Chapter 10 Colonel Clay's Salad

Father Brown had just finished mass and was on his way home.It was a misty morning with a slow rising mist that made the morning seem eerie—a weather in which even the most basic components of light become mysterious and novel.The trees scattered all over the field gradually appeared in the water vapor, as if using charcoal strips to accentuate the chalk outline.Farther away, there are scattered housing in the suburbs.As their outlines became clearer, eventually he recognized the dwellings of many of his casual acquaintances, and many more, and he could call the owners by name.The doors and windows of all the houses are closed, and no one will get up so early, let alone do his errands.Ahead was a villa with verandahs and wide, splendid gardens.When he walked by, a sound made him stop involuntarily.It was unmistakable that it must have been a pistol or a carbine, or some other small arms fire, but that was not what puzzled him most.After the first bang, there was a series of soft bangs soon—he counted, six in total.He estimated that this should be an echo, but the strange thing was that this echo had nothing like the original sound.He couldn't figure out what those sounds were, but the first three sounded like a siphon draining a soda bottle, some animal cry, and someone trying not to laugh.None of these possibilities seem plausible.

Father Brown has a dual personality.On the one hand he was a man of action, as humble as a primrose and as punctual as a clock;On the other hand he is a thinker, simpler but also stronger, and nothing can easily stop him; his thought is always (in the sense of the word itself) free.Before he knew it, he couldn't help asking himself a bunch of questions, and then tried to answer them one by one, all of which were as natural to him as breathing and blood circulation.But he will never deliberately cross the line to meddle in other people's business.This time, the two attitudes can be said to meet on a narrow road.He kept telling himself that this had nothing to do with him, and wanted to continue walking in the morning light, but he unconsciously thought of and denied no less than 20 possible meanings of those strange sounds in his mind.At this time, the gray sky was getting brighter, and Father Brown recognized that he was standing in front of Major Putnam's house. He was an Anglo-Indian man, and he brought a local Maltese cook as his companion.At the same time, he also realized that shooting is a very serious matter, and it is absolutely necessary for him to explore the results.He resolutely turned around and stepped into the garden, and walked to the front door.

One side of the house protruded from half-height, like a low shed; he later discovered that it was a huge garbage can.Turning from the corner there was a figure, at first only a vague shadow could be seen in the mist, apparently bending over to look for something.As he got closer, the figure gradually became clear, and it turned out to be a rather strong guy.He was Major Putnam, with a bald head, a thick neck, short but broad build, and his face always looked a little flushed because of the long-term British life in the hot Indian sun.But it was actually a cheerful face. Even now, although it was full of curiosity and confusion, there was still a trace of innocent smile on it.On the back of his head was a broad brown-leaf hat (which looked like a wreath, but was terribly out of tune with his face), but otherwise he wore only bright red and yellow striped pajamas.Although the clothes looked bright and warm, they should still be quite cold in such a cold morning.Obviously, he ran out of the room in a hurry, and the major directly shouted, "Did you hear that sound?" The priest was not surprised by this.

"Yes," replied Father Brown, "I think I'd better come and see, and do me a favor in case something happens." The major stared at him in amazement with gooseberry eyes full of joy. "What do you think that sound is?" he asked. "Like a gunshot or something," the priest replied, hesitantly, "but the echo seems a little unusual." The major was still watching him calmly, but his eyes were wide open.Suddenly the front door was flung open, the light from the gas lamps shone brightly on the fading mist, and another figure in pajamas staggered out of the door.The man was much taller, leaner, and more athletic; the pajamas, though equally bright, were more tasteful, white and lemon stripes.The man was gaunt but handsome.He was darker than the Major, with a straight face, deep-set eyes, and an oddity in his dark hair and light moustache.All these details were caught by Father Brown inadvertently, and at that moment he really noticed only one thing: the visitor was holding a revolver.

"Clay!" cried the major, staring at him. "Did you shoot it?" "Yes, I did," returned the dark-haired gentleman excitedly. "You would have done the same! If you were being chased about by the devil, you would almost—" The major interrupted him hastily. "This is my friend Father Brown," he said, and turning to Brown again. "I wonder if you've seen Colonel Cray of the Royal Artillery?" "Of course, I've heard of him," said the priest simply. "Did you—did you hit anything?" "I think so," Clay said heavily.

"He—" Major Putnam asked in a low voice, "is he dead or screaming or something?" Colonel Clay gazed strangely at his host. "I'll tell you what he did," he said. "He sneezed." Father Brown held up his hand in the gesture that one often has when a name suddenly comes to mind.He finally knew what the sound was. It wasn't a soda bottle or a dog snorting. "Well," said the major suddenly, his eyes wide open, "I've never heard of sneezing after being hit by a revolver." "I've never heard of it," said Father Brown softly. "It's a good thing you didn't hit him with your cannon, or he might have a bad cold." After thinking for a while, he went on to ask: "It's a thief." ?"

"Let's go in," Major Putnam said sternly, and entered the room first. At such an early morning hour, there was always a strange contradiction between the light inside and outside the house: although the major had turned off the gas lamp in the front hall, the room still seemed brighter than the sky outside.Father Brown was surprised to find that the table was arranged as if it was going to hold a wedding banquet, with tablecloths in front of each seat, and six unnecessary shapes of wine glasses beside each plate.It's not uncommon at this time of the morning to see a mess of glasses from the previous night's feast, but there is something unusual about a newly laid table early in the morning.

When the priest stood hesitantly in the hall, Major Putnam suddenly rushed past him, his furious eyes swept across the tablecloth.At last he burst out: "All the silver is gone!" he gasped, "The fish knife and fork are gone, the old cruet holder is gone, even the old silver milk jug is gone! Now Well, Father Brown, I am ready to answer your question, are you a thief!" "It's just a trick," Clay said stubbornly. "I know better than you why they have trouble with this house, and I know better than you why—" The major patted him on the shoulder lightly, as if comforting a sick child: "It's a thief, obviously a thief."

"A thief with a bad cold," said Father Brown, "which may help you catch him in the vicinity." The major shook his head sadly: "I'm afraid he has already run away by now." After that, when Clay went to the garden again with the revolver, the major whispered to the priest in a hoarse voice: "I don't know if I should call the police. My friend was a little reckless in firing a gun. I'm afraid he has broken the law. He lives It's too brutal, and, to be honest, I think he's hallucinating sometimes." "I think you told me," Brown said, "that he thought some mysterious Indian organization was after him."

Major Putnam nodded, but also shrugged. "I think we'd better hang out with him," he said, "I don't want that to happen again, what do you mean, sneezing?" They stepped out of the gate into the morning light, which was now faintly visible.Colonel Clay, with his tall body hunched over, was inspecting the gravel road and lawn inch by inch, his upper body almost touching the ground.As the major walked slowly towards him, the priest also walked forward casually, turning the next corner and only a few steps away from the garbage can. He stared at the gloomy behemoth, stood still for a minute or two, then walked over, lifted the lid and got his head inside.Dusty rubbish and dust spilled out together, but Father Brown concentrated on observing the inside, ignoring his own image.He stayed like this for a long time, as if he was performing some mysterious prayer ceremony.Finally, he got out of the trash can with a dusty head and walked away indifferently.

When he returned to the garden gate again, the daylight had cleared the mist, and the small group of people standing in front of the gate seemed to have lost their sickness.It is reasonable to say that things have not been clarified yet, and it is not time to relax, but they are like the characters in Dickens's novels, all of them have a sense of joy.Major Putnam slipped back into the house at some point, put on a well-fitting shirt and trousers, and a dark red belt, with a square light-colored jacket over it.Now well dressed, his festive red face wore its customary enthusiasm.He did attract attention, but he was talking to the cook at the time.The chef was a dark Maltese, with a thin, sallow, sad face, which contrasted eerily with the white hat and uniform.He had good reason to be worried, since cooking was the major's hobby, and he was an amateur who knew more than a professional.As far as he was concerned, the only other person who was qualified to judge omelets was his friend Clay.Thinking of this, Brown quickly turned to look for the officer.The day was bright and everyone was dressed and looking refreshed, but Clay's appearance took him by surprise.The tall, elegant officer, still in his pajamas and with disheveled hair, was on all fours searching the garden for signs of the burglar.And, apparently because he couldn't find it anywhere, he pounded the ground angrily from time to time.Seeing him crawling in the grass like that, the priest couldn't help frowning sadly. For the first time, he began to think that maybe the phrase "sometimes have hallucinations" was just a euphemism. In that group, apart from the cook and the major, Father Brown also recognized another person—Audrey Watson, the major's nurse and housekeeper.At this moment, from her apron, rolled up cuffs, and determined expression, it was clear that she was doing housework rather than nursing. "You deserve it," she said. "I told you not to use that old-fashioned cruet holder." "I love it," Putnam said mildly. "I'm a nostalgic guy, and the condiment bottles can be collected together." "Look, gone now too," she retorted. "Well, if you stop bothering about the thief, I don't bother making lunch. It's Sunday and we can't get it in town Vinegar and other condiments; and no spicy stuff, you Indian gentlemen can't enjoy the so-called feast. I wish you didn't ask Cousin Oliver to take me to the music, that gets 12 points It's half over, and the Colonel will have to go by then. I don't believe you men can handle it by yourself." "Oh, dear, we can," the major looked at her kindly, "Marco has all kinds of sauces, and you know, we can always survive in bad circumstances. You should enjoy Come on, you don't have to do chores all the time, and I know you want to listen to music." "I want to go to church," she said, her eyes piercing. She belongs to the kind of woman who is always beautiful, because her beauty is not in her appearance or skin color, but in her mind and personality.However, even though she is not yet middle-aged, her reddish-brown hair is still full and shiny like the woman in Titian's works, but from her lips and eyebrows, you can indeed see something that is dying of sadness. Erosion, like a Greek temple eventually weathered.In fact, the little domestic difficulties of which she was now speaking so decisively were not tragedy at all, but farce.During their conversation, Father Brown also sorted out some ideas: Clay is another gourmet, and he will leave before lunch time, but the host who entertained him did not want to miss the opportunity to have a feast with his old friends. A special brunch was arranged while Miss Watson and the serious people were going to morning prayers.Miss Watson will be accompanied to church by a relative and friend of hers, Dr. Oliver Ammann.Although the doctor is a science fanatic, he is also a music fan and is even willing to go to church for the opportunity to listen to music.None of this seemed to have anything to do with the sorrow on Miss Watson's face; and Father Brown turned again involuntarily to the madman, who was still rummaging in the grass. Brown strolled up to him, and the shaggy black head suddenly looked up, as if the priest had frightened him by staying so long.In fact, Father Brown himself realized this, not to mention being rude, even if it is common sense that this should not be the case. "Oh!" said Clay, his eyes glowing. "I suppose you think I'm crazy as much as they do?" "I did think so," said the little man calmly, "but I'm more inclined to think you're not crazy." "What do you mean?" Clay asked roughly. "A real lunatic," explained Father Brown, "has no sense of being ill at all to think of fighting it. But you're trying to track down the burglar, even if he doesn't exist. You're fighting, What you want is not what a madman would want." "What is it?" "You want to prove yourself wrong," Brown said. Before he finished speaking, Clay jumped up, or rather wobbled to his feet, staring anxiously at the priest. "Damn it, that's what it is!" he exclaimed. "They all told me the man was after the silver—I wish it was! She was after me," his shaggy black head turned to Wo Miss Sen shook her head, but Father Brown didn't really need him to point the way. "Today she blamed me for being cruel, for shooting poor harmless thieves; locals. But I used to be good-natured, as gentle as Putnam." He paused and then said, "Well, I've never met you, but please comment on this whole thing. Old Putnam and I were comrades in arms, but I got a little wounded on the Afghan border, so better than Most of the people were ordered to evacuate earlier, only the two of us were sent home to recuperate. Watson and I got engaged there, so the three of us came back together. It happened on the road, which is weird Brilliant. It turned out that Putnam wanted to break off our engagement, and even Watson was holding back. I know what they mean, and I know what they think of me. You know that too." "Well, here's the thing. On the last day we were in an Indian city, I asked Putnam if I could get some Trichi cigars, and he told me about a little place across the street from where he lived. I later Got it, and he was right, but 'opposite' is a terrible word when a decent house is across from a bunch of other houses. I must have gone through the wrong door. I struggled to open a room There was darkness in front of my eyes. But when I wanted to go back, I heard the sound of many bolts being fastened, and the door behind me was closed and locked again. I had to go forward and walk through a long, dark road. Passage. Finally, I came to a staircase, followed by a shuttered door locked with a latch. The latch was very good, Eastern style iron work. I could only feel with my hands, but I finally opened it It. At this time, it was dark again, but fortunately, many small lights were lit up on the ground, the light was very stable, and faintly glowed green. But the light was only enough for me to see the outline of a huge empty building. The bottom or the edge. There seemed to be a huge mountain in front of me. I have to say that when I realized that I was standing in front of a god, I was so scared that I almost fell on the huge stone platform. The worst thing is, The idol still has its back turned to me." "I guess it may not look like a human, because its small head is short and stocky, and there is a tail behind it, or an extra limb, like a disgusting huge finger, pointing Looking at a string of symbols carved in the center of the back of the boulder. With the dim light, I began to guess the meaning of those hieroglyphs. Of course, I was scared to death. At this time, something even more terrifying happened. The room was like a temple , a door in the wall behind me opened silently, and a brown-faced man in a black jacket stepped out. He had brass skin and ivory white teeth, and a smile seemed to freeze on his face. But the most annoying thing is that he is wearing European clothes. I think I expected to see priests wrapped in robes or naked ascetics. But this one made me realize that there is evil everywhere in the world , can’t get rid of it. And it turns out that’s true.” "'If you only saw the monkey god's feet,' he said bluntly, still smiling, 'your punishment will be very mild—you'll just suffer and die; God's face, we will still treat you with gentleness and tolerance - you just need to endure the torture and continue to live; but, since you have seen the monkey god's tail, I have to give you the harshest sentence - give you freedom .'" "As soon as the words were spoken, I heard the delicate iron bar which I had tried so hard to open before; and then, from the end of the dark passage through which I passed, came the sound of the heavy latch of the street gate being unlatched, The door is also open." "'It is useless to ask for mercy, you are free to leave,' said the smiling man, 'and from now on a hair will kill you like a sword, and a breath like an adder I usually bite you to death; weapons will appear out of nowhere to claim your life, and you will die forever.” After speaking, he disappeared into the wall behind him again, and I walked back to the street.” Clay stopped, and Father Brown sat down on the lawn and began picking daisies. The soldier went on: "Of course, Putnam always looked carefree and cheerful, and scoffed at my fears. And, from then on, he began to suspect that I was a little out of my mind. Okay. Well, let me tell you the three things that happened after that in the simplest words, and you can tell which of us is right in the end." "The first thing happened in an Indian village on the edge of the jungle, but hundreds of miles from the temple, or the town, long gone from the tribe and customs that cursed me. Darkness In the middle of the night, I woke up suddenly and lay on the bed without thinking about anything. Suddenly I felt a little itchy, as if there was a rope or a strand of hair wrapped around my throat. While I shrank to avoid it, I couldn’t help thinking of What the man in the temple said. When I got up and turned on the light and looked at myself in the mirror, I found a circle of blood on my neck." "The second thing happened on our way back to China. At that time, we stayed in an inn in Port Said. The inn was accompanied by a tavern and an antique shop. On the surface, there were no monkey god idols, but there may be monkeys in that kind of place. God portraits or spells or something. Anyway, the curse followed there. I woke up again in the night and felt the cold breath of the viper, which is really not an exaggeration to describe it. Being alive is a painful struggle in itself. I banged my head against the wall so hard that I bumped against the window, and instead of jumping I fell, rather, into the garden. Poor Putnam, he thought What happened before was just an accidental scratch, but this time he found me lying in the grass in a daze at dawn, and he thought it was time to take it seriously. But I'm afraid he was worried about my mental state, not my state of mind. It's not what I said." "The third thing happened in Malta. We lived in a castle at that time, and our room happened to be able to see the boundless sea. If it wasn't separated by the white outer wall as flat as the sea, the sea water could almost overflow to the window sill. I woke up again in the night, but it was not dark. When I walked to the window, I could see the bright full moon. Ordinarily I should see a bird on the empty battlements, or the sea and the sky meet I saw a sailboat floating there. But what I saw was a stick or branch or something spinning in the air, and then it flew straight into my window and smashed the lamp next to my pillow to pieces, and my head Just got off that pillow. It was a weird looking stick, the kind some Eastern tribes use to fight. But the thing is, I don't see anyone throwing it out at all." Father Brown dropped the daisy wreath he was fiddling with, and stood up thoughtfully. "Major Putnam," he asked, "has he got any oriental antiques, idols, weapons, or anything else that might give us some hint?" "Too many, but I'm afraid it won't be of much use," Clay replied. "Anyway, let's go into the study." They went in and passed Miss Watson, who was buttoning her gloves to go out to church; and from downstairs came the voice of Major Putnam, still teaching his cook how to cook.In the Major's study and curios room, they came upon another man by chance.The man was wearing a silk top hat, well dressed, as if he was about to go out.He was sitting behind the small table with the ashtray, and was concentrating on flipping through a book. When he heard the sound of them entering the door, he threw down the book guiltily and turned around hastily. Clay introduced this doctor Oman very respectfully, but his expression was extremely cold.Whether Watson knew it or not, Father Brown had already guessed that the two were undoubtedly rivals.He was not without sympathy for Colonel Clay's prejudice, and Dr. Amman was indeed a well-dressed gentleman, and he had a good appearance, although his complexion was too dark to be Asian.Father Brown noticed that the man had waxed his whiskers so that they stood out straighter, and that he wore special gloves to make his hands look smaller and to speak with air.But the priest warned himself that even so, he must be tolerant and understanding. Aman's black-gloved hands held a small prayer book that seemed to annoy Clay in particular. "I didn't know you were interested in this," he said rather rudely. Oman smiled mildly, and did not get angry. "I know, this one might suit me better," he said, resting his hand on the one he had just dropped, "a great dictionary of drugs and stuff like that. But it's too much for church. It's a bit bigger." He gently closed the big book, and there was a hint of haste and embarrassment in his expression. "I suppose," said the priest, eager to change the subject, "that these spears and all were brought from India?" "Everywhere," replied the doctor. "Putnam's a veteran. As far as I know, he's been to Mexico, Australia, and Cannibal Island." "I hope he didn't learn to cook on Cannibal Island," Brown said, his eyes flicking over the saucepans and oddly shaped cutlery on the wall. Said Cao Cao Cao Cao arrived, a flushed smiling face suddenly poked into the study, it was the cheerful protagonist in their conversation. "Clay, come on," he yelled, "your lunch will be ready soon. And, for those who want to go to church, the bell has already rung." Clay hurried downstairs to change; Dr. Arman and Miss Watson walked silently out into the street, and joined the rest towards the church; Even walked back to the corner to have a look. The priest was a little confused. "There's no way he's been to the dumpster," he said to himself, "at least not in that suit. Did he go earlier today?" In his company Father Brown had always been as sensitive as a thermometer; today he was as dull as a rhinoceros.Whether by strict or implicit social rules, he should not have lingered on while the Anglo-Indian companions were having lunch; It's to avoid embarrassment.His behavior was even more bewildering when he showed no intention of eating lunch.Two nutritionally balanced and exquisite curry eggs, green onion, beans and rice paired with suitable wine were brought to the other two gentlemen, but he just stubbornly repeated that today is his fasting day, and he only ate some bread while eating. He took another sip of the cold water, and never touched the water glass again.But his interest in talking was very intense. "Let me tell you what I'm going to do for you," he yelled, "—I'll make you a salad! I can't eat it, but I'll make it! Some lettuce first." "Unfortunately this is all we have left," replied the good-natured colonel. "You must know that the mustard, vinegar, oil, and other spices have all been stolen along with the cruet." "I know," Brown replied ambiguously, "that's what worries me so much about carrying a dressing shaker with me. I really like salads." Then, under the surprised eyes of the other two, he took out a can of pepper from his vest pocket and put it on the table. "I don't know why the thief took the mustard, too," he went on, taking the mustard bottle from another pocket. "I guess it must be to make mustard paste. Then vinegar"--and took out the bottle of seasoning--"I seem to have heard about the functions of vinegar and brown paper, but I don't know if it will work? As for oil? , I think I should be on the left—” Father Brown stopped nagging suddenly. He looked up and saw Doctor Aman in black standing on the lawn under the sun, looking into the house calmly, and no one else noticed it obviously.Before he could fully compose himself, Clay cut in. "You're a weirdo," he said, staring at the priest. "If your sermon is as interesting as your behavior, I'll go and listen to it." His voice was a little strange, and he leaned back in the chair as he spoke. "Oh, there's a sermon in the cruet, too," said Father Brown gravely. "Have you ever heard of a mustard seed of faith? Or of divine anointing mercy? As for vinegar, will anyone ever forget that lonely Soldiers? When the sky turns dark—" Colonel Clay leaned forward a little and grabbed the tablecloth. Father Brown, who was concentrating on making a salad, poured two spoonfuls of mustard into the water glass beside him, stood up suddenly, and said loudly in an unfamiliar tone: "Drink it!" At the same time, the doctor standing in the garden ran in and opened a window suddenly: "Do you need my help? Is he poisoned?" "Almost," Brown said, with a half-smile, as the emetic took effect quickly.Clay lay on the canvas chair, panting with difficulty.Fortunately, he is still alive. Major Putnam jumped up with a complicated look on his purple face. "It's a crime!" he roared hoarsely. "I'm going to call the police!" The priest could hear him yank the palm-leaf hat off its hook and rush out the front door; he heard the garden gate slam shut.But he just stood there looking at Clay, and after a moment's silence he said calmly: "I won't tell you much. But I'll tell you what you want to know. You're not cursed at all. That monkey temple is either a coincidence or a hoax, a hoax set by a white man .There is only one weapon that can bleed at the touch of a feather: a razor in the hand of a white man.There is only one way to fill a room with an irresistible invisible poison:Turn the gas valve— —a white man's crime. And there's only one kind of stick that can be thrown out of a room, circling in the air and flying into the next room: the Australian boomerang. You can find some of these in the Major's study." After speaking, he walked out of the room and talked to the doctor for a while.After that he saw Miss Watson come back, and she hurried into the room and dropped to her knees beside Clay's chair.He couldn't make out what they were saying, but the expressions on their faces were surprise rather than worry.The doctor and the priest walked slowly towards the garden gate. "I think the major loves her too," said the priest with a sigh.When the other party nodded, he commented: "Doctor, you are very generous, and you have done a good deed. But, what made you suspicious?" "A small thing," said Aman, "but it made me uneasy for a long time in church. Fortunately, I came back and found that nothing happened. The book on his desk was about poisons, and it was there. The page on an Indian poison, which, though highly poisonous and almost non-existent, can be cured by one of the most common emetics. I suppose he read this at the last moment— " "And remembered that he had that emetic in his spice shaker," said Father Brown, "yes, so he threw the shaker in the dustbin—that's where I found them and other silver, He used them as a cover to look like it was stolen. But if you look at the pepper shaker I had on the table there was a little hole in it from a Cray bullet and the pepper leaked came out, so the criminal sneezed." There was a silence.Dr. Amman said coldly: "It took long enough for the major to go to the police." "Or the police are looking for the major?" said the priest. "Good-bye, then."