Chapter 3 Who am I - Patient in Room 409

Suddenly, the voice changed. There was a deafening screeching sound, followed by a shrill crash. In an instant, the world was turned upside down and disintegrated. Shock, vibration, rotation - oppression, pain, consternation, embarrassment, terror, anxiety - explosion! The rising and expanding flames were split and scattered.But the scattered flames gathered together again, shaking, changing color, growing, and then roaring ferociously—becoming a red and black colorful fire dragon... There is a man and a woman. Lie lying covered in blood and shards of glass.From the mouths of the two, there was a faint moan.

The fire dragon baring its blood-red teeth attacked them.The scorching and sharp claws mercilessly stretched out to the lying two people. what! — the woman called out loudly. She yelled hoarsely and crawled desperately to escape the fire dragon's attack.As she fled, she looked back at the man. The man raised his arms and raised his upper body, trying to climb out too.But his lower body has been chased by the fire dragon. Soon, the man's body - legs, torso, arms, and hair - were all bitten by the fiery dragon's scorching claws and teeth. The red poisonous tongue licked the man a few times, and swallowed him in one bite.

The woman cried out for help again. She rushed back while calling the man's name.Stretching out his scarred hand, he grabbed the man's hands and pulled them with all his strength. Seeing the woman's face, the man's dazed eyes shone slightly, and his burnt lips moved convulsively.Apparently, the man is calling the woman's name - the name of the woman he loves most in his life... The colorful fire dragon continued to roar, tumbling and jumping. Its invisible claws finally reached out to the woman's body. The creaking sound of scorching skin was accompanied by a strange smell, and the intense pain and burning sensation gradually degenerated into a dull numbness.

In the relentless burning flames, men and women gasped. The shrill, beast-like cry crossed the night sky, leaving a long tail.The disordered consciousness gradually sinks into the bottomless abyss of darkness... Flame burns a heart to ashes. Start today by writing this journal. No one ordered me to keep a diary, it was purely of my own volition--to tidy up my confused thoughts. I told this idea to Dr. Okochi.He said it was a good idea, and immediately prepared a diary and pen for me.He also said that if it is convenient, let him also read the diary.But I don't want to, because he hasn't established a sense of trust in my heart yet.

At the moment, there is a photo in my hand.This was given to me by Dr. Okochi when I was transferred to this ward. The photo was taken of a couple.With the coast of a certain place as the background, in the winter season, the two wear the same style of knitted woolen sweaters, with carefree smiles on their faces. The man was in his early thirties, tall with slender shoulders, and very handsome.The hair is combed back, the facial features are sharp, and the broad forehead is slightly pale, which seems to have nothing to do with the sun. The woman was next to him.He is just as tall as the man's shoulders, with big eyes that roll around.Her eyes were not aimed at the camera lens, but she looked at the man affectionately.The complexion is as fair as the man's, and the innocent face is matched with the straight short hair, which is very suitable.

The two are a couple.No, can you say they are a couple? Serizawa Jun, and then Mariko. The dead husband, and then me. Yes I am.My name is Mariko Serizawa - or so I think at the moment. How could one's own name need to be thought through before "thinking so"?It may sound unbelievable, but it is true.This is because a last resort happened, then, to put me in the dire situation I am now (inpatient in a psychiatric ward)! What is the real situation?Unfortunately, I'm not sure yet.My heart is very anxious and I hope to find out everything as soon as possible.In fact, for me at this moment, this "certainty" is my only salvation.

But as Dr. Okochi said, anxiety is not good for me: I must treat "myself" as calmly as possible, calm down, and all I can do now is to go back along the existing memory. When I woke up, I was lying on an unfamiliar bed. Recalling the experience at that time, it was like a hazy dream, only the snow-white ceiling and the pungent smell of potion remained vividly in my memory. This is the surgical ward of K×× General Hospital. His whole body (including his head and face) was wrapped in bandages, and even a slight movement would cause severe pain like countless needles piercing the flesh.

It seems that the injury is not serious.But why am I here?For me at the time, it was not so much doubt as it was incredible. Soon, the doctor appeared. My attending doctor was a surgeon named Yoshimura: a burly man in his forties, with a flat face, a pair of small eyes that shone fiercely, and slightly crooked and thick lips. According to Dr. Yoshimura, I was seriously injured near death due to some kind of accident.However, I have absolutely no idea what he's talking about.Also, he called me "Serizawa-kun" before he spoke to me, but I didn't feel like he was calling me at all.In short, not only the accident, but also my own name is completely forgotten.

Dr. Yoshimura stared at my face covered in bandages lying on the bed with his menacing eyes, and then, when he made contact with my upward looking eyes, he looked away slightly and told me something in a compassionate tone. Body bruises, fractures, and burns.When I was brought to this hospital, my injuries were so severe that the doctors almost thought I was going to die.The two legs were the most seriously injured, so they had to be amputated immediately to save their lives... The doctor didn't tell me that I didn't know that I had lost both legs below the thigh.The constant pain after regaining consciousness made me think my legs were still there as before.

This bad news is like a thunderbolt from the blue, and five thunders strike the top!I couldn't help screaming and twisting my body.The doctors and nurses hurriedly held down my body.Despite this, I forgot about the physical pain and screamed and waved my hands wildly. The nurse gave me a sedative, and soon I was falling asleep.In a faint consciousness, I understand that my heart is a blank. (Continued from yesterday) Under the action of the drug, I fell asleep and woke up for several days in a row.Every time I wake up, Dr. Yoshimura will come to understand my physical condition and emotions.But I don't have the strength to answer.I enclosed myself in a thick homemade cocoon.

Every round the doctor will tell something about "me".But to my ears, it all turned into meaningless empty talk out of reality, which seemed to be a list of terms and calculations from esoteric academic books. The fragments of what the doctor said at that time can no longer be fully recalled now. As the days go by, the wounds on the body are slowly healing.But even as a week passed, and two weeks passed, there was still a blank in my heart. Who am I? This issue can be said to be as important as the burns all over the body and the loss of both legs.No!It's even more important than the latter because it haunts my heart all the time. Just one day—— Because of a certain chance, I found a thread that could untie my knot.Although it was just a gleam of light and could not restore my memory immediately, for me who was in the dark, it was rather a glimmer of light.I finally found the original signpost that was the premise of everything. This opportunity was a news report that I entrusted a nurse to find for me. "Private car fell off a cliff, caught fire, and burned" On July 20th (Monday), the social section of the newspaper published the above subheadline, followed by the following brief report: At about 7:00 a.m. on the 19th, Mr. N, a college student passing by on a motorcycle, discovered that a private car crashed into the roadside guardrail and fell to the bottom of a cliff more than ten meters away at the bend of the mountain in Hanabae Town, Sakyo District, Kyoto City. , the car caught fire and burned.It has been found that in the car are Jun Serizawa (31 years old) and his wife Mariko (29 years old), a company employee in Takaocho.Both suffered severe bruises and burns and were unconscious.Police Traffic Division personnel believe that the cause of the accident was that the driver Serizawa turned the steering wheel too much when making a sharp turn. This is the report of the "accident" I encountered. Before that, I heard some opinions from doctors and nurses.But their explanations always make me feel far-fetched, as if watching a drama on the TV screen, it is a fabricated story that has no direct relationship with myself, and has no sense of reality. To get "realism" I asked the nurse to get me a newspaper. It seems that my thinking is correct. I saw the surname "Serizawa" in the tiny print, and then the name "Mariko".Both are heard frequently these days, but contact with "literal" is a first. Mariko Serizawa. Yes, that's the name. I stared intently at the news report, and was instantly immersed in a wonderful feeling. Mariko Serizawa. This name is indeed the one I am most familiar with. The private car that Serizawa Jun and his wife Mariko were riding in crashed on a bend at the top of the mountain, fell off a cliff, caught fire, and burned.what!In this way, it is as if a raging fire is burning in the depths of my heart. Accompanied by a huge horror, the bright red and hot image reappears... The two people who were dying were sent to this hospital. The husband died and his wife Mariko— That's me, somehow survived. Serizawa Jun died just like that. He fell into a coma, and finally couldn't bear the serious injuries and passed away, leaving me alone.I am Mariko. But... even though I have a little "realism" about the name Mariko Serizawa, I still have to ask: Who am I? I am Mariko—is this self-evident?Is it necessarily so?Can it only be identified as such? However, I don't have the confidence to say "yes" without hesitation, maybe I can only say "it should be".Behind this statement, there is a tinge of doubt. So, what specific form does this doubt take?I have no idea.This is just a "hunch" and a "mystery". Then, I have a few more doubts about myself.Who am I?Am I Mariko Serizawa?If not, then who am I? (Continued from yesterday) Later, the wounds in my body healed quickly, and when I could get up and sit in a special wheelchair, I was transferred from the surgical ward to Room 409 of the current psychiatric ward. It is necessary for patients to be treated in "this aspect" - before being transferred to the ward, Dr. Yoshimura introduced this to Dr. Okochi of the psychiatry department.Very different from the middle-aged surgeon with a cold face all day long, this small old doctor named Okochi has a gentle and kind face. He smiled and looked at me in the wheelchair. "My name is Mariko Serizawa. It's the first time we meet, please take care of me." After I finished speaking, I bowed my head.The bandages on his face hadn't been unwrapped yet, and as soon as he straightened his upper body, his head felt heavy and uncomfortable. "Mariko Serizawa—" The psychiatrist continued to smile, staring at me with piercing eyes in large tortoiseshell spectacles. "Is that your name?" "I think so." I replied bluntly, "Now all I can think of are this name and the name of the deceased husband...Although you have told me a lot about other situations, I have no sense of reality at all. " "That means you lost your memory. Can you not remember the accident?" "Well. You say I was in an accident, and I remember it as if it happened. But when it comes to the specifics, I don't know anything..." "Indeed." Dr. Okochi nodded heavily, then winked at Dr. Yoshimura next to him, and said, "With the consent of the surgical department, you will be transferred to our psychiatric ward. But you don't have to worry about it. There are many amnesia Patients, after a slow recuperation, can gradually recover their memory. If you just blindly worry and worry, it will have a negative impact. No problem, please trust me no matter what, OK? Serizawa." Moved to this ward, it will be a week until today. During this period, I learned a lot of "knowledge", but at the same time, I also heard a lot of nonsense that confused me.If I record these words one by one in the diary, it will cause my thoughts to be confused, so I don't need to write them down. The bandages wrapped around the hands, arms, chest and abdomen have all been removed, but the head and face still need to be bandaged.In case of severe burn scars on the face... No, try not to think about it as much as possible.At any rate, he accepted the rhetoric of exchanging his lost legs for his life, but if he considered the issue of disfigurement or not, his mood would turn sour again. When I was in the surgical ward, Dr. Yoshimura always said "don't worry" in a light tone whenever he saw me.Now I can only use this rhetoric to comfort myself. The hands are free, in case the face... ah!It was too horrible to think about, and I was too scared to even touch my face outside the bandages. Mariko Serizawa. For this woman, it may be better to keep a distance from "her" for the time being.In order to get close to "truth", it is necessary to observe from as objective an angle as possible. So far, I have obtained a lot of "knowledge" with sufficient credibility from doctors and nurses, as well as the police who came to investigate the situation. The knowledge can be summarized as follows: Mariko Serizawa, twenty-nine years old, formerly surnamed Akota.No siblings, born in Kyoto City. Parents died early.But since his father left a large amount of property, living and studying are not a problem.When she was studying at the local NXX University, she met Jun Serizawa, who was two years older than her, and the two fell in love.In the fall of the year he graduated from university, at the age of twenty-three, he married Jun Serizawa. Her husband Jun Serizawa is thirty-one years old and was born in Hamamatsu City, Shizuoka Prefecture.After graduating from the Law School of KXX University in Kyoto, he joined SXX Life Insurance Company and was assigned to work in the Osaka branch. He is a promising elite talent.After marrying Mariko, she moved to live in an apartment building in Takasushi City, Osaka Prefecture.His parents are dead, and he has a younger sister. Although the two have no children, the relationship between husband and wife is like glue, and their lives are very happy.Every rest day, the two always go out to play. July 19th was a Sunday, and the two seemed to have driven out on Friday night two days ago.Although the destination is not clear, it should be in the Wakasa Bay area.On the way back, there was this serious traffic accident... It goes without saying that all the above are "facts". But despite all this, the problem that was silting up in my mind was not resolved.This is because of the lack of "reality" that connects these objective "knowledge" with my subjective "memory". And not only that. In the fog-shrouded mind, there still seems to be something.What is that?Perhaps it was something like the "hunch" or "mystery" described in the diary the day before yesterday.It occasionally moves around in my heart, as if it wants to tell me something. What exactly is this matter about? There are visitors today. The guest was a beautiful woman who was stunning even from a woman's standpoint like me: long hair, watery eyes, slender and fair skin.She claims to be Serizawa Jun's younger sister, her name is Miki, she is twenty-nine years old, exactly the same age as me. She got married four years ago, changed her surname to Matsuyama, and currently lives in Kobe.Although she is already a mother of two children, she is slender and well-proportioned, which makes me feel sorry for her. The asylum had been more than three months old, and it was not without visitors like her before that.When I first regained consciousness in the surgical ward, I heard that many people came to see me. But at that time, my mind was extremely chaotic. No matter who came to my bed and said something, I couldn't hear it, my mind was blank, and I had no memory.All that was left was a vague impression: many strange faces swayed in front of me, their mouths opening and closing... After that, when my heart had stabilized somewhat, there were suddenly no visitors.so, what happened?Later, I heard from Dr. Okochi that because my spirit was still in a very unstable state, from the perspective of treatment, visits were strictly restricted. So even Miki, I heard that she has been to the hospital many times, but she was only allowed to enter the ward twice, and this time was the third time we met. Although we met three times, the first two meetings were in the surgical ward. As mentioned above, I can't remember meeting her at all.For me who was diagnosed with "amnesia" by the doctor, this woman named "Matsuyama Miki" was the object of "meeting for the first time" today, so her appearance and voice are not in my memory. Wearing a chic light green coat over a light yellow shirt, she looked at me in a wheelchair, wiped the corners of her eyes with a handkerchief, and murmured "poor". Then she seemed to be more excited than I was, yelled and said some inexplicable words, and then covered her face with a handkerchief and began to cry again.No problem, isn't he recovering quickly? ——In turn, I have to comfort my sister-in-law who is out of control. "It's wrong, it's wrong." She sobbed and said without knowing why. "Please calm down, Miki." Uncomfortably, I held the hand of my sister-in-law who was sobbing.Her hands are cold. "You are so sad, what should I do?" "Ugh……" Miki let out a long sigh, then shook her head and said, "I'm sorry, I understand. But..." A weak and hoarse voice.I held her slightly trembling hand tightly. Soon, Miki finally regained her composure.I hope to get some new information about myself, Mariko Serizawa, from her.Although Miki stopped crying and talked to me a lot, I don't think I gained much. But—one of the things she said caught my great attention. "Since this spring, my sister-in-law seems to be troubled by some things about my brother. When I went to play with her, I saw her depressed. My sister-in-law said that my brother has changed recently, and he is likely to be promiscuous outside. I hurriedly comforted her, saying how could it be?" .But what is the actual situation? I don't know..." What Miki said yesterday has been making me uneasy.Was the dead Jun Serizawa having an affair? In the eyes of outsiders, they are a very happy couple. They have been married for six years, but their knees are still empty.The husband is a first-class handsome man, and he is an elite of a first-class company... Maybe there is no man in this world who is not romantic. But up to now, what makes me uneasy is not the question of whether my husband has an affair, but what can't get rid of in my mind is the shadow of my opponent—the woman who is on good terms with my husband. What happened to the so-called "shadow of a woman"?I can't tell myself.In short, the name "Jun's mistress" and the impression connected with it strongly shake the dormant memory deep in my heart. Why? According to what Miki said, I seemed to have been slightly aware of the existence of that woman at that time.Needless to say, I sympathized with anxiety and jealousy.It was the digging of this memory that made me uneasy. No!wrong.Something that cannot be explained by mere jealousy—perhaps something more complex than jealousy, or even completely alien to it, lurks in the depths of my psyche.This thing may be an important clue to explain the "truth". When will the bandage on the face be removed? Today, I made up my mind to ask the ward nurse this question. The nurse's name is Machida Noriko.From cleaning the body to all kinds of nursing work, it depends on her care.I really want to say thank you to her!But in fact, I don't have a good impression of her. Broad shoulders and tall build like a man, about forty years old. A thinly made-up face with small wrinkles always wears a professional indifference expression, never saying a single unnecessary word to the patient.So seeing her appearance sometimes makes me feel unspeakable disgust, indifference and fear. She gave me an emotionless look while I was lying in bed or in a wheelchair as I went about my routine... With this look, what did she see in the poor patient?How is she measuring me in her heart? No, her indifferent eyes may be able to reflect my figure; I feel fear and timidity when I see the mystery of my own life experience in her eyes. "When will this bandage be removed?" Hearing my sudden question, Fan Zi stiffened as if he had been hit by a huge shock, and quickly avoided looking at me.Although it was only for a moment, I did see her distressed appearance. "Ah - why don't you ask the surgeon." Later, she replied as if doing Tai Chi. "Well, Machida-san, I think so too." When I was about to ask about the specific situation, she returned to her usual indifferent expression. "However, you are the one who changes the bandages for me every day. You should know my injuries best. Can my face return to its original shape? Even if there are scars now, can it be healed in the future? Or..." "Where did you go?" She said indifferently in an unchanging tone, "It's just some wounds left, so the bandages can't be removed yet. Your worry is understandable, but you don't need to be too nervous." "But……" "No problem. After a period of treatment, the face will definitely return to its original shape. That's what the doctor said." "is that true?" "Of course it's true. So, now we should focus on treating heart disease, and forget about the facial wound." Even if she didn't tell me, I was still trying to forget about the wound on my face, but sometimes it was hard to suppress the uneasiness and fear. my face?My face under the bandage... Should I believe the nurse's "no problem"?Perhaps, it was just words of comfort. well!Thinking about it and thinking about it can't always get the right answer.Until now, my fingers still dare not touch the parts above the neck. Who am I? ——Am I Mariko Serizawa?If not, then who am I?This kind of doubt about myself has become more and more urgent now, and it weighs heavily on my heart. Who am I? How many times I asked myself, every time I answered that I was Mariko Serizawa.That's "natural"—that's the reason I tell myself.However, logically speaking, "of course" does not make sense. "In case it wasn't"—what had hitherto been nothing more than a hypothetical phrase—suddenly began to take on a tinge of reality.That is to say, the problem of "if not, then who am I" has begun to take shape in front of my eyes from the previous impossibility. Mariko Serizawa. Analyzing from objective data, apart from being this woman, I cannot be any other woman.However, now I have discovered a new possibility, maybe I am not Yuanzi, but another woman who is different from Yuanzi. how do I say this…… Another visitor came today.The guest was an employee of S×× Life Insurance Company named Hisashi Kijima.He is Jun Serizawa's junior in college, so he has a very close relationship with Jun. Of course, I should know him too.But somehow I can't remember his name or face at all.Standing in front of me was a name I had heard for the first time and a face I had seen for the first time. Wearing a tight gray suit on his stout body, he has a light black face and hair parted in threes.Under the thick eyebrows, there are a pair of thin eyes with light brown pupils. I got the impression that he was a very honest man. After saying the usual condolences, Kijima looked at me intently. The mummy-like face covered with bandages, the severed legs... What reflected in his eyes must be a sad and unfortunate woman curled up in a wheelchair.The quiet eyes floating on the light brown pupils looked at me with pity. "Well, Kijima-kun." As if avoiding his gaze, I turned my heavy head to one side and said, "There is one thing I want to ask." "Okay. What's the matter?" He nodded emphatically, and replied, "The reason I came to visit you is to help restore your memory." "Thank you! Then I'll ask. If you know, please tell me the truth. Because I want to know the truth." Then I asked him if it was true that Jun Serizawa had a mistress? For a moment, Kijima fell silent, showing a complicated expression. "Serizawa is dead, and now I don't want to blame the dead, I just want to find out if Serizawa is having an affair." I raised my voice and said, "Kijima-kun, if you know, please tell me without any concealment. .” "Understood..." After a while, Kijima spoke solemnly. "Serizawa-senpai, indeed——had a girlfriend." "Sure enough." "I joined the company two years later than my senior, and was also assigned to the Osaka branch. As early as in college, my senior and I were members of the same activity group, and were taken care of by my senior, so I chose the company where my senior worked after graduating from university. After joining the company, I often go drinking with my seniors, and visit the seniors' house from time to time, and I am also very familiar with Mrs. Serizawa. "About two years ago, the senior met a dancer in a certain nightclub. I also went to that nightclub a few times with him. To be honest, it was a low-style entertainment venue. The dancer's alias was Maya, and she was about 10 years old. In her mid-twenties, her speech and behavior are very frivolous. From any point of view, she is a woman who is extremely unsuitable for her seniors. "At that time, the senior had been married for four years, and the husband and wife began to worry about the emptiness of their knees... I think it may have something to do with the senior's playing with such a woman. I heard the senior said that he likes children very much. Looking forward to having a child of my own soon, but things backfired. The senior said angrily that it was not my problem? Or was it his wife’s problem? "However, the relationship between the senior and the woman named Maya only lasted for a short period of two or three months. After all, she was a bad woman with very bad conduct. One day, she was absent from work for no reason. I will never see her again. Maybe she has gone away with a certain man, or she may go to other places to fool around. As for the senior, he will never go to that nightclub again. He regained his true colors as a family man, I think It’s a relief to see this situation.” Kijima stopped here after speaking in one breath, and he glanced at me to spy on my reaction. "Please continue." After I said this, he nodded and started talking again. "Since then, the relationship between husband and wife has become gluey again, and I have never heard any gossip about the senior's relationship with men and women. The senior is also very popular with female colleagues in the company, but even if a female colleague approaches him, He was also indifferent. "But this spring—well, it should be the cold spring season in March. "It was Saturday night, and I went out for a drink with a few colleagues from the company. I didn't expect to see the figure of the senior by accident. It was quite late, and we just came out of the bar, and happened to bump into the senior passing by the door... …At first, I wanted to say hello to him, but I didn't say hello in the end, because there was a woman beside him. "It was a woman I had never seen before, but I couldn't see her face clearly at the time. She was about the same height as Mrs. Serizawa or a little taller, wearing a bright red coat, giving a very gaudy impression. She has long wavy hair, heavy makeup, and sunglasses even though it is night. "The senior and the woman squeezed into the weekend crowd, walking arm in arm. The woman lowered her head slightly, as if avoiding the eyes of others. They didn't notice us and hurried past the bar door." "So, this woman is Serizawa's mistress?" "Well——" Kijima avoided my sight and continued, "If you say it's an ordinary girlfriend, it seems that it shouldn't be so close. But that woman is not the same as a prostitute. "Actually, that's the only time I saw that woman. However, other colleagues also witnessed the same scene on another day, which shows that I saw the right person. "A month later, the activity group of the university held a class reunion, and my senior and I went to it. I decided to take the opportunity to ask him. Even if we meet in the company, it is inconvenient to ask such a thing, let alone the senior in the company. A dignified person with a head and a face. At the class reunion, everyone relaxed. I had three glasses of wine with my senior, and when the conversation became more and more intense, I took advantage of the momentum to bring this up. "I said that about a month ago, I saw the senior walking along the street with a fashionable woman. I didn't expect the senior to admit it immediately after hearing this, and said without any scruples that it was his mistress. I couldn't believe my ears. , I don’t know how to respond, and my speech became incoherent. Looking back now, I remember that I told the senior that this matter must not be known by your wife. The senior just laughed and looked Tairan, there is absolutely no intention of asking me to keep a secret." "And what was the woman like? What was her name?" My voice was trembling with excitement, but this was by no means the vortex created in my heart by the jealousy of Jun's wife towards that woman. It was neither sorrow nor anger, but some kind of strong "premonition". "I don't know the details." Kijima replied. "The senior didn't mention this woman's occupation, where she lived, and her background, etc. in front of me. Only the woman's name, the senior specially told me Write it to me." So Kijima told me the woman's name: "Okado Sanaka. Okayama's Oka, Hukou's Hukou, Huangsha's Sha, Nara's Na, and finally, the fragrance's incense." Sanaka Okado. The moment I heard this name, my heart felt like it was struck by lightning.This is the same shock as seeing Mariko Serizawa's name in a news report on July 20. I know the name.Moreover, it is very close-fitting.A new sense of "reality" awakened in the empty mind. Who am I? ——Am I Mariko Serizawa?If not, then who am I? The name Okado Sanaka is an important clue. The recovered memory is still just a small piece, a small piece of fragment.However, after thinking hard, so far, at least I have obtained a kind of "confirmation" about my own name: I am Mariko Serizawa, if not, I am Sanaka Okado. This newly gained conviction also became my new subject. I'm definitely one of Mariko Serizawa and Sanaka Okado.But which of the two am I? The vague suspense of the past has now been replaced by a clear alternative.I think, maybe we will see more "truth" later. Is such an idea too optimistic? I am swinging like a pendulum between two possibilities.Yesterday's optimistic outlook seems to be overjoyed. I'm Mariko Serizawa?Or is it Sanaka Okado? The more you think about it, the more confused you become. Suppose I am Mariko Serizawa—— The reasons for its possibility are basically beyond doubt.According to the information we have heard so far, on the morning of July 19th, Serizawa Jun and Mariko were driving home at night when their car fell off a cliff, killing one and injuring the other.The one who survived was Mariko me. But in this case, the question that needs to be answered is: what happened to Jun's mistress Xanaxiang after the incident?Did she never know that Jun had an accident?This is unlikely.Maybe she knew that her lover had an accident, and given her position, it was not convenient for her to do anything.But at least he would try to go to the hospital to see his lover... After the accident, all kinds of people came to the hospital to visit, but it was never heard of a woman like Shanaixiang visiting Jun. There is another problem. Suppose I'm Mariko, but why am I so familiar with Okado Sanaka's name? According to Miki Matsuyama, Mariko suspected that Jun was having an affair this spring.After that, I didn't know Sanaka's name.How did I find out?Did I force you to say it?Or did I figure it out through my own investigation?Have I met Sanaka herself? On the other hand, assuming that I am Sanaka, how can I rewrite the content of "facts"? Speaking of which, the idea that the woman sitting in the car driven by Jun Serizawa is Mariko is based on the testimony of a neighbor who lives in the same apartment building: "Last night, he took his wife and drove out." The two people rescued from the car were in a state of severe burns all over their bodies. My face is still wrapped in bandages, and all my belongings were burned to ashes.The police determined that the man was Serizawa Jun based on the license plate number, but there was no strong evidence that the woman was Mariko. Is it too arbitrary to judge that the woman is Mariko just because she was in the same car with Jun Serizawa?On the contrary, there is also the possibility that Serizawa Jun is in the same car as his mistress Sanaka. For some reason, it wasn't Mariko who sat in the passenger seat of the car, but Sanaka, Serizawa's lover—me.Then, an unexpected car accident happened. Since I was admitted to the hospital, my face has been wrapped in thick bandages.Not to mention the police, even visiting guests, they couldn't see my real face.Plus I've lost all memory of the past. Even if I'm not Mariko but Xanaika, I'm afraid no one will be able to tell... But in this case, there is a big question. Assuming that I am Sanaka, it is not a problem to know the name of Serizawa Mariko, but the question is where is the real Serizawa Mariko now? Yuanzi, who was supposed to drive out with Jun the night before the accident, where did she hide? I was tutored by Dr. Okochi every day when he came to make rounds, but despite this, my memory showed no signs of recovery. I don't think continuing this therapy will cure my amnesia.Although I don't understand what kind of knowledge psychiatry is, I believe that this is my own heart disease, and the person who needs to tie the bell needs to untie it. I'm Mariko Serizawa?Or Sanaka Okado? Now the focus of the problem is here. 可是，单凭自己的深思苦虑已想不出什么东西来了，除非能遇到某种特别的契机。 怎样才能遇到这种契机呢？ 看来……譬如说能确定一些客观“事实”的话，或许就能遇到契机。 我是怎样的—个女人呢？如果把这作为“事实”予以清楚确认的话，在我的记忆深处肯定又会有一些东西苏醒。 我想到了两种确认的方法。 第一种方法，用自己的眼睛来比较圆子的脸部照片和自己的容貌。不过依目前情况来说，这种方法是行不通的。我的脸部仍被绷带包裹着，像木乃伊一般。 我不知道什么时候才能除下绷带，而且，就算拆除绷带……唉！我不想考虑这个问题。 第二种方法，是对照指纹。 幸运的是，手部和指尖的伤势全部痊愈了。只要把我的指纹与芹泽圆子的指纹核对，就能确认自己是不是圆子，与此同时也能证明自己是否并非沙奈香。圆子的指纹应该残留在家中的物件——譬如她的化妆品瓶上…… 如此说来，要辨认我的身份，单凭住院中的我的一已之力，是无论如何做不到的。 还是要下定决心向大河内医生说出心里话吧。No!等到拆除脸上绷带的那一天再说罢。 well!我怎样做才好呢？ 昨晚又做噩梦。 最近一段时间，几乎天天晚上都做噩梦。半夜被自己的叫声吓得从床上跳起。 噩梦的内容大都是抽象的，令自己置身于意味不明的恐怖之中。等醒来时，往往忘了做梦的内容。 但是昨晚的梦……它与以前的梦不同。它具有具体的影像、声音、气味和感触，而且到现在还能清晰地回忆起来。 ……冰冷的感触。奇妙的冷而柔软的感触。 坐在坚硬椅子上的我，似乎被绳子绑住一般，身体呈硬直状态。 两侧下垂的手因麻痹而无法动弹，连手指头也不能随意活动，眼睛一眨都不眨，简直像一具断了发条的玩具人偶。 使我产生冰冷触感的是几双白皙的手，对着不能动弹的我，毫无顾忌地抚摸我的身体和脸部。 （可悲的木乃伊人偶君……） 耳畔传来嗫嚅声。药水及发霉物品的难闻气味随之扑鼻而来。 （啊！真可怜啊。但不用害怕，拆绷带不是什么恐怖的事……） 接下来，只听到纱布的摩擦声，白皙而冰凉的多只手正在缓慢地解开缠在我脸上的长长绷带。 ……抑压住感情的微弱呼吸声……与呼吸的节奏合拍，我的脸慢慢露出了真面目。 （哇！） 方才的声音发出惊呼。 （啊！无可救药了，人偶君。） 白皙的手突然在我眼前消失了。我正在想跑到哪儿去了，不一会白手持着大大小小的镜子又回到我的面前。 （喂！看看自己的尊容吧。） 声音虽柔和，但带有命令口吻。 （别害怕！睁开眼，好好地看看自己不要转移视线，人偶君。） 白手持着的多面镜子中，映现的足同一张面孔。虽说明知是自己，但我花了不少时间才认得。 眼前封面是桃红、紫色、黑色……混合着各种污浊眼色的被压扁的球形肉块，下巴的一部分呈赤红龟裂状，溃烂臃肿的肉缝中露出两颗正在狠狠盯着自己的眼珠…… （可怜呀！） （大可怜啦，人偶君。） （多悲哀哦！） （多不幸哦！） （大丑陋啦！） （多恐怖喔！） 我对天长嗥。然后——眼前一片漆黑。 啊，这样下去，我必定会发疯。 迄今为止，我试图以冷静、理性的态度竭尽全力解决自己的问题。为了取回心中失去的部分，我排除各种烦恼，拼命独自思考，终于取得自己不是芹泽圆子就是冈户沙奈香的“确信”。But-- 已经过去一周以上的时间了，这问题到现在还是“谜”。 记得十一月三日的日记中，我提出两种用来辨识我是两人当中的哪一个的方法。但是缠在脸上的绷带至今未能拆除，而我又失去双足，只能关在这四〇九室的笼子里。两种方法一个也不能实施…… 看来，必须请人帮忙，单凭我的一己之力是不行的。但是，目前能找到可以完全信赖的人吗？ 包围着我的人是一大河内医生、以町田范子为首的护理人员，偶尔来探视的外科病房的吉村医生……他们果真能够理解我心里面的想法吗？ 来看望我的松山美树，还有木岛久志——这两人的情况也一样。 诚然，他们深深地同情我，向我提供冈户沙奈香这个重要人物的情报。但与此同时，他们把仅仅是心绪混乱的我当做精神病患者看待。如此说来，对他们也不能信任。 就这样，我日复一日地烦恼度日……我对于能否保持正常的精神状态开始失去信心了。 每晚做噩梦亦然。昨晚梦见的、前晚梦见的，都与前几天记述的梦相同。 我感到恐惧了。 我经常从病房的窗口眺望外面的景色。由于窗子离开病床有一段距离，我必须坐上轮椅移动过去。 每次移动都会使我意识到这里是精神科病房。冰冷的铁格子镶嵌在狭窄的窗框上…… 这里是精神科病房四〇九室。 迄今为止，有多少患者在这间闭锁的房间中度过苦恼的日子呢？苦恼？——不，他们之中恐怕多数与这种感情无缘，他们在自己制造出来的疯狂时节中度过只属于自己的幸福时光。 从四楼窗口看出去的十一月风景，是一片阴暗和荒凉。 树叶落光的树木，灰色的钢筋水泥建筑群……远处的山峦和天空没有一点立体感，构成一幅阴郁而单调的图画。 Lonely. 对这个词所内涵的恐怖意味，到现在我才有切肤之感。 谁也救不了我。没有人是可以让我信赖的。甚至存在于此地的“我”，仿佛也身心分离，难以捉摸…… 我厌烦了，讨厌一个人在这里做困兽之斗！ 倒不如把心中所思全部向大河内医生和盘托出吧！ 我决定在作为日课的辅导时间里，向大河内医生说出我心里所想的事情：或许，我不是芹泽圆子，而是叫做冈户沙奈香的另一个女子。 “我明白你说的意思。”默默地听我讲完最后一句话，精神科医生兴趣盎然地说道，“冈户沙奈香，是吗？这个名字是你突然想起的吗？” “嗯，是这样。” “然后，你觉得很可能就是你本人的名字……”戴在小而匀称的圆脸上的大眼镜深处，米粒般的小眼睛眨巴着。 他对我的看法至少没有立即予以否定，甚至还摆出认真接受的样子。这无疑是对我的极大鼓舞。接着我又诉说希望尽早辨别我的身份，为此有必要对照相片或指纹。 “关于照片，较早前已交给你了。但你的脸部目前还包着绷带，我们不知道何时才能拆带。” “需要很长时间吗？” “我不是这方面的专科医生，没办法告诉你。” “医生！”我稍微加强语气，向他紧逼，“如果你知道的话，请毫不隐瞒地告诉我——我的脸孔，是不是已经见不得人……” “不是如此，芹泽。千万不要往坏的方面想。”他赶紧安慰我，但从他的语调里隐约感觉到有掩饰的成分，“至于指纹对照，你一定要做吗？取得芹泽圆子本人的指纹看来不难做到。” 他答应近期帮我做这件事。 差不多隔了一周再写日记。 大河内医生好像压根忘了取指纹的事，完全没有此事的通报，我只能保持缄默。看来，对他人果然不能信赖。 我的记忆仍然回不到过去，任何进展都没有。内心再焦躁再着急，都无济于事。 我究竟是谁呢？是芹泽圆子？还是冈户沙奈香？ 翻来覆去的思考，脑子快要爆炸了。 绷带几时才能拆除呢？ 我越来越关注这个问题了。虽然我努力控制着不想这个问题，但是，才下眉头又上心头，这问题在心中始终挥之不去。 像以前那样为噩梦烦恼的情况已大幅度减少，但一旦梦见拆带，醒来时都会心痛。 绷带究竟几时可拆？医生们的话可信吗？他们所说的是否全是虚与委蛇的安慰话？绷带下的那张脸是怎么一副样子呢？perhaps…… 每想到此，就令我心惊肉跳，冷汗从背部汩汩流出，不知不觉地大声呼喊起来。 what!我的精神看来真有点不大正常了。 内心不期然产生拆带的冲动——用自己的手，把绷带撕下来！ what!不行呀。This is horrible. 我不敢做这样的事。 绷带下面的我的脸…… 今天一整天都有想喊叫的冲动。 绷带下的…… 我觉得不耐烦了，极度的不耐烦！我不想再考虑任何问题了。 绷带之下或许是一张瘢痕累累的丑脸。 一定如此。一定是一张无可救药的极其丑陋的妖怪脸孔…… 我索性不抱任何希望了，破罐子破摔（早死早超生）反而让人痛快一些。 我实在忍耐不住了。 不论是谁——神也好，恶魔也好，能帮我的就是我的再生父母。 我已经失去双腿，我也没有了脸孔，连心灵也失去了。可怜的丑女哟！大家同情我，但又避忌我、惧怕我。 有人在我背后指指点点，有人还白眼相加……我不知不觉地套上假面，为了隐藏这张臭脸，也为了忘却空白的心灵。 平板而空白的假面。 我是丑陋的怪物，怪物。是怪物。是怪物是怪物是怪物。怪物怪物怪物怪物怪物怪物怪物怪物怪物怪物怪物怪物怪物怪物怪物怪物怪物怪物。 monster. 十一月二十九日，星期天早上。护士町田范子同平时一样，在早上八点半推着装载早餐的手推车向四〇九室走来。 已经好几天了，患者沉默寡言，处于严重的抑郁状态。这不是好现象，主治医生大河内也颇为担心。 这不是没有道理的，范子想。 因为车祸，最亲爱的人亡故，再加上自己的双腿被切除、又丧失了记忆……身体上的烧伤大致上已康复，但脸部的烧伤颇严重…… 虽然总是对患者说没问题，但那是按照医生指示所说的安慰话。 每天范子替患者换绷带，纱布下的皮肤烂得惨不忍睹。虽说近年来整形外科技术突飞猛进，但如此严重的烧伤…… 患者本人似乎也有所察觉。医生们究竟准备在何时才告诉患者真相呢？一旦患者知道真相，她又会受到多大的冲击呢？ 想到这些问题，心头顿时隐隐作痛。 我可不能露出担心的神情——范子提醒自己。 一切按照医生的吩咐去做就是了。我只做自己的本分工作。 在此之前，范子在这栋病房护理过多名患者。患者的病情各有不同，她对这些患者相应产生各种各样的感情——有时产生强烈的同情和怜悯，有时又感到巨大的恐怖和嫌恶……但时间长了，终于学会抑止感情和把感情隐藏于内心的本领。 她时时警惕自己不要对患者过分关心和产生感情。尤其在这种精神科病房，可谓危机四伏，做事非极度小心谨慎不可。 车子已推到四〇九室门前。 舒展紧锁的眉头，露出职业性的假面。但当范子通过镶嵌了黑色铁格子的房门小窗往室内望了一眼，吓得大声惊叫起来。 不得了呀！出事啦！ 本应仰天躺在病床上的患者变成了俯睡姿势。不仅如此，患者的头部无力地垂挂在床边。已解开的长绷带，被染得赤红，鲜血滴在地毯上…… 范子把车子丢在门前，脚步慌乱地在走廊里奔跑。 患者只是失去知觉，生命没有危险。 好像是一时处于精神错乱状态，患者把脸部和头上的绷带撕下，用手搔脸，又将头部撞向金属床架。由于出血以鼻血为主，受伤程度不算严重。苏醒后由于精神错乱，患者不理睬医生的抚慰，只管自己胡言乱语。 两天后，患者终于恢复平静，脸部又像原先一样包起白色的绷带。 从今开始再写日记。 好歹又振作起精神来了。那一天不知道是怎么搞的？竟有胆量做那样的事。现在还活着，也有点不可思议。 那一天，我把包在脸上的绷带解开了。 我实在忍耐不住那种被不安与恐惧折磨的日子，我想尽早了解我的脸部受创情况。 病房里没有镜子，我无法用自己的双眼来看自己的容貌。为此我将包在脸上的绷带解开一半，然后提心吊胆地用手触摸露出的额头和脸颊。 毛毛糙糙的凹凸不平触感说明了一切。 没错，我的脸已经毁容…… 此后我做了些什么？我和平常一样躺在病床上，脸上重新包了绷带。 做那件事是明智的，我想。 因为对脸部受创情况做了确认。 做那件事是明智的，它让我死了心。 只有义无反顾地死心，才能让我继续保持心智正常。 从此以后我不再具有常人的幸运。当我获悉双腿被切除的那一刻起，就已觉悟到这一点。现在即使加上脸部毁容，也无需再悲叹了。 任何的慰藉和鼓励，对我来说都无济于事了。 做一天和尚撞一天钟吧。我对人生不存任何希望，也不考虑明天的事。 昨天的日记中写到不考虑明天的事，因为像我这样的残躯，根本不存在“将来”。 如果说在我身上还留下什么东西的话，那只有“过去”了。过去——对过去的回忆…… 还要再开始思考吗？ 以前的问题原封不动地残存下来。 我是芹泽圆子吗？还是冈户沙奈香？ 答案不论是哪一个，只要能够取回记忆，至少能够想起她深爱着叫做芹泽峻的男性，而她也被芹泽峻深爱过。昨天的日记中写到慰藉对我毫无用处，但我至少希望有人帮我恢复记忆。 So-- 我是圆子吗？还是沙奈香？ 不管怎么说，弄清这个问题是先决条件。 what!想起点什么了。 新的记忆断片复苏了。完全是突如其来、毫无先兆、好像在心中亮起鲜红的闪光。 房间中有一只小羽虫在飞翔。 已经十二月了，怎么会有这样的虫子飞入室内？ 它从躺在病床上的我的眼前扑棱扑棱地飞过。这是虫子的振翅声，虽然传人绑着绷带的耳朵里面声音变得微弱，但仍然令我感到尖利而嘈吵…… At this moment—— 在心不在焉看着虫子飞过的我的心中，蓦然产生了杀意。 我伸出双手，扑打虫子。只听到啪地一声，分开了手掌，看到黏在一侧手掌上的已被打烂的虫子残骸一这是一瞬间发生的事情。 “杀死了！”这句话不由得从脑子中跳出来。 杀死了…… 被杀死的虫子和杀死虫子的我的手。然后，在我的视网膜中虫子残骸突然消失了，代之而映现在视网膜上的是另一样东西。 ……白得不自然的细脖子。 这是人的脖子。没多久又出现了两只伸出来扼住这细脖子的手。 ……呻吟声。 ……乱甩的黑头发。 ……强烈的香水气味。 ……吧嗒吧嗒胡乱摆动的手脚。 ……飞散的汗水、口吐白沫。 ……像警钟猛敲般的心脏跳动。 好像连锁反应似的，各种影像、声音、感觉一个接一个地从心底喷涌而出。 对方的脸孔不清楚，但可以肯定是个女人。伸出的两只手则是“我”的手。骑在跌倒在地板上的那女人的身上，“我”死命地扼住她的脖子。不知花了多长的时间，我气喘如牛…… 那女人终于一动都不动了。从唇端吐出的舌头，凸出白眼珠的双眼，变成离开脸部的特写镜头。 我——是我杀了人！ 真有点讽刺！好不容易找回来死去了的“过去”，却是令人懊恼的结果。脑中苏醒的竟然是杀人的回忆…… Is there a mistake? 反复地问自己。没错，那确是“我干的事”。 但是想不起在何处杀了谁，也不清楚为什么要那样做。唯一可以肯定的是，我在某时某地亲手勒死了一名女子。 杀人…… 我杀了人。 虽然已过了一天，但无意中重现的这个恐怖的记忆不但无法在脑中消除，反而迅速成长为伴随着罪恶意识的“确信”。 （我杀了人。） 心中大声呼喊着。 （我杀了人。杀人！杀人……） 发出这种声音的同时，又产生一个疑问的声音：我杀的究竟是谁？ 对方是女性——而且是比较年轻的女性。除此之外，就什么都记不起了。什么时候杀她的呢？在何处下手？为什么要杀人？ 我是芹泽圆子吗？还是冈户沙奈香？ 经反复考虑后，我强烈地偏向认为自己的正体是沙奈香。 我是冈户沙奈香。我爱芹泽峻，峻也爱我。然后，沙奈香或许与峻共谋，杀死了妨碍两人恋情的麻烦人物。 那一天——发生事故的前一天即七月十八日的晚上，芹泽峻诱妻乘车外出，然后，譬如说把车子开到人迹罕至的地方，让她与预先等在那里的峻的情妇对决。是不是预先计划好的不清楚，总之沙奈香杀死了圆子……这样就解答了假定我是沙奈香所遇到的疑问——圆子消失在何处？ 杀了圆子后，峻和我把尸体装在车子的行李箱中，为了运至某处山中埋葬，或者沉尸海底，我们开车出了远门。在回来的路上，两人出了车祸。 可是，若作进一步考虑，同样的假设，在我是圆子的场合也成立呀。 譬如是这样的情况： 芹泽峻仍然深爱圆子，开始想和逢场作戏的玩伴沙奈香结束关系。可是沙奈香方面不想分手，紧紧黏住峻不放。而且威胁说若再提出分手的事便把两人的关系向圆子和盘托出…… 又或者有这种可能：注意到丈夫有不轨行为的圆子逼迫峻，要求与他的情妇会面。在会面之际，怒不可遏的圆子失手杀死了对方。 在这种场合，被杀的女人是沙奈香，杀死她的是“我”，也就是圆子了。 那么，我是圆子吗？又或者是沙奈香吗？被杀的是圆子吗？又或者是沙奈香吗？ 问题又兜回原来的地方。 前晚、昨晚连续做相同的梦。这不是以前经常被压住的关于“脸孔”的梦，这次梦到的是…… 一具女性的尸体。这是被我杀死的那个女人的尸体。残留在苍白喉咙上的指痕、凌乱的头发、暗紫色发胀的脸（是谁则看不清楚）、破烂的衣服、僵硬的手臂…… 这具尸体被塞进车尾行李箱中。 midnight.手电筒的幽幽光线、虫子的呜叫声、不远处传来的山涧潺潺水声。清凉潮湿的风…… 鼻子接触到草木的气味。铁锹。黑色的泥土。在地面上挖出的坑穴…… 从行李箱搬出的女性尸体。难闻的恶臭味、气喘、目眩、呕吐。 尸体滚落坑穴。手电筒的黄色光线从死者脸上移过。两颗白眼珠，仿佛想诉怨似的盯视着我…… 虽然是梦，却活灵活现。或许——不，这多半是…… 这个梦似乎显示了新的记忆苏醒。 昨晚见到的也是相同的梦。不仅如此，今天白天醒着的时候，每次一闭眼，与梦相同的光景便鲜活地在我脑海中呈现。 我杀死了一名女子，然后—— 把尸体塞进车尾行李箱中运往某处埋葬。那么是什么地方呢？根据梦境，应在靠近溪流的山林中。 MICHINOTANI（注：日文“道之谷”的罗马拼音文字）。 今天，一如既往吃町田范子送来的晚餐时，没有任何预兆地突然想起了这个地名。 MICHINOTANI——道之谷。 从车子发生事故的花背岗一直向北——沿弯弯曲曲的山路前行，不久到达一个名叫佐佐里的小村落，再从这里开车进入未铺装的林道…… 以“道之谷”这个地名为契机，被埋葬的记忆逐次苏醒。 道之谷的林道。立着一块写着“往北水无岗，一小时”的古老路牌。沿着林道的小溪。郁郁苍苍的杂木林…… 很快，这些记忆断片便与梦中的“埋尸处”的光景叠合起来。 对啦、对啦。 佐佐里、道之谷、去北水无岗的路牌附近的杂木林——那就是埋葬女人尸体的地方了。 Who am I?解答这个疑问的决定性证据