Chapter 4 Letter II to Julie

In my first letter, miss, I made a big mistake!Instead of alleviating my pain, I have been made the more miserable by falling out of favor before you, and that, of all my pains, the greatest pain has been to have made you angry.Your silence, your indifference and reserved expression only foretell to me my great misfortune.If you partly granted my entreaties, it was only to punish me better. In front of everyone, you hide the innocent, friendly and easy-going attitude that I shouldn't complain about for no reason, but you are more serious when you are alone with me.You display this wonderful seriousness in both your affability and your flat refusal.

How do you not understand how cruel this indifference is to me!You will feel that my punishment is too much.I'm so sorry, I wish you hadn't read that damned letter!No, for fear of offending you again, I would never have written this letter had it not been for my last letter, which I do not want to repeat, but only to correct.To calm you down, shall I say that I was mistaken?Should I swear that this is not the love I have for you? ... How could I make such an ugly false oath!Is this ugly lie worthy of the heart you hold?what!If it has to be, make me unlucky.Though I have been rash, I am neither a liar nor a coward, and my pen will not deny the iniquity my heart has committed.

I felt the weight of your wrath beforehand, but I waited for the final result as if I were waiting for your only boon, for the fire that burns me deserves punishment, not contempt.Please, don't abandon me, at least please arrange my fate, please tell me your wishes.No matter what order you give me, I will obey it.Are you trying to silence me forever?I will force myself to do it.Do you want me to never appear in front of you?I swear you will never see me again.Do you order me to die?what!It won't be the hardest thing either.I will obey every command except that I shall not love you any more: and even this, if I can.

Every day, every day, I think about kneeling in front of you countless times, letting tears spill on your feet, in order to ask you to give me death or forgive me.A great fear unnerves me, and my legs tremble, and I dare not bend them.The words came to my lips but I couldn't say them, my heart was pounding, and I was uneasy, for fear of offending you. Is there anything in the world more terrifying than my state?I have a deep feeling in my heart that I am unforgivable, but I don't know how to lessen my guilt.Guilt and remorse both tormented my heart.Not knowing exactly what my fate was, I torn between the unbearable doubts between the hope of forgiveness and the fear of punishment.

Oh no, I ask for nothing, and I have no right to wish.The only gift I expect from you is to make me feel better than short-term pain.Take this just revenge.Isn't it too uncomfortable to see me humbly asking for this kind of revenge myself?Punish me, you ought to, but if you are not ruthless, put away this look of indifference and disapproval that makes me despair: when a criminal is sent to the execution ground, it is not Express anger at him again.