Chapter 4 third quarter

After high school, I worked part-time for a living.I didn't have the brains to go to college and I didn't find a company that would take me. To my parents, I must be a blemish.Among relatives, their children are the only ones who can neither enter university nor find a job. My cousin was admitted to a well-known university, and my cousin also became a bank clerk, but I was working part-time for less than 1,000 yen an hour, and I still ask my parents for pocket money. The coming-of-age ceremony was held in January of the second year after graduating from high school. I took the car driven by Gusi to the town venue where the coming-of-age ceremony was held. The car did not belong to Gusi himself, he said he borrowed it from his parents.The ancient temple is located in a local university of mathematics and science.I asked him who was holding the steering wheel:

"Where do you plan to work after graduating from university?" He shook his head. "Not working, I have to take the graduate school exam, because there is something I want to study." I asked him what he wanted to study, but because the content was too deep, I immediately forgot.However, the ancient temple has a clear goal, and life seems to be very fulfilling. Sitting in the passenger seat, I felt very heavy in my body, and even had difficulty breathing. It was not just because I was wearing a suit and tie, but because I felt that compared with the ancient temple, I was just a part-time job and had no plans for the future. The intended pathetic character.

The car was parked in the parking lot outside the venue. After getting out of the car, it was discovered that there was fine snow outside.Groups of people gathered around the entrance, mostly in suits or kimonos, about our age.I saw a lot of people I met in middle school, some who never spoke to each other but often passed each other in the corridor, and some who had a delicate relationship, friends of friends, who had met but didn’t know each other, and didn’t know I should have acted warmer or something, and I still remember the faces of those people. I have lost contact with almost all my friends, and Gusi is the only one who still meets, often plays and talks together, so when I see those long-lost faces, I feel very nostalgic.

"Hey, she's not here!" Just as we were walking forward while avoiding the crowd, Gusi suddenly said this to me. "Huh? What?" I didn't understand what he meant, so I asked back. "Shimizu! Are you looking for her?" His expression was very natural when he spoke, and his blunt tone showed that he was not mocking, nor did he have any other intentions, as straightforward as cutting a cucumber with a knife. No... I wanted to answer that, but I couldn't. I can't deny what Koji said.In fact, I didn't intend to do that, but after he said that, I realized that I seemed to be looking for her subconsciously.

Gu Si actually saw through my subconscious actions, which surprised me, because he hadn't mentioned Shimizu to me for a long time. "I heard that she has caught a cold for the past three days, so she won't come today. I heard from my parents." "Really?" So what, what does it have to do with me?I just answered innocuously, but I don't know if I can hide the wavering in my heart. Qing Shui was admitted to a women's university. Although it took nearly an hour by train, she still went to school from home every day. I, Guji and Shimizu still live so close together, it feels amazing.But we hardly meet each other on the road, maybe because of the different work and rest time!

"I am married!" Says Hashida, a classmate who hasn't seen each other for five years.He and I weren't really that close, but we were both in the basketball club, and both were ghost members.We have the inferiority complex of "we are all the same", so we still remember each other. "My wife is pregnant now!" Their family seems to be engaged in the construction industry, and now his son has inherited his father's business, and he has a happy family. "That's great! You're still pretty good!" I told him from the bottom of my heart.Then I suddenly realized that the word "wife" still exists in this world.

"What about you? What are you doing now?" He tilted his head and asked me.That's a question that makes me sad. "That's right! Koizumi, do you live near Shimizu's house?" Hearing her name suddenly, I adjusted my posture involuntarily. "How is she now? Because it is now that I dare to say, in fact, I liked her very much at that time, but for a person like me, she would definitely not like me, not to mention she is beautiful. But, in high school I never heard anything about her dating." Having said that, Hashida and Shimizu went to the same high school.I knew next to nothing about her in high school.

Please enter the venue, the entrance ceremony is about to begin - the announcement of entrance came on the radio, so we stopped talking and walked into the venue full of chairs. Half a year has passed since coming of age. I work part-time as a waiter in a fancy restaurant.The banquet hall is located on the 38th floor of the hotel. Wedding banquets or company parties are held almost every day. Both the bride and groom will stand in the hall with happy smiles, receiving praise and blessings from countless eyes, and their bodies will shine with charming brilliance.Once, the groom was younger than me at a wedding, but he already had a family and found his place in society.

When the banquet was in progress, I had to serve tea and water for the guests, and deal with their various requests, so I was too busy.Even so, when my hands are empty, I can feel the power of happiness when I accidentally see the bride and groom. Unknowingly, I remembered again the forecast that the ancient temple had made—the damn joke he made on me and Qing Shui. After entering middle school, Gu Si didn't talk to me about future forecasting much, and I didn't ask him specifically, probably because I was tired of playing that game!We have other, more passionate things to do, like chasing our favorite bands, or drifting along the coast in the middle of the night.Just like the reaction to Nostradamus' prophecy, after a certain age, you will suddenly feel bored, and that future forecast is nothing more than that.

After returning from working with a tired body, the dinner my mother made had already turned cold, so I put the dinner in the microwave to heat it up.By the time I get home, everyone is usually asleep, and the dog I’ve had since elementary school doesn’t give me much thought, and doesn’t think I’m part of the family anyway. However, that day, my mother sat in front of the TV and hadn't slept yet. My mother is very sensitive to things nearby, so she often tells me some unexpected news. She and Qing Shui's mother often chatted together, and sometimes met in the supermarket occasionally, and even chatted for dozens of minutes.

"Your usual behavior and all aspects of life will be passed on to Kanai's ears." My mother half-jokingly warned me to improve my attitude towards life. I usually answered with a smile, but I was at a loss inside, and I always adjusted my sitting posture unconsciously. As soon as my mother saw me coming back that day, she told me in a tone of "you may have heard of it": "I heard that at noon today, Kana suddenly felt unwell and was hospitalized." Qing Shui has been in poor health since she was a child. When I was in elementary school, I was often responsible for delivering bread to her who was on leave at home, but I didn’t expect her condition to be so serious that she had to be hospitalized. His physical condition seems to be much more serious than I thought. In elementary school, those children who could not finish their lunch within the specified time must eat a full lunch before they can go to rest and play.They have to stay in the quiet classroom and fight with food when everyone is playing on the playground. Shimizu is that kind of child.I don't know if it's because her stomach is too full to eat, or because there are too many things she doesn't like, most of them can't finish eating within the specified time, so she has to stay in the classroom alone. I remember one time when I walked into the classroom, I found her staring at the lunch in a daze.At that time, there was no embarrassment between us, just a normal relationship. Shimizu held his cheek with one hand, poked the plate with a spoon with a bored face, and the metal tableware made a rattling sound.Due to cleaning after the lunch break, the desks will be moved to the back of the classroom after lunch.At that time, the tables had been moved to the back of the classroom, and Qing Shui was facing her food, sitting among the tables that were squeezed behind. "You're still eating!" "...I hate eating cheese!" The thing she couldn't swallow that day was my favorite chicken breast with cheese.I thought at the time, there is something wrong with you saying you hate something I like so much. The weather outside is sunny and the light is bright. In comparison, the classroom is even darker, which makes people feel lonely. When I heard the news that Shimizu was hospitalized, I couldn't help but think of her staying in the classroom for lunch. The hospital where she lives is on the road where I work, and it is a very large hospital.When I passed that hospital, the ward building always made me a little concerned, and I couldn't help but look there. This state has been maintained for nearly ten years. However, I always try my best not to think about her. I even feel that if I don't do that, I won't be able to live a normal life. In the banquet hall of the hotel, there are two kinds of people working, one is a part-time job like me, and the other is a full-time employee who has a formal contract with the hotel.There is a big difference between the two. Of course, regular employees are much more honorable than part-time employees. Regular employees who are younger than me will give me a blatant look, as if to say: "This guy is really useless. ". I have to admit that migrant workers belong to the lower class of society, and unstable income is the most decisive factor among many reasons. In a word, you have no status and no one looks down on you.Once, after I explained my situation to a drunk relative, he began to preach to me: "It's really worthless!" And sometimes he would get some comfort, such as: "Although I am at a low ebb in life, but future……" I also feel like a useless scum when I hear regular employees talking loudly in restaurants. I am indeed at the lowest ebb of my life. I have no college degree, no full-time job, and no goals in the future. I just live a part-time job in a daze. On the other hand, Gu Si has successfully improved his academic qualifications, and Hashida, whom he met at the coming-of-age ceremony, already has a lovely daughter and a happy family. And my own future was dark.Because it was so embarrassing, I finally stopped asking my parents for money. After I finished my part-time job, I went home directly, and just repeated my daily life in silence.What I say in a day is at best just saying hello to my family and apologizing in restaurants, and sometimes I don’t even say a word for a whole day. I don't know what I live for. If I suddenly disappear tomorrow, maybe no one will notice. Whenever I think about it, I feel sad and realize again that I am all alone in this world.Walking on the bustling streets, I always see those happy and smiling pedestrians or happy families with children. These almost make me unable to breathe, and I want to grab my chest and squat down. When I'm in my room, I often put my head in my hands because I'm bored.The surrounding walls, ceiling, and that closed space all put a lot of pressure on my spirit, and I could only hear the sound of the second hand of the clock marking the time in my ears. I remembered the thoughts I had made about my future when I was in the third grade of middle school. At that time, I felt that being an ordinary office worker was really boring.How stupid I had been!I don't want to spend my life on a crowded tram, but what kind of effort have I made?I hated that boring life in my heart, but at that time I did nothing but escape from the classroom in front of me. Time, how I wish I could go back!If I can go back to the past and start over, I will definitely live a good life.I don't know exactly what kind of lifestyle I should adopt, but I think it will be better than now. The future is lurking with uneasiness, the past is entangled with regrets, what a difficult thing life is! The day I got into a fight with someone, I was really giving up on myself. Drunk people rarely appear at wedding banquets, because it is a place for congratulations, so most people will not get drunk, but that drunk person may have encountered something unpleasant before coming here! I was delivering iced water on a silver tray in a hotel lobby when I saw a drunk stalking a young woman.The woman seemed nervous and overwhelmed, so I couldn't resist pouring ice water on the drunk man. I was brought in from the hall by the official staff, and then I was severely reprimanded. "You, you, you think you are a hero, don't you?" "...No, I didn't think that way." "Stupid! In that case, just let him be quiet and sit on a chair!" The official staff, who was a year younger than me, glared at me and very subtly inserted the word "imbecile" into his speech to lecture me. When I came back to my senses, I had punched that kid in the face.Our fight ended quickly because others stopped it, but I was the one who started it first, so I took the blame and resigned. During the fight, the middle finger of my left hand bumped into something, and it hurt very badly at night.It must be broken!Must go to the hospital. I hid under the covers and thought about my future plans. First of all, I had to buy some job hunting magazines to find a part-time job.How should I live in the future?Will you never find a full-time job for the rest of your life? I felt as if I were on a raft that was about to sink, surrounded by a vast sea, with no land in sight, only anxiety and fear. I couldn't breathe from the pain, so I crawled out of bed and opened the window without turning on the light.Because it was late at night, the lights of every house were dimmed, and above the silent residential area was a dark sky where no stars could be seen. I don't know when, my eyes stopped at Shimizu's house.Although I knew she was hospitalized now and not in that house, but my eyes seemed to be stuck tightly and I couldn't move away. At this time, I knew that I was seriously ill. Although I really want to deny it, I have to admit that I have been thinking about her all the time.She has become a part of my life.I always imagine her situation, for example: she must be watching TV like me in a different place now, or maybe she is walking in the rain because she forgot to bring her umbrella.I know that this spiritual change is a future forecast from the ancient temple. Every time I feel that kind of dizzying and terrible loneliness, I think of Shimizu, as if she is my only support.I'm not thinking about whether the ancient temple's prophecy will come true, but I just think that she is somewhere in this world, living under the same sky and at the same time as me. I don't think my feelings for her are the so-called love. If it is, I will definitely confess to her after the distress.The existence of clear water has unconsciously become so important to me because there is something more solid, compact and simple.I can't quite pinpoint what that is, but I figure it must be something a worn-out soul can cuddle up to after an injury. Still, I can't always be like this.Someday, I have to be independent from that which is not actually there, and I can't keep putting this "someday" back forever. When I decided to go to the hospital to see a doctor, I had to drop by Shimizu who was hospitalized there.I had to meet her and make myself understand that there was no relationship between us, and that was the only cure I could think of.