Chapter 8 Return (4)

——My father and Mrs. Miyako met in the local amateur orchestra. Jiang Zai explained to Gao Qian. Still the same faint tone. The atmosphere seemed to be talking about other people who had nothing to do with him. —At the time, but probably still exists now, there was a community of amateur musicians in the area.At that time, even if you graduated from a specialized school such as a music university, if you didn’t work as a music teacher in the school after returning to your hometown, you would have no chance to touch music.So some people of insight gathered together to form a team to provide live performances for the citizens.Then the group gradually expanded, and finally formed a small-scale orchestra.However, it seems that only these people cannot form a complete band. When there is a recital, some high school students who play instruments in the local school will be invited to be temporary players to assist in the performance.

Mrs. Miyako is one of these high school students' temporary performers.She was only fifteen years old when she played the clarinet and met her father who played the piano. Is my father's age?He had just graduated from college at the time.Well, working as a music teacher in a local high school. It was at that time that my father had a relationship with Mrs. Miyako.That being said, there is no such thing as love between the two of them.At least not on the father's side. Probably because Mrs. Miyako is very casual and easy to get started, so as long as it is a man, without exception, he will approach her with obscene expectations. About this point, my father will never admit that he himself is the same. .After all, there were rumors at the time that Mrs. Miyako's male relationship was very messy. It was an open secret that there was not a single man in the amateur music group, including the orchestra, who had not had sex with her.

Is this rumor true or false? Sadly, this should be true. Unlike what I just said, the rumors that my father spread in the surrounding residential area after she married Mr. Suzuki, this rumor is true. However, regarding this matter, Mrs. Miyako also has reasons to feel sympathetic to. As I said just now, she suffers from a certain disease. It can be said to be a kind of dependence.I don't know if there is such a saying, but Mrs. Miyako suffers from a mental illness called sexual dependence.She once went to see a psychiatrist, and the diagnosis made by the attending doctor at that time was: due to a strong self-knowledge, she believed that only through sexual behavior can she calm down, so she fell into a kind of behavior that forced herself to repeat this behavior repeatedly. in the mode.

The reason why Mrs. Miyako became like this is actually very clear. In fact she is not a promiscuous woman.At least according to what she said to her close friends at the time, she never felt the slightest pleasure in sex. I think it's a real voice from her heart. As for the dependence disorder, for example, cases such as alcohol dependence disorder and shopping dependence disorder can be cited.It is generally misunderstood that it is a result of someone who likes to drink or like to buy things to the extreme, and falls into a state of intoxication, but this is not the case. Take alcohol dependence as an example, it is definitely not formed by the patient himself who likes to drink very much.It's just that I feel that I can't feel at ease without drinking.Because the anxiety was unbearable, so I resorted to alcohol, so that I can temporarily calm down.It is not accurate to say this, in fact, it is not really peace of mind, but just an illusion of peace of mind. There are various problems, and it can even be said that the more you drink, the more painful it will be, and it will also affect the people around you, causing the family to break up.

Even so, you still have to drink. The same goes for shopping addiction.I don't get pleasure from the act of shopping, but if I don't buy something, I can't bear the uneasy feeling, so I buy it first.Even knowing that there will be a repayment note with an unimaginably high amount in the future, I still can't stop.In the end, it is very likely to cause personal bankruptcy, it is very likely to receive a declaration from a person with limited capacity, and it is very likely to involve all the people around them into destruction together. They clearly don’t want to be clear about this danger , but still can't stop.Driven by anxiety, when he came back to his senses, he found that he was already running to the mall.

Like this, it's definitely not because you want to do it.It can even be said that they themselves are praying with heartache: I never want to drink alcohol, and I never want to do shopping spree again. The key point of the dependence disorder is that I have no other way to deal with the mentally unstable state, so I go to a bar first, go shopping first, I can't think of other ways to make myself feel at ease other than this , in short, do it first.The result is that, logically, I know that doing so will only cause greater pain, but I just have no choice but to do it.And after doing it, regret and guilt will make me fall into greater anxiety, and push myself and my family into a desperate situation.This vicious circle is the scariest part of this disease.

The same is true for Mrs. Miyako's diagnosed sexual dependence.She is not obsessed with sex itself, but she will become very disturbed mentally if she does not maintain a physical relationship with the men around her.In his mind, he knew that doing so would only make him lose his dignity, and he might be infected with sexually transmitted diseases, which is absolutely unacceptable from a moral point of view, but when he came back to his senses, he found that he had already slept next to a man. Of course, like alcohol dependence and shopping dependence, the feeling of peace of mind that you find someone to have sex with is just an illusion, and it doesn't solve any problems at all.Also, as with other codependencies, as soon as the abstinence occurs, she falls directly into the arms of the man who is in front of her at the time.

So how could Mrs. Miyako, who was only fifteen years old at the time, suffer from this disease at such a young age?As I said earlier, the reason for this is actually very clear.No, such an assertion may be a bit problematic, but it is only limited to her situation, and the reason for this is that she doesn't think about it other than family environment factors. Listening, I suddenly felt a little strange. The title "Ms. Mei Yezi" in Jiang Zai's mouth always gives me an illusion, but she is indeed Jiang Zai's mother.In terms of his mother's high school days, of course, Jiang Zai himself should not have been born at that time.

Then how did he know the things of that era so clearly?He should have investigated clearly, and used various means to investigate clearly. I don't know why, but I always feel that this is a very difficult and arduous investigation.Then, my impression was confirmed with the tragic past that was told bit by bit from Jiang Zai's mouth. ——What I’m going to say next, you probably won’t believe everything so easily. But it's true, all of them. All the parties—at least most of them—would never admit to such a thing.What's more, when I searched for the cause of the incident and went around to investigate, some people were no longer alive.

Yes, plural parties. More than one person. Mrs. Miyako's parents, and her sisters.Mrs. Miyako suffered unbelievable abuse in her own family, which is related to her flesh and blood. Mrs. Miyako's father—that is, the man who should be regarded as my grandfather—probably forced her to maintain a sexual relationship with him since elementary school.Moreover, her mother and her sisters, who knew her plight clearly, turned a blind eye to it. It may feel like a scary thing to say, but sexual abuse within the family is a real problem.It exists even in modern Japan.Incest, also known as incest, has a variety of backgrounds for the formation of this relationship, and as an outsider, one cannot easily judge it openly.However, Mrs. Miyako's situation is quite special. I think she is in a very typical family environment where it is very easy to form such a relationship.

First of all, because her father has a very strong desire to dominate family members. It should be mentioned here that when Mrs. Miyako just entered puberty, her father happened to be around the age of fifty. According to what I've read on the subject of sexual abuse, the age of the father plays a very important role in the context of sexual abuse within the family.That is to say, men who have entered menopause are just at the age when they are shaken by their strength, vigor, and strong sexual desire as men, and have a strong desire to reaffirm their male identity.Specifically, men in this age group can't help expressing their dreams of wanting to have sex with adolescent girls. Then, if there is a daughter who is just in puberty by her side... Even so— Even so, as a father, if you look at your own daughter from the perspective of a sexual object, and even put it into action, anyone will feel that this is really a short-circuit of the brain.But having said that, these fathers are not actually mentally abnormal people.That's not right, there may be examples of mental abnormalities in various cases of sexual abuse in the family, but at least Miyako's father is a mentally normal man.He should be normal.He works in the local fire department, and because of his very stable and honest personality, he has a high reputation in the fire department and the neighborhood. Why is such a person... will definitely ask this question! This is indeed the result of the overlapping of various factors. One of them is that the daughter expresses her concern for sexual knowledge in an innocent manner like a child, which is a very dangerous charm in the eyes of the father as a man.In order to avoid misunderstanding, this does not mean that the daughter wants to have a relationship with the father.To take a step back, even if the daughter really means this, then the problem is that as an adult father, he should also know how to respect himself. There is no reason for you to take this opportunity to abuse your rights in the family, absolutely nothing. However, once the father loses control under the impulse, he will forcefully have sex with his daughter under irrational circumstances, such as drunk.Of course, when rationality is restored, there is guilt and fear.However, the key point is that the stricter and more popular a person is, the easier it is for him to pass his responsibility on to his daughter at this time.In other words: "It's all because of the young and energetic daughter who tempted me." Self-deception. Once this kind of self-deception starts, there will be endless Avici hell next. There is no easy way out of this twisted relationship anymore. If you want to ask why, of course it is because from now on, as soon as you have a sexual impulse, you will naturally vent this desire to your daughter.Then, "It will become this kind of immoral relationship because my daughter tempted me, and I have no responsibility." Once this self-deceiving idea is formed, the disgust, horror, and guilt caused by this relationship They will be overwhelmed by their own desires and start to do whatever they want.Such a result creates a vicious circle of neither self-criticism nor self-reflection for this kind of child sexual abuse.For people like Mrs. Miyako's father, the more stable and honest they are in social status, the easier it is to fall into the trap of this kind of reaction. Here, there is an even more tragic factor.That is, the father holds absolute power in the family. If a daughter confides such troubles to her mother, and the mother tells her daughter to keep her mouth shut on the grounds that it will become a shame for the family, and does not extend a helping hand to her daughter at all, it is usually because they are afraid of losing their source of family income In other words, her husband puts his own survival first, and ignores the daughter's confession in most cases.However, in extreme cases, the daughter will be considered as "a promiscuous woman who seduces her husband", and this kind of jealousy will arise.Mrs. Miyako's mother is a typical example of this type.The jargon calls it a "silent participant characterized by doing nothing."Yes, her mother participated in the domestic sexual abuse of her daughter by doing nothing. As I said just now, there are various factors in the background of sexual abuse in the family.The pathology of the father as the direct perpetrator and the mother who actually assisted the sexual abuse as the defaulter is not easy to explain clearly.There have also been instances where, when tracing the past of a mother who was a "silent participant," it turned out that she herself had been sexually abused by the father in the past. I don't know what happened to Mrs. Miyako's mother.However, based on what I have inquired about, she is a very "positive defaulter".I just said that the age of the father is very important in the context of sexual abuse in the family. In fact, the age of the mother is also important.That is to say, when the husband reaches menopause, the wife no longer has any enthusiasm for the husband who has lived with her for a long time.In other words, the form of the family has already produced a sense of depression, and I need to leave the family to the outside world to vent my emotions. To put it bluntly, both husband and wife are in different periods of dissatisfaction with their desires. At this time, the father has an incestuous relationship with his adolescent daughter. As a mother, let alone save her daughter from suffering, she may even feel grateful : The daughter assumed her original responsibilities and played the role of housewife.You are my agent, from satisfying my husband's sexual desires to taking care of my younger siblings and all the housework will be entrusted to you.After shirking all these responsibilities to Mrs. Miyako, her mother shifted the focus of her life outside the family-this is what the so-called "active defaulter" means. Mrs. Miyako has two sisters who are one year younger than her and three years younger than her, that is to say, there are three sisters.There have been such cases, under the circumstances of this kind of family structure, once the father laid hands on one of the daughters, then he would forcefully have sex with the other daughters one by one.There have also been cases where a daughter who was first raped by her father sacrificed her sisters to her father in order to escape her father's threat.Ms. Miyako's situation is closer to the latter. The two younger sisters were able to escape from their father's clutches because Mrs. Miyako became a victim.In other words, a consensus has been reached within the family: Miyako, who has become the mother's surrogate, plays the role of "housewife" in the family.In order to avoid the murderous hands of their father, the two younger sisters actively cooperate with Miyako to play the role of "housewife".In other words, although the details are different from the situation of the mother, the two younger sisters have also become "silent participants characterized by doing nothing".Everything is to protect your own safety.In fact, the younger sisters also became the accomplices of the elder sister being sexually abused and raped in the family. Gao Qian should feel a little strange, why do I know so clearly about the situation in Mrs. Miyako's family, no matter how much I investigate, it all happened before I was born.The extent of what can be understood is limited, and it is this kind of thing, no matter how much you ask the person concerned, they will not admit it. In fact, when I wanted to know Mrs. Miyako's past and started investigating everywhere, her youngest sister had already died of illness.I met Mrs. Miyako's parents and her younger sister, who is one year younger, my maternal grandparents and my aunt.Of course, at the time of meeting them, I was ignorant of the family's ominous past.He only went to see them because he wanted to know about the past of his mother, Mrs. Miyako.Tell them that I am the son of Mrs. Miyako, that is, their grandson and nephew. but…… Their reaction can only be described as indifference. Being shut down refers to that kind of situation. The grandparents and husband and wife claimed in unison that there was no such daughter as Miyako.Under my constant questioning, I changed my words and said that the daughter was dead. Are you kidding me? I found out that there is another biological mother besides the mother who raised me so far, so I came here because I was surprised.Needless to say, the reason for knowing her existence was because she was married to Mr. Suzuki. How could it be possible to believe that Miyako is dead, but I saw her exist in real life with my own eyes. I began to feel that Mrs. Miyako's family was very suspicious because of my grandparents' overreaction.Why are they so indifferent to their own daughters?No, it's not at the level of indifference anymore.It can even be said to be a taboo. I think there must be some reason for this. However, I was only around the age of a high school student at the time, so even if I felt suspicious, I had no way to investigate clearly. It wasn't until I met Mrs. Miyako's younger brother, who was also my uncle, that I finally knew what kind of past she had. Mrs. Miyako also has a younger brother.In fact, he is dead now.There is a big age difference between him and his three older sisters, and he is also weak and sick, so he has a special position in the family.Generally, in this kind of family where an incest relationship has been formed, if the victim is physically abused, as the eldest son, he will attack his father in order to protect his sister.In fact, there are also cases where this has developed into a homicide. But my uncle, as I said just now, was weak and sickly since he was a child, and spent most of his life lying in bed.Therefore, he has no way to directly resist his father, but can only watch his sister suffer.In addition, the mother who has shifted the focus of her life outside the family, only takes good care of this uncle, including the care of his illness, which forms a very special position for him in the family—— It is the so-called neutral position, where you can calmly observe no matter what happens.Speaking of calm observation, such a statement may give people a very ruthless impression, but as I have said many times just now, even if he wants to do something, he has no ability to do it.Perhaps it was for this reason that he had been blaming himself very much since before. My uncle, who knew of my existence, met me without telling my grandparents.At that time, my uncle was already terminally ill, and there was not much time left. Perhaps his state of mind at that time was: If he didn't tell someone about his family's secrets, he would die with regret.I know so clearly about the situation in Mrs. Miyako's family because this uncle who knows the inside story told me in detail. Even so, because the situation was too serious, I didn't fully accept what my uncle said at first.I went all over the health center, welfare office, and children's counseling center, identified myself, and asked as many people as possible who might know what happened at that time.Of course, due to their position, even if I were Mrs. Miyako's son, it would be impossible for me to leak such a private discussion to me.Although I didn't get very clear information, I feel that at least there is nothing that can deny my uncle's statement. Ok?Ah, that's right.It may be easy for people to misunderstand when I say this. No, the Children's Counseling Center did not have information about the sexual abuse of Mrs. Miyako in the family.However, the director and staff of the consultation office at that time compared various previous cases and vaguely felt that this might be the case, but there was no clear evidence. The Children's Counseling Center really started to intervene when Mrs. Miyako entered high school, completely lost her direction in life, started messing with the relationship between men and women, and it was time for problems to arise.At that time, Mrs. Miyako's male relationship was already an open secret in the local area.Yep, we're finally back where we started. I don't know the specific reason why Mrs. Miyako got involved in music, probably to distract myself.But contrary to what she thought, she had sex with all the male members of the orchestra.So everyone around her whispered that she was a very promiscuous woman and became so famous that even my father noticed her existence.But as I said just now, Mrs. Miyako is definitely not a promiscuous woman, at least her attending doctor at the time diagnosed her as sexual dependence, a mental illness with the same meaning as shopping dependence. The reason she developed this mental illness was because she was sexually abused in the family.No, this is not a professional diagnosis by an expert.After all, it is impossible for the attending doctor to know such an ominous inside story in her family.At least no one will take the initiative to tell him.However, I think that's why. To avoid misunderstanding, I preface this by saying that there is a causal relationship between being a victim of sexual abuse in the family and developing sexual dependence.In this sense, Mrs. Miyako may be a special case.After all, the victims of sexual abuse in the family were betrayed by their most trusted father, because they were only used as sexual props, so they tended to fall into a state of lack of emotion. In other words, most of them People will start to curse their gender as a woman, let alone suffering from sexual dependence. Generally, they will gradually have a psychological shadow on the act of sex itself, and they are afraid to avoid it. In the end, this is just my layman's speculation: for Ms. Miyako, maybe sex is already a method she uses to ensure her status. Her father basically regarded her as a "housewife".That is to say, for Miyako, apart from this identity of acting wife, there is no other identity that can be recognized in that family, and this is the reality.If she wants to claim her identity as a daughter in the family, then her own meaning of existence will be denied.That's how my mother and two younger sisters see themselves.The result is: Miyako believes that in order to ensure her position in the family, she has to become a prop to satisfy her father's sexual desire. Then, before she knew it, the equation formed in her mind that the only way to settle down was to have sex with a man.Cause and effect had been completely reversed and confused in her mind--I think that's the way things are going. This equation was brought directly to the orchestra by her, and Mrs. Miyako had this kind of perverted idea: in order to ensure her status in the orchestra, there was no other way but to sleep with the members.There is circumstantial evidence to support this claim: the fact that Mrs. Miyako was completely incapable of music is quite obvious.In fact, this is also a matter of course, because she bears everything in the role of mother in the family, and it is impossible to have free time to practice playing musical instruments.It is better to say that it is a burden than a temporary player who helps.Realizing this, Miyako thought that if she wanted to do anything for the group, it would be to help the male members deal with their sexual desires, as she did at home... Such…… Is there a sadder thought than that? Is there anything more tragic than this? I can't even imagine it. However, who is responsible for such a brain-short-circuiting action by a girl who is only fifteen years old? She herself is not distorted. The twisted one is her father. And her mother. and her sisters. In any case, since this chaotic male relationship has become very famous in the local area, Mrs. Miyako's high school class teacher took her to the children's counseling center.That's it. Mrs. Miyako met my father around this time. Father had sex with her.If my father's excuses are to be believed, they only had sex once. However, Mrs. Miyako became pregnant because of this one-time relationship. There is new life in my stomach. I. With my older brother Chiji.