Chapter 11 Chapter Ten Nightwood

Unexpectedly, a long letter was written.Write another one, and I will stop writing and go to you.As I write these now, what dominates my mind is the question of how to live in the future.With my current form, it's impossible to live next to people.The smell of the filthy animal that dwells among me is confusing and draws out negative emotions from the dark places of the heart. Originally, it was the best solution to die and let it decay and return to the soil, but Sanae's children absolutely could not do this.Will I live in eternal time with this twisted body from now on?I have thought about this question countless times, and every time I ask myself, I whimper in despair at the darkness I have to walk into.In the deep mountains where there is no one, or in the dark of the forest, I have to be alone.Animals will instinctively avoid me.In the midst of sunrise and sunset, maybe human beings will disappear from the earth, but even so, do I still have to live alone?Whether it is loneliness or despair, I think I have already tasted it, but I will never develop patience with it, and I can only let it erode my soul.

My heart is like hell.But even in what at first glance seems like total darkness, the gods hide hope.Even for an existence like me that is not tolerated in the world, the gods have prepared a small redemption.In the endless falling into the bottomless darkness of nothingness, I was able to barely touch that ray of light, just like a miracle.The kindness of the gods is so warm. That was the moment when I became a beast and hurt Akiyama's body.The heart of the beast, which is in a trance and crazy for violence, is stopped by what kind of power?What is the true face of the divine power that passed through my chest and saved Akiyama's life and my heart?At that moment, what filled my chest was the memory of my boyhood.Snow covered the ground, how beautiful a piece of snow-white land is.How delicious the white radish grown by my grandmother is.Is the small river where you fished crucian carp with your friends still there?Is the photo studio where parents go hand in hand still open?No, it's not just about my hometown.The short time spent with Miss Kyoko, Granny, and Abo was so peaceful.The scene where you tell Abo the story like a harmonious brother and sister is the key to returning me from being a beast back to being a human being.

I wandered for an almost maddeningly long time.From now on, I must always be accompanied by loneliness. But have you noticed it?Every word you say to me is like a light that illuminates the darkness.Every ordinary word you said to me warmed my heart so much.Whenever I think of you who tried to treat me as a human being, I will never forget that I am a human being.Even in the endless eternal darkness, the memory of you will surely become a light, saving me from confusion. Now, I write this article with a sincere heart. Miss Kyoko, I am deeply grateful for the little mercy you gave me when I fell by the side of the road.Your gracious desire to arrange a shelter for me compels me to offer you my prayers.

I was a foolish kid who wished for eternal life, made my family sad, and hurt others. In the endless years to come, I will regret my sins and finally look up at the night sky because I can't bear the pain.But at that time, your tenderness must save me, must soothe the loneliness of this sad beast in me. If I were a human being, I would like to be by your side forever.Goodbye, thank you, those who are willing to touch me.