Chapter 8 Section 2: Differences from Heterosexual Relationships

Section 2: Differences from Heterosexual Relationships Although there are many similarities between homosexual relationships and heterosexual relationships in many ways, there are also many differences between the two. Here are a few: First, emotionally charged relationships make up a very small percentage of all relationships among gay men, at least among those who are socially active.Many survey respondents have had sexual intercourse with dozens or hundreds of people, but there are only a few truly emotional relationships among them.Although most people hold the idea that "it's better to be together with more respect for feelings, but it's not so good to be sexually satisfied".

A survey respondent said that most of the people he came into contact with were not willing to give up, and added: "There is also a lot of affection, and I think about it after a day or two. I met someone that time, and it was not considered in love, but there was a little affection. There are only a few relationships, and then it gradually dies down. It’s not painful, and each relationship lasts about half a year.” A homosexual gave the following explanation for the relationship between emotional and non-emotional: “ Love life is very important, if you can’t find a good one, you have to run around.”

Judging from the returned questionnaires, among the same-sex friends that the survey respondents made, the proportion of those who met only once or twice and never saw each other again was much higher than the proportion of those who had been in contact for a long time.However, it cannot be denied that there are also people who have only one or two friends from beginning to end and never have promiscuous same-sex partners. The second difference between homosexual love and heterosexual love is that fixed homosexual couples never last long.It is known that the length is no more than three to five years, and the length is no more than one or two meetings.As Kinsey once pointed out: "Men's same-sex relationships last very few long-term. Originally, if there were no social customs and legal prohibitions to continuously strengthen and perpetuate marriage, heterosexual relationships would last longer than they actually exist now." There are far fewer, or much shorter durations. Same-sex relationships do not have such good external conditions and external sustaining forces, but are constantly disturbed by personal inner conflicts and personal and social conflicts. As a result, most of these relationships are nothing more than It’s just a gathering.” (Kinsey, pp. 209-210)

Among the respondents in our survey, the longest dating time among same-sex regular couples is three to five years, the shortest is only three months, and the median is two to three years.A survey respondent said: "My longest relationship lasted four years, and the other two were more important for more than a year." A gay person explained the phenomenon that gay couples cannot last long: "The reason why two gay men can't be together for a long time is because what I need is also what you need. Most homosexuals are timid and weak. Hope The other side is tough and masculine. If you don’t believe me, the most beautiful portraits of men must be gay men, because a gay man likes a real straight man, a real perfect man. So, two men Homosexuals will only live together for a long time when they have common interests. If there is no interest relationship, they will not live together for a long time. Because when they are together, they hope that the other party will be more like a man, so they cannot last long.” This analysis is similar to that in the video. Confessions of a homosexual: "I have been waiting for a real man, but a real man wants a real woman." The bitterness of the author is really unknown to outsiders.

Some survey respondents thought: "Many homosexuals don't like to have a long-term relationship. On the contrary, most people like to have a loyal partner. But it is human nature to like the new and dislike the old, and the same is true for heterosexuals. It is not difficult to find a gay partner. It wouldn't be a pity to abandon him. Even so, after breaking up with my old friend, I still have him in my heart." Others believe that, in addition to personal reasons for liking the new and dislike the old, there are also social reasons, "If the society recognizes it, it can be better. People with similar feelings will have a long-term relationship. Because social norms (marriage contracts) only restrict The opposite sex does not restrict the same sex, that's why we were together when we first liked it, and we broke up when we didn't like it later."

Another survey respondent explained the reason why homosexual couples cannot last long from the perspective of sexual desire: "According to my own observation, homosexuals have stronger sexual desires than heterosexuals. After a long-term relationship, the desire will fade." There is another The explanation is rather puzzling: "When two people are too nice, they are embarrassed to make love, and the attraction is weakened." When another homosexual explained why he did not want to have a long-term partner, he mainly considered safety: "If you only have a short-term friend who you have only met once, he will not confess to you when he is arrested, and his hometown does not even know his real name. But it is dangerous to have long-term friends, he will remember your name and address.” It seems that homosexuals are extremely cautious in making long-term friends, and safety considerations are also an absolutely important reason.

While most gay couples don't last, we've heard exceptions during our research.For example, one survey respondent said: "The person who has a deep understanding lasts longer, for several years. Sometimes I like this child very much, and I have the heart to support him for the rest of my life." Another said: "With our factory The boy in my family can live together for 10 or 20 years. He is very careful, gentle and considerate to others.” When explaining that he and he did not really live together, the respondent said: “Even if you are allowed to live together, you can’t do it, because you have to Do your duty to your parents and society (carry on the family line).”

The third difference between same-sex and heterosexual love is that in homosexual love, jealousy is less than in heterosexual love, and the exclusive heart is often not as natural and righteous as in heterosexual love. Gay people often have more than two friends at the same time, and it will be more troublesome if each friend is emotionally involved.Such an approach will not only be tolerated by the jealousy of the partner in the heterosexual relationship, but also be regarded as a very immoral behavior.However, in the emotional life of homosexuals, there are far more cases of being involved in several "love" at the same time than in heterosexual love.

A young gay man put it this way: "I have emotional connections with four or five people, not to mention love, but mainly spiritual dependence. They don't know each other. I know them alone. I think this way: You have nothing to do with me, just don’t hurt my feelings. Apart from being nice to me, it’s also possible for each of them to go out and play with other people.” Another gay man met a woman in the bath A friend, or a friend who has never heard of "social" things: "I told him about social things, and he didn't believe it at all. Later, when he saw me making out with other people, he couldn't stand it and said I was pregnant. He didn't allow me to go out with Other people want to transfer me to his unit. I am still thinking about it, but I didn’t agree. He is very infatuated. I told him that you are the 10,000th one. He cried at that time and said I was pregnant. I said why I was pregnant , I am not lying to you, and I am not cheating on you.”

One of the survey subjects met an old friend who had been "blown away" for more than a year. "He said he regretted it. I said, why did you care about me? I just want to sleep with you one day." , It’s sincerity, don’t worry about what I do during the day.” Judging from this complex, the friend’s jealousy was one of the reasons for their breakup.Although love psychologists have proved that jealousy is a typical manifestation of love, in homosexual love, it is quite common to change partners easily and have multiple relationships. One interviewee said that when he was 19 years old and was unemployed wandering in the society, he met a middle-aged homosexual who was the director of a certain factory.The director of the factory gave him a job, and transferred him from a rough labor position to a section office, and often took him with him on business trips, but later, the subject of the investigation alienated his "protector", he said : "He always wanted to stand by me for the rest of his life. I intentionally distanced myself from him, because if I followed him, I would follow him for the rest of my life. Later, he found another child. The child entered the factory as a stevedore at the age of 16, and now he is a Then I met him and said to him: "Don't want a 26-year-old, find a 19-year-old." When he came to me, I was 19 years old." It seems that it is like a heterosexual relationship. The desire to become a lifelong partner is not absent in homosexual love, but it is often seen as a daunting path, and in fact it is difficult to achieve-this kind of relationship is not protected by law.

When a homosexual talked about his "being close to several people at the same time", he complained about one of his old lovers who wanted to monopolize him and said: "XX is really clingy, too selfish." Here, the single-mindedness of love is Be accused of being "selfish".However, the respondent himself admitted: "When two people are having a good time, they don't want to let each other go to (gay) public places." Another gay man also talked about the relationship between his relationship with a partner. Regarding this question, he said: "I have a little emotion for him, he only has sexual impulses towards me. We miss each other when we don't see each other, sometimes I go to him, sometimes he comes to me, I don't think loyalty is very important ’” Another admitted: “I’m dating two people at the same time, and I don’t want them to know.” Even more interesting is a publicly stated "ostrich policy".One survey respondent told us: "I am friendly with one person, and he told me that it is okay for you to be nice with others, but don't tell me, because telling me will hurt my feelings." It seems that this kind of "two-footed The "boat" behavior itself is not to blame, and the person who does it has no self-blame. As long as he keeps it from the other party, it is considered that he has not hurt his feelings.This may be a practice that heterosexuals cannot tolerate but homosexuals cannot, and it sounds like there is a taste of helplessness. But if you think that there is no jealousy between the same sex at all, you are wrong.One survey respondent put it this way: "Whenever my friends see me with someone, they ask: Who is he? How do you know him? So if I meet a couple on the road, I know one of them. I didn't say hello either, I pretended not to know each other, and provoke trouble (jealousy)." According to the questionnaire data, many respondents have had a large number of same-sex couples, the most having two or three hundred friends. Except for a few people who have never been in society and only have one or two friends, most of them have at least three to five friends. same-sex friend. Due to the limited scale of our survey, it is difficult to obtain comprehensive statistics.The results of a sample survey in the United States are cited as a reference.Surveys show that among gay men: (1) Fifty-seven percent of people have had more than 250 same-sex couples; (2) Twenty-eight percent are currently cohabiting with someone; (3) Seventy-four percent of people make more than half of their partners are strangers; (4) 42% of people find a soulmate once a week; (5) Gay men pay more attention to appearance and age when looking for a partner than their lesbian counterparts, are more sexually centered, pursue diversity in sexual styles, and have greater potential factors of violence, rape and abuse in same-sex relationships The incidence of madness is higher. (Cachadoli, pp. 334-335) It can be seen that frequent partner-changing among gay men is a common phenomenon across cultures, which hardly leaves much room for possessiveness and jealousy among lovers. The fourth difference between same-sex love and heterosexual love is that because homosexual love can neither form a family nor have children, its motivation is more of a pursuit of happiness and purpose than heterosexual love.In other words, mutual attraction between homosexual couples comes more from personal innate characteristics, such as appearance, body shape, age, temperament, etc., and less from personal social attributes, such as status, occupation, family background, etc.One survey respondent summed up the value of homosexuals choosing a "mate" in this way: "The value of a person is mainly based on clothing, figure, and appearance." When talking about his lover, he said: "I can't say what I love about him. I love everything about his body, he has a good body, his genitals are not too big or small, and he is very sexy." The non-marital and non-reproductive nature of homosexual love also endows it with a quality resembling brotherly love.A homosexual said: "I once had a friend. When they were in good company, he once said: We will never forget each other, and we will be good friends when we grow old. Sometimes I call him, and sometimes I go to see him. This is also a This kind of love is to hope that he will live a good life. People change people's hearts, which is better than brothers. My child is sick, and he goes to visit and buy things. It turns out that people who have never met before can achieve this kind of relationship. It is indeed very good. Love There are many kinds, and love is not so selfish." Here, he inadvertently associates the monopolistic desire and lifelong companionship that are taken for granted in heterosexuality with "selfishness". However, precisely because of the "fruitless" nature of homosexual love, some people would rather see it as a game than love.A middle school student said, "I don't like love or anything like that. I think it's a game. I don't like to hear someone call me daddy or honey when we have a relationship. It's better to be quiet." Maybe he still I haven't reached the age to understand love. Hunter pointed out in "Natural History of Love": "Homosexuality is essentially impossible to promote a permanent union. From courtship to passionate love is the most perfect form of homosexuality. Disillusionment with love.” (Hunter, pp. 59-60) After marriage, many heterosexuals gradually develop a sense of mystery because of the disappearance of the other party, because they love the new and dislike the old and cannot abandon the old for a new one, and because of the annoyance and torment of family trivial matters. The "disillusionment of love"; and homosexual love is to break up immediately after the love - because there is no reason or constraint to be together again.This cannot but be said to be a major difference between homosexual love and heterosexual love.