Chapter 2 The Hand of the Nightmare—Patients in Room 313

It happened to be the time for the patients in the large ward after lunch to gather in the space called "Community Hall" and move around freely.On the large TV screen in the corner of the spacious hall, the young female anchor reported that the weather has entered the rainy season. Unknowingly let out a sigh - alas!The season of blues is finally here... What I hate the most in my life is rain. Although I am not someone who likes to run around outside, as a re-examinee (and already in the third year), I would rather spend more time in the claustrophobia at home, even so, I still hate rain, especially the kind of rain The days when it was raining non-stop.

The image of small black stains slowly spreading on the white shirt came to my mind, which made me feel uncomfortable.Suddenly, every part of the body seemed to be moldy and rotten.A sudden thought in my heart: it would be better to live in the depths of the desert! Once again and with a conscious sigh, I switched the paper bag from my left hand to my right, avoiding the patients staring at me. I hurried through the living room and walked to the target ward. This is the psychiatric ward of K×× General Hospital. Thinking about it, it has been a long time since I visited my mother who was hospitalized.When was the last time you came to visit? —A month ago?No, maybe more than a month.

White walls, a white ceiling, a light green carpet on the floor, and doors that were also painted green at equal intervals on both sides of the dark corridor. The unchanging and indifferent scenery with no decorative atmosphere at all, no interviewer wants to come a second time, unless he has to. The single-entry ward my mother stayed in was Room 313.If I remember correctly, go to the end and turn left to the third room. Quicken your pace a little and go around the corner of the corridor.At this moment, he unexpectedly collided with someone who was turning from the opposite direction. Although it cannot be said to be a violent collision, I lost my balance and fell to the ground.The paper bag flew from his hand, and the contents of the bag were scattered on the floor.The other party let out a small exclamation, and took two or three steps back.

"Ah! I'm so sorry!" Saying sorry in a panic and approaching me was a young nurse. "Morio" is written on the round name tag hanging on the chest of the white robe.This was the first time I saw the name, maybe it was a new nurse. "I don't have eyes when I walk, I'm too careless." With my ass still on the floor, I looked up at the face of the person who sincerely apologized to me.Like the name, this is an unseen face.A pair of red round-rimmed glasses are placed on the chubby cute face. About twenty-five years old or so.Judging by her size, she is a whole size bigger than me.That said, it doesn't mean that she is a tall woman.Mainly because I am small among men - I am 21 years old this year, but my height is less than 150 centimeters and my weight is only 40 kilograms.

"No problem? Are you injured?" I shook my head slightly to say "no problem", and put my hands on the floor to stand up.She squatted down and hurriedly picked up the things scattered on the floor. "Thank you!" I panicked and said, "It was all my carelessness that surprised you." "these things……" She turned to look at me curiously.Among the items that fell out of the paper bag were notebooks, pencil cases, several reference books and practice questions, and a book-sized box wrapped in dark green velvet. "Because I'm living a re-examination life."

Avoiding her gaze, I replied shyly, "Today I skipped classes from the cram school and came here to visit my mother." "What? Your mother?" The nurse tilted her head suspiciously.I can only explain further: "Mineko Kanzaki who lives in Room 313 is my mother. I am her son Tadashi." "Mrs. Kanzaki..." The nurse muttered something, then stared at me again. "Could it be that you are Mr. Kanzaki's nephew?" "Well... yes, it's next." The "Mr. Kanzaki" she was referring to was my uncle Kanzaki Yoshihiko, the older brother of my father Kanzaki Tsunehiko who died a year ago. He is currently the chief of surgery at this general hospital.After that sad incident happened a year ago, I heard that my uncle arranged to send my mentally disturbed mother here to be hospitalized.Whether that's true or not, I don't know.

The nurse put the picked up items into the paper bag one by one, then looked at me who was still unable to stand up, and asked: "Is there something wrong?" "I feel a little numbness in my leg, as if I can't exert myself. Ah! No. No problem." I pretended to be nonchalant and tried to smile.At this moment, the attitude of the nurse who looked at me with worried eyes suddenly changed strangely. Stains began to ooze here and there on the white robe. It's a harsh bright red stain. It was as if her body had been pierced with many invisible needles, and blood gushed out.The stain spread rapidly, and it didn't take long for the white robe to turn into blood.

How could this be? What happened? My eyes widened in astonishment. "Mr. Kanzaki?" The nurse called my name.There was nothing flustered in her voice.It seemed that she herself was not aware of her abnormality. "What's the matter, Mr. Kanzaki?" When she asked me this question, I suddenly realized that what I saw just now might be an illusion. Rubbing his eyes vigorously with both hands, he re-examined the other person's posture.Sure enough, the red stain on her coat disappeared without a trace, and she returned to her original white robe. "no problem?"

the nurse asked with growing concern.I was about to nod silently, but at this time the other party changed his face again. "Uh……" I snorted.The other party's double eyelids, big eyes shining brightly, a head of black long hair shawl, and one end of his lips hanging - isn't this the face of my mother Mineko Kanzaki. "Mr. Kanzaki!" At the same time, overlapping with the nurse's cry, a mother's frantic cry came from somewhere. Ah Chung! "Are you okay? Kanzaki-san!" Ah Chung! "Mr. Kanzaki?" Ah Chung! Ah Chung! ... Ah Zhong!

Like a female ghost: the mother holds up her right hand, holding a bloody kitchen knife in her hand.I yelled: "Stop!" But before I could leave my mouth, the sharp point of the knife stabbed towards my thigh. Mother stabbed my leg!One knife, another knife, another knife... please stop! Under my begging, my mother finally stopped.Mother is not really bad.I am the one who is bad, and all the fault lies with me.So, then... "Miss Morio." A voice came from behind: "What are you doing here?" This is a familiar voice.Without turning around, he knew that the speaker was Yuko Komae, the head nurse of this ward.

I came to my senses.Next to me was the anxious nurse. She was wearing a spotless white gown. Needless to say, her face was completely different from that of my mother... "I am so sorry!" I shook my head slowly and said: "Suddenly felt dizzy." "What happened? Miss Morio." The head nurse Komae, who was walking quickly, asked displeasedly.The shrewd and capable head nurse, who seemed to be in her fifties, closed her thin lips tightly and stared at the young nurse with stern eyes. "I accidentally bumped into it at the corner of the corridor. But it's okay." Before the nurse could speak, I gave this answer. Supporting the wall with one hand, I finally stood up slowly.The nerves in the thigh seemed to be severed, and the feet still felt numb and unable to exert strength. "Mr. Kanzaki." The head nurse turned to me, her gaze softening immediately. "Are you here to visit Lingtang?" "Well. How's my mother doing?" "Not bad. The state has completely stabilized." "What about getting along with other patients?" "Fine. You don't have to worry." "Then I can rest assured." "But when you meet Lingtang, be careful not to stimulate her too much." "Yes, I understand." Having said that, I glanced at the young nurse standing beside me. "Is this lady the new nurse?" I asked questions that even I thought were stupid. The head nurse replied: "Her name is Morio Yuan. She served in the surgical ward before being transferred here." "I see. Then she will be under my uncle..." "Yes. I have been taking care of Mr. Kanzaki for a long time." A stiff smile appeared on the face of the nurse named Morio.I accepted the paper bag she handed over, bowed my head slightly, and the two left in opposite directions. While walking slowly in the corridor with his lost legs, he secretly encouraged himself: "Cheer up!" Yes, it is necessary to cheer up.If not, I am afraid that even I will bring trouble to this hospital. What happened to the hallucination just now? In fact, it is completely unnecessary to ask, and the reason is self-evident.In short, the damage caused by the incident that happened a year ago is still seared in my heart. One year ago, on June 16, it rained for two or three days in a row, and the Meteorological Agency finally announced that the weather was coming.The incident happened that night. Mother suddenly went berserk. On the quilt in the dormitory, the mother suddenly strangled the father's neck, trying to strangle him to death.Resisted by her father, she took a kitchen knife from the kitchen and killed him.I hurried into the dormitory because of the accident, and then she turned and attacked me.The sharp blade dripping with my father's blood pierced my leg, once, again, and again... Soon, she tried to commit suicide next to me, who was in a state of despair, but she couldn't die anyway.As a result, she called the police herself and surrendered to the police.After being supervised by a psychiatrist, he believed that it was a morbid insanity homicide, and there was no need to bear responsibility, so he was exempted from prosecution.After that, she was admitted to this hospital. Since she was admitted to the hospital, the mother's condition is indeed developing in a good direction.This spring, the doctor judged that she was no longer a danger of harming others, and moved her from the locked private ward to the current ward... While regurgitating what had happened in the past year like looking through a historical chronology, I walked to the door of Room 313.To calm myself, I took several deep breaths. cheer up! everything is over.There is no need to feel horrible anymore. My father is no longer in this world, and my mother lives alone in this ward.Whether it's for my dead father or my surviving mother, I must achieve my goal of being admitted to college next year. He knocked on the door with his hand.Without waiting for an answer, I turned the handle of the door. "Mother?" In the depths of the dark room with the lights turned off, the figure of my mother in a white nightgown was reflected.Standing by the window, she seemed to be looking at the scenery outside. "Good afternoon! Mom." Hearing my voice, my mother turned her head quietly.Because of the backlight, I couldn't see her expression clearly. "It's me, Zhong." Enter the room and close the door behind you. "It's been a long time since I came to see you. I just talked to the head nurse in the corridor. Well, the head nurse is right. You look really good. You are much more energetic than when I came last time." I walked in as clear and relaxed as I could. In addition to the hospital bed, there are two armchairs surrounding a small wooden table in the ward.I sat down in a chair in front of me, and my mother moved away from the window and sat down in another chair. Mother looks really good.However, the cheeks are still sunken, and the hair is pulled back, making him look more haggard. She looked at me with a peaceful smile on her face, but I felt that there was some kind of bottomless darkness hidden behind this smile.Perhaps, the preconceived notion that she was "crazy" came naturally to me. "Have you read well?" This is the opening line that my mother must say when she meets me on any occasion. "Yes, studying hard, please don't worry." I will answer right away. "Will I be able to enter university next year?" "no problem." I tried my best to pretend to be full of confidence, nodded and said: "At that time, my mother will recover completely. I will take the admission to the university as a great gift for my mother." My mother's biggest (perhaps only) preoccupation with every meeting and conversation was my college entrance exam questions. Even at this moment when she has lost the ability to recognize reality, she is still the same as before, worried about whether her son is "studying well"?She hopes day and night that her son can be admitted to a "first-class" university, even if she is insane, this wish remains the same. At this moment, what is the psychological state of the mother? Of course I can't know correctly (even those specialist doctors may be the same), just based on my imagination and guessing, she should have completely forgotten the events that happened a year ago: killing her father, stabbing me, being arrested by the police—— Those nasty memories are all sealed in the bottom of my heart.In order to maintain a certain level of mental balance, she may find completely different reasons to understand her current situation. "What happened to the cram school today?" My mother asked me in a tone that suddenly reminded me: "Did you skip class and come here?" "no no!" I hurriedly lied to cover it up, "The cram school is closed today." "Oh, it would be great if you took the time to visit your mother. Ah Zhong, for you, the most important thing is to study, understand? Yes……" You were not a very bright child—perhaps she swallowed that last sentence.Thinking of this, I can't help but feel a little sad. Regarding my mother's exhortation, I nodded with an "um".Mother narrowed her eyes with a satisfied expression, and nodded to me.My mood then relaxes. A damp warm wind suddenly blew from the front, only to find that the window of the ward was open.You can hear the rustling of rain outside.While smoothing my hair that was blown by the wind, I looked at the gray sky outside the window, and couldn't help but sigh softly. "Oh my god," I said with a slightly changed tone, "I'm here to visit you this time, and I want to ask you something by the way." "whats the matter?" While looking up at my mother’s tilted face, I put my right hand into the paper bag next to the chair, took out the item I wanted to inquire about inside—the box wrapped in green velvet, held it with both hands, and slowly put it on the table. "how?" Mother held her breath and stared at the box with her eyes wide open. In an instant, the calm expression just now disappeared without a trace. "Found it last night." I said anxiously: "It's hidden in the piano. Did my mother put it in?" "Why do you do that kind of rummaging?" "Looking for medicine for a headache. The first aid kit is missing. I thought it should be placed in a corner of the house, so I searched everywhere, but I couldn't think of..." "Have you opened the lid of that grand piano?" "yes." "how can……" Mother's face became stiff, she hesitated, her eyes staring at the box on the table flickered uncomfortably, and her tight lips trembled irregularly. "Honestly, finding this box confuses me. If I don't know what's in it, it's going to distract me from reading. So I must ask you." My mother's expression was frozen, and she didn't respond to my question. Oops, I thought.I didn't expect my mother's embarrassing reaction when she saw the box at first.I remembered what the head nurse told me not to over-irritate my mother.However, I have to raise this question with my mother anyway. "What's in it? It's locked with a lock, which means there are important things in it. Mom, don't you think so?" I lifted the box and shook it lightly, and there was a blunt rattling sound inside.The box is not too heavy, at least it can be judged that it does not contain diamonds or gold jewelry. "Now, mother, tell me. What's in it? What are you hiding?" "..." "Mom, tell me!" "--Ugh!" Mother sighed and said, "I can't tell. You can just open it and look." "But it can't be opened, so I brought it here specially. Where is the key hidden? Is it with my mother?" "--no!" "why not?" Mother fell silent again.I saw her lips were tightly closed and her eyes were straight.She is only forty years old, with a vicissitudes of life, she looks like an eighty-year-old old woman. The white lace curtains were raised, and a gust of warm wind blew into the room again, and the sound of the rain outside was much louder than before. I wanted to close the window, so I got up from the chair.At this moment— There was a slight sound under the mother's feet.Taking a closer look, a small thing emitting silver light fell to the floor.Surprised, I bent down and picked it up. "Ah, the key..." I stared into my mother's face and said: "It must be the key to this box. Sure enough, it's my mother who hid the key." "..." I sat back in the chair and carefully inserted the key into the keyhole on the front of the box. The lid snapped open.Inside was a B5 size notebook with a navy blue cover. "what is this?" Some kind of indescribable premonition (perhaps "fear" is more suitable to describe it) suddenly came to my heart.I stared at my mother's face again. "Whose notebook?" The mother remained silent, with no expression on her face, her head tilted slightly, her blank eyes fixed on a certain point in the air. I took the notebook out of the box and gently opened the cover. My name is かんざきただし. ただし is written as "loyalty" in Chinese characters. The kanji of かんざき (神崎) is difficult, I can't write well. Dad's name is Heng Yan. Mother's name is Fengyu. My mother is very kind and kind, and I like her very much. Dad is kind of scary. Dad has to go to the company every day. He drives a white car to work. When I grow up in the future, I also want to go to the company with my father. These are some crooked pencil words that ignore the notebook's grid lines.Since it was written by Tadashi Kanzaki—that is, myself—when I was young, it is a "diary". Although the indoor temperature is not high, the palm of the hand holding the notebook began to sweat. Poor handwriting, simple words and sentences, and then constitute an article, what is described is a child's "composition" that is not unusual.However, after just reading this first page, the "premonition" that caught me inexplicably swelled up. "Are these words really written by me?" Mother remained silent. I wanted to say, "Why don't I have any memory of writing this kind of diary at all?" But looking back, this kind of thinking may come from an instinctive self-defense reaction.A strong sense of hesitation combined with a burgeoning sense of "hunch" forced me to review my past. When did I write these words?How old were you? Was it in the first or second grade of elementary school?He must have been six or seven years old at the time.I was... (……Uh?) What kind of child was I then? What kind of appearance do you have?What is the name of the elementary school you attended?Which friends do you hang out with?What was in your mind at that time? (Why? All these things...) I became restless.The sweat oozed from the palms became more and more sticky. Nothing comes to mind, that is to say, nothing comes to mind. However, this is not the first time this has happened, and it has often happened before... But what happened this time? I looked at my mother sitting across the table again.She clenched her lips tightly, as if an old monk had fallen into a trance. I think it's better to read on.Perhaps more news will be revealed later. In this way, the memory will be more or less revived, and the reason why the mother kept it in the box can be solved. However, "premonition" has obviously been replaced by "fear" at this moment.Don't read it! ——From somewhere in the heart came this timid voice. Blinking vigorously to erase the sound, I finally made up my mind to read on. Last night, I had a strange dream. I don't really remember the content, but it was a terrible dream anyway. I used to have a lot of nightmares too. The nasty animals in the zoology I have - snakes, lizards, other reptiles, etc. - come out in dreams. I also had a dream about a big black car driving somewhere. I also had dreams about my mother disappearing. I also had a dream of falling from a very high roof. But none of these nightmares could compare to the horror and hardship of last night's dream. I don't want to have this dream again. If you don't listen to what your mother says, you will have such a dream. I've been a good boy all day today, and I don't think I'll have any strange dreams at night. Today is my seventh birthday. Dad came home from work earlier than usual. Dinner was also earlier than usual. Everyone finished eating around six o'clock.Then eat the birthday cake that Dad bought. I love cake and Coca-Cola the most. Mom said: Ah Zhong is seven years old today, and he needs to put seven candles in.She put seven candles on the big round birthday cake. Dad lit the candle with a lighter. "Happy birthday to you" - everyone clapped their hands and sang the birthday song together. Then, I took a deep breath and blew out the candles. I blew as hard as I could, but there were three candles still burning.Inhaling again, and with the help of my mother, I blew out all the candles. Dad gave me a beautiful botanical map as a birthday present. My mother played congratulations to me on the piano. Mom and Dad were all smiling and very happy.I'm also very happy. After that, my father and mother had important matters to discuss, and I went back to the study room to write a diary. But my mood couldn't be calm, and I was elated. It's just that I had a strange dream last night, which made me very uncomfortable. Had a strange dream again. It was a terrible and exhausting dream. Really annoying! Will you do it again tonight? I sleep with my father and mother at night. My quilt is spread between Mom and Dad's quilts. I usually fall asleep around nine o'clock.Mom and Dad will go to bed later. I have to drink the potion before going to bed. That's the pink potion I've been drinking since I was a baby. Pour the potion into a small cup and drink it in one gulp. Usually my mother feeds me the medicine. This potion tastes bitter, thin and not good to drink. My mother said that in order for me to grow up to be a normal person like my father or mother, I must take this medicine. So, frowning, I drank the bad-tasting potion. After drinking the medicine, I got into bed and fell asleep all at once. I want to grow up and be a normal person early. I didn't have a dream last night, so I feel a little relieved. Had that terrible dream again. I still seem to remember what happened in my dream today. It was a dream that hurt the throat. I wanted to open my eyes because it was so sad, but I couldn't. I could hear myself moaning "Woo, woo". But my mind was pitch black and I couldn't see anything. But the throat is very sad. It was as if someone had strangled my neck. Then I woke up suddenly. My whole body was drenched with sweat, and my throat was so sad that I wanted to cry. My father and mother are sleeping in the quilt on both sides. Although the room was dark, the postures of the two could be vaguely seen. I want to wake up mom.But I'm seven years old, my mother will make fun of me if I do that, so it's better not to wake up my mother. I couldn't sleep for a while because of fear. I never want to have such a hard dream again. I want friends. Since I was a child, I had no friends. So I have a cat at home. This is a very cute cat with mixed black and white hairs. Its name is Yomora. Yomora and I are on good terms. During the day when my mother is not playing with me, I play with Yomora. When I threw the ball my father bought for me to play, Yomora ran around happily. After stroking its throat and belly, Yomora would comfortably close his eyes and turn over. Yomora is funny.However, Yomora often goes out to play alone, and she must have cat friends outside. I'm so envious. At this time, I was alone, and I felt very lonely, so I went to the study room to write a diary. Although writing is tiring, it seems like I am writing a book, which is also very interesting. However, this diary is written secretly, and I won't let my parents read it. Always a little shy. So I can only write a diary quietly. I read to it when Jomorah came into the room. Yomora sat beside me, tilting her head and listening to me read aloud. After I read it and asked how it felt, Yomora always meowed. Yomora is so funny.Does Yomora dream too? I always stay at home. Because I am a child, I cannot go out. I became the janitor when my mother was out shopping. Because I am always at home, I can only watch the weather from the window. A sunny day like today is my favorite weather. I hate rainy days. When it rains, my body feels uncomfortable, so I hate rain. Sometimes my father would take me out in the car, and my mother would also go with me at such times. In my dad's car, I always sat in the back and my mom sat next to me. However, my eyes are always blindfolded in the car, so I am not happy. The destination is always the same place. It was a large building called a hospital, and the hospital was in the mountains. In order for me to grow up and become a normal person, I underwent various examinations there. Mom said that there are children like Ah Zhong in this world, as well as adults like father, mother and doctors in the hospital. There should be children who are not like me, but I have never met one. The children I met in the hospital were all like me. My mother said that children who come to the hospital take medicine, and they can become normal people when they grow up. In the large room of the hospital, there is a square box in which pictures appear. Children who look like adults sometimes appear in the box. This box seems to be a machine called a television. I don't have a TV at home. Today I told my mother that I want a TV. Mom showed a troubled look.Then he said to me, wait until Ah Zhong becomes a normal adult before buying it. So how old do you have to be to become a normal adult?Is eleven years old?Or twelve? Had another terrible dream. Same dream as last few days. The dream of who is choking my throat. Today my mother bought me a new book. This is a storybook about dogs. A cat that looks like Yomora also makes an appearance. The protagonists of the story are a bitch and a puppy.There are Xu Xiang color illustrations in the book. It strikes me as odd that the bitch and the puppies look the same. I asked my mother, in the dog world, why do adults and children look the same? My mother listened: suddenly grabbed my hand tightly, shouted "Ah Zhong, Ah Zhong" over and over again, and then started crying. I said, mom, don't cry! But mother continued to cry. My mother hugged my body tightly, crying and calling Ah Zhong, my Ah Zhong. I asked my mother, do you like me?My mother said of course I like it, Ah Zhong is my only son. I said, then mother don't cry anymore. When my mother cries, I feel sad. Mom wiped her tears and said sorry. Dreaming again. Still dreaming about someone strangling my neck. I had that dream continuously last night and the night before. It was a dream of someone strangling my neck. It's useless to be afraid. The force around my neck seemed to be getting stronger and stronger. Very scary and very hard work. In my dreams, I must be hiding from the devil who hates me. The devil must have a hideous face. The devil put a curse on me. The devil yelled: "Die Ah Zhong." Dead Zhong. Dead kids, dead kids, dead kids, dead kids. But I don't want to die. Today is Sunday, Dad is at home. Dad was always a little scary. Although she is very kind to me most of the time, she is not like my mother who treats me well all the time. When I talk nonsense while eating, or knock the bowl with chopsticks, he will stare at me with terrible eyes. Sometimes he scolded me severely. I was scolded by my father when I had breakfast today. I played with Yomora while eating and knocked over the dishes. Yomora was startled and ran away. Dad scolded loudly and hit me on the head. My mother wanted to stop my father from beating me, but my father blamed my mother for spoiling Ah Zhong too much. Mom looked like she wanted to cry. But I don't cry. The devil strangled my neck again in the dream. Dead Zhong. Even in my dream I don't want to die. However, this may not be a dream. The devil might really exist. I might actually die. Now jot down the facts of what happened last night. Waking up with a sore throat.The room was dark.The whole body is soaked in sweat. Mom and Dad slept soundly. I want to pee.Although a little scared, I decided to go to the bathroom alone. Of course, it is best to go to the bathroom with mother behind.But I am already seven years old, so I am embarrassed to ask my mother to accompany me. Otherwise, when can I become a normal adult? I held back my fear, quietly got out of the bed, walked out of the room, walked through the dark corridor, and came to the toilet. After urinating, you must wash your hands. I ran to the bathroom to wash my hands.Then, look in the mirror. Because the throat area hurts intermittently, it is necessary to take a look in the mirror. This look is really wrong. My throat is slightly red. It seems to be the result of strangling the neck with both hands. So it wasn't a dream. If it wasn't a dream, then there was a real devil sneaking into Fangshen to choke my throat. The devil was not the devil in the dream. That's a real devil. I was so frightened that I hurried away from the mirror and fled back to the room. Last night the devil came again and strangled my neck. I went to the toilet again and ran into the bathroom to look in the mirror.Sure enough, there were two more fingerprints on the throat.It seems that it is not a dream. I think the devil strangling my neck is my father. Because dad doesn't like me. My mother often said "I love Ah Zhong", but my father never said it. On days when my father is not at work, I want to be close to him. I hugged my father tightly and asked him to say "I love Ah Zhong".Dad said don't be childish, showing an unhappy face. What Dad said was very strange. Haven't I become a normal adult yet? I'm still a kid now. Obviously, Dad hates me. So every night, after my mother fell asleep, my father strangled my neck. It must be so. The devil is dad. However, if you tell your mother about this, she will definitely think Ah Zhong is lying and be laughed at by her. Or, surprise Mom, make her cry. I don't know how to do it? The devil strangles my neck every night. In the morning, the handprints on her throat have disappeared, and my mother didn't notice it at all. How can I do it? At night I dare not sleep. Once I fell asleep, the devil, Dad, would strangle my neck. Even if the pain comes, I can't open my eyes, and I will definitely die without knowing it. I don't want to sleep anymore. Will it be better if I don't take medicine? As long as you don't take medicine before going to bed, it's not easy to fall asleep.If you feel pain, you can open your eyes immediately. Tonight, I'll try pretending to take my medicine while sleeping without it. Last night was horrible-- Very very scary. I was terrified and wished there were no more nights. Last night I pretended to be taking medicine, but secretly threw it in the trash. Crumpled the paper into a ball and made a big pile, hid the medicine in it and threw it into the trash can together. It is not easy to fall asleep after getting into bed. But I kept pretending to be asleep so I could open my eyes if Dad strangled my neck in the middle of the night. Then yell loudly to wake up mom. In this way, mother will definitely blame father. I hid under the blanket, closed my eyes, and listened to my surroundings. I hear the sound of a clock ticking. I heard the rustling of rain again, It's boring, but you have to be patient and don't move at all. Mom and Dad finally came to the dormitory. After they said good night to each other, they got into the quilt on both sides of me respectively. My heart was beating violently. Although he was very scared, he still put up with it and pretended to be a mature sleeper. For a long time after that, nothing happened. And I seem to be getting sleepy.But I must insist. I finally couldn't help it, people became a little fuzzy. Suddenly, something lukewarm touched my neck. I was taken aback. This is the hand! Lukewarm hands touched my neck. Devil's hand! It was the hand of the devil, Dad. The hands began to tighten little by little, strangling my neck. At first, his eyes were pitch black, but gradually he could see things. I thought Dad was on top of me. But got it wrong. There is no one else in me. I looked up and saw only the black ceiling. But the throat is sore. Very painful. I look to the right. My mother is sleeping in the quilt on the right. Mom snores lightly.But I couldn't make a sound at all because of the sore throat. Then turn your head and look to the left. what!Dad was also asleep in the bed. Well, it wasn't Dad who was choking me. Dad isn't the devil anymore. Mom and Dad are asleep and doing nothing. There are only three people in my family, my parents and me. There is no one else. There is also a cat, Yomora, at home, but he and I are good friends and would never choke my throat. So, whose hand is on my throat? I just can't figure it out. The strength of the hand is getting stronger and stronger. Dead Zhong! I feel terrible. Mom save me! Dad save me! I wanted to yell desperately, but I couldn't make a sound. Pain, fear, pain! I gradually lose consciousness. Then, I don't know anything. When I woke up, it was already dawn. Could it be a dream?Maybe the devil was just a devil in a dream. My mother found out about not taking medicine last night. My mother said that it is a bad child's behavior not to take medicine and throw it in the trash. Mom got a little angry. I can't say anything. I can't do without medicine at night. After taking the medicine, I will fall asleep. As soon as I fall asleep, the devil will definitely come and strangle me by the neck. Dead Ah Zhong is in great trouble. I am scared. My eyes continued to fall on the notebook open on my lap, and I was speechless for a moment. Not only the palms, but also the neck and forehead were sweating profusely.The nerves in both feet are still paralyzed and there is no feeling: the beating of the heart is ringing in the ears.It seemed that I had assimilated physically and mentally with the "me" in the diary, and my breathing became heavy. Seven-year-old Tadashi Kanzaki.Is it me fourteen years ago? He doesn't go to elementary school, has been confined at home, and his only friend is a cat.In order to become a "normal adult", I take medicine before going to bed every day, and go to the hospital regularly for "examination"... But I still can't remember anything.The writing of this diary, and even the experiences recorded in the diary... have no memories left. What kind of child is "I"? Why not let "I" go to school? And what about being a "normal adult"? 我反覆回忆，搜索枯肠，但记忆中的空白依然是一片空白。 十四年前的六月十六日。日记记到那一天戛然而止了。 此后这个“我”又怎么啦？当天晚上，在“我”身上发生什么事情了吗？ “我”在日记申诉说有人在半夜勒他的脖子。假如相信他在日记中记述的六月十五日晚上的体验，那么，勒住“我”的脖子的“魔鬼”既不是他的爸爸，也不是他的妈妈，而是不可能在现场的第三者。 这第三者究竟是何人呢？是谁偷偷潜入了寝室？ 或者，一切不过是“我”所做的恶梦罢了？留在喉咙的红色手印，以及十五日晚上不服药就寝后所发生的事情，是否仅仅是恶梦的一部分呢？No!but…… 思考处于空转状态，我怎么不知道自己的事？ 我以乞求的眼光看母亲。她还是保持原来的姿势，面无表情地端坐着。我想，或许是白费心机，但即便如此也得向母亲问一问关于“我”的问题。 “呐，妈妈……” 几乎在我开口的同时，她那似乎冻结了的嘴唇突然蠕动起来。 “我们发现这本日记，是在日记所记最后日期的两周之后。” 母亲自动出声倒让我吃了一惊，我重新注视母亲。她还是面无表情，双眼凝视着空中某一点，但她的嘴唇微微开合，继续说： “这本日记簿藏在阿忠学习室书桌最下方抽屉的后面，那是阿忠的'秘密角落'。” 在当事人面前，她似乎在说一个与我毫不相干的别人的名字。但是，日记里的“我”不是叫“忠”吗？ “最后的日子——六月十六日晚上，忠的脖子又被人勒住。比以往任何一次都要强劲的力量勒住他的喉咙。然后……” “然后？'我'怎么啦？” “忠失去知觉了。等我们发现，赶紧把他送到医院，但为时已晚。” “为时，已晚？” 不知为何呼吸变得越来越急促，我边喘气边问道：“这是什么意思？” “心脏还在跳动，但脑子已死。”“哦？”“医生说救不过来了，无法可施了。所以……” “所以，结局如何了？所以，怎么处置了？” “结局是：忠死了。” 母亲说道：“他被杀死了。” 忠死了，他被杀死了？ 如此荒唐的故事教人怎能相信？我到此刻为止不是还好好地活着吗？母亲——她那精神失常的脑子，究竟在想些什么呀… “忠被杀死了。” 不理我的狐疑，母亲无表情地重复说着。 “忠被杀死了。他被凉杀死了。” “什么！凉？” “是的，正是凉！” 母亲突然放声说道：“凉是忠的弟弟。杀死忠的就是他的弟弟凉。一切都是凉干的坏事。可是恒彦说不是那么回事，有罪的不是凉，而是我们。” “什么？——妈妈都在说些什么呀？妈妈究竟……” “我们——我和恒彦，不想承认凉的存在，于是对他完全漠视。一直以来在我们的心目中只有忠，认为忠是最优秀的。凉虽然什么也不说，但不知不觉地越来越憎恨忠，以至于动了杀机，晚上用手勒住忠的脖子。” "..." “显然，忠没有注意到这种情况，事实上也不可能注意这种情况。因为忠什么都不知道，他不知自己还有个名字叫凉的弟弟存在。 “忠相信成为'正常的大人'后，自己的身体就会变得和我们一样。这是我们有意识地教他相信这一点的。从他懂事开始我们就如此教他，规范了忠的'现实'。幼稚园和小学都不给他上，也不让他看电视。给他买书只挑选没有人类出现的书籍。带他去医院时，为了不让他看到外面的世界，用布蒙住他的眼睛… “我认为这样做对忠是最好的。忠是个乖孩子，性格朴直，非常热爱母亲。想不到有如此悲惨下场，唉……” 母亲突然中断说话。她轻轻地摇头，彷佛随窗外吹入的风摆动。 “不明白！” 我呻吟般地说道：“我真的不明白……” “那你就看一看。” 母亲说罢，静静地举起右手，然后伸出食指指住放在我膝上的笔记本。 “最后一页夹着一个信封，看看信封里的东西吧。” 按照母亲的指示，我翻开笔记本的最后一页。在这里确实夹着一个棕色信封。 我把笔记本放到桌子上，拿起信封。当抽出信封内摺叠着的纸张将其摊开一看，禁不住倒抽一口气。 这是一张陈旧的黑白照片。 全裸的婴儿仰天躺着。张大了嘴，脸部扭曲，正在大声哭喊。 我的视线紧紧盯住长在婴儿左下腹的异样“东西”。 "this is……" 喉咙好像被塞住似的，我说不下去了。 “这就是凉。” 母亲直接地说道：“忠与凉是双胞胎，但不是普通的双胞胎。” 生在婴儿侧腹的那东西——有小小的头和细细的两只手臂，分明是另一个上身。紧紧闭着双眼和嘴巴，头上一根毛发也没有。看起来与主体婴儿有很大差别，就好像黏附在主体婴儿上的一具干巴巴的猴子木乃伊。 “——剑突连体婴？” “对，忠和凉就是这样的畸形双胞胎。忠不断成长，但凉不会同时长大。他始终紧闭双眼，话也不会说，身体基本不动，有无意识也不清楚。忠相信凉是生在自己身上的变形瘤，这是孩子才有的，等成为大人后，瘤就会自动消失——这是我们教育他的结果。” "I see." “等我们发现的时候，凉的两只小手已深深勒住忠的喉咙。我们做梦也没想到凉有这么强大的意志和力量。” "But……" 把令人作呕的照片放在桌上，我以不解的语气问母亲道：“我的身体上并没有附着剑突连体婴的弟弟。再说，我还好好活着。忠没有死。我……” "You still don't understand." 母亲用没有抑扬的淡然语调说道：“送到医院时，忠的脑子已坏死，而凉则如常生存。虽然忠的脑子坏死了，凉的脑子似乎没事。医生催我们立刻做出决断：是放弃抢救让两人都死去呢？还是立即做分离手术保住凉的性命？——最终我们选择做分离手术。” "..." “分离手术做得非常成功。更令人惊奇的是，从忠的身体分离出来的凉，突然在短时间内快速长大，两、三年后，长成与忠死时相同的体格，又经过几年，变成会说话、会思考、会行动的孩子了。” "..." “我们决定不把这个孩子叫凉，而是叫忠。选择这种叫法，在感觉上就好像死去的是凉而不是忠了。凉杀死了忠，我们非常憎恨凉。” "..." “说了这么多你总该明白了吧。” 母亲抬起头，用失神的眼光看着失语的我，继续说： “这就是说，你的真实身分是凉，不是忠。” “——说谎！” “那是真的。你不是对日记上所写的事毫无记忆吗，这是因为写日记的不是你。你的记忆是做了分离手术后几年开始懂事的时候才建立起来的。” “谎话！” “不是谎话，阿凉，请相信我说的话。” “那样的话我不想听。” “我本来就不想说给你听，才把日记和照片收藏在你看不到的地方。我不是强调过我不能说吗？” “谎话！” 我大力地摇头，说道：“全是胡说八道。如果我真是被分离的弟弟，我不是应该没有下半身吗？这么说来，我就没有腿了。但事实上……” 我用震耳欲聋的音量吼道：“我有正常的双腿呀！” “你还是不明白。你连自己的身体都不清楚喔。” 母亲淡然地回应。然后，她的瞳孔突然泛光，呆滞的双眼一下子变得锐利无比，咄咄逼人地盯视着我。 “这双腿真的是你的腿吗？” "Oh!" 我在母亲眼光的胁迫下低头看自己的双腿。 “啊！这么说来……” 是呀。我怎能忘记这个事实？ 我的双腿，确实不是我的腿呀。这是利用最新技术制作的精巧的假腿，作为证据…… 我突然举起右拳，用尽力气拍打自己的右膝。 不痛。 什么感觉都没有。 同样的动作拍打左膝。 还是不痛，完全没有感觉。只有神经被切断处的麻痹戚。 这不是我的腿。这是假腿。我没有腿。这不是我的腿、这不是我的腿…… 我抱住头，低声呻吟着： 阿忠！ 我不是忠，我是他的弟弟凉。十四年前的六月十六日晚上，我用这双手扼杀了哥哥忠。I…… 阿忠！ 耳朵深处听到声音。 阿忠！ 阿忠！ 啊，那是妈妈的声音，是发狂的妈妈的声音。一年前的六月十六日晚上，母亲杀了父亲，又向我发动袭击，那时候母亲的…… ……阿忠！ 不要骗我！ 放开抱头的手，我拚命地摇头。 “不要骗我！” 我叫喊出声，说给自己听。 一年前母亲用菜刀刺我的腿。那时候感觉到的剧痛，那时候从腿部喷出的鲜血，究竟是怎么一回事？ 我再次挥舞拳头朝膝盖打去。 迟钝的冲击。然后，千真万确地我有了痛感。 wrong!不是假腿，这双腿的确是我身体的一部分。之所以多少有些麻痹咸下那是一年前受伤的后遗症呀。 我不是凉，还是忠。十四年前，“我”被送往医院抢救，终于保住了性命。而长在侧腹的畸形弟弟则通过外科手术被切离…… Sudden-- 母亲毫无道理地大笑起来。 一直保持木无表情的面孔好像被割裂成两半，充血的双眼皮眼睛睁得滚圆，尖下巴上翘，张大嘴巴发出一阵“狂”笑。然后，盯视着呆若木鸡的我说道： “你的脑袋确实很笨，看来哪怕做了三年重考生也未必考得上大学。” 她用手指拭去留在眼角的泪痕，再度用锐利的眼神看着我说道： “对你讲真话吧，刚才所说的全是编出来的谎言，你是忠，不是凉。凉很早就死去了。” “那是——做分离手术的时候吧？” “你怎么还说那种话？” 凹陷的脸颊抽搐着，母亲咯咯地笑起来。 “呐，阿忠，你看看你的腹部有动过手术的疤痕吗？” "what……" 我悄悄地伸手入左下腹，无言以对。 “是不是没有疤痕呀？凉死去不是十四年前，而是二十一年前。一生出来就死了。” “出生时就死亡？” 我不知所措了，视线又转到放在桌面的那张照片上。 “可是，这张照……” “你再仔细看清楚吧。” 母亲斩钉截铁地说道：“那是从杂志上撕下来的剑突连体婴照片，不是你们的照片。” 我慌忙拿起这张照片。 正如母亲所吾。刚才我为什么没有注意到呢？仅仅从纸张质地即可判断它是印刷品上的彩页。 “忠和凉是普通的双胞胎。” 母亲用解谜的口气说道：“可惜凉一出生就死了。是忠的脐带缠绕凉的脖颈，致使凉窒息而死。明白了吗？阿忠。” 彷佛有一种沉淀在意识深处的凝固物碎片被巨大的漩涡卷上水面的感觉，我规规矩矩地坐在椅子上。母亲目不转睛地盯视我的眼睛，然后冷漠地宣告： “是你杀了凉。” 母亲意犹未尽，继续说：“你是读国中一年级的时候才知道此事的。我和恒彦一直瞒住你，是棋彦伯父不留神说漏嘴而被你知道了。” “啊——妈妈！” 我举起一只手阻止母亲继续说下去。 浮上的碎片闪耀着不同颜色的光，逐一而确实地填补了心灵中的记忆空白。所以不再需要母亲的解说了。 “没错，是我杀了凉。” 母亲噤口不语。她彷佛大功告成似的，空虚的眼神再次固定在空中某点，身子又如冻结般一动也不动。 记忆终于复苏了——国中一年级那年的六月初，天气比往年早入梅。就在那天晚上，在闲谈之中，我从棋彦伯父处知道了这个事实。 当时我所受到的冲击之大，是任何人想像不到的。 God!我一生下来就成了杀人犯！ 在呱呱的落地声中，我的双手就被可诅咒的罪恶玷污了。我夺去了与我一起来到这尘世、具有相同遗传因子的双胞弟弟的性命，然后在毫不知情的情况下迫遥自在地活了十多年。 找诅咒负罪的“我”的存在。诅咒的冲击波令这世界出现无数的裂缝，从中注入混沌的黑暗。 以前从来不会留意的父母亲的言行动作，现在似乎都含有深刻的用意。 例如对我恶作剧和做事失败时的批评、考试拿低分时对我的斥责，又例如患感冒躺在床上时看我的眼色…… 世界开始变形，缓慢而确实地改变着它的面貌。 当我从某本杂志上看到这张剑突连体婴的照片时，我已坠入变形世界的巨大裂缝之中。长在婴儿侧腹的畸形上半身——看到它的刹那间，便与我那已死的名叫凉的弟弟印象重叠起来了。 Is that right?我在裂缝中想。 为什么以前没有注意到呢？其实凉并没有死，他不就在这儿吗？在这儿——就在我的旁边，他与我共享一部分肉体，所以他活着。 周围的人们绝不认同这一点。父母亲、伯父、学校的老师和朋友，莫不如此。或许谁也没有见到，也可能偶然见到了也故意装出没有看见的样子。但的的确确，凉就在这儿，他和我在一起… 不久，在变形裂缝中又产生新的裂缝。 凉确实在这儿。可是他暗暗地憎恨我，想杀死我。对我而言，由于曾经杀死了凉，为了抵偿罪孽，我宁愿被他杀死。 但尽管如此，我还是不想死。我仍爱自己污浊的身体和心灵。 我必须被杀。 但我又不想死。 在自我否定和自我眷恋之间反覆摇摆时，我那被诅咒的灵魂渐渐产生分裂。 我想，我不如成为凉吧。只有这样才可以逃避诅咒。所有的罪孽都封入忠的肉体中，将其切离、埋葬。 于是，我变成凉了；与此同时，凉却变成我了。我杀了凉。凉为了报复，也想杀死我。我和凉两个人寄居于一人躯体之中，双方都是杀人者，又都是受害者…… 在多重叠合，相互干涉的界限已然消失的裂缝中，我慢慢地发狂了。 然后—— 然后，我的结局如何呢？ “已经，好了吗？” 我面对如蜡像般端坐不动的母亲，用嘶哑的声音说道：“你已经原谅我了吗？妈妈。” 我轻轻拿起桌上的笔记本，把照片装入信封插入最后一页，然后按原样把笔记本放入盒子中，盖上盖子。 “我已经明白啦，妈妈。这本日记是我在拐弯抹角地写自己的事情。是吗？” 母亲什么也不回答。或许这是理所当然的。 盒子上了锁，我从椅子上站起，穿过端坐不动的母亲身边，慢慢地走向窗边。 外边依然下着雨。在铅灰色天空下，中庭的草地、树木，周围的钢筋水泥建筑群，都笼罩在蒙蒙烟雨之中。 吹来的风也混着雨滴，濡湿了我的面孔。我关上窗户。就在此时，母亲再度出声。我赶紧转过头去，刹那间—— 阿忠！ 阿忠！ 阿忠！ ……阿忠！ 在突然激烈扭曲的视野中时光倒转，回溯一年时间的裂缝霍地张大了缺口。
在长廊步履蹒跚行走的他，走到交谊厅入口附近止步了：心神不定地扫视周围。 有一名护士从