Chapter 17 Withered
Her parents made a small fortune and repaired her grave. A white marble angel was added in front of the grave, with her head bowed and her hands folded, surrounded by a group of little angels under her feet.Up and down a dozen pairs of white stone eyes.In the crevices of the stone, Baishi's hair fluttered, and the folds of Baishi's skirt revealed a strong body, milky white jelly, cold.It is like the happy tomb seen in the movie, the person who lays flowers in the setting sun of the grass should feel the most perfect sorrow.Hidden behind the angel is a small stele with the inscription "The Tomb of My Beloved Daughter Zheng Chuanchang".There is also a new style of writing in the Yin of the stele:
"... Chuanchang is a rare and beautiful girl... graduated from Hongji Girls' High School at the age of nineteen, and died of lung disease at the age of twenty-one.... Love music, love quiet, love parents... infinite love, infinite Yiyi, infinite regret... A flower in memory, a rose of eternal life... Rest in peace, in the hearts of those who love you. There is no one who knows you who does not love you."
Not at all.Indeed, she was beautiful, she liked Jing, she died of lung disease, and everyone regretted her death, but...that was not the case at all.
Chuanchang used to have an extremely plump body, especially those beautiful white shoulders.However, unexpectedly, the face on the body is thin, sharp, with a small nose, thin red lips, big clear eyes, long eyelashes, and a "trembling soul" all over the face. It has a deep and overflowing enthusiasm and wisdom, like Emily, the author of "The Soul Returns to the Heaven".Bronte.In fact, Chang Chuan is not smart and has nothing outstanding.She is an unlit beacon.
Among the sisters, she is not considered beautiful, because there are several stunning sisters above.The Zheng family is surprisingly good-looking.From her father onwards, Mr. Zheng looks like the standard Shanghai young gentleman drinking Le Koufu and smoking cigarettes in the advertisements, with a round face, wide eyebrows, corners of the mouth pulled upwards, and wearing short trousers, he becomes a little boy taking baby pills. The two mustaches on the top represent the old man who is nourishing immediately, and the white beard can act as Santa Claus.
Mr. Zheng is a orphan, because he did not recognize the Republic of China, he has not grown older since the era of the Republic of China.Although I also know alcoholic women and opium, my heart is still the heart of a child.He is a child's corpse soaked in alcohol.
Mrs. Zheng thought she was younger than he looked, and often said to people proudly:
"I'm really afraid to go out with him—people think I'm much younger than him, and they think I'm his concubine!" The handsome Mrs. Zheng and her pretty daughters are always the most showy group in festive gatherings .Although she didn't know English, Mrs. Zheng would yell over there from a distance across a huge auditorium: "Come here, Lanxi! Lucy!
Sally!Polaroid! "At home, they became the big ones, the second ones, the third ones, and the fourth ones. The next three were sons, and the youngest son was born to a concubine.
With many children and heavy burdens, Mr. Zheng often got into debts, and his wife was full of worries.But after all, Mr. Zheng is a person with a bit of celebrity style, so he can take it easy. When he has money, he will have children outside, and when he has no money, he will have children at home.Most of the time when there is no money, so the children in the family are very anxious, and the pain is still the same after birth.When it comes to the job at hand, it cannot be said that Mr. Zheng is not generous and buys what he wants.Lying on the opium kang, the children were beating their legs while reaching for the money in his pocket; if they didn't ask to take it, they would clench their fists and beat them wildly, until the father laughed and yelled: " Aiyo, aiyo, I was killed, this time I was really killed!" During the Chinese New Year, he took the lead in playing money, playing dealers and pushing Pai Gow, and he would not let him stop until he lost all the coins he had exchanged for two hundred yuan. .However, jokes are jokes, even when he loses his temper, he turns his face and denies anyone.
Mr. Zheng is a farce that has been performed continuously for forty years, while his wife is a long and monotonous tragedy.She hates him for being irresponsible; she hates him for having so many children; she hates him for not being hygienic, there is a spittoon in front of the bed and he wants to spit into slippers.She always walked up and down the room waddling her face up, knocking melon seeds desolately—a beautiful, pale, desperate woman.
No wonder Mrs. Zheng is discouraged. When she first got married and her family was a little richer, she would accumulate a little private house, but the financial system of the Zheng family is the most unpredictable thing. It was all rolled up.After all, Mrs. Zheng does not break away from her woman's habits, knowing that she can't keep it, she still has to continue to accumulate money. Although the housework is messy, she has made some money through the chaos, and this little money has given her endless troubles. Because her husband is a first-class expert at coaxing money.
It is impossible to tell whether the Zheng family is poor or rich.A large family of servants and servants lived in a bungalow with only two beds. The ladies packed their bedding and went to the guest room to make the floor every night.The few pieces of furniture in the living room were also borrowed, only a radio was built by myself, and the gramophone drawer contained the latest popular records.They ate snacks constantly, and the family took the car to watch a movie.The child has a decayed tooth and has no money to fix it, and the school cannot afford a pen tip.The servants had to continue working because of excessive wage arrears.The servants set up a table in the kitchen, and all the servants in the alley came to share, and the benches around the Eight Immortals table were crowded with people.When the cook's distant family came to the city, they always stayed in Zheng's mansion.
Ladies could not afford the new-style silk shirts, and the cloth gowns were too cumbersome, so they simply wore a hollow cotton gown. of.The stockings had been dragged to wear by others before they were put on. When I rediscovered them, the holes in the socks were bigger than the socks.He kept muttering and fighting openly and secretly.In this situation where the jungle preys on the jungle, although these girls grew up among the brocade bushes, they are actually as aggressive and promising as children picking up coal nubs.
It's all behind the scenes.In front of people, there is no daughter who is more gentle and courteous than them, and sisters who hook their shoulders and hug their backs.They are not perfunctory.The fierce life competition since they were young made them competent people.Chuan Chang is the most honest of the sisters, she speaks slowly and has a bit of a temper. She is the youngest daughter, and she is born to be bullied by her elders. She will not be wronged, but her family has given her strict training that is the best.Due to their family status, the Zheng family's daughters cannot be shop assistants or typists, and being "female marriage clerks" is their only way out.Although you can't learn any special skills at home, you can have a foothold, but you must have some skills.Zheng Chuanchang entered the "bridal school" as soon as he said it.
But she had little room for development in grooming.Her sisters are well-versed in the study of cosmetology, and they concluded in unison: "Little sisters are suitable for student-style dresses.
The little girl's face and hair still look good all the way.The more plain the younger sister's clothes, the better.It is rare for someone to wear a blue cloth gown, but the younger sister is very playful in a blue cloth gown. "
So Chang Chuan wore blue cloth gowns all year round, light blue in summer and dark blue in winter, and never quarreled with her sisters for wanting a piece of clothing at the same time.The sisters also said: "The red and yellow silk stockings that are popular now, the younger sister wears them, and her legs look fatter, like German sausages. It is better to wear short socks or bare feet." They also said: "Little Younger sister can’t wear leather, it looks old.” But the third sister’s discarded woolen coat, although there are some rotten green sheepskin on the neckline, the younger sister’s wearing it is not ugly, because the sleeves of the coat are too short, revealing two or three. Inch wrist, dressed like a growing child, innocent and cute.
After finally making it to this day, all the sisters were married, and Chang Chuan suddenly became more beautiful.But she is not busy looking for a partner.She wished that when her father had money, he would send her to college, have a good time for two years, and calmly find a suitable person.
Waiting for my father to have money...he has to have a lot of money, so much money that he is willing to spend it on his daughter's tuition. A daughter's college degree is the most arrogant luxury.
Mr. Zheng is not too busy making an appointment for Chang Chuan.He said: "I really can't afford to marry a daughter every year like this. If you talk about it, you talk about it, and you have messed up our little furniture. If we marry another one, our old couple will have to stay with the past as companions."
However, Mrs. Zheng's words are also reasonable (there is no one in the Zheng family who is unreasonable, even the little brother drowned in his trousers, he can still make a reason), she said:
"What's happening now, if you don't introduce friends to her, she will introduce herself. If you meet a good person, she found it by herself, and she won't accept your favor. If you meet a bad person, it's too late for you to object , everyone will always be relatives in the future, which will hurt feelings in vain."
Mrs. Zheng is very interested in choosing a son-in-law.It was a reddish coal fire in her ashen life.Although she bore many children to her husband and was still bearing them, she lacked romantic love.At the same time, she is a good woman who has neither the guts nor the opportunity to be satisfied in other ways.So, she looked for a man in the same way, but she found him as her son-in-law.She knew that the beautiful and sad mother-in-law had a place in the feelings of her sons-in-law.
After the second and third misses got married, they all went to the mainland with the uncle, and Mrs. Zheng entrusted Chuanchang's affairs to the eldest lady.Marrying a daughter has always been the first and most troublesome thing. In the future, it will be easier to pull one by one.My uncle has a classmate who just came back from Vienna.It is said that overseas students who have just returned to China are greedy and the easiest to catch.This man is a medical student, his name is Zhang Yunfan, and his family is very decent.
Chang Chuan met Zhang Yunfan, at first he felt that he was not tall enough, not black enough.The first prerequisite for her ideal is athletic stature.He didn't speak clearly enough, he spat out each word cautiously, like eating jujubes at a grand banquet, slowly spitting out the kernels in a small silver spoon, and then secretly tipped them to one side of the plate, accidentally, the kernels came out of his mouth Li slid directly onto the plate, and with a jingle, it was a disgrace.I also paid too much attention to the wording, "good" means "good", and "bad" means "not so good".
"Hate" is "not very fond of".Chuan Chang's initial impression of him was purely negative, "not enough" this, "not enough" that, but after meeting several times, she fell in love with him for the same reason.
Not only does he have a little background in his family, but he is also a person with a little background.And he is neat and clean, very different from the people in her family.She liked the flower tips in his hair, his slightly protruding lower lip; sometimes he wore dark-rimmed glasses.Maybe it's just because he is the first possible man in front of her eyes.
But she had no chance to compare, and she never had time to get close to the second person.
At the beginning, her eldest sister invited guests to dance, and the second time, Zhang Yunfan invited guests back, and then Mrs. Zheng invited guests, also in the restaurant.There is already a feeling of "the big thing is settled" in all aspects.Mrs. Zheng said: "When they get engaged, I will go to Yunfan's hospital to take care of X-ray - I always suspect that my lungs are not strong. If I didn't feel sorry for the examination fee, I would have gone to take care of it earlier. It's not that I have doubts in my heart all these years. And I have a stomachache, so I asked him if he had any ready-made medicine for two injections.
In the future, the younger ones would get windy and have stomach problems, so they don't need to ask others for advice, and now they have a brother-in-law. "Mr. Zheng smiled and said:" You want to buy the stock of a pharmaceutical company, and someone is a consultant, so you can let it go and do it. "Madam Zheng changed color and said:" When did you see me buying stocks?Where did I get the money?Did you give it to me with your left hand, or did you give it to me with your right hand? "
During the Mid-Autumn Festival, Zhang Yunfan was alone in Shanghai, so Mrs. Zheng invited him to her home for dinner.Unfortunately, Mr. Zheng bet off one of Mrs. Zheng's rings the first day, and Mrs. Zheng quarreled with him. On the second day of the festival, she was so angry that she couldn't get up because of stomach pain. She sat down when the lights were on. I ate porridge on the pillow, a mahogany Kang table was set on the bed, and several colors of pickles were placed.Downstairs kowtowed to worship ancestors, guests entered the table, servants urged several times, Mrs. Zheng just refused to go down.Mr. Zheng smiled and raised his chopsticks to let Zhang Yunfan say, "Let's eat first, don't wait for her." Yunfan had to eat some vegetables in the cold basin.Chang Chuan smiled and said, "I'll come up and have a look." She walked off the table, first went to the kitchen and told them to serve the shark's fin slowly, and then went upstairs.Mrs. Zheng sat on the bed with sullen face and drooping eyelids. She held the chopsticks with one hand and touched the cigarette tube covered with toilet paper with the other hand by the pillow. .After vomiting, I went to eat porridge again.Chang Chuan hurriedly put her hand on the mouth of the bowl, and persuaded: "Mother, let's go down and eat together. It's a once-a-year event, and we are reunited. Besides, there are people here today. They are very polite. And I don't know the details inside. There is something wrong with Dad, let's talk to him after today!" After persuading her from left to right, she forcefully combed her hair, cleaned her face, changed her clothes, and Madam Zheng came downstairs aggrieved. , and Yunfan nodded and finished greeting, called his son from the other side of the table, sat beside him, groping for him and said: "Did you call Brother Zhang? Look at you with such dark eyebrows and black eyes, how can you see people?" Come on? Where have you been playing, and the new shoes are covered with mud? You haven’t collapsed it on the brown mat at the door!” The child just grabbed and ate the almonds on the banquet, refused to go away, and just blew With a whistle, the big dog at home was called, and the shoe was slumped on the dog's back, brushing away the mud.
There are two or three big yellow dogs like the Zheng family. They are old and lazy. Their fur has fallen off where there is ringworm on their bodies.
Shark fin was served here.Mr. Zheng looked up and saw that the whole family was present, except for the youngest son born to his concubine.Then he asked Mama Zhao, "Where's the young master?"
Mrs. Zhao looked at her wife and said, "Nurse took her to play in the alley." Mr. Zheng patted the table and said, "Bastard! It's dinner at home, why don't you call them? It's fine if you don't usually go to the table, it's a holiday You have to have a reunion dinner, and you have to go to the table. Go and call me the nanny!" Mrs. Zheng frowned and said, "Today's vegetable oil is very oily, how can I use chopsticks? Mommy Zhao, go peel two preserved eggs and set them for me. Wine." Zhao Ma agreed, but she was a little bit mean and didn't leave.Mrs. Zheng scolded: "Are you deaf?
Tell you to peel the eggs! "Mother Zhao went in a hurry. Mr. Zheng knocked the small silver cup heavily on the table, spilled a hand of wine, lifted his back, stood up and went out, and went to the alley to find the child himself. He only went out through the back door However, the nanny came in through the front door with the baby in her arms. Chuan Chang said, "Nurse, put a stool behind me, add a pair of bowls and chopsticks, and feed him a few bites casually.But that's it. "
When the bowls and chopsticks were delivered, Mrs. Zheng took the rice bowl, put some food on it, and said: "Take it to the kitchen and eat it, I will get angry when I see it. Dirty bastard—you can't get rid of him if you hold him again." Still a bastard."
The nurse took the baby to the kitchen, and happened to meet Mr. Zheng coming in through the back door. Seeing this, she couldn't help being furious, and snatched the bowl with her hands, smashing it to pieces.Seeing that the food that was just about to reach his mouth was flying again, the child burst into tears.Mr. Zheng asked repeatedly to buy biscuits.The handyman asked: "Still the same as in the past, buy one yuan for bulk?" Mr. Zheng nodded.The nanny said: "I'll put the money first?" Mr. Zheng nodded and said:
"Go quickly. Keep nagging!" The oddball said, "Do you want to buy a few more yuan, so that you don't get caught when you are in a hurry?" Mr. Zheng said: "I bought too much, where can we store it at home?" Living things, next time I want to eat, I still have to buy it now." Mrs. Zheng heard it inside, and she made a fuss: "Who are you talking about? My child has committed a crime and ate leftovers from the son of a bitch. The things I put down made them vomit and diarrhoea, and I died immediately!"
On the stairs, Mr. Zheng sneered and said, "What are you betting on with such a curse? Vomiting and diarrhea...
I know you have someone to treat him now! "
After Zhang Yunfan heard this, he didn't take it seriously, but Chuan Chang's face was a little embarrassing.
For a while, the shark's fin was removed and replaced with a fairy duck.While picking vegetables for Zhang Yunfan, Mrs. Zheng was troubled in her heart, with tears in her eyes, and said: "Mr. Zhang, don't you find it strange to see this situation in our family today? I don't treat you as an outsider, but I would also like to let you know what kind of life I have lived these years. Chuanchang scooped up some fried shrimp for Mr. Zhang. You ask Chuanchang, you ask her! She knows what kind of person her father is. How can I Don't tell her sisters for a day--I said, "Lancey, Lucy, Sally, Polly, be careful!Don't be like your mother, meet people who are not good, and make your mother sad again, your mother can't bear it! Since I was young, I told them: "Study hard. If a woman can stand on her own, she can leave when she meets an unreasonable man." Oh, but Mr. Zhang, this is an ordinary woman. I can't , I am too emotional. Too emotional.
Although I have never been to school, cooking and sewing, I have the ability to be self-reliant.I live alone, no matter how hard it is, I can always solve my own life. "Although Mrs. Zheng has never been to school, she speaks new terms fluently. She said: "I am full of emotions. I can't just watch my children being trampled to death by her father.I thought, wait for two years, when the children are older, and they are not afraid of being manipulated to death, I will go, who knows that when they are older, there will be younger ones.Poor mother's life was sacrificed like this! "
She turned her body to let Mrs. Zhao serve the food behind her, and said, "Mr. Zhang, eat some hoofs while they are hot. You see, he still treats me like this after being a husband and wife all these years. But now I am not afraid of him! I said to him : "Yes, I am a poor woman, I am sick, I am a woman without power, I try to oppress you, but I have my children to protect me!Well, my daughter loves me, my son-in-law loves me—'"
Chang Chuan felt uncomfortable at first, and felt that her chest was full, so she rubbed her chest and said:
"I don't know why, my heart is twisting in a panic." Mrs. Zheng said: "Don't eat, just drink some hot tea." Chuan Chang said: "I'll lean on the sofa, it will be more comfortable." Then he walked to the side of Qiongmen sitting in the living room.Here, Mrs. Zheng poured out her sorrows and narrated endlessly. Yunfan said: "Auntie, don't be sad, your body can't bear it. You have to force yourself to eat something." Mrs. Zheng scooped up a spoonful of butter cauliflower , tasted it, frowned and said:
"I'm too tired, why don't you serve me a bowl of noodles. If there are hoofs, it's hoof noodles." Everyone at the table had finished eating, and just now they brought the top. Mrs. Zheng ate at one end, and said at the other end that the noodles were cold, so she asked to take them. To heat, and angry for not pouring tea for Mr. Zhang.Yun Fan hurriedly said: "I have tea in the living room, just order some boiling water." Taking advantage of the situation, he walked into the living room.
The porcelain cover on the electric light in the living room was broken by a child with a knife and stick, so Chuanchang always avoided turning on the light when he could.The room was dark and gloomy, but Chuan Chang twisted his body and leaned on the armrest of the sofa.She has long, fluffy hair, with a light behind her back, and a light and warm golden sweater flying on the edge.There is a pair of big eyes, which are slightly shining like fog in the clouds.Yunfan smiled and said, "Are you still a little uncomfortable?" Chuan Chang sat up straight and smiled and said, "It's much better." Seeing that she didn't turn on the lamp, Yunfan was surprised.After all, it was inconvenient for the two to face each other in secret, so they had to stand with their arms crossed under the light coming in from the door opening.Chuan Chang was facing the light, and he saw clearly that she was wearing a light white plain silk gown, with no boundary between the white arms and the white clothes; she was wearing a chic collar brought by her eldest brother-in-law from Paris.It was a pair of small gilded hands, with long, pointed red nails, clasped tightly around the neck, as if trying to strangle someone to death.
She smiled and said, "Mr. Zhang, you rarely talk." Yun Fan said with a smile, "I asked you just now if you are better. If I ask you any more, you will look like a doctor. I am afraid that people will stick to their profession." Chang Chuan smiled.Zhao Ma came in with a pitch-black kettle to make tea, and Chuan Chang grabbed a handful of candy from the tall glass basin, put it in front of Yunfan and said, "Eat candy." The door of Zheng's house was always open in all directions. The nurse walked in from the front with the baby in her arms, and circled around the sofa twice.Mrs. Zheng was eating noodles in the next room, so she turned her head and stared at it, and said to Chuanchang: "Don't give him candy, it will make him more unruly, and when guests come, he will hang around and be annoying. !"
The nurse couldn't stand upright, so she had to carry the child to the back and walked through the dining room. Mrs. Zheng saw that the child was holding a handful of small biscuits in one hand while gnawing a pear in his mouth, so she cried out: " Who gave him the pears? The basket of pears upstairs is a gift from my aunt's house, and I want to give it away! I can't move it. Who gave it to him?" The servants dare not agree.Mrs. Zheng put down her chopsticks and asked all the way upstairs.
Here Chuanchang accosted and stood up, Yunfan thought she was going to turn on the light, but she went to turn on the radio.The radio was on the floor as there was no proper end table.Chang Chuan squatted on the ground and twisted the radio, and Yun Fan followed, sat on a sofa nearby, and said with a smile, "I really like the light of the radio. This kind of light is always with the music. Yes." Chang Chuan turned the radio lightly, and said softly, "I have no other ideals, but I hope that one day I can sleep with the radio on." Yun Fan smiled and said, "That seems to be very easy." Chuan Chang smiled and said, "It can't be done in our family. No one needs to think about enjoying a little happiness alone." Yun Fan said, "Maybe. There are many people in the family, so there will always be some chaos." Chuan Chang slipped away quickly. He glanced down, lowered his head, and sighed: "My father is actually just a child with a temper. My mother also has her troubles. In fact, our family really owes my mother, because she is not healthy and can't take care of her." " Yunfan listened to her defending her parents for no reason, as if he was expressing dissatisfaction with them; thinking back on what he said just now, there was no such meaning.Both fell silent for a moment.
Suddenly, someone shouted at the back door: "Miss and uncle are back!" Chuan Chang also seemed to feel that it was inappropriate that the living room was not lit, so she stood up and turned on the light.The light switch happened to be behind Yunfan's chair, and she stood in front of him, but for a split second, the hem of her robe covered his instep, and then moved away.Her cheongsam was made so long that it was out of fashion. It was all because Yun Fan told her brother-in-law: He likes women's cheongsams that are longer than the ankles. When he went abroad, he wore them at the right time. out of sight.He had only noticed her clothes until now, and he couldn't express what he felt in his heart. It seemed that the corner of her cheongsam was always fluttering on the instep of his feet.
Her dress must be old. It is long and does not fit well, but the clothes that are too big have a special allure. When walking, there are waves and waves. Trembling, where there is no one, the clothes are trembling, false and real, real and false, extremely mysterious.
Chang Chuan went out to welcome her, and her sister and husband came in with their three-year-old daughter in their arms, and greeted Yunfan.In the autumn and summer of that year, in the eighth month of the lunar calendar, her brother-in-law was still wearing a flowered silk Hong Kong shirt.Chang Chuan said with a smile: "The eldest brother-in-law is getting more and more beautiful." Her sister said with a smile:
"No, I said he looked twenty-five years younger!" Her brother-in-law smiled and took the child's hand and beat her.
Her sister Quanjuan talked non-stop, as if she was carrying a coppersmith's burden with chattering iron pieces hanging on the burden, carrying her own monotonous bustle wherever she went.Yunfan didn't need to speak, so he didn't worry about saying the wrong thing, but at the same time, he was willing to listen to Chuanchang's words, but he was disappointed that he didn't have the chance to hear them.Chuan Chang also had a similar feeling.
Her younger brother came to say goodbye to her elder sister.Quanjuan laughed and said, "What good food did you eat today? Did you save it for me?" Her younger brother said, "Don't worry, I didn't hide anything from you. A nail came out of the shrimp. "Quanjuan hurriedly told him to silence, and said: "Don't let Mr. Zhang hear it. He pays attention to hygiene. If you turn around and become suspicious, you should have a stomachache." In the past, he didn’t think our cook was bad, so he came to eat every day, and deceived his eldest sister, so he stopped coming, and he couldn’t invite him.” Quan Juan said with a smile: “His mouth is full of mothers. used to him!"
Chang Chuan blushed a long time ago because her words were too explicit, and it was inconvenient to attack her younger brother in front of others.Yunfan hurriedly interrupted: "Are you going to dance today?" Quan Juan said: "Is it too late?"
Yun Fan said: "It's a big festival, it doesn't matter if it's a little later." Chang Chuan smiled and said, "Mr. Zhang is so happy today."
She tried several times, and felt that although he was not particularly happy, he was not unhappy at all.It can be seen that he can tolerate everything about her family.Knowing this, I felt at ease.
That day, my sister and brother-in-law accompanied them out to dance.Returning late at night, when she was about to go to bed, Chuanchang recalled that she had just come out of the dance floor and walked a short distance to call a car. The four of them walked side by side, arm in arm, and his elbow happened to be on her chest. superior.Although they danced together, they couldn't get any closer.
I blushed when I thought of this, and decided to wear high-heeled shoes next time when I went out, so that I could be at the same height as him when walking side by side.But that's not right...it's not right no matter what, and what's more, what is this little contact?Next time they go out alone, what if he wants to kiss her?It's too early, we haven't known each other for long, so I'll let him take it lightly in the future.But in the end, the family has already defaulted...
She had a fever on her face, which lasted for a long time.The next day we made an appointment to go out together, but she fell ill and didn't go out.
After being ill for more than a month, Mr. Zheng and Mrs. Zheng couldn't avoid suspicion, so she asked Zhang Yunfan for a diagnosis.Chang Chuan has been in good health since she was a child, never gets sick, and has no habit of taking off her clothes in front of doctors.For her, undressing is a physical examination.She was so thin that her ribs and hip bones protruded high.What should he think?Has his future wife disappointed him too much?
Of course, there was no expression on his face, only a Christian joy—the typical clinical attitude of an ordinary doctor—smiling and said: "Be patient and take care of it, it doesn't matter what matters... How do you feel today? You can drink orange juice in two days." It's gone." She hated his way of doing it, as if she was not a woman, but just a patient.
There are also a few different types of patients.In the extravagant bedroom, with curtains drawn, curly hair, light pajamas trimmed with white rabbit fur, and brocade pajamas on the bed, modern Lin Daiyu also has her unique charm.Chang Chuan didn't even have a decent pajamas, so she put on her mother's white gown, and didn't take a bath for a long time, and the bed sheets were never changed.
The smell of the sick...
She was not very happy with Dr. Zhang.It seemed to her as if he had come to see her unexpectedly when she was undressed.People dressed more shabby than usual are more rude than usual when they meet customers.
Chang Chuan became sick and impatient, tried to get up a few times, but didn't she just get through it?Mrs. Zheng couldn't stop her, so she had to tell her: Mr. Zhang said that she had lung disease.
Zhang Yunfan came to see her every day and gave her air injections for free.Whenever his hand lightly pressed against her ribs, with cool scientific fingers, she would turn her head to stare at the blue sky outside the window.The contact I've always dreamed of... yes, one day—one day...but I didn't expect it to be like this.Unexpectedly.
Her eyes were covered with water shells.She opened her eyes wide without blinking, for fear that it might break.What does it look like to cry at him?He was very considerate, and always asked after the injection: "It hurts so much?" She nodded, and tears fell down.
Her flesh slipped away under his fingers.She loses weight day by day.Her face was stretched like a skeleton with white satin, and her eyes were like two large burning holes where sparkles had fallen on the satin.The more urgent the better.Chang Chuan knew that Yun Fan was seven or eight years older than her, and his parents repeatedly urged him to get married as soon as possible.
He could also see her anxiety.Once, after the injection, there was no one in the room. She thought he had left, but she heard a clang on the table, and it was he who moved the medicine bottle and glass.After a while of silence, he took the blanket behind her neck, stuffed it tighter, and said in a low voice, "I'm always waiting for you." This was half a year later.
She said nothing.She put her hand under the pillowcase, and a section of her wrist was exposed between the pillowcase and the bed.She knew he would interfere, and she hoped he would hold her hand and be sent to bed.Sure enough, he said: "Don't show your hands outside. It's freezing."
She doesn't move.Because she was lying on the bed, he especially wanted to avoid suspicion, so he smiled like coaxing a child: "Quick, put your hands in quickly. Be obedient and get better soon." She automatically retracted her hands.
For a while, she was in better spirits, and then she fell behind again.I was ill for two years and became bone consumptive.She vaguely seemed to know that Yun Fan had someone else.Mr. Zheng and Mrs. Zheng discussed with Quanjuan: "Just tell her, let her die. Such doubts will only make her sick." Then she honestly said to her: "Yun Fan has a girlfriend. It's called Yu Meizeng, and she's a nurse." Chuanchang said, "Have you seen her?"
Quanjuan said: "I played mahjong twice at the same table with her." Chuanchang said: "Why didn't I hear you mention it?" Quanjuan said: "I didn't know who she was at the time, so I didn't think to tell you. Chuanchang felt that the heat was rising, and her palm was burning uncomfortably, so she stuffed it into a pillowcase to keep it cold.He said: "I'm always waiting for you." The words are still in my ears, but I can't blame others. I have been waiting for her for almost two years, and now it is probably concluded that her disease is hopeless.
Hopeless.In the future, it is expected that there will be ten years of beauty, ten years of limelight, and twenty years of glory and wealth. Is this the end?
Mrs. Zheng said, "Why are you putting your hands in the pillowcase?" Chuan Chang said, "Look for a handkerchief of mine." After she said that, she regretted it. Don't let people think that she found a handkerchief to wipe her tears.Mrs. Zheng was considerate and didn't ask any further questions. She just bent down and patted her, and said softly, "Why isn't the button on the pillowcase fastened?" They are peeled off one by one and fastened again." Then he went to buckle the snap button.After half-buttoning it, she tightly grasped the pillowcase, and pressed the small pointy end of the button into the palm of her hand fiercely, wanting to nail the palm through, so as to vent her hatred.
Chang Chuan expressed repeatedly that she wanted to meet that Miss Yu Meizeng.Mrs. Zheng felt sorry for her daughter's marriage, but she also had the same curiosity, so she invited Dr. Zhang, Ms. Yu, to play cards.This Yu Meizeng has a small round face, narrow eyebrows and thin eyes, and a short stature. She wears a thin black woolen coat with a small iron boat pin buttoned on the lapel. .Chuan Chang saw this person with an ordinary appearance, and the first unreasonable feeling was relief.The second feeling is that she blames her lover for being so blind. He once went through a sea of difficulties, so why did he choose such an inferior role? It is an insult to the people in front of him.The third and strongest feeling is resentment.Because she loves him, she thinks only a magnificent woman is worthy of him.Yu Meizeng was neither qualified nor satisfied, so he purposely pursed his lips in front of people to make trouble with him, and gave him a cross-eyed glance whenever he had time.Mei Zeng's catchphrase is: "This is Yun Fan!" It seems that he has many things to criticize.Chang Chuan was shocked and angry when he heard it.Yun Fan in her heart is the most ideal person.
Yes, she only knows Yunfan's advantages, and Yunfan's shortcomings will be discovered slowly after another woman marries him, but it can't be such a woman...
However, Yu Meizeng also has her merits.She took off her overcoat, and in the midst of winter, she only wore a silk jacket with bare arms, red, yellow, purple and green, and her whole body was the color of drunkenness.Although Chang Chuan hadn't gone out for a long time, she guessed that it must be the latest popular clothing material.Dressed so thinly, Yu Meizeng didn't show any sign of shrinking.
She was fat, but fat and twisted and tense.
In contrast, Chang Chuan felt even more ashamed.How did Yu Meizeng feel when he saw her?Mei Zeng must have heard about the relationship between Dr. Zhang and the patient with lung disease.
Should she also blame her lover for being too blind?
Chang Chuan had considered this point long ago, and asked someone to find out a photo she took the year before last and pressed it under the glass of the square table.Sure enough, Mei Zeng bent down to look at it for a long time.She didn't ask, "Who is this?" She looked and looked.If it was taken by a famous photo studio, there must be embossed English characters at the bottom of the picture, but there is no.She asked with a smile: "Where did you take the photo?" Chuan Chang said: "It's a family near here." Mei Zeng said: "The small photo studio takes pictures, and when I come here, I take pictures of people like prisoners. That's the difference." Good." Chuan Chang couldn't answer for a while.Mei Zeng said again: "But Miss Zheng, you really took the photo." Meaning: Although the photo is ugly, it is three points better than my own.
After Meizeng Yunfan left, everyone felt the need to comfort Chuanchang.Even Mr. Zheng, who never came to his daughter's room too much for fear of contagion, also came upstairs.
He puffed heavily on his cigar, creating a defensive smoke screen.Chang Chuan intentionally pretended not to mind, but brought the topic to Yu Meizeng instead.众人评头品足，泉娟说：“长的也不见得好。”郑夫人道：“我就不赞成她那副派头。”郑先生认为她们这是过于露骨的妒忌，便故意地笑道：
“我说人家相当的漂亮。”川嫦笑道：“对了，爹喜欢那一路的身个子。”泉娟道：“爹喜欢人胖。”郑先生笑道：“不怪章云藩要看中一个胖些的，他看病人实在看腻了！”川嫦笑道：
“爹就是轻嘴薄舌的！”
郑夫人后来回到自己屋里，叹道：“可怜她还撑着不露出来——这孩子要强！”郑先生道：“不是我说丧气话，四毛头这病我看过不了明年春天。”说着，不禁泪流满面。
泉娟将一张药方递过来道：“刚才云藩开了个方子，这种药他诊所里没有，叫派人到各大药房去买买试试。”郑夫人向郑先生道：“先把钱交给打杂的，明儿一早叫他买去。”郑先生睁眼诧异道：“现在西药是什么价钱，你是喜欢买药厂股票的，你该有数呀。明儿她死了，我们还过日子不过？”郑夫人听不得股票这句话，早把脸急白了，道：“你胡*w些什么？”郑先生道：“你的钱你爱怎么使怎么使。我花钱可得花得高兴，苦着脸子花在医药上，够多冤！这孩子一病两年，不但你，你是爱牺牲，找着牺牲的，就连我也带累着牺牲了不少。不算对不起她了，肥鸡大鸭子吃腻了，一天两只苹果——现在是什么时世，做老子的一个姨太太都养活不起，她吃苹果！我看我们也就只能这样了。再要变着法儿兴出新花样来，你有钱你给她买去。”
郑夫人忖度着，若是自己拿钱给她买，那是证实了自己有私房钱存着。左思右想，唯有托云藩设法。当晚趁着川嫦半夜里服药的时候便将这话源源本本告诉了川嫦，又道：“云藩帮了我们不少的忙，自从你得了病，哪一样不是他一手包办，现在他有了朋友，若是就此不管了，岂不叫人说闲话，倒好像他从前全是一片私心。单看在这份上，他也不能不敷衍我们一次。”
川嫦听了此话，如同万箭钻心。想到今天余美增曾经说过：“郑小姐闷得很罢？以后我每天下了班来陪你谈谈，搭章医生的车一块儿来，好不好？”那分明是存心监督的意思。多了个余美增在旁边虎视眈眈的，还要不识相，死活纠缠着云藩，要这个，要那个，叫他为难。It's so embarrassing.一定要她父母拿出钱来呢，她这病已是治不好的了，难怪他们不愿把钱扔在水里。这两年来，种种地方已经难为了他们。
总之，她是个拖累。对于整个的世界，她是个拖累。
这花花世界充满了各种愉快的东西——橱窗里的东西，大菜单上的，时装样本上的，最艺术化的房间，里面空无所有，只有高齐天花板的大玻璃窗，地毯与五颜六色的软垫；还有小孩——呵，当然，小孩她是要的，包在毛绒衣、兔子耳朵小帽里面的西式小孩，像圣诞卡片上的，哭的时候可以叫奶妈抱出去。
川嫦自己也是可爱的，人家要她，她便得到她所要的东西。这一切都是她份内的。
然而现在，她自己一寸一寸地死去了，这可爱的世界也一寸一寸地死去了。凡是她目光所及，手指所触的，立即死去。余美增穿着娇艳的衣服，泉娟新近置了一房新家具，可是这对于川嫦失去了意义。她不存在，这些也就不存在。
从小不为家里喜爱的孩子向来有一种渺小的感觉。川嫦本来觉得自己无足轻重，但是自从生了病，终日郁郁地自思自想，她的自我观念逐渐膨胀。硕大无朋的自身和这腐烂而美丽的世界，两个尸首背对背拴在一起，你坠着我，我坠着你，往下沉。
她受不了这痛苦。她想早一点结果了她自己。
早上趁着爹娘没起床，赵妈上庙烧香去了，厨子在买菜，家里只有一个新来的李妈，什么都不懂，她叫李妈背她下楼去，给她雇了一部黄包车。她趴在李妈背上像一个冷而白的大白蜘蛛。
她身边带着五十块钱，打算买一瓶安眠药，再到旅馆里开个房间住一宿。多时没出来过，她没想到生活程度涨到这样。五十块钱买不了安眠药，况且她又没有医生的证书。她茫然坐着黄包车兜了个圈子，在西菜馆吃了一顿饭，在电影院里坐了两个钟头。她要重新看看上海。
从前川嫦出去，因为太忙着被注意，从来不大有机会注意到身外的一切。没想到今日之下这不碍事的习惯给了她这么多的痛苦。
到处有人用骇异的眼光望着她，仿佛她是个怪物。她所要的死是诗意的，动人的死。可是人们的眼睛里没有悲悯。她记起了同学的纪念册上时常发现的两句诗：“笑，全世界便与你同声笑；哭，你便独自哭。”世界对于他人的悲哀并不是缺乏同情：秦雪梅吊孝，小和尚哭灵，小寡妇上坟，川嫦的母亲自伤身世，都不难使人同声一哭。只要是戏剧化的，虚假的悲哀，他们都能接受。可是真遇着了一身病痛的人，他们只睁大了眼睛说：“这女人瘦来！怕来！”
郑家走失了病人，分头寻觅，打电话到轮渡公司，外滩公园，各大旅馆，各大公司，乱了一天。傍晚时分，川嫦回来了，在阖家电气的寂静中上了楼。郑夫人跟进房来，待要盘诘责骂，川嫦喘吁吁靠在枕头上，拿着把镜子梳理她的直了的鬈发，将汗腻的头发编成两根小辫。郑夫人忍不住道：
“累成这个样子，还不歇歇？上哪儿去了一天？”川嫦手一松，丢了镜子，突然搂住她母亲，伏在她母亲背上放声哭了起来，道：“娘！娘，我怎么变得这么难看？”她问了又问，她母亲也哭了。
可是有时候川嫦也很乐观，逢到天气好的时候，枕衣新在太阳里晒过，枕头上留有太阳的气味。郑夫人在巷堂外面发现了一家小小的鞋店，价格特别便宜。因替合家大小每人买了两双鞋。川嫦虽然整年不下床，也为她置了两双绣花鞋，一双皮鞋。当然，现在穿着嫌大，补养补养，胖起来的时候，就合脚了。不久她又要设法减轻体重了，扣着点吃，光吃胡萝卜和花旗橘子，早晚做柔软体操。川嫦把一只脚踏到皮鞋里试了一试，道：“这种皮看上去倒很牢，总可以穿两三年。”
她死在三星期后。
（一九四四年二月）