried away to end the scene. Bertha still wanted to catch up, but as the door slammed, her body collapsed on the sofa.She covered her face with her hands and began to sob endlessly.The humiliation and anger almost made her feel no sadness.She knelt down in front of her husband just now and begged him to agree to a small matter, but he actually refused. She suddenly hated him. Love used to be a tower made of copper, but now it collapsed like a house made of paper.With so many flaws in front of her eyes, she has been covering them up to deceive herself, but now she doesn't want to do such a stupid thing anymore.He only cares about himself: he is not even selfish, selfish, selfish.The frenzy of passion that had clothed this love object in all its finery was now stripped away, and she found herself painfully enamored of it.Now she saw his naked image, he couldn't be more selfish.But most unbearable was her own utter humiliation. The torrential rain poured down without end.The despair of nature ate away at her heart.Finally, she exhausted all her strength, lost the concept of time, and lay there in a daze, feeling no pain, and her mind was blank.When a servant came in to tell Miss Glover if she would like to receive a visit, she didn't understand it for a moment. Forgetting the twists and turns of last week, she said irritably, "Miss Glover doesn't usually pay attention to these red tapes. Please come in." When the pastor's sister came to the door, she hesitated again, her face was flushed, and her eyes were filled with fear and pain. "Bertha, may I come in?" "Can." She walked directly to the sofa and knelt down suddenly. "Oh, Bertha, please forgive me. I was wrong, and I was too mean to you." Bertha's smile broke through the gloom, and she whispered: "Oh, my dear Fanny." "Bertha, I take back the harsh words I have spoken to you. I do not understand now how I said them. I humbly beg your pardon." "There's nothing to forgive." "Oh, no, there are. God, I know there are! Since the last time I parted, I have had my conscience condemned, but I refuse to listen to them with all my heart." Poor Miss Glover could not be cruel, however hard she tried. "I know, I should come to see you and ask for your forgiveness, but I just don't want to. I hardly sleep at night, I am afraid of death, if I die with evil, then I will never be able to be redeemed." She speaks quickly and finds it comforting to talk. "I thought Charles was going to scold me, but he didn't say a word. Oh, I'd rather he scold me, than look at his sad face. I know he's been worried about me, and I feel deeply about it I blame myself. I keep saying that I did my duty, but I know in my heart that I have done wrong. Oh, Bertha, I dare not take communion this morning, and I feel I will be punished by God for my blasphemy. Also, I was worried that Charles would refuse me to worship in front of the whole congregation. For the first time since my confirmation, I have not taken communion." She couldn't help covering her face as she spoke, tears streaming down her face.Bertha listened listlessly, the frustration just now had been occupying her whole mind, and she could not be distracted from thinking about other things.Miss Glover looked up, tear-stained, flushed cheeks.This appearance makes people disgusted, but it also makes people feel pity. "Then I couldn't bear it any longer. I felt that if I could get your forgiveness, I might be able to forgive myself. Oh, Bertha, please forget what I said to you, and forgive me. I thought Edward would be home today, I'm embarrassed to think he sees me like this. But I know the humiliation does me good. Oh, I couldn't help but thank God when Jane told me he was out. What would I have to do to make you forgive me?" Deep down, Miss Glover longed for some horrible austerity, total abstinence. Bertha smiled wearily: "I have forgotten all about it. If my forgiveness can do anything for you, then I forgive you completely." Miss Glover was stabbed by Bertha's apparent indifference, but she took it as a fair punishment. "Bertha, please listen to me. I love you, and I admire you more than anyone but Charles. If you still stand by what you said that day, I still love you, and I hope God will change your mind. Charles and I Will be praying for you every day that Almighty God will soon give you another child to replace the one you lost. Believe me, God is merciful and will do as you wish." Bertha sighed softly. "I shall never have any more children. Dr. Ramsay told me." "Oh, Bertha, I don't know." Miss Glover embraced Bertha lovingly, and the tears kept streaming down her cheeks.She seemed to be holding a child and kissed her tenderly. But Bertha's tears were dry. "Fanny, please leave me alone. I would rather. Come and see me in a few days, and please forgive me if I have offended you unintentionally. I am very unhappy, and shall never be happy again." A few minutes later, Edward returned.He was in high spirits, ruddy and in high spirits. He yelled, "Look, we're together again. I wasn't there long, you just missed me for a little while. Now, let's have tea." He kissed her and straightened her cushions. "Gosh, it's great to see you downstairs again. You gotta get me a cup of tea. Now, admit it, were you being vexatious when you made a fuss about me going out? I can't stop, can I? ?”