Chapter 14 Chapter 2 How to Avoid Making Enemies

When Roosevelt was in the White House, he admitted that if he was right seventy-five percent of the time every day, that was as high as he could be. If this is the highest standard desired by one of the most recognizable men of the twentieth century, what about you and me? If you can be sure that you're right 55 percent of the time, you can go to Wall Street, make millions a day, buy a yacht, marry a dancing girl.If you can't be sure that you are right 55 percent of the time, why should you accuse others of their mistakes? You can tell a man he's wrong with your look, your tone of voice, or your gestures just as effectively as we can with words...and if you tell him he's wrong, do you think he'll appreciate you?No, never!Because you directly attack his intelligence, judgment, self-confidence, and self-esteem, not only will he not change his will, but he also wants to fight back against you.If you use the logic of Plato and Kant to reason with him, he will still not change his will, because you have hurt his self-esteem.

You must never say: "You don't admit that you are wrong, I will show you the proof." Your words are equivalent to saying: "I am smarter than you, and I will use facts to correct your mistakes." It is a challenge that will arouse the other party's disgust. You don't need to wait for you to speak again, he is ready to accept your challenge. Even if you use the mildest terms, it is extremely difficult to change the will of others, let alone in such an uncomfortable situation. Otherwise, why don't you stop yourself? If you want to correct someone's mistakes, you should not tell him directly; but use a very subtle method so as not to offend the other party.

As Sir Keith said to his son: "We are smarter than others, but you can't tell him that you are smarter than him." People's ideas are changing at any time. What I thought was right twenty years ago seems to be wrong now.Even when I was studying Einstein's theory, I started to be skeptical.In another twenty years, I may not believe what I have written in this book.Now I'm not as sure about anything as I used to be.Socrates said to his disciples many times: "I know only one thing, and that is that I know nothing." I don't want to be smarter than Socrates, so I avoid telling people he's wrong.At the same time, I also felt that it was really good for me.

If someone says something that you think is wrong, you know he is wrong.It would be better to say it in the following tone: "Well, let's talk about it... But I have another opinion; of course it may be wrong, because I often get things wrong too, and if I Wrong, I'd like to correct it... Now let's see what's going on?" People all over the world will never blame you for saying something like this: "Maybe it's wrong, let's see what it is!" This is true even for scientists... Once, I went to visit Stevenson. He is not only a scientist, but also an explorer. He lived around the Arctic Circle for eleven years.For six years of their lives, they did not eat anything other than water and meat.He told me he was running an experiment!I asked him what kind of verification was the experiment?His answer is something I will never forget.He said: "A scientist never dares to prove something. I just try to find the facts."

You want your mind to be scientific, don't you?Yes, no one can stop you except yourself. If you admit to yourself that you can be wrong at any time, you can avoid all trouble and debate with anyone.And another's influence by you will make him admit his own inevitable mistakes. If you know that someone has really made a mistake, and you tell him bluntly and accuse him, do you know what the consequences will be?Let me cite such a special example: Mr. S is a young lawyer in New York. He recently defended an important case in the U.S. Supreme Court. This case involved a huge amount of money and an important legal issue. .

During the defense process, a judge said to Mr. S: "The appeal period in the Navy Law is six years, isn't it?" Mr. S was silent for a moment, stared at the judge for a moment, and then said, "Your Majesty, there is no such restriction in the Navy Law." In the workshop, Mr. S described the situation at that time, saying: "After I said this, the whole court fell silent, and the temperature in this room seemed to drop to zero in an instant. I was right. , the judge was wrong, I told him. But, will he be kind to me, no,... I believe I have a legal basis, and I also know that the speech is better than before. But I don't I made a big mistake by not convincing that judge, and I told a very learned and famous person directly? He was wrong...”

Few of us are logical, most of us are prejudiced, and we are all marred by jealousy, suspicion, fear, and arrogance.Many people are unwilling to change his religion, will, and even his hairstyle.So, if you are going to tell others that they have made mistakes, please read a passage written by Professor Robinson every day before breakfast.Here's what he wrote: “We sometimes find ourselves changing our minds without resistance or resistance. But if someone tells us about our mistakes, we feel remorse and resentment. We don’t pay attention to a mind-forming, but When someone tries to erase our idea, we suddenly become solid and stubborn about it. It's not that we have a strong preference for that idea, but our self-esteem has been damaged.

The word "my" is the most important word between people. If you can use these two words properly, it is the beginning of wisdom.Whether it is "my" rice, "my" dog, "my" house, "my" father, "my" God, the word has the same force. We don't just object to being told that our watch is wrong, or that our car is too old, but we don't want anyone to correct any of our mistakes.For something that we think is "right", we are always willing to continue to believe in it.If someone has some kind of doubt about us, it will arouse our strong disgust, and we will use various methods to defend it. "

Once, I hired an interior decorator to arrange a set of curtains for me.I was shocked when he sent the bill A few days later, a friend came to my house, saw that set of curtains, mentioned the price, gloated and said, "What...? That's too outrageous, I'm afraid you were not careful, and you were deceived by others! " Really?Yes, she told the truth, but people just don't want to hear that kind of truth.So, I tried my best to defend myself.I say this, expensive things are always good. The next day, another friend came to my house, and she sincerely appreciated the set of curtains.And she also said that she wishes she had a set of curtains like that.After I heard this, my reaction was completely different from yesterday.I said, "Honestly, I made this set of curtains, and the price was too expensive, and I regret it a little bit now."

When we make mistakes, maybe we will admit it to ourselves... If the other party can give us a chance to admit it, we will be very grateful; without the other party saying it, we will admit it very naturally.If someone forcefully stuffs unappetizing facts down our throats, we will not be able to accept them. During the American Civil War, Greeley, a very well-known publicist, disagreed with Lincoln's political views. He thought that his method of arguing with ridicule and scolding could make Lincoln accept his opinion and make the other party submit.He kept attacking Lincoln, month after month, year after year, and on the night Lincoln was assassinated, he wrote a rude, mean, mocking article about Lincoln.

Could these harsh attacks bring Lincoln to its knees?No, never. If you want to know how to get along with others, how to manage yourself, and how to improve your humanity and character, you can read "Franklin's Autobiography".This is an interesting biography and a masterpiece of American literature. In this autobiography, Franklin shows how he changed his own argumentative habits and made him one of the most able, genial, and diplomatic figures in American history. One day when Franklin was a erring young man, an old member of the Quaker Church called him to a On the other side, he gave him a solid training. "Friend," said the old churchgoer by Franklin's name, "you are undeserving. You beat people who disagree with you. No one cares about your opinions now. When your friends find out that you are not there , they will be more happy. You know so much that no one will ever tell you anything... In fact, you will not know much more than your present limited knowledge gone." As far as I know, Franklin owes his success to the sharp and powerful lessons of the old churchman.Franklin was old enough then to see the truth in it.He already knows deeply that if he does not change his past mistakes, he will be cast aside by the society.So he completely changed his outlook on life that was unrealistic in the past. Franklin said: "I set a rule for myself. I don't allow myself to disagree with anyone in my ideas. I don't insist on affirming my own opinions... All words with affirmative meaning are like "Of course", "undoubtedly" and other words, I use "I infer", "I guess", or "I imagine" instead.When others definitely point out my mistakes, I give up the idea of ​​immediately rebutting to the other party, but give a tactful answer... In a certain situation, what he refers to is correct, but now it may be a little different . Before long, I felt the benefits of my change of attitude.... I felt more at ease and more agreeable when I participated in any conversation.I put forward my opinions humbly, and they will accept them quickly, with few objections.I don't feel offended when I point out my mistakes to people.It is easier for me to dissuade them from their mistakes and accept my insights when I am "right." When I tried this method at first, the "self" tended to be hostile and rebellious, but later it became a habit naturally.In the past fifty years, no one has probably heard me utter a dogmatic statement.In my opinion, it is due to the formation of this habit that every time I make a proposal, I get people's enthusiastic support.I am not good at speech, I have no eloquence, my words are difficult, and my words are inappropriate, but most of my opinions can be agreed with by people. " How about Franklin's method in business?We can cite two examples: Mahoney, 114 Liberty Street, New York, sells special equipment for the kerosene industry.A regular customer in Long Island ordered a batch of goods from him.The manufacturing drawings of that batch have been submitted for approval, and the machine parts are already being manufactured.But an unfortunate thing happened suddenly. The buyer talked about this matter with his friends, and those friends put forward various opinions and ideas, some said it was too broad and too short, some said this and that, and he was immediately annoyed when he heard what his friends said Get restless.The buyer called Mahoney immediately, and he said he absolutely refused to accept the parts and equipment that were being manufactured. Mr. Mahoney described the situation at that time: "I checked carefully and found that we did not make any mistakes... I know that this is him and his friends, and I don't know the process of these parts. However, if I say bluntly It's not only inappropriate to say that, but it's very dangerous to the progress of this business. So I went to Long Island... I just walked into his office, and he jumped out of his chair and pointed at me. , like trying to fight me. Finally he said, "What are you going to do now?" I calmly told him that I can follow through on whatever plans he has.I said to him: "You are the one who pays, and of course you will be given what is applicable to you."If you think you're right, please send me another drawing... Although we've spent two thousand dollars on this work.I am willing to sacrifice two thousand dollars to cancel the work in progress and start again. But I have to make it clear first, if we make any mistakes according to the drawings you gave me now, then the responsibility lies with you, and we don't need to take any responsibility.However, if any mistakes are found during the production according to our plan, we will be fully responsible. . As he listened to me, the anger seemed to subside, and finally he said, "Well, carry on as usual, and if anything goes wrong, just ask God to help you." " In the end, we finally got it right, and now he has ordered two more shipments from us. When the customer insulted me and almost punched me, saying I didn't understand my business, I used all my self-control to try not to argue with the other party.It took a lot of self-control, but I did it, and it was worth it. If I told him it was his fault and started arguing and maybe going to court.And the result is not only bad feelings and economic losses for both parties, but also the loss of an extremely important customer.I deeply understand that it is not worthwhile to bluntly point out the mistakes of others. " Let's look at the second example... Don't forget, the example I gave, you may encounter at any time! The situation is this: "Crowley", a salesman at "Taylor Wood Factory" in New York , going on and on about the faults of the lumber inspector, who often wins arguments and defences, but never gets the slightest advantage.It was because of the arguments that Crowley's two wood factories lost tens of thousands of yuan.Later, after he came to my workshop and listened to the lecture, he decided to change his policy and stopped arguing.  … ...how did it turn out?Here is his report: The phone in my office rang one morning, and it was from an angry customer who said the lumber we were sending to the mill wasn't applicable at all.His factory has stopped unloading and asked us to try to remove those goods from their factory immediately.When they were unloading a quarter of a load, their lumber inspector said the lumber was fifty-five percent below standard grade, in which case they refused to accept the shipment. After I found out about this situation, I immediately went to his factory... On the way, I was thinking about how to deal with this matter the best way.Usually when I encounter this kind of situation, I need to quote the rules of grading wood; at the same time, I use my own experience and common sense as an inspector to gain the trust of that inspector.I have full confidence that the timber is up to standard, but he misunderstood the rules during the inspection.However, I applied the principles I learned from the workshop. When I went to the factory, the buyers and inspectors looked very unfriendly.It seems that they are ready to negotiate and negotiate with me.I went to where they were unloading and asked them to continue unloading so I could see what was wrong.I asked the inspector to put the qualified goods on this side and the unqualified ones on the other side. After looking at it for a while, I found that his inspection seemed to be too strict, and he made a mistake in the rules. This time the wood is white pine. Not very knowledgeable.As for me, I know Bai Song best, but do I mean to be unfriendly to the inspector?No, absolutely not.I just pay attention to how he checks, and tentatively ask him where are the reasons for those unqualified.I took no hints and said he was wrong.I just make this kind of statement - in order to avoid mistakes when sending wood in the future, I just ask questions one after another. I spoke to the inspector in a friendly and cooperative manner, and at the same time praised him for his prudence and competence, and said he was right to find the off-spec wood.In this way, the tension between us gradually disappeared, and then we became rapport.I will insert a sentence very naturally, which is something I have carefully considered, which makes them feel that those unqualified wood should be qualified.But I said it very implicitly and carefully, to let them know that I didn't say it on purpose. Gradually, his attitude changed!He finally admitted to me that he didn't have a lot of experience with woods like white pine, and he started asking me for advice.I explained to him how to be a standard piece of wood.But I also made this statement that if it does not meet their needs, they can refuse to accept the goods.In the end he found his fault in not pointing out the need for good wood. After I left, the inspector went over the whole car's wood again and accepted it all, and I also got a check payable at sight. From this point of view, it is only necessary to use a certain amount of skill in anything; there is no need to tell the other party how wrong he is.As far as I am concerned, I saved the company a loss of 150 yuan, and the goodwill left by both parties cannot be estimated with money. In this chapter, I did not say anything new.Nineteen centuries ago, Jesus said this: "Quickly agree with your opponents." In other words, instead of arguing with your customer, your husband, or your opponent, don't accuse him of being wrong, don't provoke him, but use some diplomacy. Two thousand and two hundred years before the birth of Christ, the king of Egypt taught his son, saying: First, you must use diplomacy to help you achieve your desired goal. " So, if you're going to get people to agree with you, the second rule is: Respect the opinions of others, and never accuse the other party of being wrong.