Chapter 4 so far

Now that I have grown up a bit, I entered elementary school and will soon enter junior high school.So now I can look at the incredible situation from another perspective.I was just a kid in kindergarten at the time, terrified of everything, insecure.Everyone else was taller than me, I had to hold my head up when I was talking to them, and if the adults got impatient with their hips on their hips, I worried that I might have done something wrong.So even when I explain it to adults, it never ends well. I used to always feel that there was something under the bed, out of the light.I feel that I don't need to touch the standing pencil with my hands, as long as I say "fall down", the pencil will really fall down.Of course, most of these things are impossible, but it is not entirely impossible.I like science very much, but I think there are still some things in this world that cannot be explained by science.

That's what happened in kindergarten.Although some details are a little fuzzy, but I have recalled it many times later, and many people have asked me, so I remember it relatively clearly. I lived with my parents, on the second floor of an apartment.The apartment is built on a small mound, and the windows overlook the city.The tram shuttles between the tall buildings, seemingly filling the gaps in the rooms of the buildings.At that time, I liked to look at the scenery like this. My house has a living room and a kitchen, and there are two other rooms.On the pillars are the portraits of my father that I drew, as well as kindergarten hats and schoolbags.

I like my parents very much.I can only play poker (a kind of poker game, very simple), but even so, we often play poker as a family of three, and sometimes play hide-and-seek at home.After eating at the kitchen table, we would retreat to the living room and sit on the couch and talk. I always feel like that gray sofa in the living room is the most important piece of furniture in our house because I often sit on it to watch TV, read, and sometimes nap.The harmony of our family depends on this elastic and soft sofa. I usually sit in the middle. Mom's seat is to my left, near the kitchen.If my father or I wanted a drink, my mother would stand up immediately and bring us juice, beer, etc. with slippers on.

Dad sits on my right, and it's the best angle to sit there and watch TV.And that place is right under the air conditioner, so my father, who is afraid of heat, will feel cool if he sits there. I would stagger over to the couch, sit on it, and tell them about what happened in kindergarten.I sat in the middle, just in time to see the smiling faces of my parents. I don't know when it happened, I didn't realize it at first.By the time I found out, the situation had become like that. I was sitting on the sofa in the living room with my dad.Dad was sullen and watching TV.He arched his back and rested his chin on his crossed hands.

There is a program about strange phenomena on TV. I know this program is scary, but I still watch it every time.The program that day told the story of a person who died in a traffic accident and went home without realizing that he was dead. Mom opened the door and went into the living room.Her face was also very gloomy, just like her father's. "Hey, are you watching TV by yourself?" Mom said to me.Since her tone was the same as usual, I didn't pay much attention.Mom did say "one person," though. I felt a little strange and looked at my dad sitting next to me.I imagine he must have been annoyed at being ignored, but Dad didn't seem to even know Mom was in the living room.

"Oh, really, why are you looking at the air? What's the matter?" Mom had a look of incomprehension.This made me really uneasy. Soon my father got up from the sofa silently and walked out without looking back at my mother and me.I was very confused, I felt that something strange happened, but I didn't know why.I guess I must have been crying at the time, so my mother took out the poker, smiled and said to me: "Let's play draw together." Although I was not relieved at first, but my mother laughed, it must be fine, I Think so. I played poker with Mom for a while when Dad came back into the living room.

"Why are you playing poker alone?" Dad waved to me after finishing speaking. "Today we're going to a restaurant." I climbed off the sofa and ran to my father.Looking back, my mother was still holding a few cards in her hand, looking at me puzzled, as if asking "Where are you going?" I thought mom would go out to dinner with us too, but that didn't turn out to be the case.As soon as I was out of the room, Dad turned off the lights and slammed the door.Mom is still in the house, but Dad doesn't care. While my dad and I were eating at the family restaurant, I worried about my mom, who was left alone in the living room.

"Life will not be easy from now on." Dad said something like this. Dinner the next day was also weird.My mother only prepared dishes for me and herself, and the plates and chopsticks on the table were also for two. On the other hand, Dad didn't seem to see the meal that Mom made at all, and went straight to the convenience store to buy a bento and came back.He took the bento out of the bag and placed it on the low table in the living room.It has my share in it. I asked my mother in the kitchen: "Why didn't you prepare Dad's meal?" "what?" Mom looked at me nervously.Seeing my mother's dumbfounded look, I felt scared: Did I ask something I shouldn't ask?So I didn't ask again.

"Hey, what are you doing? Which bento do you want?" Dad's voice came from the living room.There was a difference in the pitch of my voice when Dad called Mom and when he called me, so I knew he was asking me. I walked out of the kitchen and into the living room.Dad is loosening his tie. "Why is there no mother's bento?" I asked Dad like this, but Dad stopped his hands and stared at me intently.Surely I shouldn't be asking that question, I thought. I went back and forth between the kitchen and the living room several times to take care of my mom and dad.After I ate a little of my mother's cooking, I ran to the living room to eat a little bento, and it was like this.

I didn't finish the rice made by my mother and the bento bought by my father, half of which was left, but they were not angry with me.After eating, I sat in the middle of the sofa as usual.Mom sits on my left and Dad sits on my right.Both of them were silently watching TV, which was reporting a train accident that happened a few days ago. If it was in the past, Mom and Dad would tell me funny things and make me laugh out loud.But that day, neither of them spoke in silence.I felt that something dreadful had happened, and that there had been an inexplicable deviation among the three of us.When I was wondering what the reason was, my mother turned her head and stared at me with a very serious expression.

"Your father is dead, and we will be the two of us in the future. Let's work hard together." I didn't quite understand my mother's words, but my mother's voice sounded so serious that I was really scared.I looked puzzled, so my mother touched my head, smiled and said to me: "It will be fine." Now it's my father looking back at me again. In his eyes, it's as if my mother doesn't exist at all. My father just stares into my eyes. "You have to live well, and live out your mother's share." That's when I realized they couldn't see each other at all, Dad couldn't see Mom, Mom couldn't see Dad.I was caught between them, but they both thought there was no one on the other side. Through the words of my parents, I learned that one of them died, and my father thought that my mother was dead, and he would live with me in the future.On the mother's side, it was the opposite. She thought it was Dad who died. So they can't see each other, and they can't even hear each other's words.All they could see was me. At that time, I couldn't speak very well, so I couldn't accurately convey what I saw to my parents.I told them I could see both of them, but they didn't pay any attention at first. "Dad is in that room." Mom was washing dishes in the kitchen and I tugged at her apron and told him Dad was in the living room.In fact Dad was sitting on the couch reading the newspaper. "Know it." At first, my mother just nodded slightly, and I repeated what I said just now. This time, my mother squatted down, made her eyes level with mine, and then stared straight into my eyes. "I know you're having a hard time." Mom's voice was serious, she was worried about me.In this way, I feel that there is a problem with my own brain, and it seems that I should not say such a thing. But I still tried to explain this strange situation to my parents several times. One night, the three of us sat on the couch again.Saying "three people" is from my point of view. From the perspective of my parents, there are only themselves and me sitting on the sofa. "Mom is wearing a blue sweater now." I said to my dad on the right and they both stared at my face. "What are you talking about? Stop talking about that, it's terrible." Dad frowned.Dad can't see Mom, so he has no idea what I'm talking about. "Well, you're wearing a blue sweater, what's wrong?" Mom also looked at me with a puzzled expression. "I can see both of you, Mom and Dad, in this room." When I said this, the two of them looked at me together, very puzzled. This kind of thing happened several times. At first, the two of them ignored my words at all, but then they finally believed them. Once a bag of snacks couldn't be opened, so my mother looked for scissors everywhere. "Damn man, where did you put the scissors? If only you found it and disappeared." Mom whined as she rummaged through the living room cabinets, which contained everything from pencils to tape.Dad was sitting on the sofa with his legs crossed, but he didn't seem to see Mom, who was also in the room.So I asked Dad where he kept the scissors. "Looks like it's in that cabinet drawer in the kitchen." Dad answered me like this.I told my mother exactly what he said, who was also in the living room. "Looks like it's in a drawer of the kitchen cabinet, Dad said so." The scissors are exactly where Dad said they were.This happened many times, and finally Mom and Dad finally believed me. "I could see Dad and I could hear his voice." Mom nodded suspiciously. "Mom is here, so it's not just Dad and me. If Dad has anything to say to Mom, I can tell her for you." I said this to my father, and my father nodded happily.He said "Yes, it can be done like this", while stroking my head. In this way, I started to be the mouthpiece for my parents. I didn't expect this to be very interesting. The three of us sat on the sofa and watched TV together. "I want to watch travel shows." Mom told me so, so I told Dad about it right away. "Mom said she didn't want to watch this, she wanted to watch a travel show." "You tell your mother, tell her to bear it and watch crime TV dramas." Dad didn't take his eyes off the TV, so he replied directly. "Dad said he didn't want to change the channel." I told my mother this, but my mother said dissatisfiedly, "It's too much", and then stood up and went to the kitchen. I secretly laughed, because it was like this a long time ago, and it felt very funny.Mom and Dad had to go through me to have conversations, but that was fine, and I finally felt like we were all three together again.At this time, the atmosphere in the room was unusually warm and pleasant. I used to think about the world my parents lived in.According to both of them, they were involved in a train accident.No, this matter is a bit complicated. In fact, it can also be said that they were all involved in the accident and died. It is said that they had to send something to a relative's uncle's house because of an incident.So one morning, the two of them used rock-paper-scissors to decide who would give it away, and the loser took the tram to his uncle's house. The words of Mom and Dad were inconsistent after the boxing game.In Mom's world, Dad loses and goes to Uncle's by tram.But in my father's world, it was my mother who went to my uncle's house. There was an accident on the tram, so in Mom's world, Dad died, and in Dad's world, Mom died.Both of them think that they are not dead, and they will live with me in the future. But the respective worlds of the parents who survived the disaster are like translucent photos, and I became the overlapping point in the middle, connecting the two worlds.I can see both of their worlds at the same time, which makes me a little proud that I seem to have been chosen as the middleman to connect Mom and Dad. Suppose Dad opened the door and walked in at this time.If Mom just can't see Dad, she should be able to see the door open and close by itself.But in fact, mother didn't notice the opening and closing of the door.After I reminded, my mother found out, "Ah, it really is like this". And suppose mom is in the kitchen doing the laundry.No matter how you look at it, Dad can't see anyone doing laundry.It seems that in their world, they can't easily see these situations without me explaining them to them. Meals are still eaten separately by the two of them. Mom cooks by herself, and Dad buys bento to eat. "Dad, can't you see this plate of curry rice?" I put the curry rice made by my mother in front of my father and asked him like this.But Dad didn't seem to see anything, he just looked back at me suspiciously. "I received a strange call in the company today." Sometimes my father would talk to my mother towards a place where there was nothing in the house. In fact, my mother was standing behind him, but my father couldn't see it, so he just spoke in any direction.Since my mother couldn't hear my father's words, I told my father's words to my mother.I used to say to both of them, "It's a strange situation." But it hurts every time I think that one of them has died.I was right on the border between my dad's world and my mom's world. I didn't know the situation at first, but when I saw that they stopped talking to each other, I was very worried and didn't know what happened.But it’s all right now, now I’m sitting on the sofa, sitting between my parents, I’m so relieved, I’m so sleepy that I want to sleep. But even when I was young, I knew it couldn't go on like this forever.I will definitely have to choose one of these worlds in the future, and this matter has always been in my heart. Same as last time, I don't know when the situation has changed.Once I realized that Mom and Dad were arguing, although this time it wasn't like the simple quarrels that often happened in kindergarten. After dinner, the three of us sat on the sofa together.While watching TV, I unconsciously helped the two of them pass the word.This life has been going on for a while, so now I am like a parrot, not even thinking about the content of the words, just repeating what they said. The cartoons I like are shown on TV, so I am fascinated by them.I lay face down on the sofa and rested my chin on both hands.My mother used to criticize me for being rude, but I still like it. Suddenly my father threw the newspaper on the table, and the words of the two of them were full of gunpowder.Only then did I realize that my parents' emotions had become very bad without knowing it.The two of them were saying hurtful things to each other, but I didn't see it, and continued to simply paraphrase as usual. Mom stood up and walked towards the bedroom. "Mom is back in the room." "Leave her alone." Dad just dropped one sentence.I started to feel uneasy, and I forgot about the cartoons.I really want them to be reconciled, I don't feel happy at all if they don't sit on the couch and sit next to me. "Hey", after a while, my father called me, "Go and tell your mother," "Tell her what?" "You just tell her 'it's great that you died'." Dad's expression is very scary. Although I don't want to say it, he might scold me if I don't say it.So I went to the room where my mother was. Mom was lying under the quilt in the bedroom, seeming to be thinking about something.After I opened the door, she sat up with her upper body. "Father asked me to tell you that it's fortunate that you died." While holding back my tears, I conveyed my father's words.Mom wiped her tears silently, as if she was sobbing.I've never seen grown-ups cry before, so it's scary to see moms cry now.I stood there dumbfounded, not knowing what to do. "Then you tell your father that," This time it was my mother who said bad things about my father and asked me to tell my father.There were a few words in my mother's speech that I didn't understand, so I was forced to practice there.Although I'm just a child, I also know those words are too much. "I don't want it, mom, don't talk about it anymore." I begged my mother, but to no avail. "You're going to tell your father this, understand?" After that I went back and forth several times like a postman between Mom's bedroom and Dad's living room.I was forced to remember the bad words before saying them. Every time I pass a message on behalf of my parents, they will look at me with hatred, that kind of gaze makes people feel that the other party they hate is in my body.Their yelling was also directed at me, and I felt like I was being scolded. When I first started to convey bad things for them, I felt like something was stuffed in my throat, and I was a little speechless.But after repeating this, my brain became paralyzed, and I couldn't feel anything.It feels like I can't hear any sound, but I can still do my job as a postman smoothly.It's incredible to think about it now. Although my mouth was programmed to record and repeat like a radio, my tears never stopped.I like mom and dad, I don't want to say these cruel words. The quarrel lasted for an hour or so and finally came to an end. I still wish they could sit together on the sofa in the living room, but I can't say it, so I can only sit on the sofa and wait in fear.Dad went to the bathroom to wash his agitated face.It seems that Dad has calmed down at this time, and I can finally relax. Then Mom came into the living room.What if the two of them quarreled again?I looked at my mother worriedly.So my mother hesitated and sat next to me.The sofa was sunken due to the weight of my mother, so my body also leaned towards my mother. "It was my fault just now." After my mother finished speaking, she touched my head.Later, I kept staring at the door where Dad was going to come in. I wanted to keep watching like this, and tell Mom as soon as Dad came in.But dad never came back. Mom got up and went to the kitchen.My eyes were chasing after my mother's back, when I heard the sound of flipping a magazine next to me. Unexpectedly, my father was already sitting on my right hand.I kept staring at the door, but I didn't realize when Dad came in.Dad is smoking. I am most afraid of the smoke of cigarettes. Once I inhale it, I feel very uncomfortable.But my dad was smoking next to me, and I didn't notice until just now that I was breathing normal air the whole time. I looked at my father's face in confusion, when my father frowned and said: "I called you several times just now, but you didn't even look at me." After my father finished speaking, he touched my head like my mother did just now.Dad's hand does exist, very warm.Why didn't I notice Dad's existence just now?I feel very strange. While thinking about it, I waited for my mother to come back.But my mother never came back from the kitchen. There were only me and my father in the room, and there was a song program on the TV. "Ask your mother about tomorrow's arrangements." Maybe it was just after a quarrel, Dad seemed to want to see how Mom was doing.So I stood up and went to the kitchen. I pushed open the kitchen door and looked for my mother everywhere.But in the kitchen there was only a dripping faucet, and no one was there.If you want to go out from the kitchen to other places, you must go through the living room.Why isn't mom here?How strange. I went back to the living room with doubts and found my mother sitting on the sofa.How did my mother and I miss it?I do not understand.But my mother was sitting in a place where no one had been there just now, holding a coffee cup in her hand, as if she had always been like this just now. Now that Dad is gone, there is no one in the place where he was just now.The ashtrays and half-smoked cigarettes and the smell of smoke that filled the room were gone. I forgot to ask my mother what was scheduled for tomorrow and just looked at her face. "What are you looking at? What happened?" Mom tilted her head and asked me.It seemed that she had already returned from the kitchen. I finally understood at this time, my mother has been sitting there just now, no, not only my mother, but also my parents are by my side.I can only see one of them now. I try to get out of the living room and come in again.This time there was no one where my mother was sitting, not even the sunken place on the sofa.Instead, Dad appeared in another place.I am more convinced of this. I sat down on the couch and closed my eyes for a while.At this moment, the half-smoked cigarette disappeared from my right hand, and the coffee cup, which I had been missing until now, appeared on my left hand. And now I can't hear the two of them all at once, and I finally understand that the worlds of my parents are gradually separating. If I were in one of the worlds, the other world would disappear, and I wouldn't even feel the door open and close, crossing in front of me. I'm no longer part of their overlapping worlds, I'm just moving back and forth between these two worlds that are starting to separate. I was so sad that I barely spoke to my parents that night.From now on, the three of us will never be able to sit on the couch together again. I couldn't tell my parents about this situation immediately, my mother saw me silent and stroked me tenderly.I knew I had to choose one of these worlds for the upcoming separation. The next day, it seemed to be Saturday in my memory.I looked outside and found that it was cloudy, as if it was going to rain. Mom was out, and only Dad was reading the newspaper on the sofa.I searched the whole room to make sure that my mother was really not at home.If Mom and Dad are in the same room, I can't see both of them at the same time, so it's possible that Mom is next to me. I looked for another room for a while, and it seemed that my mother was indeed not at home.So I sat next to my father. I hesitated for a long time, not knowing how to speak.My favorite stunt (camera) hero is on TV, but I'm on edge right now and I'm not in the mood to watch it.Dad twisted his chin beard with his veiny right hand while flipping through the newspaper. "I can't see both now." I said to my father in fear, but my father just turned his head and looked at me, frowning. "What did you say?" "When Dad and Mom are together, I can only see one of them." Dad stopped what he was doing, as if he was chewing on the meaning of my words, and finally put the newspaper on the table. "What do you mean?" Dad's eyes seemed to be blaming me. I felt that he was angry and wanted to escape from here.My heart was pounding and I regretted that maybe I should have kept it a secret from Dad.Although Dad is sitting on the sofa, his eyes are still higher than mine, so whenever he looks at me with stern eyes, I want to put my hands on my head and squat down on the ground. "I can't see my mother when my father is around." I tried to explain it several times, and Dad finally seemed to understand what I wanted to say.He suddenly turned pale, grabbed my shoulders, and looked at my face desperately, as if he wanted to ask something. "Yes, is it true?" I was so scared that I started to cry.I feel that my father really likes my mother. Before this, I barely connected their worlds, but now I can't see both of them at the same time. I think it is my responsibility, so I am very sad.If I had been a good boy, we could have lived as three of us. Dad repeated the question several times in a stern tone, but I just cried and couldn't say anything.Dad finally started to get angry, he raised his hand on my shoulder and slapped me.My dad slapped me in the face, and I fell to the ground, saying "I'm sorry" several times.I think I'm such a useless kid, all the blame is on me, and daddy is starting to hate me now. I got up and ran out of the room.Dad just called my name and didn't catch up.I ran out the gate without my shoes on, then down the stairs, onto the tarmac, and toward the park.I don't feel like I can stay at home anymore, I love my dad and the living room with the couch, but the pain in my face tells me I'm an extra kid.The soles of my feet hurt so much, but I can only bear it. There was no one in the park, maybe it was going to rain, so the other kids didn't come to play.Normally, there would be laughter and laughter everywhere, but that day the slide and swing were mine alone.But I am not in the mood to play at all, I am alone in the spacious park, I feel so lonely. I sat down on the sand and piled sand on my bare feet.I kept thinking about my parents, they must not like a child like me.I feel that the quarrel the night before is also my responsibility. If I had been a good boy, hadn't complained about the food and clothes, and put away the toys I played with, they would definitely not have quarreled. I felt so cold and tears came out.The wet black sand stuck to my hands and feet, making my skin astringent.At this time, someone called my name from behind. It turned out to be my mother, and she was looking at me in surprise.Mom has a shopping bag in her hand. "Did you come with your father?" Mom smiled and looked around the park.I shook my head, and my mother came over immediately and stopped in surprise. "Where did you put your shoes? And why is your face red?" I covered the half of my face that had been beaten by my father with my hand. I didn't want my mother to know that my father had hit me.Maybe my mother will be angry with me too. My mother noticed my uneasiness, so she put the shopping bag on the ground and hugged me with her arms. "What happened?" Mother's voice is very gentle.I was really relieved to smell my mother. "Daddy's mad at me." Mom asked what Dad did to me, and I just kept silent, so Mom gently touched my head.Before I knew it, I was already crying and couldn't stop.In the peaceful park, my mother is comforting me, the slug. "Mom, do you still remember what you said a long time ago?" "Which time do you mean?" "You said, 'From now on, it's just the two of us, let's do our best together'." "I can remember." Mom nodded suspiciously.Before I knew it, it was drizzling and my hair was already wet.Mom helped me lift the bangs that stuck to my forehead. "I have decided that I want to live in my mother's world." I made up my mind and said this to my mother.Mom looked at me puzzled.When I was carried home by my mother, I kept sobbing. From that day on I never saw my dad again. I am now in junior high school, but I can still clearly remember what happened at that time.I have also told many people about my bizarre experience, and sometimes I will ask others why it happened like that. I thought about what happened the day after Dad disappeared.It was a sunny day, cloudless, and the leaves formed shadows on the ground.My mother and I walked out of the house holding hands. This feeling is very warm and pleasant.I looked up at the sky, and after I closed my eyes, the sun shone through the eyelids into the pupils, and my eye circles were red. My mother took me to a place with a lot of comic books and toys, and there were many children around my age, some of them were holding dolls, and some were building blocks.After playing with toys for a while, my mother took me to a man's room, and then let me sit on the chair opposite the man. The man asked about my dad, so I explained to him that he had died in a train accident.The man folded his arms in embarrassment, then asked me with a smile: "Then who is that person behind you?" I looked back and there was no one there.Only my mother was standing next to me, and I replied, "No one." "This child can't seem to see his father." The mother cried to the man. "He can hear my voice, but not his father's. His father squeezed his hands and touched his head. He doesn't feel it at all. If you force him to pick him up or pull his arms, he loses strength halfway and becomes like a puppet." "I understand." The man nodded after talking to his mother for a while. "That is to say, after your husband and wife quarreled, you treated each other as dead, and lived like this. And you also instilled such thoughts in your children, and finally became like this." After the man finished speaking, he looked behind me again, as if he was talking to someone, and kept nodding.I also looked back, only to see an empty space. Now that I've grown up, I can understand what my mother and the doctor said, and understand why it turned out that way.My mother stretched out her hand and told me "Your father is here", but I asked "Where is father". "How come you don't know where he is? Aren't you clinging to his body now?" Then the mother cried in bewilderment.Then Mom turned to Dad and started talking to him. After I became this state, my parents never quarreled again.Although I still can't see my father, I can feel him comforting my crying mother.Now the two of them are living next to each other.People say that the behavior of my parents hurt my young heart, and that's how it turned out.However, this is somewhat different from the answer I got myself.Recently, I feel that I wish to become like this, of course the purpose is to keep my parents from being separated.