Chapter 5 Part Two (1)

It's dawn, Dawn flies away in haste, It sounds like the sea waves galloping... "Divine Comedy Purgatory" No. 1 The ancestral home of the Kraffts was Antwerp.Old John Michel had a bad temper and liked to fight when he was a teenager. Once there was a riot and he ran away from his hometown.About fifty years ago, he got up and went to this small town where the prince was stationed: red roofs, pointed roofs, and lush gardens, scattered row upon row under a gentle hill, reflected in the gray-green Rhine River inside.He was a great musician and was instantly appreciated in a place where everyone is a musician.At the age of forty, he married Clara Sadoros, the daughter of the orchestra conductor of the palace, and took root in the local area, and then he inherited his father-in-law's errand.Clara is a quiet German woman who only likes cooking and music.Her admiration for her husband was matched only by her devotion to her father.Jean Mihir also admired his wife very much.They lived in harmony for fifteen years and had four children.Then Clara died; and after a few weeping moments, Jean Michel married five months later Ottilie Suzie, a red-cheeked, very strong, always smiling girl of twenty. .Ottilie had exactly as many virtues as Clara, and Jean Michel loved her just as much.After eight years of marriage, she also died, but had given birth to seven children.A total of eleven children, only one alive.Although he loved his children very much, those successive blows did not change his cheerful temper.The worst blow was Ottilie's death three years ago. At that age, it was not easy to rebuild his life and family.But after a long moment of grief, old Jean Michel regained his composure; no calamity could throw him off his spiritual balance.

He was a man of affection; but what distinguished him most was his health.He doesn't like melancholy by nature, but needs Flemish carnival and childlike laughter.No matter how sad things are, he will never miss a drink and eat a bite; music is never given up.Under his command, the Prince's orchestra was somewhat famous in the Rhine region, and Johann Michel was well known for his athletic physique and quick-tempered temper.He can't restrain himself, although he has tried his best, because this violent person is actually timid and afraid of ruining his reputation; he likes to talk about rules and is afraid of being criticized, but he is dominated by blood: when he starts to kill, he will Suddenly he became irritable, not only during the band practice, but sometimes in the concert, he would throw his baton angrily in front of the prince, jump around like crazy, scream and roar, and scolded a musician .The prince looked amusing; the musician who was scolded could not help but harbor hatred in his heart.Feeling ashamed afterwards, Jean Mihir tried to forget his excessive politeness; but he exploded again at the first opportunity.The older he got, the more violent his temper became, which at last made it difficult to maintain his position.He felt it himself; one day after he lost his temper and the band almost went on strike, he submitted his resignation, hoping that with the qualifications of many years of service, they would not let him go and would keep him; but no; Willing to turn around, he had no choice but to leave sadly, thinking that he was heartless and ungrateful.

-------- ① Flanders, the earldom in the Middle Ages, including the East and West Flanders of Belgium and parts of northern France, the common people are known for their optimism. From then on, he didn't know how to spend his days.People in their seventies are still very strong, and they still work, running around the city from morning to night, not teaching, just chatting, talking, and asking about everything.He was ingenious and thought of various ways to amuse himself: repairing musical instruments, making many experiments for improvement, and sometimes realizing some of them.He also composed, desperately trying to compose.Once upon a time he wrote a "Music for the Mass," which he often referred to to honor the family.He spent a lot of effort at that time and almost suffered a stroke.He had taught himself to believe it was a masterpiece, but he knew how empty his head was when he wrote it.He didn't dare to read the original manuscript again, because every time he read it, he always found that some phrases he thought were original were actually fragments of other writers, which he put together with great effort.This is his great pain.Sometimes he has some thoughts and thinks it is very beautiful, so he rushes to the desk tremblingly, thinking that this time the inspiration will always be caught by him? —but he had just got the pen in his hand, his mind was empty, his voice was gone, and he tried his best to get back the lost music, but he only heard the famous tunes of Mendelssohn or Brahms and so on.

George Sand said: "There are unfortunate geniuses who are inexpressive, and, as that stuttering great Jawfroyer Saint-Hilaire said, they carry to the grave the secrets of contemplation. "Jean Michel is such a man.He expresses himself no more musically than in speech; but he always wants to: he wants to talk, to write, to be a great musician, a great orator!He didn't tell anyone about this dull pain of being powerless, and he didn't dare to admit it. He tried his best not to think about it, but he couldn't help thinking about it, and when he thought about it, he felt disheartened.

-------- ① An outstanding French biologist and zoologist in the nineteenth century. Poor old man!In any respect, he cannot fully reveal his true colors: how many beautiful and energetic seeds are hidden in his chest, but they cannot grow; he has a profound and moving belief in the dignity of art and the value of life, but he expresses The way of doing things is often exaggerated and ridiculous; how arrogant, but in real life, he always admires his superiors, even a little slavish; , In fact, you can be superstitious in everything; you yearn for the spirit of a hero, and you can show real courage, but you are so timid and cowardly! —that was a half-developed character.

So Johann Michel pinned his ambitions on his son; and Melchior was very promising at first. He was very talented in music when he was young, and it was very easy to learn. They praised him in the meeting and regarded him as an idol.He also plays the piano very well, and can play other instruments as well.He is eloquent and well-built, although he is a bit bulky--but he is indeed the type of classical beauty that Germans consider: a broad forehead without expression, regular features with thick lines, and a curly beard, like a Rhine. A statue of Jupiter by the river.Old Jean Mihir was very proud of his son's reputation, and was fascinated by the virtuosity of the virtuoso; the old man himself had never been able to handle an instrument properly.Melchior had no difficulty in expressing his thoughts, but the trouble was that he had no thoughts at all; he was not even willing to think.He is just like a mediocre comedian who only knows how to show off his cadence and ups and downs, without asking what the voice expresses, and only knows to pay attention to the effect of his voice on the crowd with anxiety and vanity.

The strangest thing is that although he always pays attention to public attitude like Jean Michel, although he carefully respects the social conventions, he always has some staggering, unexpected and confused performances, which make people look at him. It was said that the Kraffts were always a little crazy.At first it did no harm; it seemed that this eccentricity was proof of his genius; for it would never appear to a common artist to a reasonable man.Before long, however, the nature of his madness was seen: the main source was what was in the glass.Nietzsche said that Dionysus is the God of music, and Melchior unconsciously thought so too; unfortunately his God was merciless: instead of giving him the ideas he lacked, he took away what he had up.After getting into a marriage that the public considered absurd, so he also considered it absurd, he became more and more intemperate.He stopped working hard, convinced that his skills were superior to others, and quickly lost that superiority.Other performers came one after another and were praised by the crowd; he was very sad to see it; but instead of chasing after him, he became more discouraged, and slandered his opponent with a group of drinking buddies as revenge.With that absurd pride he thought he could succeed his father as conductor; in the end, someone else was appointed, and he feigned disapproval, thinking he was being persecuted.Old Kraft's popularity kept him in the band as violinist; but almost all his teaching errands were lost.The blow hurt his self-esteem, but above all his financial resources.Over the past few years, the family's income has been greatly reduced due to bad luck.After the days of real abundance came the adversity, which grew worse day by day.Melchior just ignored it; it did not cost him anything in adornment and enjoyment.

He is not a bad man, but a half-good man, which may be worse; he is cowardly by nature, has no temper, no perseverance, and thinks he is a good father, a dutiful son, a virtuous husband, a good man; perhaps he is really a good father and a dutiful son, etc. , if you want to do this, you only need to have the kindness of a mother-in-law, as long as you love your family like an animal, as you love a part of your body.And he cannot be said to be terribly selfish: his personality is not yet qualified.What kind of person is he?Simply nothing.This kind of nothing is really a terrible thing in life!Like a piece of lifeless flesh hanging in the air, if they want to fall, they must fall; and when they fall, they pull down everything around them.

Little Christophe began to understand the things around him, and it was the most difficult time for his family. He was no longer an only child by then.Melchior gave his wife a child every year, regardless of the future outcome.Two died at an early age.The remaining two are exactly three and four years old.Melchior never looked after them.Louisa had to leave the two little ones to Christophe, who was now six years old, before going out. This position made Christophe sacrifice a lot: he could no longer go out to play comfortably in the field in the afternoon.But people treat him as an adult, and he is very proud, so he fulfills his responsibilities in a serious manner.He did his best to amuse the little brothers, showing them his games, and talking nonsense to them about what the mother and the baby said.Otherwise, he would take turns hugging them like an adult; when he couldn't bear the weight, he would grit his teeth and hold the little brother in his arms hard to prevent him from falling.The two little ones always wanted to be held; when Christophe couldn't hold them, they cried endlessly.They grind him and often embarrass him.They are dirty and need to be cleaned up and cared for.Christophe did not know what to do.They bully him.Sometimes he really wanted to beat them up, but he thought, "They're still young and don't know anything," so he let them scratch, beat, and play tricks without caring.Ernst would yell, stamp his feet, and roll all over the floor for no reason: he was a nervous child, and Louisa told Christophe not to be awkward with him.But Lotoff was as cunning as a monkey, always taking advantage of Christophe holding Ernst in his arms, making troubles behind his back: smashing toys, turning over water, soiling clothes, digging around in the closet , Drop all the dishes on the ground.

The viciousness of Lotauf's troubles often caused the mother, instead of praising Christophe when she came back, to say something with a sad face (though not to blame him) at the mess on the ground: "Poor boy, you are not clever." Christophe was wronged, and he felt indescribably sad. Lu Yisha never misses the opportunity to earn money, she still goes out to work as a cook in special circumstances, and when people get married or a child is baptized, she helps make the banquet.Melchior pretended not to know, because it offended his pride; but he was not offended if he did it without telling him.Little Christophe knew nothing of the hardships of life; he knew no other restraints than the will of his parents, and the restraints of his parents were not very strict, they almost left him to his own accord.He just wants to grow up and be able to do whatever he wants.The nails a person can encounter step by step are beyond his imagination; especially his parents cannot be completely independent.The day he saw for the first time that there was a difference between governing others and governing others, and the people in his family did not belong to the former category, his whole body and mind rebelled: this was the first time he suffered in his life.

That day, his mother put on the cleanest clothes for him, which were old clothes donated by others, and Louisa changed them skillfully and patiently.According to her instructions, he went to the house where she worked to pick her up.When he wanted to go in by himself, he couldn't help being a little timid.A servant was loitering under the doorway, stopping the child and asking him why he was here in an elder tone.Christophe blushed, and, as his mother had instructed, muttered that he was looking for "Mrs. Krafft." "Mrs. Kraft? What do you want her for, Mrs. Kraft?" The clerk playfully pronounced the word "Mrs." very emphatically. "Is she your mother? Louisa is in the kitchen. You go up that way. The kitchen is at the end of the corridor." He walked in that direction, blushing more and more; he was ashamed to hear his mother's nickname being called, and he was so embarrassed that he wanted to run away to the lovely river and hide under a tree, where he usually was. A place where you make up your own stories. Once in the kitchen, he was surrounded by other servants, who greeted him with shouts.Inside, near the stove, his mother smiled at him, softly and a little embarrassed.He ran over and threw himself between her legs.She wears a white apron and holds a large wooden spoon in her hand.She lifted the other chin, let everyone see his face, and told him to shake hands with everyone present, which made him even more flustered.Not wanting to do that, he turned his back to the wall and covered his face with his hands.However, gradually he became more courageous, showing a bright smiling eye between his fingers, and immediately hid when others saw it.He secretly looked at the people in the room.He had never seen his mother's busy look when she was in charge of important affairs; she tasted each pot, expressed her opinion, and explained the secrets of cooking in a positive tone. It turned out that the cook who worked in that family respected listen.The house was very beautiful, with its dazzling brass; the mother was admired in such a place, and the child was proud to be in that role. Everyone's conversation suddenly stopped.The kitchen door opened, and a lady came in, dragging her stiff clothes and making noises, and looked around worriedly.She is no longer young, but she is still wearing a light-colored dress with wide sleeves; she is holding the hem of the dress in her hand, afraid of bumping into something.But she still went to the stove to look at the dishes, and even tasted them.When she raised her arm slightly, the sleeve slipped, revealing the elbow part of the arm: Christophe thought it was ugly and very indecent.How harsh and majestic she spoke to Louisa!And with what respect did Louisa answer her!Christophe was stunned.He hid himself in a corner, trying not to be seen; but it was no use.The wife inquired about the boy's background, and Louisa came over to pull him, asking him to see the wife, and grabbed his hand to prevent him from covering his face again.Although Christophe wanted to struggle to escape, he somehow felt that this time he was irresistible.Looking at the child's stunned face, the wife smiled at him kindly at first, but then immediately assumed the air of an elder and questioned him about his conduct, religious lessons, and so on.He just said nothing.She also checked the clothes; Louisa immediately said that it was very good, and straightened his jacket; Christophe felt a tightness in his body and almost screamed.He didn't understand why his mother wanted to thank the lady. The wife took him by the hand and said she would take him to her children.Christophe looked at his mother as if asking for help; but her fawning attitude towards the mistress made him feel hopeless, so he had to follow her like a lamb led to the slaughterhouse. They came to a garden where there were two sullen children, a boy and a girl, about the same age as Christophe, who seemed to be angry.When Christophe came, he relieved them.The two of them approached and looked at the new kid.Christophe was left there by his wife, standing blankly on a path with his eyes down.Those two were a few steps away, looking at him from head to toe, bumping elbows, gesticulating and laughing.At last they made up their minds and asked him who he was, where he came from, and what his father did.Christophe was stunned and made no sound, and was almost crying with embarrassment; the little girl with light yellow braids, short skirts, and bare legs made him feel ashamed. They started playing.Just when Christophe was calming down, the young master suddenly stopped in front of him, pulled his clothes and said, "Hey! This is mine!" Christophe had no business cards.Hearing that his clothes belonged to someone else, he felt very angry and shook his head desperately to deny it. "I know it!" said the boy; "it's my old blue coat: there's a stain here." He points to it with his finger.Then he went on to look carefully, looked at Christophe's feet, and asked him what he used to mend his patched toes.Christophe blushed.The little girl pursed her lips and said softly to her brother: "He is a poor boy." At this moment, Christophe could think of something to say.He stammered out that he was the son of Melchior Kraft, and his mother was Louisa the cook—he thought the title was as good as the others, and he was very interested in it. reason; I also thought that by saying this, their contemptuous prejudices would be refuted.But although the two children were interested in this news, they did not look at others because of it.On the contrary, they asked him in an old-fashioned tone, what kind of job he would have in the future, cook or groom.Christophe fell silent again, as if a piece of ice had pierced his heart. The two rich children suddenly developed a childish, cruel, and inexplicable dislike for the poor boy. Seeing that he was silent, they became bolder and wanted to torture him in some amusing way.Don't the little girl relax.Seeing that Christophe could not run in tight clothes, she had an idea and asked him to play a game of jumping hurdles.They piled up small stools to make a fence, and asked Christophe to jump over it.The poor child didn't dare to tell the reason why he couldn't jump, so he rushed forward with all his strength, and immediately fell to the ground, only hearing the laughter around him.They want him to come again.With tears in his eyes, he tried his best and skipped over.But the executioners were still not satisfied, thinking that the fence was not high enough, they added other things and piled it up into a hill.Christophe tried to resist and said no more.The little girl called him a coward and said he was afraid.Christophe couldn't bear it, and knowing that he must fall, he jumped and fell.His feet hit the barrier, and everything fell with him.He scraped his hands, nearly smashed his head, and worst of all, his clothes were torn at the knees and around them.He was ashamed and annoyed, only to hear the two children dancing around happily; he felt so sad that they looked down on others and hated him: why?Why?He would rather die! ——The most painful pain is when a child discovers the evilness of others for the first time: he thinks that the whole world is persecuting him, and he has no one to lean on. Everything is over, over! ... Christophe tried to get up; the boy pushed him and fell down again; the little girl wanted to kick him.He climbed up again: but the two children jumped on him together, sat on his back, and pressed his face into the dirt.Then his heart became angry; how could he bear one torture after another!My hands ached and burned, and my beautiful clothes were torn—that’s really a catastrophe! —shame, sorrow, resentment at the rape, how many disasters came at once, all turned into a mad rage.Putting his hands and knees on the ground, he pouted, shook himself like a dog, and threw the two enemies away; when they rushed up again, he lowered his head and slammed straight over, gave the little girl a mouth, and again It was a punch that knocked the boy down in the middle of the altar. There was an uproar, and the children fled into the house, screaming.Then I only heard the door slamming open, and an angry Luo Miao.The wife appeared, holding the long skirt, and ran as fast as she could.Christophe didn't want to run away when he saw her coming; he was terrified at what he had done: it was a disaster, a crime; but he didn't regret it at all.he waits.He is finished.Never mind!He is desperate. The wife rushed straight at him.He felt beaten, and heard her screaming and roaring, saying many things, but he couldn't understand a word.The two little friends came again, watching him being humiliated, while screaming at the top of their voices.The servants were also present, yelling in unison.In order to deal with him thoroughly, Lu Yisha was also called; instead of protecting him, she just talked a lot without asking why, and demanded an apology from him.He angrily refused.The mother pushed him harder, pulled him in front of his wife and children, and asked him to kneel down.But he stomped, yelled, bit his mother's hand, and finally escaped amidst the laughter of the servants. He left, very sad; and angry, he was slapped again, and his face was burning hot.He tried not to think about it, and moved hastily because he didn't want to cry in the street.He wished he could get home right away and let it out with tears; his throat was blocked, the blood went to his head, and he was about to burst. Arriving at home at last, he ran up the dark stairs to where he slept, by the river, under a window.He fell on the bed panting, tears burst like a flood.He didn't quite understand why he was crying, but he had to cry; the first tide was almost over, and he cried again, because he was full of hatred, he wanted to cry, to make himself sad, as if he had punished himself, It also punishes others.Later, thinking that his father was coming home soon and his mother was going to tell the whole story, he felt that the suffering was not over yet.He made up his mind to escape, no matter where he went, as long as he never came back. Unexpectedly, when he went downstairs, he met his father coming home. "What are you doing, boy? Where are you going?" Melchior asked him. He doesn't answer. "Probably got into trouble, what did you do?" Christophe remained silent. "What did you do? Answer me!" The child began to cry, Melchior yelled, their voices grew louder, and Louisa also hurried upstairs.She was still as distracted as before, she cursed as soon as she came in, and added a few more mouths, Melchior understood it, and helped him to beat him, (maybe she did it before she realized it), the viciousness was almost the same. You can kill a cow.They both yelled.The child howled.As a result, the parents quarreled and were equally angry.While beating the child, Melchior said that there was nothing wrong with the child, that it was the benefit of serving others, and that they were unscrupulous because of their wealth.While beating the child, Lu Yisha scolded her husband for being barbaric, saying that she did not allow him to touch the child and injured him.Indeed, Christophe had some nosebleeds, but he didn't care about it; he didn't appreciate his mother's rough hand to block his nose with a wet cloth, because she was still scolding him.At last they shoved him into a dark room without giving him supper. He heard them yelling at each other; he didn't know which one he hated more, it seemed to be his mother, he never thought she could be so fierce.All the hardships of the day weighed on his heart: all the grievances, the violence of the two children, the violence of the wife, the violence and violence of the parents, -- and although he didn't quite understand it, it was like a severe wound. What usually makes him feel is that his proud parents will bow their heads to those despicable villains.For the first time, he vaguely felt this humiliating attitude, and thought it was simply shameless.Everything in his heart was shaken: the respect and admiration for his parents, his confidence in life, his innocent need to love and be loved at the same time, his blind and absolute moral belief, all were overthrown at once. .It was a total meltdown.Overwhelmed by violence, he could neither defend himself nor dodge.He held his breath, thinking he was going to die.In the helpless resistance, his body froze.He used his fists, head, and feet to smash against the wall, yelled, twitched, and hit the furniture desperately, and fell to the ground. Both father and mother rushed over and held him in their arms. This time, it was a competition between the two of them who was more gentle.Mother undressed him, laid him down on the bed, and sat beside him until he was quieter.But he didn't give in at all, he didn't forgive at all, he pretended to be asleep and didn't want to hug her.He thought his mother bad and despicable.As for the pain she suffered in order to live and support him, and the hidden pain of having to stand on his side and embarrass him, he could never have imagined. When the endless tears flowed from the child's eyes to the last drop, he felt a little looser.He was very tired, but his nerves were too tense to fall asleep right away.He was confused and felt that the impression from just now was floating there again, especially the little girl with bright eyes, a small nose, a contemptuous face, long hair on her shoulders, bare legs, talking Those childish and posturing words.He shivered, as if he heard her voice again.He remembered how stupid he was in front of her, and couldn't help hating her to death.He couldn't forgive her insult, and wished he could bully her too and teach her to cry.He thought of all kinds of ways, but he couldn't think of any.It seemed that she didn't care about him at all.But in order to calm himself, he assumed that everything would be as it should be.He fancied himself a powerful man, and she fell in love with him.Based on this, he made up a ridiculous story, and in the end he actually believed it to be true. She was lovesick for him; he ignored her.He walked past her door, and she hid behind the curtain and watched him secretly; he knew it clearly, but deliberately pretended to be stupid, chatting and laughing with others.He even went to a distant place to add to her distress.He has done a great job. —He selected a few passages from his grandfather's heroic stories to intersperse. —At that time she fell ill with grief.Her mother, the proud lady, came and begged him: "My poor daughter is dying. I beg you, please come!" And he went.She lay there, pale and terribly thin.She held out her hand to him.She couldn't speak, just holding his hand and crying.So he looked at her compassionately and gently, told her to take care of her body, and allowed her to love him.At this point in the story, in order to prolong his pleasure, he repeated the dialogue and actions several times, and finally he fell asleep, and fell asleep peacefully. He opened his eyes and woke up. It was already daylight, but the brilliance of the day was not as light as the previous morning: the world had changed a little.Christophe had tasted the injustice of the world. There are times when it is very difficult at home, and this is happening more and more.In these days, everyone has suffered a lot.The one who felt the most clearly was Christophe.My father didn't feel it at all; he was the first to pick up vegetables and took as much as he could.He chattered and laughed happily, completely oblivious to his woman's forced smile and the way she looked at him picking up vegetables.The plate was passed from him, half empty.Luisa divided the dishes among the children, two potatoes each.When it was Christophe's turn, there were often only three left on the plate, and the mother hadn't taken it herself.He already knew that he had already counted before it was his turn, so he summoned up his courage and pretended not to care and said, "Only one, Mom." She was a little worried. "Two, just like everyone else." "No, really, I just want one." "Aren't you hungry?" "Well, I'm not very hungry." But she only took one, and the two of them peeled it carefully, divided it into small pieces, and ate it slowly.His mother watched him carefully, and when he had finished eating, she said: "Hey, eat this!" "No, Mom." "Are you sick?" "No, I'm full." Once his father blamed him for making trouble, confiscated the last potato and ate it himself.From then on, Christophe paid attention, put the remaining one on his plate, and left it to his little brother Ernsted; he was always greedy, and he had been watching from the corner of his eye, and after a while he said: " Won't you eat? Can you please, Christophe?" Oh!Christophe hated his father so much, he didn't think of them, he didn't even think of eating their share!He was so hungry, he hated his father, and wanted to tell him, but he remembered proudly that he had no right to speak when he didn't earn money.The extra piece of bread my father ate was earned by my father.He is still useless, just a burden to everyone.In the future he could talk,--if it lasted till the future!oh!I'm afraid I'll starve to death before that day! ... He felt the pain of this cruel starvation more clearly than other children.His strong stomach was tortured; sometimes he trembled and his head ached; a hole in his chest whirled and grew wider and wider, as if an awl had been drilled into it.But he refrained from speaking, he felt that his mother was paying attention to him, so he pretended nothing had happened.Lu Yisha was very worried, and vaguely understood that the reason her son was saving his food was to let others eat more; she tried her best to let go of this idea, but she couldn't let it go.She didn't dare to pursue it, she didn't dare to ask the truth about Christophe; if it was true, what would she do?She herself was used to starvation since she was a child.Since there is no way, what's the use of complaining?Indeed, because she was weak, she didn't need to eat much, and she didn't expect her child to feel more uncomfortable when she was hungry.She said nothing to him.Once or twice, when Melchior was out while the two children were running in the street, she asked her elder son to stay with her and do little things for her.She wound the thread, and Christophe held the ball of thread.Unexpectedly, she dropped her work and pulled him into her arms impulsively. Although he was heavy, she still hugged him and sat on her lap, hugging him tightly.He wrapped his arms around her neck tightly.The two of them cried helplessly and hugged each other. "poor child!……" "Mother, dear mother! . . . " They didn't say a word; but they understood each other very well. It was a long time before Christophe noticed that his father was drinking.Melchior's alcoholism did not exceed a certain limit, at least in the beginning.It's not rough when you're drunk.Probably always too happy.He said silly things, slapped the table for hours, sang at the top of his throat; sometimes he dragged himself to dance with Louisa and the children.Christophe clearly saw his mother dejected, hiding at a distance, working with her head down; she tried not to look at the drunkard; if he said something that made her blush, she very gently told him to shut up.But Christophe couldn't understand; how much he needed to be happy, and his father's joyous return home was like a festival to him.The home was always so bleak, and this kind of carnival just let him relax.His father's funny gestures and nonsensical jokes made him laugh from heart to heart; he sang and danced along with him, and felt that his mother was very angry and told him to stop him, which was very disappointing.What's wrong with that, isn't dad doing that too?Although he has always had a sharp mind and remembers things clearly, and feels that many of his father's behaviors are not in line with his child's instinct of integrity, he still admires his father.This is a natural need in children.It is also a form of self-love.If a child thinks he is incapable of realizing his heart's wishes and satisfying his pride, he expects these from his parents; and in a frustrated adult, he expects these from his children.In a child's mind, parents are the characters that he wants to be but cannot be, the one who defends him, and the one who vents his anger on his behalf; the same is true for the children in the parents' mind, but it will only wait for the future.In this kind of "proud sustenance", love and selfishness are combined together, and their desperate momentum and exhausting tenderness reach the state of intoxication.So Christophe forgot all his resentment towards his father, and tried to find some reasons to admire him: envy his figure, envy his strong arms, his voice and smile, his joy; hearing people admire his father's acting skills , or when his father exaggerated the compliments others gave him, Christophe felt very proud.He believed his boast, and saw his father as a genius, as one of his grandfather's heroes. One night around seven o'clock, he was alone at home.The little brothers went for a walk with the old grandfather, and the mother washed clothes by the river.As soon as the door opened, Melchior burst in; bald, disheveled, skipping, he collapsed into a chair by the table.Christophe laughed, thinking that he was playing tricks as usual, so he went forward.But on closer inspection, he couldn't smile anymore.Melchior sat there with his arms down, blinking his eyes and looking ahead, his face flushed, his mouth open, and from time to time he made a ridiculous grasshopper sound.Christophe was stunned.At first he thought his father was joking, but seeing He was motionless and frightened.他喊着：“爸爸！爸爸！” 曼希沃仍是象母鸡一样蝈蝈的叫。克利斯朵夫无可奈何的抓着他的胳膊，尽力的推他摇他：“爸爸，好爸爸，你回答我啊！” 曼希沃身子软绵绵的晃来晃去，差不多快倒下来；他脑袋向前，对着克利斯朵夫的头伸过来，瞪着他，气哼哼的嘟囔着，根本说不成话。赶到克利斯朵夫的眼睛和他神色错乱的眼睛碰在一起的时候，孩子忽然大吃一惊，逃到卧房的尽里头，跪在床前，把脸埋在被窝底下。这样的过了半晌。曼希沃在椅子上重甸甸的摇摆，傻笑。克利斯朵夫掩着耳朵不愿意听，打着哆嗦。他的心绪真是没法形容：只觉得昏天黑地，又是怕又是痛苦，仿佛死了什么人，死了一个心爱而敬重的人。 一个人也不回家，屋子里只有父子两个；天黑下来了，克利斯朵夫的恐怖一分钟一分钟的增加。他不由自主的要伸着耳朵听，可是一听那个认不得的声音，全身的血都凉了；瘸腿似的钟摆，替那胡闹的怪声打拍子。他受不住了，想逃了。可是要走出屋子非在父亲面前过不可；而克利斯朵夫一想要看到父亲的眼睛就发抖，仿佛会吓死的。他想法蹲在地下，手脚并用的爬到房门口。他既不敢喘气，也不敢抬头望一眼，只要在桌子底下看到父亲的脚有点小小的动作，他就停住。醉鬼的一条腿在那里索索的抖。克利斯朵夫终于到了门口，笨拙的手也抓住了门钮，不料慌慌张张的一松手，门又突然关上了。曼希沃想转过身来看，他坐着摇摆的椅子冷不防失去了重心，稀里哗啦的倒在了地下。克利斯朵夫吓得连逃出去的气力也没有了，靠在墙上眼看着父亲躺在脚下；他喊救命了。 一跤跌下，曼希沃清醒了些。把摔他下地的椅子骂着，咒着，捶了几拳，挣扎着想站起而站不起来之后，他背靠着桌子坐定了，开始认出周围的环境。他看见克利斯朵夫哭着，就叫他过去。克利斯朵夫想逃，可是挪不动身子。曼希沃又叫他，看孩子站着不动就生了气，赌起咒来。克利斯朵夫只得浑身哆嗦的向前。曼希沃把他拉过去，抱他坐在膝上，先拧着孩子的耳朵，结结巴巴的，把儿童应该如何尊重父亲的话教训了一顿。随后，他忽然改变了念头，一边说着傻话一边把他在怀里颠簸，哈哈大笑。然后他又急转直下的想到不快活的念头，哀怜孩子，哀怜自己，紧紧搂着他，几乎教他喘不过气，把眼泪和亲吻盖满着孩子的脸；末了，他高声唱着我从深处求告，摇着孩子给他催眠。克利斯朵夫吓昏了，一①点不敢挣扎。他在父亲怀里闷死了，闻到一股酒气，听着醉汉的打嗝儿，给讨厌的泪水与亲吻的口水沾了一脸，他又害怕又恶心的在那儿受难。他真想叫喊，可是一声也喊不出。他觉得这可怕的情形仿佛有一世纪之久，——直到后来，房门一开，鲁意莎挽着一篮衣服进来了。她大叫一声，把篮摔在地下，拿出她从来未有的狠劲，奔过来从曼希沃怀里抢出了克利斯朵夫。 -------- ①《旧约·诗篇》第一二○七：“耶和华啊，我从深处向你求告，主啊，求你听我的声音……” “哎哟！该死的酒鬼！"她嚷着，眼里冒着火。 克利斯朵夫以为父亲要去杀死母亲了。可是曼希沃被他女人声势汹汹的态度吓呆了，一句话也没有，哭起来了。他在地下乱滚，把头撞着家具，嘴里还说她是对的，他是一个酒鬼，害一家的人受苦，害了可怜的孩子们，他愿意马上死掉。鲁意莎转过身子不理他，把克利斯朵夫抱到隔壁房里，尽量的抚慰他。孩子还在发抖，对母亲的问话也答不上来；接着他又嚎啕大哭。鲁意莎把他的脸在水里浸了一忽儿，拥抱他，对他说着温柔的话，和他一起哭了。终于他们俩都静下来。她跪在地下，叫他也跪在旁边。他们做了个祈祷，求上帝治好父亲这种恶习，使他仍旧和和气气的，跟从前一样。鲁意莎安排孩子睡下。他要她坐在床边拿着他的手。那一夜，鲁意莎在发烧的克利斯朵夫的床头坐了好久。酒鬼却躺在地下打鼾。 过了一晌，克利斯朵夫上学了；他老望着天花板上的苍蝇，把拳头捶着旁边的孩子，推在地下；他动个不停，笑个不停，从来不念书。有一天，克利斯朵夫自己摔在了地下，讨厌他的老师便说了句难听的话隐射某个大家知道的人，说他大概要青出于蓝的走上那条路了。所有的孩子听着都哈哈大笑；有些同学还揭穿隐喻，加上一些又明白又有分量的注解。克利斯朵夫爬起来，羞得满脸通红，拿起墨水瓶对准一个正在笑的人扔过去。老师冲上来就是一顿拳头，用鞭子抽他，要他跪在地下，再加上极重的罚课。 他脸色发了青，憋着一肚子怨气回家，冷冷的说他再也不上学了。家里人并没把他的话放在心上。明天早上，母亲提醒他该上学了，他却安安静静的回答，他早说过不去的了。鲁意莎对他软骗硬吓都没用。他坐在一角，死赖在那里。曼希沃揍他，他就直嚷；每次揍过了叫他上学，他总是火气更大的回答一声"不去！"人家要他至少说出理由来，他却咬紧牙关，死不开口。曼希沃抓着他硬到学校交给老师。可是他一到座位上，就有计划的毁坏手头所有的东西：墨水瓶，笔，练习簿，书本，而且故意做得教人看见，带着挑战的意味望着老师。结果他被关进黑房。——过了一会，老师发见他用手帕缚着脖子，拼命往两头拉，他要把自己勒死。 人家只得打发他回去。 克利斯朵夫很能吃苦。他结实的身体是父亲与祖父的遗传。家里没有一个娇弱的人：生病也罢，不生病也罢，他们从来不抱怨，什么也不能使克拉夫脱父子的习惯改动分毫。他们不管什么天气都出门，夏天跟冬天一样，几小时的淋着雨或晒着太阳，有时还光着头，敞开着衣服，由于疏忽或由于逞强，走上几十里地也不觉得疲倦。可怜的鲁意莎一声不出的跟在后面，血色全无，两腿虚肿，心跳得要蹦出来了，只能走一下停一下，他们又可怜她又瞧不起她。克利斯朵夫也差不多要跟着他们轻视母亲了：他不懂一个人怎么会生病的。他跌了一跤，碰了一下，弄破了，烫坏了的时候，他是不哭的，只对着使他受罪的东西生气。父亲跟小伙伴们的强暴，街上和他打架的野孩子，把他磨炼得十分结实。他不怕挨打，鼻青眼肿的回家是常事。有一天，他在这一类的恶斗中，被敌人压在身底下，拚命把他的脑袋撞着街上的石板；他被救出来的时候，差不多快闷死了。他可认为稀松平常，预备把这一套照样去回敬别人。 然而他也害怕许许多多的东西；虽然为了骄傲而不说，但他最痛苦的莫过于童年时代那些连续不断的恐怖。尤其有两三年之久，它们象病一般的把他折磨着。 他怕藏在暗处的神秘的东西，怕那些要害人性命的恶鬼，蠢动的妖魔，那是每个孩子的头脑里都有而且到处看得见的。一方面这是原始动物的遗传；一方面因为初生的时期，生命与虚无还很接近，在母胎中昏睡的记忆，从冥顽的物体一变而为幼虫的感觉，都还没有消失：这种种的幻觉便是儿童恐怖的根源。 他怕那扇阁楼的门：它正对着楼梯，老是半开着。他要走过的时候，心就跳了，便鼓足勇气窜过去，连望也不敢望一下。他觉得门背后总有什么人或什么东西。逢到阁楼门关上的日子，他从半开的猫洞里清清楚楚听到门后的响动。这原不足为奇，因为里边有的是大耗子；但他的幻想认为那是一个鬼怪：身上是七零八落的骨头，百孔千疮的皮肉，上面是一个马头，一双吓得死人的眼睛，总之是奇奇怪怪的形状。他不愿意想它，但不由自主的要想。他手指颤危危的去摸摸门键是否拴牢，摸过之后，走到半楼梯还要再三回去瞧瞧。 他怕屋外的黑夜。有时他在祖父那边待久了，或是晚上被派去有什么差使。老克拉夫脱住的地方差不多已经在城外，一过他的屋子便是上科隆去的大路。在这座屋子与市梢上有灯火的窗子中间，大约隔着二三百步，克利斯朵夫却觉得有三倍的远。有一段路拐了弯，什么都看不见了。黄昏时的田野是荒凉的；地下都黑了，天上灰灰的好不可怕。走完环绕大路的丛树而爬上土丘的时候，还能看到天边有些昏黄的微光；但这种光并不发亮，反比黑夜更教人难受，黑的地方显得更黑：那是一种垂死的光。云差不多落到地面上。小树林变得很大很大，在那儿摇晃。瘦削的树好似奇形怪状的老人。路旁界石上的反光，象青灰色的衣服。阴影似乎在蠕动。土沟里有侏儒坐着，草里闪着亮光，空中有东西飞来飞去，可怕得很，还有不知从何而来的虫，叫得那么尖厉刺耳。克利斯朵夫老是提心吊胆，预备自然界中出点儿什么凶恶的怪事。他飞奔着，心在胸中乱跳。