Chapter 9 God's spell

My mother is very smart.She grew up reading very difficult books when she was a girl, and later was admitted to a famous university.She is a nice person and actively participates in support activities, and the surrounding residents like her very much.The posture of the mother with her spine straightened out is like a crane on the lake in winter.She wears these spotless glasses, behind which her intellectual eyes can be seen. As for her mother's only shortcoming, she couldn't tell the difference between a pet cat and a cactus.For this reason, one day not long ago, she took the cat at home as a cactus, grabbed it with both hands, then inserted it into a flower pot, and finally covered it with soil and watered it.Another time, I mistook a cactus for a cat and held it close to my face. As a result, my face was bruised and blood dripped out.

The father and younger brother didn't understand the strange behavior of the mother, and they heard about the mother's reason.But the wise mother just stood in front of the motionless cactus, opened the can to feed the cat, and turned a deaf ear to the family's questions. I regret it very much, it was all my fault, I caused it. Many people have praised me since I was a child, saying that my voice is beautiful.Every Obon Festival and New Year’s, we would go to my mother’s natal home. At this time, relatives who seldom see each other would surround me.I'm not very good at dealing with people, but I will smile and listen to the words of my uncles who have been drinking, and I will go along with them, and I will act as if I understand the dialect I don't understand.

"You're a lovely kid." My aunt praised me like that, so I smiled at her for a long time.But the actual situation is not like this. In fact, my heart has always been very cold, but I just pretended to be enthusiastic. I have never been moved by the words of my relatives, and not once have I been happy about it.Not only that, but I often feel bored and want to run away.But I'm afraid that if I do this, the stock "me" will plummet, and the relatives who turned for me will flee.I didn't want to show what was in my heart, so I just continued to pretend to listen to others, and continued to say something that made people feel kind.

At that time, my heart was full of disgust for myself. I felt that I put on some empty smiles just to make others think that I was a good boy. This kind of myself is really too shallow. "Your voice is very penetrating, just like music" A relative and sister said this to me.But to my own ears my voice was hideous, hideously distorted, like an animal imitating a human voice. After I realized this myself, the first time I injected power into my voice was in the first grade of elementary school.At that time, the class taught everyone to cultivate morning glory, and everyone's flower pots were placed on the concrete floor next to the school building.The morning glory I raised grows very big, with green vines wrapped around the sticks and stretching upwards.The leaves are broad and the fluff on the leaves is covered with dew. When the sun shines, the thin and soft petals will turn translucent reddish purple.

But the morning glory I raised is not the best in the class. There are still bigger and more beautiful morning glory in the class than mine. There was a boy sitting three rows closer to the podium than me. He ran very fast and his name was Yuichi.Yuichi is very lively, often chattering, and expressive when speaking.I have talked a lot with him, and I find his rich facial expressions more interesting than the content of the chat.He is quite popular in the class, and I think the reason lies in his rich expression changes. He and I made those expressions on purpose on purpose, he seemed to have noticed my desire to be treated as a good boy by everyone that day.I was not reconciled, but he confirmed my darkness and the insignificance of my humanity.At that time, I didn't realize that I really had an unknown inferiority complex towards Yuichi.

To Yuichi who talked to me enthusiastically, I always answered him with witty words, which often caused my classmates to laugh out loud.As soon as he has something of interest, he immediately wants to tell me "hello" and "hello".But I never regarded him as a friend in my heart, I just made some fake smiles and made unexpected answers to his accosts. In the class, the morning glory raised by Yuyi is the biggest and the most beautiful.The teacher would praise his flowers at every turn, and then I would act superficial, like a dirty animal inside me trying to get out of its skin and scream.And this animal is my nature.

One morning, I arrived at school earlier than usual.There was no one else in the teacher, and it was quiet so that I could easily take off the mask I usually wear on my face. I recognized Yuichi's morning glory right away, it was a head taller than the others.At this moment, Yuichi's flower pot was placed in front of me, I stared at the budding flower buds, injected power into the dark places in my body, and then said: "Wither quickly! Rot quickly!" I crossed my hands tightly, tensed the muscles of my whole body, and chanted aloud. At this moment, I realized that something was wrong in my nose. It turned out that there was a nosebleed.Nosebleeds dripped onto the concrete in red spots like spilled paint.

Click, the stem of the morning glory broke off, and the flower buds on it fell to the ground, like a human head falling to the ground.A few hours later, Yuichi's morning glory had withered, rotted, and turned a dirty brown color.Even so, Yuichi refused to throw away the flowers. As a result, the flowers gave off a foul smell, attracting many insects, and soon a large number of maggots gathered on the soil of the flower pots.The teacher decided to throw away the potted flower, so Yuichi started to cry.In this way, my morning glory is the best in the class. My kindness only lasted for tens of minutes, and then I could no longer see my morning glory with my eyes, and even if others praised my flowers, I just wanted to plug my ears.

After chanting the "spell" on Yuichi's flower, my morning glory has become a mirror that reflects the ugly and terrifying animal hidden in my body. After I said that, Yuichi's flower withered as I said, I don't know why.But I was only a first grader at the time, and I didn't pay much attention to the magic in my voice.Even a child who is very angry, as long as I try to persuade him, he will calm down.If I have any objections, after telling the other party, even if he is an adult, he will apologize to me as a child. Suppose there is a dragonfly sitting on the guardrail half hidden in the grass. Under normal circumstances, if you reach out to catch it, it will swiftly flap its translucent wings and fly away.But if I ordered the dragonfly not to move, the dragonfly would seem to be lucky, and no matter how hard it tried to climb its legs and flap its wings, it would not be able to fly.

The first time I consciously said something was the one that withered the morning glory.Since then I have frequently cast my magical "spells" on people. When I was in the senior grade of elementary school, a friend near my house had a dog, and that dog was always sweating and barking.Its huge body is usually hidden inside the door, and as soon as someone walks through the door of its house, it roars like setting off firecrackers.It was dragging a heavy chain, but it still jumped at the passer-by as far as it could go, so that the chain went deep into its neck, but even so he wanted to bite.The dog's skin may be sick, muddy and shedding in many places.The dog's eyes are full of fighting spirit.The dog was famous among the neighborhood children, who often used how close they walked as a measure of courage.

One day I stood at the gate dog of that house, staring at that dog.As soon as the dog found me, it immediately roared like an earthquake, trying to scare me by barking.Then I said something magical: "Don't yell at me!" As a result, the dog was taken aback, moved its ears, and then opened its eyes with sticky gums, and stopped barking. "Obey my orders! Obey me! Obey!" I felt sparks flying in my head, nosebleeds dripping from my nose onto the asphalt.It was my vanity at work, and I was just trying to get a modicum of respect from my friends by teasing this huge dog in front of them. This stupid plan was easily realized. The dog obeyed my orders, first raised its front legs, then turned around, and was willing to do anything.The result of this incident was that I got a place in the class. At first I thought it was fun, but then I gradually developed a sense of guilt.Originally, I didn't have the courage to tame animals at all, but I did so in order to be a hero.This guilt of deceiving others disturbs me. The most important thing is that the dog's gaze was scary before, but after listening to my order, the gaze is no longer arrogant, but looking at me in fear.I took away the dog's fighting spirit, and his beautiful teeth.The dog that used to be so strong is now looking at me like a small animal, which makes me feel as if it is blaming me. The magic of my voice is basically omnipotent, but there seem to be a few rules.For example, the objects I use this "spell" must be living creatures, plants and insects are fine, but if I give orders to stones and plastics, the results I want will not appear. Also once I use this "spell" it never goes back to the way it was.One day I had a little friction with my mother, and I said this "mantra" to her: "You'll never be able to tell a cat from a cactus anymore." I was so emotional that I didn't realize what I had done.It just made me angry that my mother would randomly come into my room, help me clean, and drop my beloved cactus pot on the floor and smash it into pieces.I told him how much I cared about this pot of cactus. If measured by the status of things in my mother's heart, my cactus is equivalent to the status of a pet cat that my mother cares about very much. When my mother mistook the cat for a cactus and buried it in the flower pot, I regretted it very much.I should have endured it, and even though things didn’t go my way, it’s bad behavior to play with them with magical voices, it’s simply a heinous crime.I've always regretted it, but it was too late. I wanted my mother to be able to tell the difference between a cat and a cactus again, so I put a "spell" on her, but my mother couldn't tell the difference between a cat and a cactus anymore. The magic in my voice can not only work on the spirit of others, but also cause physical changes.Just as I can cause the morning glory to wither, so I can cause the body of an animal to change. After I went to high school, I still lived a painful, pitiful life of flattering adults.I cannot escape this bad quality of myself because I am too timid and cautious.I am afraid that there will be any disturbances in the relationship with others, and I always pay attention to it carefully, not wanting to let my social status drop.It seems to me that if anyone talks to Oh, he is watching me, maybe he is secretly talking about me and laughing at me with a third person in a place where I can't see.It was just too scary, so I put on a fake smile.But what strikes me the most is this method of hiding my true intentions. Father was a lecturer at the university.His kind of character makes me feel that he is like a rock in a harsh environment, cold and barren.My father always looks at his two sons from above and talks to us, while I look up at him like a fairy in the sky.My father is very strict about everything, and I will throw away the things I am not satisfied with right away.Once someone lived up to his expectations, even if this person appeared in front of him from then on, he would treat him like a mosquito without even looking at it. I bought a portable game console behind my father's back.This kind of game console is very small and can be placed in the palm of your hand. It is the kind of cheap item that elementary school students have.My father usually has a bad impression of computer games. If he finds out that I bought a game console, he will definitely be very disappointed. He thinks that even his eldest son has betrayed him, and even thinking about it is scary. The younger brother is the kind of person who can do what he wants to do, go to the game hall if he wants to play games, and break the pencil if he doesn't want to study.People like him have lived a life without disappointment, but I was different.In order not to disappoint my father, I studied hard and dressed very plainly and neatly.In other people's words, my appearance is a refreshing and sunny young man.But these are but the surface of me, and beneath my golden fur is a mass of dark flesh. One day, I was secretly playing games in my room when my father suddenly pushed the door open and entered.He didn't even knock on the door, he looked like a policeman who went straight to the scene of a crime.He snatched the game console from me and looked down at me coldly. "You did such a thing!" Father said as if he didn't want to control me anymore. The father doesn't care anymore when he sees his younger brother Jiadougu playing games, he just regards him as a superfluous decoration, and he has given up raising his second son to be a good boy who conforms to his ideals.Because of this, he had particularly high expectations for me as an older brother, so after finding out that I was playing games, he was even more angry than I expected. If it were me normally, I might cry and beg my father to forgive me, but at that moment, although my father’s disgust also had an impact on me, I felt that it was too unreasonable. Why is my brother so free, but I can’t play? game?This emotion took over and I was so angry that my personality was denied just because I played games! When I came back to my senses, I found myself trying to wrestle my portable game console from my father.I had always worn a mask of submissiveness, and for the first time in my life I rebelled against my father.But my father still held the game console tightly and didn't want to give it to me.So I put magic into my voice and say this: "These fingers, drop them!" A little space between me and the deputy was shaken by the sound, and I knew it was caused by a broken blood vessel in my nose.The portable game console fell to the floor with a dull sound.Then the fingers on my father's left hand left his left hand and rolled to my feet.The root of Wu's finger was broken off, and blood spurted from my father's left hand, staining the surrounding area red, and blood also flowed from my nose. Father let out a cry of pain.But I immediately silenced him, ordering him not to make a sound until I said "yes."But although the father couldn't make a sound, his eyes were wide open, staring at his left hand with missing fingers. I felt nauseous, but I sucked in the blood that was coming out of my nose.I used my fainting brain to think about what I should do.Father's finger should never go back, because once I use that "spell" the changed thing can never go back to its original state. No way, I had to order my father to "don't wake up until I give a hint" and let him lose consciousness temporarily.From past experience, I know that my voice magic works on sleeping people too.Being watched by my father made me too timid to use my "spells" with magic, so I made him pass out, which was easier to do. I whispered in my father's ear: "heal the wound on my left hand quickly" and "after waking up, forget everything that happened in my room".After a while, a thin layer of skin formed on my father's left hand where the fingers used to grow, and the bleeding stopped. I had to make my father feel that it was natural to have no fingers on his left hand, and that people who saw his left hand should not feel unnatural. I started thinking, how can this be done?I have been able to make sure that the person who is speaking changes, but can I make the person who does not hear my voice think that the hand without long fingers is normal? I made up my mind and prepared to use my special "voice" to say the following: "When you wake up and see your left hand without long fingers, you have to think it's a natural state. And your left hand, you have to make people who see it think it's a normal state." My method is not to change people who have not heard my voice, but to give orders to my father's hand and make him appear natural. I started to clean the bloody room, wrapped my father's dropped finger in a tissue and put it in the desk drawer.There was also blood on my father's clothes, but I was going to put a "spell" on the whole family so they wouldn't notice the blood on my father. I carried my father out of the room, when I ran into my younger brother Jiadougu, who was very surprised for a moment, because it was difficult to see me carrying my father.My brother walked into my room through the open door and saw the portable game console lying on the ground, so he snorted and looked at me with a half-smile. During dinner, my father ate with difficulty, holding the bowl in his fingerless left hand, but his expression was so natural that I almost forgot how his finger fell off.My father's left hand with no fingers was bald at the front, but in my eyes it seemed to me that I had been used to seeing it since I was a child. Maybe it seemed very natural in the eyes of everyone in the family. I found my younger brother Dougiya secretly laughing at me. I know that he is the kind of person who thinks he can laugh at whoever he wants. I’m in the same high school as him, one grade behind. Anyway, I can’t live like him. At school, my younger brother leisurely walked up and down the corridors with his friends.He seemed to have a really good relationship with friends like that, and I always felt so lonely by being alone.I was born very scheming, and the teachers said that I often created some happy atmosphere, making the students in the class laugh, but on the other hand, I never had a friend who could be called me.Of course, there are many people who talk to me cordially, and maybe they all regard me as a good friend in their hearts, but in my consciousness, no one can let me confide in them. In the end, I even looked at the people I knew with strange eyes. My brother isn't like that, he's not like me who harbors an inner "behave in front of people" animal and tries to hide that fact by trying to make people laugh, he's probably just speaking his mind naturally Tell a good friend, he's much healthier than me at this point. But inconceivably, I seem to be better than my brother in the eyes of the world, because I always wear a mask of submissiveness on my face.If it turned out that my younger brother felt inferior in front of me, it would be quite as if I had done too much to him.I would like to apologize to Jiadougu for this.But I didn't have the kind of relationship with him before that I could talk about everything. The reason is mine.This is because he discovered the ugly thoughts in my heart and knew my shallowness. I always listened to my parents, worked hard to get high grades, and gained the trust of people around me.Therefore, he felt that talking to him was also an unclean thing, and he looked at me like looking at a dirty thing, always blaming me silently. Every time when I want to please someone and find a place where I can rest assured, if he just walks past me, I happen to meet his contemptuous eyes, and he is laughing at my funny appearance, I will The son felt like the sky was falling apart, and all the sounds hit my eardrums. In front of the school’s vending machine, there are a few students chatting and laughing. They don’t want to buy any drinks, they are chatting there. I want to buy something from the vending machine, but I don’t want to retreat from the crowd, so I just stand nearby and wait. They go elsewhere.This is because if I ask them to move, they will make room for me, but what if they are not happy about it?That's what's going on inside me, so I can't get close to people, so I just stand a little farther away from the vending machine and look at the boring poster. At this time, Jiadougu came. He pushed away the people in front of the vending machine without hesitation, put coins into the machine, and found me when he was holding a can of drink in his hand.He seemed to see through why I was reading the poster there, so he left a meaningful smile and walked away. Sure enough, Jiadougu knew my secret. He knew that his brother was very popular. Others thought he was a very serious person with a good attitude towards others, but in fact these were all illusions.He knew that in order to make others like me, I forced a smile on my face, was extremely superficial, and was so careful that I didn't even have the courage to talk to a few students in front of the vending machine. I don't know when it started, no matter at home or at school, I always sweat when I pass by my brother Jiadougu.I am afraid of Jiadougu who knows my true nature. In his eyes, I may not be his brother, but an ugly clay figure that makes him look down and makes him want to spit. I usually seldom have the opportunity to talk to Jiadougu, but as soon as I sat at the same table with him at breakfast, my stomach immediately felt very painful.I seemed to be ashamed by his contemptuous gaze, my hands were sweaty, and I couldn't even hold the chopsticks well.But even so, I still have to pretend to be very happy, talk to my parents with a smile, and eat my meals with relish.I have lived this kind of life for a long time, and now I will definitely spit out a little food. I can't sleep at night, I always toss and turn.I stopped having light-hearted dreams in which, as soon as I closed my eyes, several faces appeared before my eyes.They all looked down at me contemptuously like younger brothers, and I kowtowed to apologize to them.Sometimes when I'm awake and I'm thinking about things, I feel like there are eyes all over the room condemning me.How could I wish to die at a time like this. Would it not be so painful if I was the only one in this world?I'm terrified of other people's presence, and I think that's why my bad behavior of flattering people is also due to this.Being hated by others, looked down upon by others, and ridiculed by others is an unbearable pain for me.So in order to escape those, I kept this ugly animal inside myself.How easy it would be if there was no one else in the world but me! No, I can't stand people seeing me, I can't accept people smiling bitterly or acting disappointed when they see me.So I thought about how to make the world invisible to me. I am going to say this "incantation" to anyone who sees me first: "In a minute my image will disappear from your eyes." Then I will use this "incantation": "Your eyes see After you come to me, you will spread the spell I said to you to everyone who looks into your eyes." My strategy is to use the magic of sound to make the first person who can never see me, when I meet the second person, my image will also disappear from the second person's sight.If the second person looks at another person, the third person's retina will not be able to show my image.This happens repeatedly, so every time the person whose vision has changed is looking at someone else, my transparency increases.If people all over the world can't see me, I will be a completely transparent person, so I should be able to feel at ease forever. But before that, I have to solve a problem, which is to get rid of myself from the chain of "can't see me", otherwise when I look in the mirror, I won't be able to see myself. One night, the dog died, the same dog I had "spelled" on for my own little vanity in elementary school.I was always worried about that dog, it was very scared every time it saw me. When I heard from my parents that the dog had died, I immediately went to the house of the owner of the dog.The big, mighty dog ​​lay motionless on the cement floor.I held it and cried out.Somehow, I feel very sad.The attentive owner left, leaving me alone with the dog. I exhausted all my strength, made a trembling sound from the bottom of the abdomen, and ordered the dog: "Hurry up and come back to life!" But the dog didn't come back to life, only the clumps of hair that fell on the ground were covered in color flying.I was able to cast a "spell" on it for a little expressiveness of my own, but couldn't bring it to life. Not only that, I feel that I want the dog to live now, and I don't really feel sad for the dog's death. I just want to alleviate my sin as much as possible. I took another look at the dog's face, and found that it seemed to have finally let go of all its burdens, with its eyes closed peacefully.I kind of envy it, it's dead and liberated at the same time. One night, when I woke up, I found myself standing in the middle of the room crying, with a carving knife in my hand.I was sweating all over and kept repeating "I'm sorry" over and over.I was probably about to cut my own wrists, but just barely woke up in a daze.I glanced at the wooden desk. There was a chiseled mark on it, and there were some rolled up sawdust at the foot of the desk.I wanted to take a closer look at the table, so I brought my face closer and noticed that there was a rotten stench in it, like the smell of rotting meat. I opened the desk drawer and saw five rotting fingers wrapped in a rolled up Kleenex.Every finger is black and must have been in a drawer for a long time.But when I saw the sparse hair on my finger, I remembered that it was my father's finger.At the time I didn't know what to do with the fingers that spilled in the room, so I put them in a drawer, but I've forgotten about them.I let myself think that my father's lack of fingers on his left hand was determined by the birth of the universe, and it was a matter of course. At the same time, the fingers in the drawer disappeared from my memory immediately. I buried my finger that was starting to rot deep in the yard.But after that, the rotten smell emanating from the table did not disappear, but intensified day by day.That feeling seemed to be that the drawer was connected to another world, and the rotten smell wafted continuously from the darkness of that world. When I found it again, the scratches on the table increased again, at first there was only one scratch, then after a few days it became two, and after a few weeks there were nearly ten scratches on the table.But I don't remember running the carving knife across the table at all. Woke up in the morning and that pain started again. I felt that the person who made my breakfast and held the newspaper with his left hand to prevent the wind from blowing it away was not a human being, but some moving puppets.On the way to school, the person checking my monthly pass, the person sitting next to me, and the person passing me at school are not living things in my eyes.I get the feeling that they don't think, they're just set up to roll back when they hit the rubber edge like billiard balls, and the reaction repeats itself over and over again.Their skins are exquisitely designed, but they are filled with artificially manufactured parts. That's how I still smile at them so that they don't abandon me.As for the person who made me breakfast, in order to let him know that I have always felt his painstaking efforts, I ate all the food and talked to him in a satisfied voice; I ride the train illegally, but I am a model passenger. I always hang the monthly pass in a more conspicuous place, so that the staff at the station can easily see it; when I was in school, I always changed the flowers in the vase silently. Say to everyone, "I need me in the class, please don't reject me, I beg you", and I will use natural movements to place flowers, so that everyone feels that this is my personality, not just pretending . The more I squeezed out a bright smile on my face, the more barren my heart became, and I became more and more afraid of my brother.I don't think that people in the world have all kinds of thinking under their little heads, and they live while thinking, but I don't know why I have been afraid of Jiadougu.I can no longer hear the breathing of others, but his image is getting clearer and clearer. Jiadougu didn't say it himself, but the sneer on his mouth sometimes must be aimed at my ridiculous personality.This is the thing I fear the most in this world. His sneer is with me like a ghost, and he keeps condemning me, which makes me very distressed.At this point, if I'm climbing the stairs at school, if no one is around, I'll bang my head against the wall a few times to calm myself down.The most important thing is not that my brother is really hateful, but that I can't forgive myself. But I still think that the culprit of my pain is Jiadougu, and I want to kill him because of this idea. I hit the stop button on the cassette player and rewound the tape back to the opening.After chewing what I just heard, my body couldn't help shaking.My vision was blurred with tears, and in my blurred vision, I poured force into the carving knife and made a mark on the table.This added another scratch to the table. I was sweating, frowning at the ugliness I smelled.I began to imagine: the endless silent world outside the window, the rot and ugliness brought by the howling wind, the bacteria rotted the meat, gave off a stench, and then rotted the meat. An emotion came over me that I couldn't contain, and I sat down on the edge of the bed, buried my face in my arms, and wept, the carving knife still in my hand. ... When I woke up, I found myself sitting on the edge of the bed with the carving knife in my hand.I let go, like dropping a caterpillar, and the carving knife fell to the floor.I looked at the surface of the table and found that there was another scratch unknowingly, and the number of scratches had exceeded twenty. I may have drawn it myself, but I have no such memory. I felt that I had forgotten a very scary and important thing, so I became in a bad mood.I feel like my memory has been tampered with by someone.Uneasy, I looked down at the carving knife on the ground, and I felt a maddening evil spirit at its tip. After dinner, my younger brother, Jiadougu, was lying on the carpet in the living room, watching a baseball game.He propped his head on one hand, and grasped the fruit with the other to eat.His legs cocked up, and after a few minutes they kept bending and stretching, and his chest rose and fell with each breath. kill him.I thought vaguely.I hid in my room, sat on a chair, and waited for the night to come.The stench still wafts from the table, like a pet's dead body in the back of a drawer.The crossed hands trembled slightly, and I tried to stop it, but to no avail. I told myself that there could be no reason for killing my brother.If I don't kill him, I will be finished myself.His eyes that saw through my nature pierced through my flesh, and the sneer at the corner of his mouth never left my eardrums for a moment.I closed my eyes tightly and blocked my ears with all my strength, but Jiadougu still seemed to be pointing at me, wantonly exposing my ugly heart. In order to live a stable life, I have to choose one of these two methods: one is to go by myself and one without anyone, and the other is to make Jiadougu disappear from my world. Hours passed, and the hands of the clock pointed to midnight.I walked out of my room, and walked towards my younger brother's room while being careful about the creaking noises in the corridor.When I walked to the door of his room, the lights in the corridor cast my shadow in front of me.Seeing that my shadow is still in the shape of a person, I feel a little complicated. I put my ear to the door to confirm that he was fast asleep, and then I grabbed the cold doorknob with my hand and opened a crack.I held my breath and slipped into the room, ignoring the open door.It was very dark in the room, but I didn't turn on the lights, I just relied on the lights in the hallway to make sure I could see. I saw a bulge on the quilt on my brother's bed, and knew he was on the bed.I sneaked closer to the bed and looked down at my brother who was sleeping soundly with his eyes closed.The light coming through the door was blocked by my body, casting a shadow on my brother's face.I put my mouth close to his ear, trying to say some "spell" about "death" to him At this moment, the younger brother turned over, and the bed made a "squeak".He let out a low moan, as if waking up from a deep sleep, and then opened his eyes a crack. He looked at the open door and the light that shone through it before he finally spotted me standing by the bed. "Brother, what's the matter?" He tilted his head slightly and said kindly to me.I grabbed Jiadougu's neck with both hands, and it was his girl-like thin shoulders that shrugged in surprise.I said with all my might: "Go to hell with me!" Jiadougu stretched his slender fingers into the air, as if he wanted to ask for help, his eyes were full of fear.But I find something is wrong.Every time I use the "mantra" I feel a little explosion deep in my nose, but not this time, and no blood coming out of my nose. I withdrew my hand from my younger brother's neck, and at this moment it was incredible that he didn't cough or question me, just like a dream, and closed his eyes as if nothing had happened.He looked the same as usual, which made me feel very wrong.When I walked out of his room, I looked back and saw that he had fallen asleep peacefully. “啪”的一声，我的脑袋里像爆炸了一般，我像被上了发条一样马上跑回自己的房间。我向桌子上一看，发现之前一直没注意到的盒式录音机，很便宜的，旁边堆了一堆备用的干电池。录音机的插头并没有插上，好象是里面的干电池带动的。我不应该一直注意不到这些东西的，我一直都没发现它们的存在本身就是一件很不正常的事。 盒式录音机里面放了一盘磁带，我不知道为什么，觉得自己必须重新放一遍磁带的内容。我的大脑里好象被下了这样的命令，于是手指自动地按了重新播放的按钮，动作连自己都无法控制。 从透明的塑料小洞里可以看到开始旋转的磁带，接下来扬声器里传出来的是我自己由于紧张而颤抖的声音： 事情变得复杂起来了。 这盘磁带已经播放几遍了？现在的我很难想象出答案。 听着磁带的你，可能就是几天以后，或者几年以后的我吧。 总之刚让磁带重新播放的你，肯定已经忘了发生了什么吧。我把一些必须的“咒语”录进这盘磁带里的话，就可以把一切都忘掉，过起很多事情都不会注意到的生活。 我准备这盘磁带的目的就是这个，我想将来忘了一切，过着日常生活的自己听一听自己曾经都做过些什么。 你可能会马上觉得必须让这盘磁带重新播放一遍吧，这也很正常，因为我在磁带的最后录入了这样一段有魔力的“咒语”： “想杀某个人，或者想自杀的时候，你将在桌子上发现一个一直没注意到的盒式录音机，然后你回想重新播放一遍里面的磁带。” 听着这盘磁带的你，可能想杀掉某个人，或者在想用什么方法来自杀，这个我无法判断。 不过你正在听磁带这件事，表明你的情况符合其中的一条。从这一点考虑的话，重新播放磁带则是证明自己没有过上安稳的生活，因此你的表情就会变得难过。 但是我必须告诉你这个道理，也就是说你根本没有必要杀死某个人或者自杀。理由非常简单，因为跟你一起生活的所有人都已经不能动了。父亲，母亲，弟弟，班里同学，老师，还有那些没见过的人，他们都已经不在这个世上了。残留在这个世上的，可能就包括你还有其他少数几个人。 我以前考虑过这个问题，如果我的形象在世界上所有的眼里都呈现不出来了，那我该怎么办。你还记得这件事吧。 那条狗死了的第二天早上，我仍然像往常那样装出丑陋的笑容，坐在桌子旁吃我的早餐。这时加豆谷揉着眼睛起来了，母亲拿了一盘煎鸡蛋从他面前走过。父亲正皱着眉头读报纸，他翻过一页的时候，报纸的一端正好碰到了坐在旁边的我的胳膊上。打开的电视里正放着飘着清香的洗衣粉广告，我突然感到自己受不了了，想杀了所有人。 也就是说我用了这样的“咒语”： “一个小时以后，你们的头将从脖子上掉下来。” 接着我又下了这样的命令： “你们滚到地上的头，把对你们施加的'咒语'传染给所有看到你们的人。” 当然我附加了把我自己排除在“咒语”之外的话，同时还对他们的记忆动了手脚。也就是说他们会忘了听过我的“咒语”，然后离开家。 在我对家人施加了“咒语”的一小时之后，我正在学校。这时加豆谷所在的班级一片混乱，我去看了看，发现弟弟的头躺在地板上，学生和老师们围在血泊周围，脸色煞白。 这是一个有魔力的头，看到它的人一个小时之后就会死去。我推开发出尖叫和起哄的人群，离开了那里。这时刻父亲和母亲的周围肯定也发生着同样的情况。 又一个小时过去了。在聚集到学校的警车和周围的居民面前，曾看过加豆谷滚到地上的头的几十个人，他们的头也一起骨碌碌地滚到地上。连一声尖叫都没听到，突然之间就有一堆头掉到了地上。这时有刚才一百倍的人目睹了这个场景。 好多人都陷入了恐慌和混乱之中，这时电视节目的摄像机也来到了现场，他们直播了这些一个小时以后将宣告死亡的头颅。这一瞬间我的“咒语”将通过电波传染，最终将取下无数人的头。 那天傍晚，街上静悄悄的，寂静的空气里夕阳投下长长的影子。我走在一片血红和腥味的街上，无数的人静静地躺在地上，。奇怪的是我的“咒语”好象对动物和昆虫也起作用了，地上到处都是没有头的猫呀狗呀蟑螂苍蝇等等。 好象很多地方发生了交通事故，可以看到很多地方冒着黑色的烟。绝大多数的电视里什么也没播放，我偶尔会看到没有头的新闻播报员朝下趴在桌子上。 不久街上的灯都熄灭了，可能发电站没有操作的人了，最终没办法正常供电了。全世界应该都发生了这样的情况吧。 我在确信世界上除了我没有其他生物活着之后，一个人走在昏暗的街道上。没有一个地方没躺着人的，不管走到哪儿，地上的柏油都是脏的。 我看到撞在一起，冒着黑烟的车，车的驾驶席上坐着一个脑袋连在身上，一动不动的人。他可能是在看到某个人掉在地上的头之前死于交通事故的吧。 静静的夜空现出了点点繁星，我坐在过街天桥上仰望着星空。奇怪的是她到来之前我一直没有受到良心的谴责。 我正在仰望星空的时候，听到了某个地方传来很轻的脚步声，还有求助的声音。我从天桥上往下一看，有一辆由于交通事故而正在燃烧的车，在火焰的照耀下，有一个年轻的女人在颤巍巍地走着。我感到不可思议，就向她喊了一句。 她听到久违的有生命的声音，脸上露出放心的表情，然后把脸转向我的方向。 一刹那我就明白她的头为什么没有掉了，原来她是个瞎子，眼睛看不见。 她的运气真是太差了。我浑身战栗，然后从那个地方逃走了。我的心里涌起了翻江倒海的罪恶感，但是这个世界已经回不到过去了。 有很长时间我一直很痛苦，我看到世界上到处都是腐烂的人，感觉自己受不了这个世界了。 于是我决定忘掉这一切。我要让自己产生错觉，让自己忽略现在的状况，忘记被死亡笼罩的大地，继续活在之前的世界里。我决定在这盘磁带的最后录上这样的“咒语”： “你每次用雕刻刀在合作子上划上一道痕，你就会觉得自己正生活在过去的正常世界里。虽然实际上你知识在吃着食物，睡觉，保持健康，维持生命活动，但这些不影响你的的意识，你要认为自己还跟过去过着一样的生活。” 顺便我还考虑到把自己房间里的桌子排除在条件之外，我下了这样的“咒语”：“你的五种感觉欺骗不了桌子。”也就是说即使我过着跟以前相同的生活，但我的桌子是跟现实世界连起来的。 你听到这盘磁带，是不是正在后悔？你可能会想再次把这一切都忘掉，重新回到听磁带之前的自己吧。如果是这样的话，你只要再在桌子上划上一道痕就可以了。 桌子并不是你的幻觉，因此可以通过你的划痕来记录下你听着盘磁带，洗去自己的记忆次数。现在桌子上有多少道划痕了呢？ 在这之后磁带还有独白。过去的我好象通过磁带来对自己“咒语”，来对自己的记忆进行操作。我把脸凑近桌子，闻了闻臭味。从雕刻刀划的一道道伤痕，或者是从抽屉的深处，从没有光线的洞穴深处，传来异样而又潮湿的腐臭。对面的现实世界，通过桌子的抽屉，只有臭味飘到我见到的世界。 我坐在床的一端开始想象。在腐烂的肉附带着的世界里，只有我一个人穿着校服去上学。走到没有人的检票口，我举着月票，来表明自己不是非法乘车。我坐在摇晃的电车里，走着相同的路线去学校。我踏在地上各种各样柔软的东西上，悄悄地穿过校门。为了不让人觉得讨厌，我做着假笑走进没有打扫的教室。我在教室里做了一个梦，梦到班里的同学吵吵嚷嚷的，然后老师很生气，命令大家安静。但实际情况是我一直坐在寂静的教室里，坐在自己的座位上。我头发蓬乱，眼神空洞，就是这样还是拼命地装出笑脸。我这个样子更像动物，而不是人。 友人敲我的房门。我应了一声，接着抱着仙人掌的母亲打开了房门。 “你还没睡吗？快点睡觉！” 母亲面无表情地说道。这个人好象也活着，不过她应该已经在某个地方了吧。 这个世界上只剩下我一个人了。想到这里，我的心理涌起一种感情，无法抑制。 “你的手在擦眼泪，你哭了，到底怎么了？身体不舒服吗？” 我摇了摇头，在心里说一句“对不起”。我哭并不是因为身体不舒服，而是感到放心了。我终于来到了梦寐以久的一个人的世界了，我的新终于平静下来了。