Chapter 4 Chapter 04 The Seeker

In front of him was a white wall.There is also a white wall behind.There are white walls on the left and right.There are also white walls above and below. Since when have I been alone in this white room?No matter where you turn, there is always a video of an event playing on the wall. How many times have I re-watched it?Ahh, starting all over again... A middle school student with a red nose and a pattering walk. — the day it started. I walked hunched up in a ball in the cold wind, and a tennis club member running in short-sleeved shorts passed me from behind.I'm going to cram and these guys are going to sprint to the station and pass me in no time.I didn't do anything wrong, but on the way home, somehow guilty, I hunched even more, didn't meet anyone's eyes, stared at the toes of my shoes and slowly picked up my pace.Although I have nothing to do when I go back...

bad enough.After I went to middle school, I really went home.After the new year, it is even worse.which aspect?Relationships, especially with teachers.Why are the consultant teachers of the association, the teachers of the cram school, and the class tutors picking on my faults!Because of this, I feel that even my classmates have started to look down on me recently. The people who ate bento with me were two otaku classmates who like trains and H-games.After being punished for the first time in the class, only those two people talked to me well, so there was nothing I could do about it.Even so, they are not friendly, and are not interested in anything other than what they like.My word was someone talking to me so I just answered.It's better than being alone.But the girls in the class would feel so ashamed to see me with them.

Don't want to go to school.But because of this reason, I don't want to go to school, so I can't tell my mother anyway.If I say so, my mother will be very disappointed.I am still far from my mother's expectations in this way.Mom expects me to be a master, like her brother, Uncle Koji. My mother always proudly told relatives and neighbors that I was "kind". What exactly is "kindness"?It would be fine if I did some volunteering, but I don't remember anything I've done to be called "kind."Since there is nothing to praise, it can only be fooled by the term "kindness".In that case, it would be better not to praise.I don't like being at the bottom, but I'm not upset that I can't be number one.

I grew up being praised for being smart and athletic.Although our place is in the countryside, the number of students in elementary school is not small.When I was in the third grade, I realized that it was just my mother's expectation. In fact, I tried my best to be at the upper-middle level. Even so, my mother still framed the only certificate I got in elementary school and hung it in the living room to praise everyone who came to the house.It was when I participated in a calligraphy competition in the third grade and won the third prize.I remember the word "election" written in hiragana.The class teacher at that time praised and said: "It's a very simple word."

After entering middle school, my mother stopped boasting like this, and began to talk about "kindness" all day long.But what I hate more is that my mother writes letters to the school every now and then.I discovered this after the first semester midterm exam. The class guide, Mr. Moriguchi, announced the top three students in the class meeting.Those three people seem to be very good at reading.While clapping my hands, I thought they were amazing, and I was not reconciled, because I was not at their level.Mizuki, who lives nearby, came second, and I told my mother about it during dinner.She didn't seem interested, so she just replied, "Oh, that's it." But it wasn't.

A few days later I came across discarded draft letters in the trash can in the living room. "The era of emphasizing individual personality has arrived, but there are still teachers who go against the grain and only praise those who have good grades in front of all students. This makes me very disturbed." I knew immediately that this was a letter of complaint directed at Moriguchi.I immediately took the letter paper to the kitchen to protest with my mother. "Mom, don't write such letters to the school. Isn't it like I'm jealous of others because I can't study?"

My mother said softly after hearing this: "Oh, what is Xiaozhi talking about? What is jealousy? Mom didn't say that you can't rank. It's just a protest against the announcement of the exam rank. Are only students who do well in the exam special? Are they the only ones who are outstanding? No How about this? But did the teacher rank the kind students? Did he rank the students who cleaned carefully? And then announced it in front of everyone? That’s all Mom wants to say.” It's unbearable to be so serious.Although I am serious and reasonable, if my grades are good, my mother will not write this kind of letter.She just feels disappointed.

Since then, every time my mother boasted about how "kind" I was, I felt so miserable.Miserable, miserable, miserable.... A crisp bell sounded behind me, and I stopped, and a female classmate in the same class rode a bicycle and quickly passed me from behind.Not long ago, he would say to me, "Xiao Zhi, goodbye".I walked forward again, took out the cell phone that was not ringing from my pocket, and pretended to read a text message; I sniffed exaggeratedly when I clearly didn't have a cold. Suddenly someone patted me on the back. It is Watanabe of the same class. "Hey, Shimomura, are you free today? I have a very good film, do you want to watch it?"

Scared me.He sat next to me after changing seats in February, but barely spoke.We were not in the same primary school, nor did we do errands or day students together. And Watanabe is the kind of person I'm not very good at dealing with.The structure of his brain is completely different from mine.I don't go to cram school, and I almost get full marks in the exams. During the summer vacation, I participated in the national science exhibition and won a prize.But that's not the only thing I can't deal with. Watanabe is usually alone most of the time.Most of the time in the morning and break time I read difficult books, and I didn’t participate in club activities after class, so I left school immediately.Although the situation is very similar to the recent me, the decisive difference is that he does not feel sorry for himself.

It's not that I don't have friends, but that I have to avoid everyone.It's like the feeling of "who can bear to associate with a stupid person".I can't handle it.Somehow reminds me of Uncle Koji. But the boys in the class think Watanabe is a powerful figure.There are fools who try to curry favor with him by saying strange flattery.This is not because he is good at his homework, and everyone will not think that kind of thing is great.He has the ability to remove 90% of the mosaic part of the small movie.Anyway, it seems to be very clear. I also want to watch this kind of rumors, but a person who can't even talk can't suddenly ask him to "lend me to watch a short movie", right?

Even so, Watanabe took the initiative to talk to me.What exactly is going on? "Why do you ask me?" Maybe you are playing tricks on me.Maybe the rest of the class was hiding and peeking at my reaction and making fun of it.I looked around with that in mind, but no one was looking at us. "I wanted to chat with you before. But I never had the chance. Shimomura, you seem to be quite capable, which is quite enviable." Watanabe smiled a little embarrassedly as he said that.Although the expression was a bit awkward, it was the first time I saw his smiling face. And he said he envied me?Only I envy Watanabe, and I can't imagine that he would envy me. "why?" "Everyone seems to think that I can only study. It feels a bit embarrassing to be working hard." "Really? I didn't think so..." "No, I really failed. In contrast, you observed everyone easily in the first semester, and your grades suddenly improved by leaps and bounds in the second semester." "That's nothing, it's not as good as you at all." "But you haven't done your best yet. It's so handsome." handsome?me?Never in my life have I been told that by a boy, girl, or even my mother.For some reason, my heart was pounding, and my cheeks began to heat up. Although my grades started to improve after I went to cram school during the summer vacation, I was already at my limit before that.The teacher in the cram school was angry, and I was punished for it. Anyway, no matter how hard I tried, it was at most above average level. I gave up last month. But when Watanabe said this, I felt that I still have room for improvement.Maybe he is the only one who sees through the essence that even I didn't realize. I really want to be good friends with Watanabe. Watanabe's "research room" is in an old one-story house by the river, and this is the second time I've been here.This time I took the carrot biscuits made by my mother.On the latest big-screen TVs, there are images of zombies transformed into biological weapons prowling the night city in groups. Although Watanabe is interested in removing the mosaics of small movies, he doesn't seem to be interested in the content, and seems to have a sense of physical disgust.I also saw it once. I thought it was an ordinary pornographic scene, but suddenly a boxing ring appeared, and a naked blonde beauty started a wrestling match. The disgusting mess made me lose my appetite. So just watch normal movies.I went to the movie rental shop in front of the station and rented a foreign sci-fi horror movie.My stay-at-home mom wouldn't let me watch movies with shootouts.But this is beautiful.The handsome heroine shoots the zombie army with a machine gun, which is really cool. "That's great~~ I want to try it too." I couldn't help but blurted out.I turned to Watanabe to see if he heard. "Then do you have anyone you want to teach?" Watanabe said so. "lesson?" I asked back, but Watanabe just said, "Let's talk after watching," and continued watching the movie.Does he mean if I were the protagonist of the movie, who would I teach?I also turned my attention back to the film.The zombie, which should have been crushed by the machine gun, stood up unsteadily again.This would be horrific if it were real. As a result, the protagonist did not defeat the zombie horde.Looks like there's a sequel. "What if the streets are full of zombies?" I asked Watanabe while eating the carrot biscuits my mother made.He stood up suddenly and took something out of the desk drawer.Black coin purse. "Is that the scary anti-theft wallet?" "Yes. In fact, it was successfully upgraded not long ago, but it has not been tested yet. Do you want to check it out in Shimomura?" I shook my head exaggeratedly. "Just kidding. This thing is used to teach bad people, so I think bad people should also be used as experiments." Watanabe said and put the wallet in front of me.No matter how you look at it, it's just an ordinary zippered small wallet. "Can this be used as a lesson?" "If you touch the pull tab of the zipper, you will get an electric shock. It will make people scream and fall to the ground in fright. Don't you want to see the bad guys in such a mess?" "Think about it. Who do you want to teach?" "That's right, because I can't handle things with ease, I think everyone is a bad person....Why don't you go to the village and choose?" "I choose?" I couldn't help but ask back.But so excited.Bad guys can be taught a lesson with the tool Watanabe invented.The target is my choice.Isn't this like the protagonist of a movie?Watanabe is a doctor, and I am an assistant. I want to break my head.Not my enemy, but our enemy.This is the teacher.Always a great virtuous fellow. "How's Tokura?" "It's not bad...I don't want to have anything to do with that guy." It was rejected immediately.Then mentor.A guy who puts his own kids above his students. "Then Moriguchi." "Well——I tried it on her once... there's no way to trick her twice in the same way." Rejected again.Now I can't figure it out.Watanabe sighed lightly, as if feeling bored, he began to play with the tools on the table. Maybe he regrets asking me to join him.If the person I choose is not to his liking, this plan may be scrapped.No, instead of voiding it, find someone else and make fun of me with that person. ——That guy really can't do it.It doesn't work at all. I don't want to be so miserable.tragic…….The swimming pool is cold and dirty in winter.It was miserable cleaning there by myself.I was absolutely right.I don't hate cleaning, but I hate being seen being punished for cleaning.So I immediately hid in the locker room when there were people.But the person who came was... correct.How is that kid? "Hey, what about Moriguchi's children? Teach the guy who values ​​his children more than students. Isn't this a good opportunity?" Watanabe stopped his hand playing with the tools. "This is good. Although I haven't seen it, she seems to bring children to school from time to time." Watanabe is clearly interested.I mentally make a triumphant fist gesture.Passed the first level.In order to make myself more useful, I told Watanabe that I saw Moriguchi's daughter wanting to buy a small cotton bunny bag at the shopping mall, but Moriguchi didn't buy it for her. "I see. The power can be enhanced if it is the size of a flannel bag. Shimomura, you are really powerful, as I expected. Thanks to you, it seems that it will be more fun than I imagined." "Then hurry up and buy it. It'll be bad if it's sold out!" We rode our bicycles to the shopping center on Zhenwai Road. The special hypermarket for the holidays is crowded with people.Four days until Valentine's Day.I headed towards the target booth among Obasan and the female high school students. "This, this. Great, it's the last one, which made me anxious." I smoothed out my messy hair and showed Watanabe my little flannel bag in the shape of a small cotton bunny. "The last one, we are so lucky." Watanabe said.That's right, if it's sold out, wouldn't our plan go to waste?The last one, luck is on our side. We each bought small bags with half of our pocket money, and went to the hamburger restaurant on the second floor for a battle meeting. "How is the scary anti-theft wallet made?" I asked while eating a burger. "It's easy. First use the tab part of the zipper as a switch like this." Watanabe explained the arrangement of French fries on the tray, and I couldn't understand it at all. "Do you understand what I'm saying?" "Ah, um, that's how it is—. It's quite simple." I didn't want to disappoint Watanabe, so I just replied to him like this, as if I really understood a little bit. And it was such a pleasure to be here with him.My second sister and I have been to this burger restaurant many times, but this is the first time with my classmates.When I was in elementary school, I yearned for the junior high school students and high school students who gathered here.My dream has finally come true.Compared with the people around us, the content of our conversation is much more in-depth, and it is a secret combat meeting. "Why did that kid go to the swimming pool?" Watanabe asked while stacking the French fries.It's time for me to act. "She went to feed the dog. Didn't the family across the fence have a black one?" "Oh, that shaggy dog?" "Yes. She hid the bread under her clothes and fed it to the dog." "Hey, so she will feed the dog. What about the people who live in that house?" "It's been a week since I saw it. Maybe I went on a trip? It's best to make sure." "How can you be sure?" "Right! How about throwing a baseball in there and pretending to pick it up over the fence and into the yard?" Ideas kept popping up in my head.This is the first time.Watanabe is in charge of invention, and I am in charge of combat.I am no longer Watanabe's assistant, but his partner. I suggested to Watanabe "how about this method". ①I will investigate first so that no one will hinder me. ②Meet Watanabe and wait for the children in the locker room. ③When the child arrives, I will talk to her first (because Watanabe's smile is a little unnatural). ④Watanabe hung a small flannel bag around her neck (saying that she was asked by her mother to buy it). ⑤ Then I urged her to open it and have a look. "Great." Watanabe said with satisfaction.I imagined the child sitting down on the ground in fright, and I couldn't help but laugh. "Will that child cry? Watanabe, what do you think?" Watanabe smiled at me who couldn't stop laughing. "I won't cry." "Huh—I think I'm going to cry. By the way, let's make a bet. Whoever loses will get a hamburger next time here. How?" "OK." Let's toast with Coke. The boy who sneaked into the swimming pool while looking around. - One week after the start date. Since the morning, no, I've been in high spirits for the past few days.It was probably the first time since middle school that I enjoyed going to school. "How are you getting ready?" After the second get out of class, I secretly asked Watanabe.He replied, "It's absolutely fine." We have been acting separately at school so as not to reveal the plan. I didn't listen to the class at all. In the fifth section of science, I had to fight to keep from laughing when I saw Moriguchi.Time passed in a flash. After school, I went to the swimming pool by myself and looked around to make sure no one was there.Only then did I feel that it was good that no one else was punished. I saw the black dog put its nose through the gap in the fence.There seems to be no one there today.Just to be on the safe side, I took out the ball I picked up from the baseball club activity room from my schoolbag and threw it into the yard.I made a look of "Oh, that's terrible", walked over the fence and walked around the house, went to the gate and rang the doorbell. After waiting for a while, no one answered the door, and it seemed that no one was at home. Very good, everything is OK. I climbed over the fence again to the pool.During this time, the black dog didn't even bark once, whether it was old or stupid. I texted Watanabe that "Operation ① is over," and he arrived within five minutes. "all the best!" I give him a thumbs up. We went into the locker room and hid behind the door.The door wasn't locked.So the battle ② began.The dark, dusty locker room felt like a secret base from when I played as a kid, when I thought I could do anything.No, I can do anything from now on.Just being with Watanabe is fine. I looked at Watanabe.He seemed to be checking the flannel packet for the last time.No matter how you look at it, it's just an ordinary little bag, and it's amazing to be able to use this to give people an electric shock. "Hey, Watanabe, come to my house to play next time. My mother said that she will make a cake, and she must invite you to eat it. My mother seems to be very happy that I can make smart friends. She even wrote to the school to complain. : "How can we rank only based on grades!" As a result, I told her that Watanabe and Watanabe are very good recently, and she said, ah, the classmate who ranked first? I remember it very clearly, and I really lost to her. Hmm , My family can’t compare with Watanabe’s laboratory, but the cakes made by my mother are better than those sold outside. How about this, go to my house after today and ask my mother to make a delicious one. Watanabe, you like fresh cakes Cream or chocolate?" Watanabe said "shh" and put a finger in front of his mouth.I looked out and saw a little girl slipping in through the swimming pool entrance. "Watanabe, that's the kid." We leaned out quietly to observe Moriguchi's daughter. Completely oblivious to us, she crossed the edge of the swimming pool and headed straight for the black dog with its nose poking through the gap in the fence. "Maomao, let's eat." As she spoke, she bent down, took out the bread hidden under the sweater, peeled it open with her hands and fed it to the dog.She watched happily as the black dog wagged its tail and gobbled it up, and the bread was gone in no time. "I will come again." She stood up, brushing the crumbs off her body. I glanced at Watanabe, who nodded.We approached the child slowly.Combat ③ begins.First, I will talk to her. "Hi, are you Little Amy?" Moriguchi's daughter turned around in surprise.I smile at her. "We are students in your mother's class. By the way, we met at the mall before." Everything is going according to plan.The child took turns looking at us with wary eyes. "Do you like dogs? We do too. So I often come here to feed it." Watanabe said.It's not a planned line.But the child showed a happy expression.Seeing her reaction, Watanabe took out the flannel bag hidden behind his back and handed it to her.Enter the battle ④. "Little Cotton Rabbit!" The child cried out.Watanabe showed an unnatural smile, and squatted down to meet the child's gaze. "Mom didn't buy it for you before. Or has she already bought it?" This was originally my line.The child shook his head. "No. Because your mother asked us to buy it. Although it's a bit early, this is a Valentine's Day gift from your mother." Watanabe said and hung the flannel bag around the child's neck. "Give it to me?" A happy smile appeared on the child's face.I don't think she looks like Moriguchi at all, but she smiles exactly the same. "Yes. There are chocolates in it, please open it quickly and take a look." That would have been my key line.It made me a little angry that Watanabe said it outright, but this is not the time to throw a tantrum.It's about to hit the climax.Moriguchi's daughter touched the face of the little cotton bunny made of flannel a few times, and then pulled the zipper. coming!Frightened and fell to the ground! ...but that's not the case at all. At the same time as there was a bang, the child trembled violently, and fell backwards as if in slow motion.Close your eyes and don't move. What happened? ...Is it dead? This thought made me tremble all over, and I hugged Watanabe involuntarily. "What's going on? The kid hasn't moved." Watanabe didn't answer.I looked up slowly and saw him smiling.The satisfied smile from the bottom of my heart is not weird at all.He smiled at me and said: "Go advertise it to others." Hey?What? I asked back.Watanabe waved my hand away as if tossing dust. "Then I'll go first." He turned and walked away. Wait a minute, what is going on! I screamed in my heart, but couldn't make a sound.Watanabe seemed to remember something, stopped and turned around. "Oh, by the way, you don't mind being my accomplice, because I didn't consider you a partner from the beginning. It's clear that you have nothing but self-esteem, and I want this kind of person the most. From the point of view of an inventor like me , you are a failure." Failed works?Failed works?Failed works?Wait, Watanabe, don't leave me! I wanted to run away but couldn't move.Watanabe's voice echoed in his mind, and his eyes were dark. Ah, it's already dark. The sound of the school bell brought me back to my senses.I felt as if I had stood in the dark for hours, but Watanabe had only been walking for about five minutes.I still keep hearing the words Watanabe said before leaving in my mind. He must have been going to kill in the first place.I was taken advantage of.But what did he do with me? ——Go and advertise it to others. Just for this?If I told the police the whole story, Watanabe would be arrested.Does he want me to do this?Does he want to be a murderer?No, Watanabe's words are not impossible.But can I be innocent?And what if Watanabe lied to the police?Say that he doesn't know anything, that I was looking for him, wouldn't that be the end of it? I lowered my head and looked at the face of the little cotton rabbit made of flannel.I saw Moriguchi's daughter wanted to buy this, didn't I?I took the small flannel bag from the neck of the child who was lying on the ground, and threw it far away. Is that all right?Don't you suspect me?Just run away secretly, won't you be caught by the police?No, no.If you die by electrocution, the police will definitely search for the criminal.In that case, it is only a matter of time before Watanabe is arrested.If he betrays me after being arrested... There is no room for indecision.I turned my face away and picked up the child with both hands.Heavier than I thought.I managed to get to the edge of the pool, and it looked like I'd fall if I wasn't careful.Careful not to let my feet touch the dirty water with dead leaves floating on it, I slowly stretched out my hands. No, try not to make a sound. I squatted down slowly, trying to keep my balance.At this moment, the child's body moved slightly, and then she slowly opened her eyes.I screamed involuntarily, and almost let the child fall into the swimming pool. she is alive!she is alive!she is alive! I breathed a sigh of relief and wanted to cry and laugh at the same time. ——You are a failure. Completely relaxed, I heard Watanabe's words again before leaving.Totally underestimate me.He really wanted to be a murderer, so he used me.But the child is still alive.Watanabe's plan fails. fail!fail!The one who failed is clearly you!How stupid to not even notice this? Should I meet the eyes of Moriguchi's daughter who is slowly regaining consciousness, or should I let go first?I left the swimming pool without looking back, and my feet no longer trembled. I succeeded in doing what Watanabe failed. A young man who wakes up refreshed. ——The day after the incident. I went downstairs to the kitchen, and my mother, who was making bacon scrambled eggs, said, "Xiao Zhi, this is incredible," and turned around and spread out this morning's newspaper on the dining table.A little below the center of the local edition, there is a small headline. Four-year-old child accidentally stumbles and dies while feeding dog near swimming pool Slip and die.It has been reported.I read the reports and it was completely regarded as an accident.It was such a success. "Mr. Moriguchi is really miserable. But he brought the child to school, really. What should I do in class? The final exam is coming soon... By the way, Xiao Zhi, let's not talk about that." From the sideboard Mom took a box wrapped in red wrapping paper and tied with a gold ribbon, and placed it on the open newspaper.Reports on Moriguchi's daughter were completely suppressed. "Chocolate for Valentine's Day." I showed a happy smile to my smiling mother. The second sister is not at home this year, so this is probably the only chocolate.Even though I thought so, when I went to school, I found the chocolates from Mitsuki in the shoebox. "Always be taken care of by your second sister" human chocolate.I gratefully accept. "Xiao Zhi, did you see the newspaper?" Mizuki asked suddenly, I almost dropped the chocolate. "How miserable!" I replied so ambiguously.It is not particularly noisy when entering the classroom.Everyone is talking about the accident. It seems that the guys who stayed at school to participate in club activities are all looking for a daughter for Moriguchi.The discoverer was Hoshino from our class, and several other people also saw the corpse, and everyone discussed it vigorously.Although some people were crying, most of them looked a little excited.In the beginning, it was an exchange of information with each other, but later it became a show off meeting. I was standing at the door watching this scene when suddenly someone grabbed my wrist and dragged me into the hallway.It's Watanabe. "Why meddle in your own business!" Watanabe asked me with a scary face.But I'm not afraid at all, and I still feel like laughing.I tried my best to hold back my smile, shook off Watanabe's hand and said: "Don't talk to me, I'm not your partner. Ah, I didn't tell anyone about what happened yesterday. If you want to promote it, go do it yourself." After I finished speaking, I turned and entered the classroom.I also didn't participate in everyone's boring showing off after I sat down.I opened the novel silently.This is a classic reasoning work recommended by Uncle Gongzhi in the past.I am not who I was yesterday. Because I accomplished what Watanabe failed.But I don't want to spread the word like him.Moriguchi's child died accidentally.If it is found to be murder, the murderer will also be Watanabe.Judging from the appearance just now, he really wanted to be a murderer.So if the police come to the school, I think he will turn himself in. How stupid.Obviously failed.When I think about it, I feel as if I can change my appearance. Moriguchi returned to school after a week of rest.Regarding this accident, she only said in the small class meeting in the morning that she was sorry to have rested for so long.It's like taking a break from a cold. If I die, my mother will be bedridden, or insane!Maybe suicide will follow me.But our class teacher is so ordinary that people can't help but feel sorry for her.On the contrary, I feel that it is really a pity. Watanabe probably felt the same way.Seeing Moriguchi's depression, Watanabe snickered to himself with satisfaction, and I laughed at him in my heart.That's how it should have been. Even so, the class was very enjoyable. The teachers seem to treat everyone equally, but they are not.I don't know if it's to save face for the students, or to make the lecture go smoothly (I think it's probably the latter), I ask the smart students all the difficult questions. Watanabe always answered questions nonchalantly.Even if the teacher praised him, he still had an expression of indifference.His ease was more exaggerated than before, and it seemed to me more ridiculous. His expression seemed to be saying that it is natural to be able to solve this kind of problem, and I have done something even more remarkable!He didn't know that he had failed, and it was me who succeeded. I think the questions that the teacher asked Watanabe recently are very simple.In fact, I got all the quizzes on difficult Chinese characters right last week, and the teacher praised me. It shouldn't be a problem if this continues, right?You may not be able to do anything about the final exam this semester, but next time you will do better than Watanabe, right?I deeply feel that, somehow the guys in the classroom all look stupid. I couldn't help but feel sad. The boy who spoke in a trembling voice. ——One month after the incident. Moriguchi came home.The final exam on the last day is over, and I have already gone home. The class guide called me on the mobile phone in the afternoon and said, "I have something to talk to you at the swimming pool." was found.It must have been the accident.My heart was beating wildly, and my hand holding the phone was shaking.Be calm, be calm....The culprit is Watanabe.I might not be able to keep my cool if I go to the school pool, so I ask the head teacher to come home. "Watanabe..." I blurted out asking before cutting off the phone. "I just talked to him." The head teacher answered quietly.I sighed in relief.it's okay no problem.The culprit is Watanabe, and I was just accidentally involved. Moriguchi's sudden family visit surprised Mom.I said I hope my mother will be there.If it was my mother, I would definitely listen to me carefully.In this case, it is better to let her be together, my mother will definitely believe me and help me. "After Shimomura went to middle school, what do you usually think about?" Moriguchi asked.Although it had nothing to do with the accident, I still told the truth.Things about the tennis club, things about the cram school, surrounded by high school students at the video game playground, the teacher didn't come to pick me up, why should I be punished even though I was clearly the victim, this is really tragic. The head teacher has been silent. "What did Shimomura do to Aimi?" When I finished talking and was drinking black tea, her quiet voice of suppressing emotions sounded in the living room.I also quietly put down the teacup.It was mother who cried out suddenly.She had no idea what part I was playing, and she was already getting agitated.I must have been used by Watanabe, definitely the victim. I told Moriguchi the truth.From the day he called me after school, to the day when I picked up Moriguchi's daughter by the pool, I said it all.Being betrayed by Watanabe made my teeth itch with hatred, and tears flowed out.Then finally I lied. This is 80% consistent with what Watanabe said to her before.Moriguchi didn't interrupt from beginning to end.She remained silent when I was done, staring somewhere on the table, her hands clasped in her lap.She is very angry.Pitiful. Mom didn't speak either. "Mom Shimomura." After about five minutes, Moriguchi finally spoke.She looked directly at her mother. "As a mother, I can't wait to kill Watanabe and Shimomura. But I am also a teacher. Tell the police the truth. Although it is an adult's duty to let the murderer get the punishment he deserves, teachers are also obliged to protect students. Now that the police have It was determined to be an accident, and I have no intention of overturning the case even now." I was taken aback.She didn't even call the police.Mom was silent for another moment, then said, "Thank you very much," bowing her head deeply to Moriguchi.I bowed my head too.That way you'll be fine. I sent Moriguchi to the entrance with my mother.She didn't look at me at all.It's okay for her to be angry, and I don't care much. A boy with a livid face and lowered head sitting on the seat. – One week after the home visit. Spring break starts tomorrow.After milk time, Moriguchi said he was resigning.Honestly I was relieved.Even if Watanabe was the murderer, as long as she thinks I'm an accomplice, going to school every day will still make people feel restless. "Is that why you resigned because of that?" Mizuki asked.That incident, of course, refers to the accident.It's really talkative, I want to be speechless, but the head teacher seems to have planned it that way, and started talking non-stop. The reason for being a teacher, the matter of persuading the world to be a teacher.Whatever it is, it's over soon. Then there's the talk of trust, cell phone texts, nasty jokes.If the male students from class 2 come to look for them, let the tutor from class 1 go?Is it too late to talk about this now? Single mother, AIDS, daughter drowned in swimming pool.I felt as if my neck was slowly being strangled. "Shimomura-san, who came shopping with his family, just saw it." The sudden mention of my name made me feel nauseous.The milk I just drank seems to be back in my throat.she said while I was swallowing. "Amy's death was not an accident, she was killed by the students in this class." I was suddenly pushed from behind into the cold, dirty swimming pool.Can't breathe.Can't look around.Can't touch the bottom.No matter how hard you struggle, you can't reach anything... I fell into delusions, and my eyes were dark, but not to the point of passing out.What is Moriguchi going to say!I took a deep breath to calm down. Then I finally noticed the atmosphere around me and couldn't help shivering.Everyone stared at Moriguchi.Even the eyes of the guys who seem to be bored listening to this are shining. But Moriguchi began to talk about juvenile law and the "Lunaxi incident".I had no idea what she was going to say, I just found it more and more difficult to breathe.That's the end of it, okay?My expectations were immediately dashed.She started talking about the child's funeral.I was surprised that the father of the child who gave up marriage because of AIDS was Master Quan Shixian. Therefore, Master Quan Shixian died soon because of the onset of AIDS.I still have time to think about these things.I can also experience the feeling of picking up a child, the involuntary grip of my hands on the edge of the desk.要是那个小孩也感染爱滋的话，说不定会传染到我呢。 隔壁班好像下课了，传来椅子移动的声音。森口好像也注意到了。很好，二班也可以下课了。 “想离开的人都可以走了。” 大概是我的祈祷应验了吧，班导望着大家这么说。只要有一个人离开我也打算趁势就走，但是没有人要走。 森口确认之后再度开言道： “从现在起我们把这两个犯人称为A和B吧。” 说着她开始讲少年A。她那种讲法任谁一听都晓得就是渡边。大家都偷偷地瞥他就是证据。班导故意这样引起大家的兴趣。 然后说到少年B了。内容跟家庭访问的时候几乎一样。那时候一言不发地听我说，现在却在大家面前若无其事地讥笑我。并非只要努力就做得到，而是根本无法努力做到。说什么屁话？但现在不是为这个生气的时候。已经完蛋了。 这次轮到大家偷偷瞥我了。有人脸上带着嘲讽的笑容，也有人轮流看着我跟旁边的渡边。用轻蔑的眼光瞪着我，还有人露出明显的憎恶。 我会被杀！我会被杀！我会被杀！ 去电玩游乐场被处罚，大家只是不理我而已。但是杀人的共犯一定会被杀。可是坏人是渡边，我是受害者啊。犯人是渡边、我是受害者。犯人是渡边，我是受害者。犯人是渡边、我是受害者。我在脑中好像念咒似地重复这句话。 “要是渡、呃、要是A再杀人怎么办呢？” 小川突然这么问。这家伙乐在其中呢。 “说A还会杀人是误会了。” 我的身体一下子沉到水底。 森口断言：“杀人的是B（也就是我）。”那种程度的电流不会死人。爱美只是昏过去而已。 was found.她来家庭访问的时候就已经知道了。虽然她好像没发觉我是故意的，但那无关紧要。人是我杀的，这个事实并没有改变。 大家都在看我。渡边是什么表情呢？我已经没有余力确认然后嘲笑他了。我会就这样被警察逮捕吗？不，应该不会吧。她说不想把处罚委交法律。那是什么意思啊？ 我慢慢看不见四周了。我掉进的不是游泳池，而是无底的泥沼。我从脚底慢慢陷入，班导的声音静静在我耳边响起。 “我把今天早上抽的血混入两人的牛奶里了。不是我的血。我偷偷让两人喝的，不是希望他们都能成为好孩子的'劝世鲜师'，樱宫正义老师指甲缝里的污垢，而是他的血……” 劝世鲜师的血、牛奶里加了爱滋的血？我全部喝完了。这意味着什么，脑筋不好的我也能充分了解。 死、死、死、死、死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死……我要死了。 我的身体完完全全陷入冰冷肮脏的泥沼中。 在房间茫然望着窗外天空的少年。——复仇之后。 春假。我每天都关在自己的房间里，望着窗外的天空。 我想从泥沼底部爬出来，逃得远远地到干净的地方去。到没人认识我的地方去。要是能在那里重新开始的话多好啊。 蓝天上的白色飞机云延伸到远方。到底延伸到哪里呢？我这么想着，脑中浮现了一段话。 “内心软弱的人会伤害比自己更软弱的人。那被伤害的人除了忍耐或寻死之外就别无选择了吗？没有这种事。你们生活的这个世界并没有如此狭隘。现在这个地方活不下去的话，到别处避难不就好了吗？我是这么想的。逃到安全场所并不丢脸。我希望你们相信这广阔的世界绝对有自己的安身之处。” 说这种话的，没错，自然是劝世鲜师。几个月前在电视上说的。在这种情况下想起来，真是讽刺。就算我从这里逃出去，一个中学生要怎么活下去呢？在哪睡觉吃什么呢？会有人给逃家的中学生饭吃吗？有地方肯雇用我工作吗？现在这世道一文不名要怎样活下去呢？到头来大人只能从大人的观点来衡量小孩的世界。 “我在你们这个年纪，成天都离家出走，跟同伴在一起鬼混。虽然如此我从来没想过要死。……因为有同伴在。” 那是你们那个时代的事吧。现在可不一样了。根本没人要同伴，而且这种玩意本来就不存在。到头来我能活的地方只有这个家。爸爸工作、妈妈守护的这个家。我唯一的安身之处。 爸妈要是感染爱滋病毒可该怎么办啊？那样的话比我先发病，早早死掉的话，我也活不下去了。 绝对不能感染他们。 这是不得不在泥沼中生存的我，人生最后的目标。 活在泥沼中的我成天都在流眼泪。但不是因为难过才流泪。 早上醒来，首先因为今天自己还活着而喜悦流泪。拉开房间的窗帘，沐浴在阳光下，什么也没做就可以因为新的一天开始而流泪。 妈妈做的饭菜好吃到让我流眼泪。我还能在摆满了我喜欢的菜的餐桌旁吃几次饭呢？这么想就泪流满面。为了纪念我诞生到这个世界上，吃了一口以前讨厌的最中饼，竟然好吃到我眼泪都流出来了。为什么我之前都没想过要吃呢？ 听到大姐怀孕的时候，新生命诞生的感动让我流泪。虽然想直接跟一直都对我非常温柔的大姐说：“恭喜你，”但我只能自己一人流着眼泪，暗暗祈祷小宝宝健康地生下来。 但是我并不讨厌这样的自己。想到自己大限将至，虽然充满了恐惧，但我觉得每天都过得比以前充实多了。 我希望这样的日子能一直持续下去。 春假结束了。 我升上国中二年级，虽然知道这是义务教育我非得去上学不可，但我没办法去学校。我是杀人凶手。去学校的话班上同学一定会制裁我。那些家伙一定会毫不留情地狠狠欺负我。总有一天会被杀。我不能去那种地方。 此外我还担心一件事。妈妈会让我就这样不去上学吗？从开学当天起我就装病，但应该已经撑不下去了吧！妈妈是会生气还是哭呢？两种我都讨厌，但是我绝对没办法老实跟她说我不能去上学的原因。 要是妈妈知道事件全部真相的话…… 我把渡边杀害的森口女儿的尸体扔进了游泳池。只是这样妈妈就已经非常震惊了。要是她知道其实杀害小孩的是我，而且是蓄意的话……要是她知道我成为恐怖复仇的对象，感染了爱滋病毒的话…… 她一定会发狂吧。而且要是被断绝亲子关系怎么办。我最怕的就是被赶出这个家。那对我而言跟死了没两样。 然后妈妈到我房间来了。 出乎我意料她没有逼我去上学，只是拜托我去一次医院。说只要诊断出有心病，就可以慢慢休息。 我生病了吗？ 要是去医院被发现我感染了怎么办？要是妈妈知道了怎么办？我担心得要命。但要是情况不妙的话逃走就好了。总比被迫去上学然后被杀掉要好。 结果我根本不用担心，医生很简单地就开了诊断书。叫做什么“自律神经失调症”的病。我根本搞不懂。但是全国好像有很多患了这种病不去上学的国中生。听到这话妈妈似乎颇能认同，不知怎地露出满意的样子。总之这样一来就可以放心不去上学了。我松了一口大气。 离开医院后我重新环顾四周。早上出门的时候很紧张所以没想到，其实这是自从那天以来我第一次出门。我对自己能够正常呼吸感到很惊讶。说不定我虽然不能去学校，但是可以出门呢！ 我仿佛试探般地把头探出泥沼外，深深吸了一口气，突然瞥见车站前汉堡店的招牌。那个我一瞬间以为渡边是伙伴的讨厌连锁店。 “吃点什么好吃的再回家吧。” 妈妈这么说。我说：“想吃速食店的汉堡。”虽然这也是为了不要散播病毒，但其实有更重大的赌注。 就算不是在购物中心，只要能顺利熬过汉堡店，就能从泥沼里爬出来。 我成天只担心自己会死，在看见汉堡店招牌之前，根本完全忘了渡边。话说回来他怎么样了呢？一定自己一个人关在那间没人住的老房子的“研究室”里，吓得屁滚尿流吧！想到渡边那种样子我觉得蛮愉快的。他是自作自受。我想着，大口咬下汉堡。 就在此时有什么东西溅到我脚边。 是牛奶！牛奶、牛奶、牛奶……隔壁桌的母女二人……是森口跟她女儿！ 她们找上我了。用力把我从泥沼中探出来的头压下去了。Stop!Stop!快住手……我的头再度沉入泥沼中。她们无时无刻不在监视我。不让我从泥沼里出来。泥浆灌进我嘴里。 我冲到洗手间去把泥浆吐出，同时也吐掉了渡边的身影。 从窗帘缝隙间偷看来访者的少年。——复仇之后的两个月。 从去医院以后我就没法出门了。我想在家中过着平静的生活。最能安心的地方就是不用害怕会散播病毒的自己的房间。 我每天在网路上看漫画，自己想象漫画的后续情节，用妈妈替我买的日记本写日记。虽然打扫很烦，但其实总比成天无所事事要轻松。 就在这时候那些家伙出现了。叫做寺田的新任班导跟美月。他们带了各科目的影印笔记来。妈妈请他们到客厅，就在我房间的正下方。他们讲什么我听得一清二楚。妈妈对着寺田大肆说森口的坏话。 “伯母，直树的事就交给我吧。” 我听见寺田自信满满地这么说，几乎忍不住要大叫。 不要管我！ 我吞下几乎要冲口而出的话，突然感到非常不安。 老师都不能信任。他绝对是装出亲切的样子要骗我去学校，然后让大家杀掉我。寺田搞不好是森口的学生，他们可能是一伙的。他说不定装出担心的样子到家里来观察情况，然后去跟森口报告。美月也不能信任。曾经有谣传说她是老师的眼线呢。森口虽然复了仇，但觉得那样果然不够，还是计划现在就要杀了我也说不定。他要是来探路的该怎么办啊！妈妈好像很喜欢寺田。要是他讨了妈妈欢心，上楼到我房间来该怎么办啊！我会被杀的。对了，妈妈说了好多森口的坏话，要是他去转告该怎么办啊！ “没神经的臭老太婆，不要随便胡说八道！” 妈妈很高兴地到我房间来，我对她大吼还拿字典丢她。妈妈完全愣住了。我第一次用这种反抗的态度对她。关上门我哭了。但是除此之外我想不出该怎么保护自己。 寺田每个星期都跟美月一起来。每次我都陷入恐惧之中。妈妈没再让他们进家里来，但也没叫他们不要来。这到底要持续到什么时候呢！ 我害怕离开房间。就算关在房间里，我也觉得森口、寺田、美月，甚至连网球社的顾问户仓都站在外面，吓得我魂不守舍。 大家都想杀掉我。 要是我在网路上看漫画被发现了，就会被杀。要是森口的话，八成可以立刻逮到我在哪里上网吧！要是寺田在客厅装了窃听器该怎么办！森口绝对不会原谅一面说“好吃”一面吃饭的我。 我被监视了。 什么事也不能做。我关在自己的房间里，茫然望着墙壁。白色的墙壁上映出那次事件的影像。虽然想别开视线，但好像有人不允许。 这一定是森口的怨恨作祟。 整天望着墙壁的生活。星期几、现在几点都搞不清楚。吃东西也都没有味道。虽然害怕死亡，却没有活着的感觉。 我到底是不是还活着呢？ 在镜中看见很久不见的自己。不忍卒睹的肮脏样子。但这是“活着”的证明。头发在长长。指甲在长长。污垢堆积在皮肤表面。I'm alive.眼泪流出来了。停不下来。 我还活着、我还活着、我还活着！ 长头发跟长指甲，以及肮脏的样子，就是我活着的证明。遮住眼睛耳朵的头发也遮住了我的表情、替我抵挡了那些家伙，然后告诉我，我还活着。 生命的源头不是心脏，而是头发。 茫然望着黑色物体的少年。——复仇之后约四个月。 我从全身动弹不得般的睡眠中醒来，枕头旁边散落着黑色物体。 what is this? ... 我晃晃沉重的头，伸手拿起来看。黑色物体用手一搓就散开成丝状掉落。我恐惧地摸上自己的头，手直接碰到耳朵。 头发没了……。这是我的头发。我的头发，我的命！我的命！我的命！ 泥沼的底部开始溶解。我的身体慢慢沉下去。泥浆灌进我的眼睛鼻子嘴巴。好难受、好难受、无法呼吸。 死、死、死、死、死、死、死、死、死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死……。 我不想死、我不想死、我不想死、我不想死我不想死我不想死我不想死……。 不要、不要、不要、不要、不要不要好可怕好可怕好可怕好可怕好可怕好可怕……。 谁来救我啊……。 我醒来的地方不是天堂。虽然到处一团糟，但的确是我的房间没错。I'm alive.我还在呼吸。我的手脚都可以动。不，我真的还活着吗？ 离开房间下楼，妈妈趴在桌上睡着了。这里果然是我家。我进入浴室，盥洗台上方的镜子映出我的身影。 I see.我之所以没有死是因为活着的证据还留着。 我从抽屉里拿出从小学时代就开始用的电剃刀。直到上中学前头发都是妈妈帮我剃的。我按下开关，剃刀发出闷闷的嗡嗡声。我把剃刀轻轻抵在前额上。刀刃下一点的油腻头发落在脚边。在此同时我心中也消失了一点什么。I see.活着的证据就是死亡的恐惧。这样的话爬出泥沼的方法只有一个……。 这次我用力压下剃刀。静静的震动在我听来就像是生命从我身上流失的声音。 我把头发剃光，接着是剪指甲，然后淋浴把身上的污垢洗掉。我重复用肥皂跟浴巾擦洗，污垢像橡皮擦屑一样掉下来。活着的证据从排水沟流掉了。 我怎么还没死呢？ 活着的证据全部离开了我的身体，但我还在呼吸。我不知道到底是怎么回事。然后我突然想起了几个月以前看过的影片。 Ah, so it is.我变成僵尸了。杀也杀不死的僵尸。而且我的血还是生物兵器。这样的话把镇上的人都变成僵尸的话，一定很好玩。 我用手一个一个摸便利商店架子上陈列的商品。我的手碰到的地方都染上了鲜红的血。 血、血、血、鲜红的血…… 我本来毫无感觉的，望着伤口的时候突然开始感到悸痛。我随手用店里卖的绷带把手包起来。 来接我的是妈妈。妈妈对便利商店的店长和店员不停低头道歉，然后把沾到我的血的商品全买下了。 回家的路上太阳已经西下，但阳光还是强烈得刺眼。我眯起眼睛，一面走一面擦拭脸上的汗水。我觉得死亡的恐惧跟活着的证明都不重要了。卷着绷带的手又痒又痛，肚子也饿了。 真的、真的、好累……。 我瞥向旁边的妈妈。她没有化妆，衣服也跟昨天一样。家长参观日的时候妈妈很在意自己老了，我根本一点都不觉得。妈妈比谁都漂亮。但这是我第一次看见妈妈没化妆。她两手分别提着两个便利商店的袋子，没办法擦拭鼻尖的汗。我死命忍住即将夺眶而出的泪水。 我误会妈妈了。我以为她不会接受不符合她理想的孩子。但是妈妈连变成僵尸的我都接受了。 跟她说实话吧。然后让她带我去警察局。要是妈妈等我的话，就算处罚有点难受我一定都能忍耐。变成杀人凶手的我只要有妈妈在，一定可以重新来过。 但是我不知道该怎样表达现在的心情。直接说出来就好了，但要是被抛弃了怎么办呢？我还是有点不安。 骗——人。 要是情况不妙，我希望能这样说了就跑。所以我打算就以僵尸的样子跟妈妈坦白自己犯的罪行。 我跟妈妈说被森口报复之事的时候，有了重大发现。 到底有没有感染其实还不知道啊！就算感染了，什么时候会发病也不知道啊！我到底一直在怕什么呢？ 泥沼的水渐渐清澈起来了。 我沉浸在解放感中，告诉妈妈我故意杀了森口的女儿。那天在游泳池畔感觉到的优越感又回来了。 妈妈听到我的告白，显得相当震惊，没有说：“我们去警察局吧。”但是她也没有排斥我。那一点点的不安也消失了，我好高兴。 “小孩醒了你还把她丢进去，是因为很害怕吧？” 妈妈反复问我。“不是那样的。”我在心中回答。几乎是妈妈理想的那个家伙做失败的事我成功了。这点我果然还是说不出。 我为了不让妈妈担心，用撒娇的语气不停告诉她我已经准备好要去警察局了。 那些家伙又来了。寺田跟美月。但是我已经不害怕了。反正怎样都无所谓。 “直树，你在的话听我说！” 寺田在家门外热切地大叫。我在窗边坐下，心想今天就听听他要说些什么吧。 “其实这一学期痛苦的不只是你。修哉也非常难受。他被班上同学欺负了。非常恶劣的欺负手段。” what did he say?渡边有去上学？一直都有去？也没被杀？ “……大家明白了我的苦心。” 这表示虽然有被欺负，但是已经解决了？ 寺田之后的话我都没听进去。取而代之的是渡边在游泳池旁说的话。 ——我打从一开始就没当你是伙伴。分明一无是处，只有自尊高人一等，我最讨厌这种人了。像我这种发明家看来，你就是个失败作品。 那家伙一定打心底轻蔑我成了家里蹲，在嘲笑我。 我躲在黑暗的房间里，缩在床上咬牙切齿。我不知道该如何发泄这股怒气。原来害怕死亡躲在家里的只有我。我会碰到这种事分明是渡边的错。他都有去上学。我心中充满说不出来的挫败感。 就算妈妈不跟我去，明天我也要去警察局，全部说个清楚。渡边的刑罚可能会比我轻，但要是知道那个小孩是我蓄意杀的，他一定会后悔万分。我想看他的表情。我想嘲笑他。 我听见上楼的脚步声。It's mom.或许她会说：“明天去警察局吧。”我高兴地从房间出来，在楼梯前等妈妈。but…… 上楼来的妈妈手里握着菜刀。 How is this going? “这是什么，不去警察局吗？” “不去。小直，就算去了也没法重新开始了。小直已经不是以前善良的小直了。” 妈妈流着眼泪说。 "Are you going to kill me?" “跟妈妈一起去外公外婆那里吧。” “你虽然这么说，但是只要杀我吧？” "how is this possible!" 妈妈抱住我。我第一次发现自己已经比妈妈高了。跟妈妈一起的话死也无所谓。我感到不可思议的安详。 妈妈、妈妈、唯一了解我的人……。 “小直是妈妈的宝贝……。小直，对不起。你变成这样都是妈妈的错。我没有好好教育你，对不起。我失败了，对不起。” 失败了对不起。失败了、失败……失败作品！失败、失败、失败、失败失败失败失败……。 妈妈放开我，伸手摸我的头。温柔地抚摸我的妈妈。妈妈脸上的表情非常悲伤。 “我失败了，对不起……” 不要这样、不要这样、不要这样！我不