Chapter 23 Chapter 22 Talking to Strangers: Finding Common Interests

Most of us would subconsciously say no to contacting strangers.Since childhood, we have been indoctrinated with the horrors of strangers, and we may be more or less harassed by strangers when we grow up, so most of us subconsciously form resistance to strangers. But in life, we are faced with many situations where we have to deal with strangers.When you hold a product launch conference, you need to face reporters who have little relationship with you; when you give a public speech, you need to face audiences you have never met; When you are working, you need to face unfamiliar local residents; when you are interviewing for a job, you need to face unfamiliar interviewers... Whether it is work, study, or life, you need to interact with strangers.Therefore, we have to let go of the habitual psychological resistance, speak and communicate with strangers.In this way, we can obtain useful information and appropriate guidance from them, which undoubtedly contributes to our success-even directly determines our success.

Lai Shuhui, the founder of the "Association for Physical and Spiritual Growth" in Chinese Taipei, had a classic case of using strangers to gain success in her career when she started a real estate agency.At that time, Lai Shuhui lived in a building, and at the same time ran the real estate agency of this building. After careful observation, she found that all buyers who were interested in the building were always the first to ask the gatekeeper, "Have you recently bought a house?" The tenant wants to sell the house? How much is the price?” Interestingly, every time the administrator’s answer is almost: “You can ask Ms. Lai who lives on the eighth floor, she likes buying and selling houses, so you don’t have to go to other intermediaries It’s been sold.” In addition, the news that someone in the building is waiting for money to sell the house is always the first to reach her ears.Because of this, Lai Shuhui earned more than 10 million yuan from a property in the Capital Building.

Why is the administrator willing to help Lai Shuhui?To put it bluntly, she cares about everyone as if she were a family member. Every day when Lai Shuhui goes in and out of the gate, she will definitely say hello to the administrator on duty that day, and she will also bring some local famous products as a way of expressing her heart when she returns from business trips.This naturally won the support of the on-duty administrator, a noble person who seemed to have nothing to do with Lai Shuhui's work. There are many people who think that winning over a stranger is next to impossible.The above example proves this perception is wrong.In fact, as long as we do it properly, we can also get support from strangers.Many people fail to do this precisely because they lack interest in other people, because they have neither a natural gift for dealing with others nor an acquired effort to remedy it.

This is the ideal state of successful communication.No matter who, if he has the ability to hit it off with most new friends, he will have friends all over the world, and he will be able to do things in both ways; on the contrary, if he lacks the courage to deal with new friends and is not good at talking to strangers, he will If you are blocked everywhere in communication, it will be difficult to succeed in your career.Today is in the era of reform and opening up. For most people, the scope of communication is getting wider and wider, and the ability to communicate with new friends at first sight is becoming more and more important.It can be said that letting strangers feel like old friends at first sight is the core idea of ​​letting strangers support you.

When meeting strangers for the first time, good conversation is the key to breaking the strangeness.So, how can you open up the situation of talking to strangers?Psychology shows that if you can find common ground with strangers, you can open up the dilemma of being unfamiliar with each other and being wary when you meet for the first time. 1. Observe words and feelings, and look for common ground A person's psychological state, spiritual pursuit, life hobbies, etc., are more or less expressed in their expressions, clothing, conversation, manners, etc. As long as you are good at observing, you will find your common ground.A veteran met a stranger in his car, right behind the driver.The car broke down shortly after it was on the road, and the driver got busy getting in and out of the car and hadn't repaired it yet.The stranger suggested that the driver check the oil circuit again, and the driver dubiously checked it and found the cause of the problem.The veteran felt that he might have learned this trick from the army.So he tentatively asked: "Have you ever been in the army?" "Well, you have been in the army for six or seven years." "Oh, we should be considered comrades in arms. Where was the army when you were in the army?"...So this They started talking to strangers, and it is said that they later became friends.And this is what they found in common after observing each other.Of course, the things discovered by observing the appearance must be combined with your own hobbies, and you are also interested in it, so it is possible to break the silent atmosphere; otherwise, even if you find something in common, you will still have nothing to say , or "stuck" after speaking one or two sentences.

2. Use words to test and detect common ground In order for strangers to break the silence, speaking is the most important thing. Some people start with a greeting, asking about the other person’s place of origin and identity, and get information from it; When the other party is doing something that needs help urgently, he uses words to test; some even take advantage of the fire to smoke, which can also discover the characteristics of the other party and open up the situation of oral communication.Two elderly people got on the bus from a certain county and sat on a bench.One of them asked the other: "Where do I get off?" "At the end, how about you?" "Me too, where did you go in Nanjing?" "I went to a relative's house on Shanxi Road in Nanjing. Are you from this place?" No, I came from Nanjing to visit relatives." After the "fire reconnaissance" of both parties, both sides were familiar with the county and Nanjing, and it became clear that they both visited relatives.The two had a very speculative conversation after discovering the commonality of each other, and even invited each other to be guests after getting off the car.This kind of harmonious effect seems to be accidental, but in fact there is an inevitable reason: "Fire reconnaissance", the effect of finding common ground and digging deep.

3. Listen to people's introductions and guess what they have in common When you go to a friend’s house and meet a stranger present, as the host who is familiar with both, he will immediately come forward to introduce both parties, explaining the relationship between the two parties and the host, their respective identities, work units, and even personality traits, hobbies, etc. , Careful people can immediately find out what the other party has in common with themselves from the introduction.One is the head of the county price bureau, and the other is a teacher from the "county middle". They met at a friend's house, and the host introduced the strangers to each other. They immediately discovered that they were both the host's classmates. Immediately chat around the breakthrough point of "classmates", get to know and understand each other, and become intimate.The most important thing is to carefully analyze and get to know the other party when listening to the introduction, and then expand the conversation after discovering common points, and constantly discover new topics of common concern.

4. Study the conversation and explore common ground In order to find the common ground between strangers and yourself, you can analyze and figure out when the person who needs to communicate with others talks, and you can also figure out the other party's words when the other party talks to yourself, and find common points from it.In a department store in Guangzhou, a person who served in the South China Sea Fleet said to the waiter: "Please show me that thing." Dialect.The other, also from northern Jiangsu, served in an army unit in Guangzhou.Hearing the words of the former, he also pointed to a product on the shelf and said the same thing to the salesperson. The words in the two lines were filled with the local flavor of northern Jiangsu, which made the two strangers look at each other and smile, and bought what they wanted to buy. Stuff, we started talking as soon as we left the store, asking about the army from our hometown, talking about the road we have traveled in the past few years from the current mission, and introducing our future plans.People who don't know the intimacy of a pair of fellow villagers in a foreign land will never believe that it is the result of trying to figure out a word from the other's hometown.It can be seen that carefully thinking about the other party's conversation can indeed turn strangers into acquaintances and develop into friends by finding out what the two parties have in common.

5. Step by step, dig out the common ground Finding common ground isn't too difficult, but that's only all that's needed in the initial stages of a conversation.As the content of the conversation deepens, there will be more and more common ground.In order to make the conversation more beneficial to the other party, we must dig out the deep common ground step by step in order to get what we want.A college student on vacation and a comrade who worked in the court had dinner at a mutual friend's house. After being introduced by the host, the strangers started talking. Slowly, both of them found that they had different views on the unhealthy trends in society. Discussions started unknowingly. They talked about the soil and roots of the unsatisfactory social phenomenon, from the role of democracy and the legal system, to the expectations of the party and the country.The more we talked, the deeper we talked, the shorter the distance between the two sides, and the more we talked about, the more we had in common.Afterwards, both sides believed that the conversation was of great benefit to college students' understanding of the society, to the court comrades' understanding of outside information and the demands of the masses, and to enhancing their awareness of doing their best to correct unhealthy tendencies.

There are many ways to find common ground, such as facing a common living environment, common work tasks, common direction of progress, common living habits, etc. As long as you find out carefully, it is not difficult for strangers to have nothing to say. broken. After strangers open their chests and talk to us, if you want to get their support, then you should think about this question next: How can I make him agree with me?The answer to the question is simple: be just right to accommodate the emotional needs of strangers.Only when you open up the channel of emotional needs of a stranger, can he completely let go of his guard and agree with you from the bottom of his heart.

1. Caring for those closest to him Anyone who always cares about the people closest to them will feel extremely close once they find out that others are also caring about the people they care about.Communication can take advantage of this common psychological tendency of people, cut in from caring for his closest people, and shorten the distance of communication. Kono Ichiro, who was once comparable to the former Japanese Prime Minister Eisaku Sato, knows how to take advantage of people's subtle psychology.Once when Ichiro Kono was traveling in Europe and America, he met Mr. Yonekura Jin, a friend who had not seen him for many years and had become unfamiliar.After the two talked to each other about their recent situation, they both left their domestic addresses and phone numbers, knowing that each other had become a family.That night, the first thing Kono Ichiro did when he returned to the hotel was to hang up a long-distance call to Mrs. Yonekura: "I am an old friend of Yonekura. My name is Kono Ichiro. We met in New York. it is good." Mrs. Yicangjin didn't expect her husband's friend to be so caring and considerate to her husband, and she was moved to tears.Yicang recently found out, and made a special trip to thank him. 2. Build up the consciousness of "compatriots" in his heart The consciousness of "compatriots" is also the consciousness of family affection.Why are Guan Yu and Zhang Fei so loyal to Liu Bei?The main reason is that Uncle Liu Huang became sworn brothers with Guan and Zhang at the beginning of their acquaintance and became "brothers". The consciousness of "brethren" has firmly taken root in Guan and Zhang's minds.Being able to quickly establish the awareness of "compatriots" at the beginning of communication can make the other party relax their vigilance against themselves and accept themselves as "one of our own". Yoshiichi Tanaka is a well-known politician in Japan. He is very good at using people's intimacy to create a warm communication environment to achieve the desired communication effect.Once, while on a political tour of Hokkaido, he was greeted by a well-dressed man who looked like a well-known local figure as he stepped out of the welcome line.Tanaka Yoshiichi hurried forward, held the man's hands tightly, and said very enthusiastically: "Ah, you have worked hard. How is your father?" The man was so moved that he couldn't speak for a while.Tanaka Yoshiichi's political tour was therefore a great success.Afterwards, Yoshiichi Tanaka's attendants were very puzzled by his master's intimacy, and couldn't help asking: "Who is that man?" Yoshiichi Tanaka's answer was unexpected: "How do I know, but everyone has a father!" Tanaka Yoshiichi's success in communication is undoubtedly because he chose a better communication entry point, that is, he quickly established a sense of family affection in the man's mind, making the man feel that he is a trustworthy and amiable person, so in Psychologically, I have a sense of identification with Tanaka Yoshiichi. 3. Give others a helping hand Enthusiasm and help are the best way to win the favor of others.In daily life, those who are warm-hearted, kind, generous, and helpful can always gain a good reputation among neighbors and colleagues.Because people are generally happy to get acquainted with these warm-hearted people.For example, if you help a neighbor who is carrying a gas tank upstairs, you can become a frequent visitor to his home; pack the luggage for a passenger who just got on the bus, and you will have an extra partner on the journey; make a cup for a busy colleague Tea, and you'll get kindness in return. 4. Warm the ice in others' hearts with warmth People generally believe that the period after the conflict between the two parties broke out is the freezing point of communication.But if one party can take the initiative to make a well-intentioned act that is completely opposite to the other party's expectations at this time, it will make the other party agree with you in astonishment, exclamation, admiration, and respect, thus turning the enemy into a friend.The freezing point of communication becomes the entry point of successful communication. When Washington, the founding president of the United States, was a colonel, he led troops stationed in Alexandria.In the election for the Virginia legislature, a man named William Penn opposed the candidate supported by Washington.Meanwhile, at one point over election issues, Washington turned against Payne.Washington's rude words offended Payne; Payne was furious and punched Washington to the ground.When Washington's subordinates heard the news, the crowd was furious, and the troops immediately drove over, preparing to teach Payne a lesson.Washington stopped them on the spot and persuaded them to return to the camp, so a confrontation was temporarily avoided. Early the next morning, Washington sent Payne a note.Ask him to come to a small local hotel as soon as possible.Payne arrived as scheduled with a mood full of bad luck. He guessed that Washington must have a duel with him, but unexpectedly, Washington set up a sumptuous banquet there.Seeing Payne coming, Washington immediately stood up to greet him, stretched out his hand with a smile, and said: "Mr. Payne, it is human nature to make mistakes, and it is an honor to correct mistakes. I believe that I was wrong yesterday. You have Satisfied to a certain extent. If you think this can be resolved, then hold my hand and let us be friends." Washington's passionate words moved Payne.Penn has since become a ardent supporter of Washington. In the process of making friends or doing business with strangers, if you let the other party know that you and him have common interests, both parties must form an alliance of interests in order to obtain common interests, and things will be much easier in this way. When making friends and doing business, if you make the other party feel that he has the same interests as you, the other party will be more proactive in doing things and will receive better results.This is like comrades-in-arms in the same trench on the battlefield. Comrades have the same interests, live and die together, and everyone must fight bravely to achieve common victory. The same is true for business. In terms of communication and cooperation, as long as the other party feels that you and him have the same interest relationship, the distance between them can often be quickly shortened and the other party will work hard.If this technique is applied well, it will often achieve unexpected good results. 1. Find common ground of interests between you and the stranger There was a factory that was not doing very well, and the wages of the workers were very low. When the workers asked for an increase in wages, the boss said to them: "Everyone, do you want the company to go bankrupt?" Of course, no one wants their factory to go bankrupt. If you lose your job, you will be unemployed, and you will not even be able to get the low wages you are seeing right now. The boss continued: "If the factory closes down, everyone won't get a penny of wages, and I don't want the factory to close down. I have common interests with you. The closing down of the factory is not good for you or me. Now we are united and work together. Only when the difficulties are overcome and the factories are successfully run will everyone have food." After listening to the boss's words, the workers feel that the boss has a common interest relationship with them, and feel that the factory is running well, the boss will get rich, and their wages will increase.As a result, these workers worked together and worked hard, and the factory was really successful. Both the boss and the workers realized their wishes. The same is true when interacting with strangers. As long as the other party feels that your interests are consistent with his, he will take the initiative to help you and provide you with support. 2. Let the other party see the benefits No matter how stubborn a person is, as long as it is profitable, he will also be hooked.If you want to achieve your goals, you must stimulate the desire of the other party, and let the other party know that as long as you can get things done, he can get rewards and benefits, not just sweets, so that people believe that what you said is not empty words. When discussing business and cooperation with strangers, but let the other party not see the benefits, the other party will naturally not do it. If you say a hundred beautiful words, it is better to let the other party get some real benefits. There is an author who has been writing novels for many years, but his novels are always difficult to publish.He got acquainted with the editor of a journal through channels, and sent more than 10 novel manuscripts to the editor in two years, but every time the editor read it, he said that the manuscript had not been written in place.For a while, they excused that the subject matter of the novel was too old, and for a while they said that the manuscripts were already full; either there was a problem here, or there was a problem there. One Sunday, the author went to the editor's house to deliver the manuscript. It happened that the editor's computer screen was broken and he needed to find someone to fix it.This author is also considered an intellectual, usually thin-skinned, ashamed to give some gifts or favors to the editor.This time he seized this opportunity, so he said to the editor, I still have an extra display screen at home, I will bring it and you can use it first.So the editor didn't shirk.The author hurried home, removed the display screen of his computer and gave it to the editor.In fact, the author does not have a spare display, he just took the display that he bought less than a year ago and gave it away. Sure enough, when the editor got the screen he sent, he immediately became enthusiastic, and immediately read a draft of the novel he sent, and immediately affirmed that the draft of the novel was good, and said that he did not expect your novel to be better. I became more and more fascinated, and decided to publish the novel in the current periodical. The author cleverly gave benefits to the editor, and easily finished the things he hadn't done for many years. The same is true for getting support and help from strangers.Benefits are the balance of cooperation.Let both parties know that they will get benefits and rewards after cooperation, and let the other party feel that it is worthwhile to cooperate with you, then you can easily achieve your goals. The courage to talk to strangers is not innate, it can be cultivated gradually.Its main method is as follows. 1. Autosuggestion Before talking, you can make self-suggestion, and say it silently: "Why are you panicking? Say it one sentence at a time!" first sentence!" 2. The Self-Trust Act Believe that you can speak and speak, and do it: talk when you need to speak, laugh when you need to laugh, and ask what you need to ask, naturally and generously. 3. Epigram enlightenment method It is often very instructive to remember some aphorisms that help you overcome your timidity and muster your courage.For example, "Courage is the main character of a man", "Go boldly, but be careful, it is difficult to move an inch", "Never listen to your fear", first have a firm belief in yourself, and then do it with all your energy - the foundation of success is ten There are eight or nine buildings here. 4. Tension transfer method Don't always think about it: if you want to talk to a stranger, how should you talk?I'm so anxious... to transfer this nervousness to other things.For example, look at the furnishings in the room, appreciate the famous paintings and calendars on the wall, and so on.Tensions are naturally relieved, and conversations can proceed more easily. When talking with strangers, we must keep in mind the incisive insights of the famous eloquentist Bo Ruijian: "The ability to speak is mostly acquired by practice, and rarely gifted by nature."