Chapter 20 The third Ada (2)

"Oh! You don't love me, you don't love me! What's the meaning of this nonsense? A man either loves or he doesn't love. If you love me, you should love me, love me the way I am, and don't care about me Do something to love forever." "If you love you like this, don't you treat you like a beast?" "I just want you to love me like this." "Then you're mistaken," he said jokingly. "I'm not who you think I am. Even if I wanted to, I probably wouldn't be able to. And I don't want to." "You pretend to be clever! You love your cleverness more than me."

"It's you who I love, you heartless! I love you more than you love yourself. The more beautiful you are, the better your heart is, the more I love you." "You're an old pedant," she said ruefully. "What do you want me to do? I just love beauty and hate ugliness." "Do you hate even the ugliness in me?" "Especially on you." She stomped her feet angrily: "I don't want to be criticized." "Then you can complain, complain that I judge you, complain that I love you," he said softly, trying to comfort her. She held him in her arms, and even smiled, allowing him to kiss.But after a while, he thought she had forgotten, and she asked uncomfortably, "What do you think is ugly about me?"

He didn't dare to tell her, but replied cowardly: "I don't think there is anything ugly about you." She thought for a while, then smiled and said, "You said you don't like lying, don't you?" "Then I hate it the most." "Yes. I hate it too. I never lie, so I don't have to worry about that." He looked at her and felt that she was telling the truth.He felt so ignorant of his own shortcomings that he softened. "Then," she threw her arm around his neck, "if I once loved someone else and told you, why should you hate me?"

"Don't keep grinding me." "I don't grind you; I don't tell you that I love others now; and I can tell you that I don't love others now...but if I love others in the future..." "Let's not think about it." "I'm thinking about it... Don't you hate me at that time? You can't hate me, can you?" "I don't hate you, I just leave you." "Leave me? Why? If I still love you? . . . " "While loving others, you still love me?" "Of course it is possible." "That's not going to happen to us."

"why?" "Because when you fall in love with someone else, I don't love you anymore, and I will never love you again." "Just now you said: maybe...now you say you don't love me anymore!" "It's better for you that way." "why?" "Because if I still love you when you love others, the result will be bad for you, me, and others." "Oh! . . . You're just crazy. Must I be with you all my life?" "Don't worry, you are free. You can leave me whenever you love. But at that time, it is not goodbye but farewell."

"But what if I still love you?" "Love requires mutual sacrifice." "Then you sacrifice yourself!" He couldn't help laughing at her selfishness; she laughed too. "One-sided sacrifice only creates one-sided love," he said. "Absolutely not, it can create love on both sides. If you sacrifice for me, I will only love you more. Think about it, on your side, since you can sacrifice for me, it means that you love me very much, so You will be very happy." They laughed, glad to be able to put aside their opinions so seriously. He smiled, and he looked at her.In fact, as she said, she has no intention of leaving Christophe at this moment; although he often tires and annoys her, she also knows how valuable his loyalty is; and she doesn't love others .What she had just said was in jest, partly because she knew he didn't like it, and partly because she felt that there was a pleasure in playing with these dangerous and innocent thoughts, like a child likes to stir up dirty water.He knew it and didn't hate her.But he was tired of such unhealthy arguments, of quarreling with this uncertain and disturbed woman; Tired, too, and sometimes even wept.He thought: "Why does she do this, why does a person do this? Life is so boring!"... At the same time, he smiled slightly, looking at the beautiful face leaning over him, with blue eyes and flowery eyes. Skin-colored, laughing, chattering, and somewhat stupid mouth, half-opened, revealing the brilliance of tongue and moist teeth.Their lips almost touched; but he seemed to be looking at her from afar, as if from another world; he watched her slowly go away, disappearing into the clouds... Then he couldn't see her, he couldn't hear her.He forgot everything and only thought about music, his dreams, and things that had nothing to do with Ada.He heard a tune.He composed music there quietly... Ah!pleasant music! ... How desolate, desolate!But it is gentle and loving... Ah!how nice! ...isn't it?Isn't it? ... and all the rest is illusory.

He was grabbed by the arm and pushed a few times, and he heard a voice shouting: "Hey, what's the matter with you? Are you really crazy? Why are you looking at me like this? Why don't you answer me?" He saw the eyes looking at him again.Who is that? ……--what!Yes . . . he sighed. She looked at him carefully, to know what he was thinking.She couldn't figure it out, she just felt that she was wasting all her efforts and couldn't quite catch him, that there was always a door through which he could escape.She was secretly angry. Once she called him back from this trance and asked, "Why are you crying?"

He wiped his hands over his eyes until they felt wet. "I don't know," he said. "Why don't you answer? I've asked you three times." "What do you want?" He said softly. She started those odd arguments again, and he made a weary gesture. "Don't worry," she said, "I'll finish with one more word." But she went on talking again and again. Christophe jumped up angrily: "Can you stop talking to me like this?" "I was just kidding." "Then find some cleaner topics!" "At least you have to discuss it with me and tell me why you hate it."

"There is no reason to say this! For example, if the garbage stinks, do we still have to discuss the reason for it to stink? If it stinks, then it's over. I can only walk away with my nose blocked." He left angrily, striding forward, breathing the cold air outside. But here she came again, once, twice, ten times.Anything that could hurt his conscience and embarrass him, she would shake it out and put it in front of him. He thought it was just the morbid game of a nervous girl who liked to torture people for a pastime.He shrugged or pretended not to listen to her, not to take her seriously.But sometimes he still couldn't help wanting to throw her out of the window: because neurasthenia, the disease and people suffering from neurasthenia, didn't taste good to him...

However, as long as he leaves her for ten minutes, he will forget all the annoying things.He returned to Ada with new hopes and new illusions.He loves her.Love is an eternal belief.A person believes because he believes, and it does not matter whether God exists or not.A person loves because he loves, there is no need for much reason! ... After the quarrel between Christophe and the Vauches family, it was impossible to live in their house any longer, and Louisa had to find another house. One day, Christopher's little brother, Ernst, who had not heard from him for a long time, came home suddenly.He tried all sorts of trades and was thrown out of them all.Lost his errand, penniless, and physically ruined, he thought it would be better to go back to his hometown to recuperate.

Ernst and his brothers were not on bad terms; they looked down on others, and he knew it, but he didn't mind it, so he didn't hate them.Nor did they hate him, for it is vain to hate him.No matter what people say to him, it is tantamount to falling on deaf ears.He squinted his obsequious eyes and smiled, pretending to be remorseful, thinking of other things, but kept saying thank you, but in the end he always knocked some money on the two elder brothers.Christophe couldn't help feeling very fond of this lovable villain.He was more like their father Melchior in appearance.As tall and strong as Christophe, he has good features, and his features seem to be straightforward, with clear eyes, straight nose, smiling mouth, beautiful teeth, and charming manners.Christophe softened at the sight of him, prepared to reproach him in advance, and did not say even half of it; in his bones he had something like a mother's partiality for this handsome boy, who was not only of his own blood, but also of his own blood. And at least physically, it's saving face for him.He didn't think the brother was bad at heart, nor was Garnstead stupid at all.Although he has no education, he is not bad at all, and he is even interested in activities that improve his mood.He listened to the music with relish, and although he didn't understand his brother's works, he still listened curiously.Christophe never had much sympathy from his family, so it was a pleasure to see the little brother present at some concerts. But Ernsted's main ability is to thoroughly understand and make good use of the characters of the two brothers.Christophe knew Ernst's selfishness and fickleness, and knew that he only thought of his mother and brother when he needed them, but he was still deceived by his sweet words, and rarely refused his request.He liked him much more than his other brother, Lotov.Lotov was a well-behaved man, conscientious in his work, very moral, neither asked for money nor gave money to others, and visited his mother every Sunday as usual for an hour, always talking about his own affairs, boasting Self-proclaimed, bragging about his store and everything about him, never asking about other people's affairs, showing no concern at all, leaving as soon as the time is up, thinking that the responsibility has been fulfilled and an explanation has been made.Christophe couldn't stand this brother.He always tried to stay out when Rotolf came home.Lotauf was jealous of Christophe: he despised artists, and Christophe's business card made him feel sad.However, he often used his brother's reputation in his merchant society, but never mentioned it to his mother or Christophe, pretending not to know what his brother's reputation was.On the contrary, he knew that anything unpleasant happened to Christophe, even if it was a small one.Christophe despised these narrow-minded behaviors, and only did not feel them; but it never occurred to him (if he found out, he would not be able to bear it), that part of the bad news that Lotauf knew was from Grace. From Stud.The little rascal saw clearly the difference between Christophe and Lotauf: of course he recognized Christophe's superiority, and perhaps had some ironic sympathy for his straightforwardness.But he never refused to take advantage of Christophe's frankness; on the other hand, despite his bad heart of despising Lautauf, he still used his heart without shame.He catered to Lotauf's vanity and jealousy, listened respectfully to his complaints, told him the scandals in the town, especially about Christophe, and Ernsted also treated Christophe. Know very detailed.Finally he achieved his goal: although Lotauf was so stingy, he ended up defrauding him of the money just like Christophe. In this way, Ensted used them equally and laughed at them equally.And they both like him just as much. In spite of all his scheming, Ernst was in a miserable state when he returned home.He had come from Munich, where he had lost his last job, as is customary when he gets one and loses it immediately.For more than half of the distance, he walked, braved the heavy rain, and God knows where he lived at night.Covered in mud and ragged, he looked like a beggar, and coughed very badly from the bad bronchitis he had contracted on the road.When Louisa saw him come back in this state, Louisa was terrified, and Christophe was moved to meet him.Ernst, whose tears are worthless, had to take advantage of them; so everyone was moved, and the three cried together. Christophe vacated his room; the bed was warmed, and the sick man who seemed to be dying was put to sleep.Louisa and Christophe took turns attending the bedside.It is necessary to invite a doctor and buy medicine, but also to light a fire in the room and arrange some special food. Then they had to think about getting his clothes, shoes and socks from head to toe, inside and out.Ernst let them bother.Louisa and Christophe, sweating profusely, went about trying to get money.At this time, they were very short of money: they had recently moved, and the house was still uncomfortable, but the rent was more expensive; Christophe's teaching errands had been reduced, and the expenses could have increased a lot.They usually only make ends meet, and now they have to find ways to raise funds.Of course, Christophe could ask Lotauf for money, so that he would be more powerful to help Ernsted; but Christophe was unwilling, so he must fight for his breath and help the little brother alone.He considered it his duty, because he was the elder brother, and especially because he was Christophe.Half a month ago, someone approached him, saying that a rich amateur musician was willing to pay for a work to be published under his own name. Christophe angrily refused at the time, but now he had to accept the humiliation and agreed, and I still begged myself.Lu Yisha went out to do odd jobs, mending clothes for others.They kept their sacrifices from each other, and they always lied to each other about the source of the money. Ernst, during his convalescence, sat huddled by the fire, coughing and declaring that he had some debts.They all paid it off for him.No one complained about him.To speak of reproach to a prodigal patient may seem petty.Ernsted also seemed to have suffered and changed.With tears in his eyes he talked about his past mistakes; Louisa hugged him and persuaded him not to think about it.He has a set of soft skills, and he always pretends to deceive his mother.Christophe used to be jealous of him for this, but now he feels that the youngest and weakest son should be the most loved.Although he was about the same age as Ernst, he not only regarded him as a brother, but as a son.Ernst respected him very much, and sometimes mentioned Christopher's heavy burden and sacrifice of money...Chrisdopher would not let him go on, Ernest expressed his gratitude with humble and kind eyes.He accepted all of Christopher's advice to him, and he seemed to be ready to be a man again and go to work properly as soon as his body recovered. He recovered from his illness, but he had a long time to recuperate.He had wrecked his body so badly that the doctors thought it necessary to be careful.So he continued to live with his mother, sharing a bed with Christophe, eating the bread his brother earned and the good dishes his mother prepared for him with a good appetite.He never said anything about leaving.Louisa and Christophe did not mention it to him either.One is to find a beloved son, and the other is to find a beloved brother. Both of them are so happy. The night was long and quiet, and Christopher slowly talked with Ernest more intimately.He needs to speak to someone from the bottom of his heart.Ernst was very clever, quick-thinking, and understood every word, so it was interesting to talk to him.But Christophe did not dare to mention the most intimate thing-his love, as if it would be profane to say it.And Ernst, who knows everything, just does not know. One day Ernst, who had fully recovered, went out for a walk along the Rhine in a sunny afternoon.Not far from the city, there is a lively country inn, where people come to drink and dance on Sundays; Ernst saw Christopher, Ada and Mira occupying a table, laughing and making noise.Christophe also saw his brother and blushed.Ernsted showed his interest and walked past without saying hello. This encounter made Christophe very embarrassed, and he felt especially ashamed when he was with those people; the embarrassment of being bumped into by his brother was not only because he lost the right to criticize his brother, but also because he had a lot of responsibility for his elder brother. Gao, very naive, a bit outdated, and a ridiculous concept in the eyes of many people; he thinks that such not fulfilling the elder brother's responsibility is tantamount to degeneration. They met in the bedroom at night, and he waited for Ernst to speak first about it.Ernsted was very careful not to make a sound, and waited there.It was not until he was undressing that Christophe decided to mention his love to his brother.He was so flustered that he didn't dare to look at Ernst; and because of his shyness, he deliberately pretended to speak suddenly.Ernst did not help him at all; he was silent and did not look at his brother, but he saw everything clearly: Christophe's clumsy manner and all the ridiculousness between his words could not escape. Ernsted's eyes.Christophe dared not say Ada's name; what he described about her could be applied to all lovers.But when he talked about his love, he was slowly aroused by the tenderness in his heart, and he said how much happiness love gives people, how distressed he was before he encountered this light in the dark night, and that without a deep love, life is tantamount to wasting Same.Ernst listened solemnly, answered very cleverly, never asked questions, but shook hands very movedly, expressing that he and Christophe felt the same way.They exchange opinions about love and life.Christophe was very pleased to see that his brother understood him so well.They hugged each other lovingly before falling asleep. From then on, Christophe often mentioned his love to Ernsted. Although he was always timid and did not dare to reveal it as much as possible, the prudence and wit of this brother reassured him.He also expressed doubts about Ada, but he never blamed Ada, only blamed himself.He said with tears in his eyes that he would not live without her. At the same time, he also mentioned Enside in front of Ada, saying how beautiful and smart he was. Ernst did not ask Christopher to introduce Ada; he just locked himself in the room depressed and refused to go out, saying that he had no acquaintances.Christophe felt that he should not go to the countryside with Ada every Sunday, leaving his brother alone at home.On the other hand he found it very difficult not to be alone with his mistress: yet he always reproached himself for his selfishness, and finally invited Ernst to play with them. Outside Adam's gate, he introduced his brother.Ensted and Ada saluted very politely.Ada came out, followed by the inseparable Mira; she gave a cry of surprise when she saw Ernst.Ernsted smiled and hugged Mira, Mira accepted it as if nothing had happened. "What! Did you know each other?" Christophe asked in surprise. "Of course," Mira said with a smile. "Since when?" "It's been a long time." "Oh! You know that too?" Christophe asked Ada, "why didn't you tell me?" "Do you think I know all of Mira's lovers?" Ada shrugged. Mira pretended to be angry at Ada's words.That was all Christophe knew.He was very unhappy, and felt that Ernst, Mira, and Ada were not confessing, although in fact they could not be said to be lying; but it was hard to believe that Mira, who wanted to keep everything from Ada, would hide this from Ada , Said that Ernst and Ada did not know each other before and were not close to the truth.He takes care of them.They exchanged only a few very ordinary words, and when they walked together later, Ernsted was concerned only with Mira.As far as Ada was concerned, she only talked to Christophe, and she was more friendly than usual. From then on, Ernst must attend every meeting.Christophe wanted to get rid of him very much, but he dared not say so.His motive was simply because he felt that his brother should not be attracted as a companion for fun, but he had absolutely no suspicion.There was nothing suspicious about Ernst's actions: he seemed to be attached to Mira, and he treated Ada with a polite, almost over-respectful attitude, as if he wanted to share some of the respect he had for his brother with his mistress.Ada was not surprised; she herself acted very cautiously. They took long walks together.The two brothers walked in front, while Ada and Mira laughed and muttered behind.They stopped in the middle of the road for a long talk, and Christophe and Ernst stopped to wait for them.As a result, Christophe became impatient and looked forward by himself; but soon, he heard Ernst and the two talkative girls talking and laughing, and came back annoyed, wondering what they said; but they As he approached, the conversation stopped abruptly. "What secrets do you keep discussing together?" he asked. They covered him with a joke.The three of them are very speculative, like thieves in the field. Christophe had just had a violent quarrel with Ada.They've been angry since morning.Normally, Ada would put on a serious and angry face on such occasions, which was extremely annoying, and it was regarded as revenge.This time she only acted as if there was no Christophe, and she was still very happy with the other two companions.As if she welcomed the quarrel. Christophe, on the other hand, was eager to make peace; he was more enthusiastic than ever.In addition to the warmth in his heart, he was also grateful for the happiness that love gave him, regretted the time wasted by those silly arguments, and added an inexplicable fear that their love was about to end.Ada just didn't see him, and laughed with others; he looked at her beautiful face sadly, recalling so many precious memories; Storf asked herself why they didn't get along better, why they took pleasure in violating happiness, why she tried to forget those bright times, why she wiped out all the good and honest parts of her, why she had to ( At least in thought) insult their pure feelings and be quick.Feeling compelled to believe in the object of his love, he endeavors to recreate the illusion.He blamed himself for being unfair and hated himself for his lack of tolerance. He walked up to her and struck up a conversation with her, and she answered a few words coldly, without any intention of making peace with him.He pressed her tightly, bit her ear and asked her to leave with others for a while and listen to him alone.She followed him unhappily.When they were a few steps behind, and Mira and Ernst could not see them, he suddenly grabbed her hand, begged her forgiveness, and knelt on the dead leaves in the woods.He told her that he could not go on living after such a quarrel with her; that he was not interested in walks, in beautiful scenery, in anything; that he needed her to love him.Yes, he was often very unjust, ill-tempered, and disagreeable; he begged her pardon, saying that this fault was his love, for nothing that was mediocre and did not match their precious past he could not Bear.He mentioned the past, their first meeting, and their life in the first few days; he said that he loved her forever and always in the future, and hoped that she would not leave him!She is everything to him... Ada listened, smiling, a little flustered, almost relented.Her eyes softened, showing that they loved each other and were no longer angry.They embraced each other, leaned close together, and walked through the woods where the leaves had fallen off.She thought Christophe very lovely, and was glad to hear his gentle words; but she did not give up even one of her fanciful and evil thoughts.She hesitated a little, her thoughts were not as determined as before, but she did not abandon the plan in her chest.Why?Who can tell? ...Because she has already made up her mind to do it, so she must do it? ……who knows?Perhaps she thought it more interesting to trick a friend on this day to prove to him that she was free.She didn't want Christophe to run away, she didn't want to.Now she thought she was more sure of him than ever. They came to a clearing in the woods, where two paths led to the hill they were going for.The one chosen by Christophe, Ernst thought it was a long way, and the other should be taken.Ada said the same thing.Christophe insisted that they were wrong because he had been here so often.They don't admit it.As a result, everyone decided to come to the field to try it out, and everyone bet that they would be the first to arrive.Ada goes with Ernst.Miracle accompanied Christophe, expressing her belief that Christophe was right, adding that he was never wrong.Christophe was very serious about the game, and he didn't want to lose the host, so he walked very fast. Mira felt that it was too fast, and she was not as anxious as he was. "What are you in a hurry for, good friend," she said in a calm and sarcastic tone, "We're always there first." After telling her, he also felt that he was wrong: "Yes, I walked too fast; there is no need to hurry." He slowed down his pace and said: "But I know their temper, they must be running and trying to get ahead of us." Mira laughed loudly: "Don't worry! They won't run away." She hung his arm very close to him.She was a little shorter than Christophe, and she raised her clever and coquettish eyes to look at him as she walked.She was indeed beautiful and charming.He hardly knew her: she could change.Ordinarily her face was pale and puffy; but any stimulus, or thought of pleasure, or desire to please, would leave the haggard look, and the creases around the eyes and eyelids would disappear. Now, his cheeks are flushed, his eyes are brightened, his whole face is full of vitality, a kind of vitality, a kind of spirit, which Ada doesn't have.Christophe found it strange to see her change; he averted his eyes and felt a little disturbed to be alone with her.He was embarrassed, he didn't listen to her, he didn't answer her, or he didn't answer her questions: he was thinking—he insisted that he only thought about Ada.He remembered her soft eyes just now, and his heart was filled with love.Mira wanted him to admire the beauty of the trees, the slender branches reflected in the clear sky... Yes, everything was beautiful: the dark clouds parted, Ada returned to his arms, and the iceberg between them was pushed down by him ; they fell in love again and became one.How free he was to breathe, how easy the air was!Ada is back in his arms...everything makes him miss her...it's very humid: won't she catch cold? . . . the beautiful tree is dotted with ice: a pity she did not see it! ...He suddenly remembered the host he was betting on, and hurried up his pace, paying special attention not to get lost, and when he arrived at the destination, he shouted triumphantly: "We're here first!" He waved his hat happily.Mira smiled and looked at him. The place they came to was a long cut wall in the middle of the woods.This hilltop flat, surrounded by walnut trees and spindly oaks, and below it green hillsides, topped by pine trees with purple clouds, and the Rhine lying like a ribbon in the midst of blue valleys.No birdsong.No vocals.Not a shadow of wind.This is the quiet and quiet day in winter, it seems to be shrinking under the dim sunlight to keep warm.From time to time, a short whistling sound could be heard from a distance from the train passing by in the valley.Christophe stood on the edge of the cliff and looked at the scenery.Myra looked at Christophe. He turned to her and said cheerfully, "Hey! Those two lazy bastards, I told them earlier?... Well, we have to wait for them..." He lay down on the cracked ground, basking in the sun. "Right, let's wait..." Mira said, shaking her hair. Her tone was so sarcastic that Christophe could not help raising his body and looking at her. "What's the matter?" she asked nonchalantly. "What did you say?" "I said: let's wait. I really don't need to run so fast." "right." The two of them lay down on the uneven ground.Mira hummed a tune.Christophe sang a few lines along, but he stopped and stretched his ears every now and then, saying, "I seem to hear their voices." Mira continued singing. "Will you be quiet for a while?" Mira paused. "Ouch, there's no sound at all." She hummed again. Christophe began to fidget: "Maybe they lost their way." "Get lost? No way. Ernst knows the way here very well." Christophe suddenly had a strange idea: "What if they got here first and then set off?" Mila was lying on her back, looking up at the sky, and suddenly burst into laughter halfway through singing, almost holding her breath.Christophe insisted on going back to the station, saying that they must be there.Mira decided to speak after hearing this: "That's a good way to get away from them! ... We never talked about the station, and we agreed to meet here." He sat down next to her again.She found it amusing to see him waiting anxiously.He also felt that her eyes were laughing at him.But he became seriously worried, not suspicious of them but worried about what happened to them.He got up again, and said he was going back to the woods to find them and call them.Mira snorted softly, took out the sewing scissors from her pocket, and unwrapped the feathers on the hat and sewed it again: she looked as if she was going to stay here for a day. "Take it easy, fool," she said. "If they wanted to come, wouldn't they come by themselves?" Shocked, he turned around to face her.She didn't look at him and concentrated on her work.He approached and called: "Myra!" "Huh?" she said as she went about her business. He knelt down to take a closer look at her, and called out again: "Mira!" "What's the matter?" She raised her eyes and looked at him with a smile, "What's the matter?" Seeing his flustered look, she couldn't help showing a mocking expression. "Mira!" he said in a hoarse voice, "tell me what you think..." She shrugged, smiled, and put her head back down to her work. He grabbed her hand and took away the hat she was sewing: "Don't do it, don't do it, tell me..." She looked at him head-on, and her heart softened.She saw that Christophe's lips were trembling. "Do you think," he said in a softer voice, "that Ernst and Ada..." She smiled slightly: "Hey! Hey!" He jumped up with anger: "No! No! That's impossible! You would never think so! . . . No! No!" She put her hand on his shoulder and laughed: "Oh! Honey, how stupid you are! How stupid you are!" He shook her vigorously and said, "Don't laugh! Why are you laughing? You wouldn't laugh if it was true. You belong to Einstead..." She continued to laugh and pulled him over for a hug.He involuntarily kissed her back.But as soon as he touched her lips, feeling the warmth of his brother's kiss, he stepped back, held her head in his cup, and asked at a considerable distance: "Then you knew it a long time ago! You discussed it a long time ago?" She smiled and said, "Yes." Christophe neither yelled nor made an angry movement.He opened his mouth as if he couldn't breathe, closed his eyes, and pressed his hands tightly to his chest: his heart was about to burst.Then he lay on the ground, holding his head, convulsing with disgust and despair, as he had when he was a child. Mira, who was not so gentle, felt sorry for him now; she leaned over him with maternal sympathy, spoke affectionate words to him, and offered him refreshing salt.He pushed her away in disgust, and stood up suddenly, startling her.He has neither the strength nor the desire to retaliate.He looked at her, his face convulsed with pain. "Bastard," he said dejectedly, "you don't know how much you're doing to people..." She wants to keep him.But he fled in the woods, disgusted with the shameless deeds, the foulness of the heart, and the incestuous obscenity with which they tried to drag him down.He was crying, trembling, hating and angry, howling loudly.He hated her, hated them, hated himself, hated his body and mind.A contemptuous fury welled up in him: it had been brewing for a long time; sooner or later he would rebel against this vile thought, this obscene understanding, the foul atmosphere in which he had lived for months; Because he needs to love his family, he needs to create all kinds of illusions about his lover, so he dragged it down as much as possible.Now it explodes: and it's better this way.A clean blockbuster.A gust of cold wind swept away all the filth.The feeling of disgust destroyed Ada's love all at once. If Ada thinks this incident can strengthen her control over Christophe, it proves that she is vulgar and does not understand her lover.The psychology of jealousy can make an innocent person more reluctant to part, but in a young, pure, and proud character like Christophe, it will only rebel against it.Above all he could not, and never would, forgive, that this deceit at Ada was neither due to passionate impulse nor to that obscene inclination that a woman's reason cannot resist.No,—he understood now,—she meant to disgrace him, to humiliate him, to punish him for holding beliefs hostile to her, to put他的人格降低到跟普通人一样，把他踩在脚下，使她感觉到自己作恶的力量。他不明白：为什么多数的人要把自己和别人所有的纯洁一起玷污而后快？为什么这般猪狗似的东西，乐此不疲的要在垃圾中打滚，要浑身没有一块干净的地方才快活？ ... 阿达等了两天，以为克利斯朵夫会去迁就她的。过了两天她发急了，给了他一封亲热的短信，绝口不提过去的事。克利斯朵夫置之不理。他对阿达切齿痛恨，简直没有言语可以形容。他把她从自己的生活中扫除了。世界上没有她这个人了。 克利斯朵夫摆脱了阿达的羁绊，但还没有摆脱他自己的。他徒然对自己作种种的幻想，徒然想回到过去那种贞洁，坚强，安静的境界。一个人决不能回到过去，只有继续向前。回头是无用的，除非看到你早先经过的地方，和住过的屋顶上的炊烟，在天边，在往事的云雾中慢慢隐灭。可是把我们和昔日的心情隔离得最远的，莫如几个月的热情。那好比大路拐了一个弯，景色全非；而我们是和以往的陈迹永诀了。 克利斯朵夫不肯承认这一点。他向过去伸着手臂，非要他从前那种高傲而隐忍的精神复活过来不可。可是这精神已经不存在了。情欲的危险不在于情欲本身，而在于它破坏的结果。尽管克利斯朵夫现在不爱了，甚至暂时还厌恶爱情，也是没用；他已经被爱情的利爪抓伤了，心中有了个必须想法填补的窟窿。对柔情与快感的需要那么强烈，使尝过一次滋味的人永远受着它的侵蚀：一旦没有了这个风魔，就得有别种风魔来代替，哪怕是跟以前相反的，例如"憎厌一切"的风魔，对那种"高傲的纯洁"的风魔，“信仰道德"的风魔。——而这些热情还不能厌足他的饥渴，至多是暂时敷衍一下。他的生活变成了一连串剧烈的反动，——从这一个极端跳到另一个极端。时而他想实行不近人情的禁欲主义：不吃东西，只喝清水，用走路，疲劳，熬夜等等来折磨肉体，不让它有一点儿快乐。时而他坚信，对他那一类的人，真正的道德应当是力，便尽量去寻欢作乐。禁欲也罢，纵欲也罢，他总是烦恼。他不能再孤独，却又不能不孤独。 他唯一的救星可能是找到一种真正的友谊，——也许象洛莎的那一种，那他一定会借以自慰的。但两家之间已经完全闹翻，不见面了。克利斯朵夫只碰到过一次洛莎。她望了弥撒从教堂里出来。他迟疑着不敢上前；她一见之下似乎想迎着他走过来；可是他从潮水般的信徒堆里向她挤过去时，她把头转向了别处；而他走近的时候，她只冷冷的行了个礼就走开了。他觉得这姑娘对他存着冷淡与鄙薄的心，可不知道她始终爱着他，极想告诉他；但她又因之埋怨自己，仿佛现在再爱他是一桩罪过，因为克利斯朵夫行为不端，已经堕落，跟她距离太远了。这样，他们就永远分离了。而这对于两人也许都有好处。虽然心地极好，她可没有活泼泼的生命力去了解他。他虽然极需要温情与敬意，也受不了平凡的，闭塞的，没有欢乐，没有痛苦，没有空气的生活。他们俩一定会痛苦的，——为了教对方痛苦而痛苦。所以使他们俩不能接近的不幸，归根结蒂倒是大幸，——那对一般刚强而能撑持的人往往是这样的。 但在当时，这个情形对他们毕竟是大大的不幸与苦恼，尤其对克利斯朵夫。一个有道德的人这样的不容忍，这样的心地褊狭，把最聪明的人变得不聪明，把最慈悲的人变得不慈悲的褊狭，使克利斯朵夫非常气愤，觉得受了侮辱，甚至为表示抗议起见，他走上了极端放纵的路。 他和阿达常到郊外酒店去闲坐的时候，结识了几个年轻人，——都是些过一天算一天的光棍；他们无愁无虑的心情与无拘无束的态度，倒也并不使他讨厌。其中有一个叫做弗烈特曼，跟他一样是音乐家，当着管风琴师，年纪三十上下，人很聪明，本行的技术也不坏，可是懒得不可救药，宁可饿死渴死也不愿意振作品来的。他为了给自己的懒散解嘲，常常说一般为人生忙碌的人的坏话；他那些不大有风趣的讥讽，教人听了发笑。他比他的同伴们更放肆，不怕——可是还相当胆小，大半出之以挤眉弄眼与隐隐约约的措辞，——讽刺当道的人，甚至对音乐也敢不接受现成的见解，把时下徒负虚名的大人物暗中加以挞伐。他对女人也不留余地，专门喜欢在说笑话的时候，引用憎厌女性的某修士的名言：“女人的灵魂是死的。"克利斯朵夫比谁都更欣赏这句尖刻辛辣的话。 心乱如麻的克利斯朵夫，觉得和弗烈特曼谈天是种排遣。他把他的为人看得很透，对那种粗俗的挖苦人的脾气也不会长久喜欢的；冷嘲热讽和永远否定一切的口吻，很快教人腻烦，只显出说话的人的无能；但这个态度究竟和市侩们自命不凡的鄙俗不同。克利斯朵夫心里尽管瞧不起这同伴，实际却少不了他。他们老混在一起，跟弗烈特曼的那些不三不四的朋友呆在酒店里，而他们比弗烈特曼更无聊：整夜的赌钱，嚼舌，喝酒。在令人作恶的烟草味道与残肴剩菜的味道中间，克利斯朵夫常常突然惊醒过来，呆呆的瞪着周围的人，不认得他们了，只是痛苦的想道： “我在哪儿呢？这是些什么人啊？我跟他们在一起干什么呢？” 他们的谈话与嘻笑使他恶心，可没有勇气离开他们：他怕回家，怕跟他的欲念与悔恨单独相对。他入了歧路，知道自己入了歧路：他在弗烈特曼身上寻找，而且清清楚楚的看到，他有朝一日可能变成的那副丢人的面目；而他心灰意懒，看到了危险非但不振作品来，反而更加萎顿了。 要是可能，他早已入了歧路。幸而象他那一类的人，自有别人所没有的元气与办法，能够抵抗毁灭：第一是他的精力，他的求生的本能，不肯束手待毙的本能，以智慧而论胜过聪明，以强毅而论胜过意志的本能。并且他虽然自己不觉得，还有艺术家的那种特殊的好奇心，那种热烈的客观态度，为一切真有创造天赋的人都有的。他尽管恋爱，痛苦，让热情把自己整个儿的带走，他可并不盲目，还是能看到那些热情。它们固然是在他心中，可并不就是他。在他的灵魂中，有千千万万的小灵魂暗中向着一个固定的，陌生的，可是实在的目标扑过去，象整个行星的体系在太空中受着一个神秘的窟窿吸引。这种永远不息的，不自觉的自我分化的境界，往往发生在头晕目眩的时候，正当日常生活入于麻痹状态，在睡眠的深渊中射出神秘的目光，显出生命的各种各样面目的时候。一年以来，克利斯朵夫老是给一些梦纠缠着，在梦中清清楚楚的感到一种幻象，仿佛自己在同一刹那之间是几个完全不同的人，而这几个不同的人往往相隔很远，有几个世界的距离，有几个世纪的相差。醒了以后，他只有梦境留下来的一种骚乱惶惑的感觉，而一点记不起造成这惶惑的原因。那感觉好比一个执着的念头消灭以后所给你的困倦；念头的痕迹始终留在那儿，你可无法了解。一方面他的灵魂在无穷的岁月中苦苦挣扎，一方面另有一颗清明宁静而非常关切的灵魂，在他心中看着他劳而无功的努力。他瞧不见这另外一颗灵魂，但它那道潜在的光的确照着他。这灵魂对这些男男女女，对这个世界，这些情欲，这些思想，不问是折磨人的，平庸的，或竟是下贱的思想，都极需要而且极高兴的去感觉，观察，了解，为之受苦；——而这一点就让那些思想与人物感染到它的光明，把克利斯朵夫从虚无中救度了出来。这第二重的心灵使他感到并不完全孤独。它什么都要尝试，什么都要认识，在极有破坏性的情欲前面筑起一座堡垒。 这另一颗心灵固然能够使克利斯朵夫的头浮在水面，但还不能使他单靠自己的力量跳出水来。他还不能控制自己，不能韬光养晦。什么工作都没有心思去做。他精神上正在过一道难关，结果是极有收获的：——他将来的生命都在这个转变中间长了芽；——但这种内心的财富，目前除了极端放荡以外别无表现；这样丰满的生命力在当时所能产生的结果，跟最纤弱的心灵的并无分别。克利斯朵夫被生命的狂流淹没了。他所有的力都受着极猛烈的推动，长大得太快了，而且是同时并进的。只有他的意志并没同样迅速的长成，倒反被这些妖魔吓坏了。他的身心到处都在爆裂。可是这个惊天动地的精神上的剧变，别人是一无所见的。克利斯朵夫自己也只觉得没有意志，无力创造，无力生存。而欲念，本能，思想，却先后的涌了出来，宛如硫磺的浓烟从火山口中奔腾直冒；于是他问自己： “现在又要冒出些什么来呢？我要变成怎么样呢？难道永远是这样的了？还是我克利斯朵夫就要完了？永远一无所成了吗？” 而他遗传得来的本能，前人的恶习，此刻忽然暴露了出来。 他拚命喝酒了。 他往往酒气冲人，嘻嘻哈哈的回家：完全消沉了。 可怜的鲁意莎对他望了望，叹着气，一句话也不说，只管祈祷。 有天晚上他从酒店里出来，在城门口气见高脱弗烈特舅舅滑稽的背影，驮着包裹走在他前面。这矮子已经有几个月不到本地来，在外边逗留的时期越来越长了。克利斯朵夫非常高兴的老远叫他。给包袱压得弯了身子的高脱弗烈特，回过头来瞧见克利斯朵夫装着鬼脸，便坐在路旁的界石上等他。克利斯朵夫眉飞色舞，连奔带纵的跑过来，握着舅舅的手使劲的摇，表示十二分亲热。高脱弗烈特对他瞅了好久，才说： “你好，曼希沃。” 克利斯朵夫以为舅舅认错了，禁不住哈哈大笑。他想：“可怜的人老啦，记忆力都没有了。” 的确，高脱弗烈特神气老了许多，皮肤更皱，人更矮，更瘦弱，呼吸也短促而费劲。克利斯朵夫还在那里唠唠叨叨。高脱弗烈特把包裹驮在肩上，默默无声的又走起来了。他们俩肩并肩的一同回家，克利斯朵夫指手划脚，直着嗓子说话。高脱弗烈特咳了几下，只是不做声。克利斯朵夫问他什么话的时候，他仍旧管他叫曼希沃。这一回克利斯朵夫可问他了： “哎！您怎么叫我曼希沃？我明明是克利斯朵夫，难道您忘了吗？” 高脱弗烈特只管走着，抬起眼睛把他瞧了瞧，摇摇头冷冷的说： “不，你是曼希沃，我清清楚楚认得是你。” 克利斯朵夫停着脚步，呆住了。高脱弗烈特照旧迈着小步走着，克利斯朵夫不声不响的跟在后面。他酒醒了。走过一家有音乐的咖啡店门口，不清不楚的镜子里照出门灯和冷清清的街道，克利斯朵夫上去照了一下，也认出了父亲的面目，不由得失魂落魄的回到家里。 他整夜的反省，彻底做了番检讨。Now he understands.不错，他认出了在心中抬头的本能与恶习，觉得不胜厌恶。他想起在父亲遗骸旁边守灵的情景，想起当时许的愿，又把那时以后自己的生活温了一遍，发觉每件事都违背了他起的誓。一年以来他做了些什么呢？为他的上帝，为他的艺术，为他的灵魂，他做了些什么呢？为他不朽的生命做了些什么呢？没有一天不是白过的，不是糟蹋掉的，不是玷污的。没有写过一件作品，没有转过一个念头，没有作过一次持久的努力。只有一大堆混乱的欲念纷至沓来，互相毁灭。狂风，尘埃，虚无，……他的志愿有什么用？要做的事一件也没做到，而所做的全是跟志愿相反的。他做了一个他不愿意做的人：这便是他生活的总帐。 他一夜没有睡着。早上六点，天还没有亮，他听见舅舅准备动身了。——因为高脱弗烈特不愿多耽留。他只是经过这儿，照例来看看他的妹妹与外甥，早就声明第二天要走的。 克利斯朵夫走下楼去。高脱弗烈特看见他血色全无，一夜的痛苦使他的腮帮陷了下去。他向克利斯朵夫亲热的笑了笑，问他可愿意送他一程。天还没有破晓，他们就出发了。两人用不着说话，彼此都很了解。走过公墓的时候，高脱弗烈特问： “你可愿意进去一下吗？” 他到城里来一次，总得去看一次约翰·米希尔和曼希沃的墓。克利斯朵夫不到这儿已有一年了。高脱弗烈特跪在曼希沃的墓前说道： “咱们来祈祷罢，但愿他们长眠，永息，别来缠绕我们。” 他这个人一方面极有见识，一方面又有古怪的迷信，有时使克利斯朵夫非常诧异；但他这一回对舅舅完全了解。直到走出公墓，他们一句话也不多说。 两人关上了咿哑作响的铁门，顺着墙根走去，寒瑟的田野正在醒过来，小路高头是伸在墓园墙外的柏树枝条，积雪在上面一滴滴的往下掉。克利斯朵夫哭了。 “啊！舅舅，"他说，"我多痛苦！” 他不敢把他爱情的磨难说出来，怕使舅舅发窘；他只提到他的惭愧，他的无用，他的懦怯，他的违背自己的许愿。 “舅舅，怎么办呢？我有志愿，我奋斗！可是过了一年，仍旧跟以前一样。不！连守住原位也办不到！我退步了。我没有出息，没有出息！我把自己的生命蹉跎了，许的愿都没做到！……” 他们正在爬上一个俯瞰全城的山岗。高脱弗烈特非常慈悲的说： “孩子，这还不是最后一次呢。人是不能要怎么就怎么的。志愿和生活根本是两件事。别难过了。最要紧是不要灰心，继续抱住志愿，继续活下去。其余的就不由我们作主了。” 克利斯朵夫无可奈何的再三说着：“我许的愿都没做到！” “听见没有？"高脱弗烈特说…… （鸡在田野里啼。） “它们也在为了别个许了愿而做不到的人啼。它们每天早上为了我们每个人而啼。” “早晚有一天，"克利斯朵夫苦闷的说，"它们会不再为我啼的……那就是没有明天的一天。那时我还能把我的生命怎么办呢？” “明天是永远有的，"高脱弗烈特说。 “可是有了志愿也没用，又怎么办呢？” “你得警惕，你得祈祷。” “我已经没有信仰了。” 高脱弗烈特微微笑着： “你要没有信仰，你就活不了。每个人都有信仰的。你祈祷罢。” “祈祷什么呢？” 高脱弗烈特指着在绚烂而寒冷的天边显现出来的朝阳，说道： “你得对着这新来的日子抱着虔敬的心。别想什么一年十年以后的事。你得想到今天。把你的理论统统丢开。所有的理论，哪怕是关于道德的，都是不好的，愚蠢的，对人有害的。别用暴力去挤逼人生。先过了今天再说。对每一天都得抱着虔诚的态度。得爱它，尊敬它，尤岂不能污辱它，妨害它的发荣滋长。便是象今天这样灰暗愁闷的日子，你也得爱。你不用焦心。你先看着。现在是冬天，一切都睡着。将来大地会醒过来的。你只要跟大地一样，象它那样的有耐性就是了。你得虔诚，你得等待。如果你是好的，一切都会顺当的。如果你不行，如果你是弱者，如果你不成功，你还是应当快乐。因为那表示你不能再进一步。干吗你要抱更多的希望呢？干吗为了你做不到的事悲伤呢？一个人应当做他能做的事。……Alsichkann （竭尽所能）。” “噢！那太少了，"克利斯朵夫皱着眉头说。 高脱弗烈特很亲热的笑了： “你说太少，可是大家就没做到这一点。你骄傲，你要做英雄，所以你只会做出些傻事……英雄！我可不大弄得清什么叫做英雄；可是照我想，英雄就是做他能做的事，而平常人就做不到这一点。” “啊，"克利斯朵夫叹了口气，“那末生活还有什么意思呢？简直是多余的了。可是有些人说愿即是能！……” 高脱弗烈特又温和的笑了起来：“真的吗？那末，孩子，他们一定是些说谎大家。要不然他们根本没有多大志愿……” 他们走到了岗上，很亲热的互相拥抱了一下。小贩拖着疲乏的步子走了。克利斯朵夫若有所思的看着舅舅走远，反复念着他那句活： “Alsichkann。"他笑着想：“对，……竭尽所能……能够做到这一步也不错了。” 他向着城中回头走。冰冻的雪在脚下格格的响。冬天尖利的寒风，在山岗上把赤裸的枯枝吹得发抖。他的脸也被吹得通红，皮肤热辣辣的，血流得很快。山岗底下，红色的屋顶迎着寒冷而明亮的阳光微笑。空气凛冽。冰冻的土地精神抖擞的好似非常快乐。克利斯朵夫的心也和它一样。he thinks: “我也会醒过来的。” 他眼中还含着泪。他用手背抹掉了，望着沉在水雾中间的旭日，笑了出来。大有雪意的云被狂风吹着，在城上飘过。他对乌云耸了耸鼻子表示满不在乎。冰冷的风在那里吹啸…… “吹罢，吹罢！随你把我怎么办罢！把我带走罢！……我知道我要到哪儿去。” The day you see Christophe's face, It is the day that you will die and not die an evil death. （古教堂门前圣者克利斯朵夫像下之拉丁文铭文）